☽ The Spinning Arrow ☆

Hi, I'm Tatiana. ...Let's explore.

[justexhale]

Happy.

I decided to be happy. I stopped giving a shit even more than I previously did, and I am currently the happiest I have ever been in my life. No, I do not have all my loose ends tied up. No, I am not 100%where I want to be. No, I have no worked out all my shit. But I am happy. I love myself, my boyfriend, my cats, my studies. And I will fight for them and continue to pursue them till I die. I have never felt like this in my life and I never want this to end.

It is not worth it to be angry at the world.

[justexhale]

If you can’t see that I have always supported your relationship/engagement/marriage,

if you can’t see that I cared and fought for your time,

even when I flew halfway across the county to visit you,

if you can’t see why it’s fucked to say, “your tattoos are ugly,”

and, “they are not an extension of you...,”

then you never knew me at all.

So fuck off with your fake smiles and invitations to your parties, 

why would I want to be around someone who doesn’t care what I am up to,

because it’s they year of your fucking wedding, 

and nobody else has a life when it’s your “time.”

Seriously, fuck you. 

I pray for rain on your day.

[justexhale]

This is something that I have been trying to incorporate into my art for awhile now. I am the daughter of two immigrants. I am a first generation American. This holds so much weight and meaning to my family. Coming to America to reach your dreams is an age-old idea. But, in the modern age, it can mean so much more. My parents have risked and sacrificed so much in raising myself, and my siblings in a good environment, creating an environment which let us grow and be safe and not fear for our lives or comfort. They did not have the worst, nor the best lives, but they had their fair shares of struggles. I owe it to them to not fuck around for the remainder of my college career, and buckle down in order to create a life for myself. I feel a strange sense of obligation to pursue a lifestyle of my own making as well as kick some ass and make it. So that’s what I’ll do, 

[justexhale]

what are you supposed to do when you’re trying to connectwith your partner, and they hardly respond, or ignore you and continue to do whatever they’re doing? And when you call them out for rarely doing things other than that one thing, get super defensive and tell you to not say that shit?......

[justexhale]

We all know Jason and I will never have a wedding like my Pinterest board.......but everything is so pretty I think I’ll keep it there for a little longer.

[gypsywzrd]

About a month ago, my roommates and I made an event page for our new years party, which is tonight. I made sure to invite any friend who would possibly be in town. In the week leading up to this, i hungout with and/or touched base with all those who i really wanted to be there. None showed up.

[justexhale]

“Because I wouldn’t be happier without.”

[justexhale]

I just told my boyfriend of two years that I want to be married.

For a couple years now, I have lied to myself and other people that I don’t want to get married because I don’t need the acknowledgement of the government and how I am inherently understanding of weddings but don’t want one.

Well that’s a lie.

I want one. I want a small gathering of close friends and family. And I want to wear a flower crown. And I want my parents to cry. And I want to cry. And I want to have a great dance party. I want that.

I told him I had something to say and that it might be weird, so he sat down and i covered my face with my beanie. And I told him I want it and that I know that we may have different ideas of what we want in this life, but that is something I want. And that is something that I will want to fulfill in my future, but I know he may not.

He said he knew, and that he doesn’t know what he may even want in a few years, but he knew. And he thanked me for sharing with him. While I am normally a like 60% logical thinker, I know this may not change with him and I will have to assess that when it’s time.

I don’t want any of this to be rushed. It could be 3 years from now, it could be 7, I don’t know. I am just ready to admit I know that’s what I want. Also, I started crying after he said he knew, and I haven’t stopped till now.

Okay, bye.

[justexhale]

Promises to myself

1. I promise to do what I want.

2. I promise to speak my mind without fear of how people will respond.

3. I promise to let myself feel my emotions to their fullest extent.

4. I promise to love my body even on days I don’t. 

[justexhale]

“Smile!”

There was this teacher, Brodgen at my high school who tole me “SMILE GIRL!” for four fucking years. I never did. Strangers on the street tell me “Hey why the long face, you should smile more!!” I never do. I glare and scowl at the, even more intensely, And today, one of my customers wrote on her receipt, “you’re really pretty, you should smile more.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have never had another young woman tell me this. I have always received it from particularly disgusting, and culturally unaware men.  SERIOUSLY, HOW IS THAT GOING TO CHANCE YOUR SERVICE? I DID AN OUTSTANDING JOB OKAY BITCH.

WHY DO PEOPLE THINK ITS OKAY TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO BEHAVE? IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT.

FUCK YOU. STOP TELLING PEOPLE TO SMILE. 

[justexhale]

It’s not nice to have it confirmed that your boyfriends roommates talk about you behind you back. Like okayy? I know you dont think I pick up on it, but i TOTALLY do. Rude.

Like good luck dating any of my friends, assholes.

[thebirthofcool--deactivated2014]

[justexhale]

WHAT THE WHAT?!?!??

i was immediately able to recognize this place b/c of the handwriting.

fuuuuuck yeah dudes. power of the image.

[beegoould]

The cat. ❤️

[justexhale]

*getting so drunk at a party that you end up puking and sobbing on your ex about them/your failed relationship* is something i have seen too many times. It is incredibly sad.

[justexhale]

There's a party at my own house and I'm hiding. Of course.

[justexhale]

I kinda made a new friend in print class :] so that is cool for me. 

This means I have two new friends from Uni. 

Maybe I can befriend someone in another class soon.

Although, this is unlikely, I have a bit of hope.

Wish me luck!

[justexhale]

You know, sometimes it’s hard being “so and so’s girlfriend.” At parties. At family gatherings. Hanging out at his house. I have literally been approached by a couple of his distant pals and their opening line was, “hey, you’re Jason’s girlfriend, right?” Well, yes, I am. But I have a name too.

We have been together for a year and 9 months+ and his friends are still his friends. No doubt, I have become friends with most of them, you know in a not-so-deep way. I know a small handful of things about each person. But no matter what, they would totally choose him over me. Which is fine I guess, because I have the parallel with my friends too. But I wonder what it would be like if the two groups actually were able to merge. I have tried this too at parties, to no avail.

I told Jimmy about the “picking him over me any day,” schema. All he could say was that he and his girlfriend haven't had that dynamic in years. That sounds so cool, they’re older and stuff so maybe that has something to do with it. 

I also don’t have very much in common with his friends as far as I know. But again, they don’t know much about me still, other than things I mumble about every now and again.

I love my boyfriend so much, and it’s so cool that he is social and well-liked among his friend group, but I guess I wish I was seen as a close friend with everyone too. It would also be nice if people asked me stuff or tried to include me more, but, okay.

On more than one occasion, my roommates have texted the friends about a party/hangout at my own house and I was one of the last to know. Mainly because I’m not in the group chat, so I miss the jokes sometimes too, but yeah, that’s kinda sad for me. 

This ended up sounding like a big ugly pity party but I don’t give a shit.