Indeed it felt like they’d just started practising together a couple weeks ago, but here they were. Changing images, she thought, could both make or break the group, people either liking all the different styles or being disappointed that they strayed from what one liked. Personally, she liked changes like these, finding them much more interesting.
“I’m sure hoping for the best,” she said, careful not to say anything that could potentially give the other too much hope, as nothing was really certain when it came to the debuts. If at least twelve girls had been chosen first, it would only be a matter of who getting which solo, but like this… who knew. “I hope they can see in you what I see,” she smiled.
“It’s always more than enough criticism though,” she made a face. Of course, criticism was important to improve, but as a rather sensitive person, it wasn’t easy for her to deal with, sometimes having kept her up at night, though this didn’t only count for Sphere, but in general.
“I can’t tell at all either. Do they criticise those most, that already have been chosen or who they are considering? Or are they simply criticising most where most is due?” Looking behind the scenes really would be interesting, though she also felt as though there were many things she didn’t really want to know.
juyeon can’t help but smile at luda’s compliment. i hope they can see in you what i see. potential, or so juyeon hopes. potential that she might just be worth their time. that she might just have it in her to go the whole mile. this was all juyeon’s ever wanted. a debut in some shape or form. so it’s comforting to know that someone, even if it’s just luda, see something in her. juyeon bows her head gratefully, murmuring a thank you to the older female.
she bites her lip. luda was right. maybe juyeon was just looking into it too much, expecting the worst out of a situation. expecting the worst of herself. the coaches knew what they were doing. or maybe the girls too knew what they were doing, keeping the coaches on their toes, actually surprising them. no one had done anything exceptionally inappropriate or bad, perhaps heavy handed criticism was out of place. “i mean, yeah! it’s . . . it’s enough.” juyeon says with a shrug.
“i don’t know. i feel like i’m expecting one of them to totally blow up on one of us one day.” she says with a sigh. at least luda understood where juyeon was coming from without criticizing her curiosity. it wasn’t so much juyeon being disappointed with not being criticized enough, but more so anticipating it and it . . . not coming. at least not to the extent juyeon had thought. criticism was an inherent part of growing and becoming better. “exactly!” juyeon chimes with a nod. “i felt like if i knew that much, i might understand their choices a little better.”
juyeon can’t quite recall the last time she properly spoke to jiyeon in person. in fact, her brain is a little undecided on the last time she saw her in person. these days, juyeon could find jiyeon on the television or the radio. and when she really missed her, she could always tune in to her’s or heartz 1/3′s mini album. mini album. they were at that point already? it felt like jiyeon had only just made her debut and yet they were here already with their first unit and their first mini album. juyeon still vividly recalls breaking down before jiyeon on the day sphere announced the project to them. the feeling was overwhelming. something juyeon can’t shake, even to this day.
she briefly saw her amidst preparing for her feature on yuzu’s debut album. and with a bit of luck, in and around the halls. but heartz were . . . sort of idols now, or at least in a strange inbetween place between rookie and idol. juyeon wants to change that today and reunite with her og fave unnie, even if for just this once. she might not get the chance to for a while so she had to make it count. that and it might even give her another incentive to keep holding on to this damn dream.
luckily for juyeon, she manages to spot jiyeon in the sphere building. she doesn’t seem to be held down by a schedule or at least she doesn’t seem to be super busy at least. so even if her hello had to be a short one, it would be a hello at that. quietly, juyeon manages to shuffle up behind the older female, attempting to not blow her cover. carefully she reaches around and covers the older female’s eyes with her hands. “guess who!” she chimes.
Yoorim sighs softly, the sound breaks the silence between herself and Juyeon. It’s becoming stressful now that they are rapidly approaching the end of Heartz’ debut project and she can hardly deny it, she keeps wondering how she will be able to persuade the coaches into giving her one of the few remaining spots of the final line-up. At least she hopes that there is still room for convincing them, knowing that there is a chance that they have chosen every position already.
When she first contacted Juyeon, she had brought refreshing drinks that matched the summer heat outside, this time she had brought something more warming as they race towards autumn. While she doesn’t necessarily aim to ask the other for advice this time, Yoorim simply wants some company and to make better friends with the elder female. Instead of complaining about the competition, however, she decides to at least attempt and remain positive. “So, unnie…”
“Spooktober is finally here, huh? Do you like Halloween?” She takes a sip out of her cinnamon latte, a drink that has been her favourite since the first time she ever tasted it, attempting to keep herself from thinking about the project as a whole.
