disappear with me

[justconchh]

It feels weird writing in this now.. it’s been over 10 years I’ve used this to get my feelings out and I wish I could make a book out of every post I’ve made and read it one day when I’m okay with feeling cringe. But to give my future self a little update from the past…

This year mom passed away and it was probably my biggest nightmare come true. But it was also my biggest fear I felt coming too. It was not unexpected, having thought about her death since I was a little boy. In fact, I told someone close to me that I felt it coming a few months prior. No evidence of it at all, just felt it. I miss her so much. Sometimes when I tell someone else about how much I love and loved her I feel silly because it’s like, of course I loved my mom. Of course she was my bestfriend. Of course she was the best person, the strongest person I know. But the thing is, that way of thinking is so silly. It’s a consequence of always thinking about what other people think of you. I won’t let that deter me from expressing my human experience of having a mother. While it’s something we all share, and while some moms are good or bad or great or gone, our individual experience of a human doesn’t have to be lessened by comparing loss and love to others. Not only was she my mom, she was a human. She was a woman. She was alive and she was fighting for happiness and love and health every day of her life. Words cannot express how much I miss her. Sometimes I remember she’s gone and I just think to myself … let’s not think about that right now. Because it’s a storm that does not end. The loss I feel will never end. Period. And that’s okay. I am okay. But that’s just it - we keep going and we keep moving. We remember and we cry and we laugh and we try to keep it going. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I really don’t. But I didn’t know what I was doing before either so I have faith in myself no matter what happens. I miss you Michelle more than I ever thought was possible for missing someone. Broken hearts from boys? Dreams lost? Physical pain? None of that compare to the longing I have for you. I don’t want to call it pain.

I’m not really sure what I believe in. I don’t know if I’ve ever been, I want to believe in life after death but a part of me really doesn’t believe in that. But just because I don’t “believe” in something does not mean I “disbelieve” it either. I guess that’s what hope is. But I hope parts of her are sprinkled around my life until I die. I hope her smile and laugh remains in my brain until I am brain dead. I will never ever be the same after this but I will continue to laugh and live for my mom and the family she’s left behind. One thing that really brings me comfort is knowing that my mother, despite all of the horrible pain she had endured in her life, never experienced the death of anyone in her family. Only her grandparents passed away, everyone else is still here. She never experienced this longing I have for her, and for that I am truly grateful. She’s free, she’s at peace, and she’s where we all go, where ever that is. She passed right next to me, in the middle of my living room, watching her favorite movie with my sisters and my dad. I will never, ever, forget that moment. Despite how much it hurt, it was beautiful.

It’s taken me a long time to start writing about it again, I am very avoidant lately, but I’m trying not to avoid it. I just don’t want to think about life missing her. A planet without the most special person in the whole world. I’ll cry for 100 years. Fast forward a few months to today. I’ve accepted a new job at a new firm making way more money. I’m moving out of my apartment I’ve been in for 5 years. I’ve finally got medical procedures done that I’ve needed for years. If you asked me 6 months ago what my life would be like today, I would have never imagined in a million years I’d be where I am, going where I’m going. But that’s how it goes. My mom wanted me to get a new job, she wanted me to go to the doctor, she wanted me to move, and she wanted me to be happy. And I’m doing all of that. I will love and live the rest of my life so god damn beautifully just so I can be alive to tell all my stories about her. I’ll keep going to I can cry about her. Laugh about her. I’ll be here to take care of everyone she took care of, including myself. I take solace knowing that the two constants of the world are life and death. Change. I miss you mom. I can’t wait to be where ever you are one day.

[justconchh]

Greetings… it’s been a minute…

[nicephysiques]

[vainaja]

[10mb]

[justconchh]

It’s way too easy to fall down the hole of feeling bad about yourself, regretting past actions, cringing at old memories, attributing your past to your present, and your present way of thinking to your future. It’s vicious cycle and idk what the solution is but I know there’s gotta be one!!! We are not the mistakes we made, we are the day after. We are the moments where we can analyze mistakes and turn them into lessons. We are the painting, not just the paint. Trying to remind myself of this this week, tired of thinking I’m the worst person to exist because sometimes I make the wrong decision. I’m pretty ok!

[justconchh]

Life has been HEAVY and it has felt very impossible to exist lately but I’m still rolling and still trying and still pushing somehow it’s gonna work out

[jakedebruyckere]

[leafj-deactivated20200611]

gruessgott

[justconchh]

Very tired of people telling me what they expect from me

[justconchh]

IG: josephmahoney

[yesterdaysprint]

Reading Times, Pennsylvania, October 14, 1926

[justconchh]

You know those times where an album reminds you of past experiences or people and you just must avoid them at all cost. Yet other times you’re belting those same sounds with a feeling of release or even nostalgia if it’s been far enough down the road. Love is fuel but we don’t talk enough about how pain is fuel too.

[deforest]

I don’t care if it’s a lie, as long as it’s entertaining.  RASHOMON (1950) dir. Akira Kurosawa

[justconchh]

Blondie

IG: josephmahoney

[mutheory]

[justconchh]

Feeling a little emotional in the love department today. I just don’t know what I want anymore. Of course just like everyone, there’s a desire to be loved, held, and chosen. But I’ve genuinely begun to fulfill those needs for myself - not as a replacement but as one should for oneself. It’s hard not to attribute lonely feelings to to myself when they emerge tho, seeing as I am providing my own love. It’s hard not to think my self worth is lower because I seem to hold on to love when it leaves, and then scurry away under a rock for a few years until I’m ready to open up again. I think one of the hardest realizations that I’ve learned is that my reaction, my behavior ( and this goes for others ) is always valid and right. But at the same time - there isn’t a right. So I find myself spiraling down the slide wondering if how I responded to pain was healthy or not - because it’s really about perspective and always situational. Sometimes I’ll hold so deeply on to a feeling or person and I’m very adamant that this is the right way to go about it , and other times I’ll need to avoid and back away, regaining my strength and letting go fully in an attempt to heal. But truly there’s not a “correct” way to feel and act. Anyways, I’ve become extremely sure that falling in love again is definitely not something I need / want to be focusing on, and that thought really takes a lot of pressure away from me. Because my life is already so extremely saturated with love, and my focus should be on appreciating those deep colors that exist within it, rather than looking for a new color. But as everyone knows, feelings of sadness and low self worth and loneliness creep up on all of us, even if we have a life full of love. I do want to show myself to someone new again tho eventually, I want to be seen, and see in return. Perhaps one day again.