— ● a closed starter for @juyeonrk .
juyeon could hardly believe that october was already here. how had the year passed them by so quickly? it felt like the project had only just began, yesterday if anything and yet here they were, coming ‘round the bend, approaching the final stretch. juyeon is relieved to still be standing here, albeit a little restless given promised debut yet no solid date. and she’s beyond grateful for last month; the gift of pursuing this dream with her best friend. what more could a girl ask for?
she stirs as yoorim breaks the silence between the two, coming back to reality from the far away place her head is at. juyeon brings the pumpkin spice latte to her lips and takes a generous sip, the hot liquid burning her mouth. she bites her tongue. the months had passed the two girls by also. juyeon was happy she had the opportunity to get to know the younger female better, even if it was over warm beverages reminiscent of their first proper meeting.
“spooktober?” juyeon asks, raising a brow. she had heard of that before, people calling october the month spooktober. fitting really, since halloween was really all october had going for it. but maybe with a bit of luck, she would earn her place in heartz once and for all. “actually, i do like halloween, quite a lot.” juyeon says with a firm nod. she had fond memories of halloween, it was always a fun, versatile holiday. “i mean, i was never the sort to go out and like . . . party, but my little sister and i used to make it quite the occasion.” juyeon explains before taking another sip of her drink, this time more cautiously. juyeon pauses, grinning for a moment. “lots and lots of sugar and spooky movies, to my parents dismay.” she turns to yoorim, cocking her head to the side. “what about you?”
it was almost funny how mina could already feel herself getting comfortable with the other girl. her personality made it easy for her to talk to as well as calm her nerves. sure, there was still that intimidation factor that came with her being her senior. but even if so, she didn’t feel too scared talking to the other right now. the fact that juyeon didn’t really mind dropping the honorifics for this interaction was only bonus to that feeling. (but even still, mina decides to be respectful to her anyways. she didn’t want to set too bad of an impression on any of the coaches who could be around.)
mina listens to her as juyeon explains about her thoughts on evaluations and she nods in agreement to all she says. of course, since mina was new to everything, evals were definitely more difficult than she thought they’d be. but, she was still confident about how this month’s evaluation would go. not only was it her first, but her brother was helping her out with it, too. the perks of already having someone close to you in this company. “that definitely sounds more exciting, now that you mention you guys do something different every month!” she says with a smile. on the topic of evaluations and other trainees, she couldn’t help but come up with a question. surely juyeon would be able to understand what she would want to ask about, considering the fact that she’s been here for three years, much longer than mina’s… three weeks(?).
but before she can ask, juyeon speaks up and she finds herself responding to the other’s comments first. “oh! thank you so much,” she answers with a laugh. “i hope i do! hopefully well enough so that i can stay in the same company for a while.” it would definitely be something if she managed to debut with juyeon, let alone with all her other friends that she had run into here… which reminds her to ask the question. “actually, on the topic of evaluations and stuff… are you perhaps in the heartz project?” she asks curiously. “i just wanted to ask because i know like… two girls who are apart of it and they briefly talked about it to me?” she shrugs. “i don’t know. they didn’t really go much into it, so i can assume it’s kind of complicated compared to being a regular trainee.” she laughs lightly… hopefully not making this situation any awkward than it was before.
juyeon hums. “sometimes they give us guidelines to meet, like themes or certain things we can or can’t do, but other times it’s just free reign,” juyeon explains. she had gone through her fair share of evaluations, all varying in difficulty and contents. some she enjoyed, others she hated but all ultimately lead her to where she was today. “we get to do whatever we want. sometimes we even do competitions with the other companies. it keeps you on your toes, at least." juyeon adds finally with a shrug. juyeon wanted to provide mina with as much information as she could. at least that way, the younger female would be better equipped to deal with whatever came her way. it was better to be in the know then to not be, and maybe if things went well, mina in three or so years time might be helping a trainee settle in to their place at sphere.
she prepares herself for any questions relating to training. she feels like she’s pretty well versed on most trainee stuff, sphere or not. mina’s first question though manages to catch juyeon a little off guard. “heartz project?” juyeon asks, eyes wide. should she know about this? should juyeon admit to her that . . . well, yeah . . . she’s in that project? juyeon purses her lips for a moment, a thousand thoughts running through her head. she was apart of the company, so she could know the basics. at least she would know why juyeon wasn’t in her daily classes.
“yeah, i am!” she says with a confident smile. “it’s . . . sort of complicated. i obviously can’t go into much detail because well . . . i’m sort of sworn to secrecy, but we follow our own training schedule and we do our own evaluations. we’re still trainees and we still do trainee stuff, just our . . . own schedule, if that makes sense. but this sort of thing doesn’t happen often, trust me!”
with her own bag over her shoulder and them walking side by side, yuzu allowed herself to fall into a comfortable walking pace. the eagerness to get out was strong but the urge to just chill and take it easy for a few minutes was stronger. fortunately she had slowed down because otherwise she would have tripped over her own feet at how hard juyeon’s comment made her snort out a laugh. “yeah… yeah. never forget the jumper. that’s gon’ protect ya from the zombies fo'sure. they gon’ see the colour and the pattern and just take a turn n’ run,” she cackles teasingly, shoulders shaking with laughter.
once they’re outside however she exhales a long breath. the fresh air made her feel both her tiredness but also how urgently she had needed fresh air to restore her energies and feel refreshed again. “hmm kimbap…,” yuzu echoes, nodding her head in approval. “hmm ramyeon…,” she continues on, agreeing yet again. truly a difficult decision. “I think I’d just wanna grab some chicken. or kimbap too.”
imagining how nice it’d be to eat something after so much work, the question almost catches her off-guard. gaze up to the sky she turns her head towards juyeon with a raised brow, eyes wide in surprise. “well…,” she takes a moment to think, turning back to gaze at the sky. “I dun really care ‘bout the company. royal lets go of tons'a trainees on a daily. I ain’t feel bad for leavin’ if it takes me a step further to the goal of all. my friends there doe- of course I miss 'em. but just cause I’m in a different buildin’ ain’t mean I gotta stop bein’ friends with 'em, right? one day they will also debut or find whatever life holds in store for 'em t'make 'em happy. n’ I know they ain’t want me t'be held back by 'em.”
juyeon throws the younger female a playful scowl. “hey, watch it!” juyeon says in a hushed tone. she gestures to her bag. “this jumper could be saving our butts at some point, zombies or not!” the thought of herself and yuzu evading zombies with the help of a gaudy jumper was amusing though, juyeon understood where the younger found the humor in it. “it is quite ugly, isn’t it?” she asks with a pout. the two of them make their way out into the streets of seoul. juyeon takes in a deep breath of fresh air ( although somewhat polluted, thank you smokers and car drivers ).
“i’ll probably just get one of everything.” juyeon decides with a shrug. “that way i can’t complain when i get home later.” she adds, poking the tip of her tongue out. their walk together is quiet, asides from the odd passerbyers until juyeon pops the somewhat personal question. if juyeon could swallow herself whole, she probably would of by now. oh well, no take backs. juyeon tightens her grip on the strap of her bag, looking away into the distance as she awaits a reply.
juyeon doesn’t expect an essay from yuzu, a rather well thought out statement that sounded like it had been thought over thoroughly. juyeon is surprised. “wow,” is all she can manage. juyeon scratches her head awkwardly. “i guess . . . our perceptions are different.” she murmurs to yuzu. “we lost a lot of female trainees a while back. convex had made their debut and then we all just started dropping like flies. it was just me and jiyeon unnie for a while. i started to wonder which one of us would be next.” juyeon pauses, taking in a breath of air. “i’m just . . . so loyal to my company. but i also think it’s really amazing that you have the ability to chase your dreams, wherever they may take you.” she looks towards yuzu, still walking side by side to the nearest convenience store. “you’re really cool, yuzu.”
even if chungha wasn’t the first to know, it felt special all the same. telling anyone something like this was such an important moment. chungha didn’t care if she was the first, fifth or the last person to know; it was the fact that juyeon felt the same level of trust to tell her such an important thing. this wasn’t a tiny secret. not in the entertainment industry. it made her feel so good.
“it doesn’t matter if i am or not,” chungha says, smiling so wide her cheeks hurt. she brushed juyeon’s hair back. “thank you for trusting me.” it’s nice to have people to trust and disclose something important to. it makes you feel less alone. it makes the burden lesser to bear. it was nice to know there was someone she had that she could utterly gush about her girlfriend and not feel weird about it or have to hide her girlfriend’s gender the entire time.
it was so satisfying. chungha felt so happy. it felt like a new chapter for her and juyeon’s friendship. she was excited to see it develop and flourish. she had to laugh at juyeon’s surprise. maybe juyeon felt a little more obviously gay than chungha initially thought. “yeah! i mean, i think the heartz project helped keep you under the radar.” everyone in heartz was kind, open with one another and supportive. although they seem to be growing closer, she’s not sure who would be accepting or not with such a topic. chungha would rather not take the chance either.
“thank you. i’m so happy i told you.” chungha says with a sigh, resting her head on juyeon’s shoulder. “if you ever ….you know, find someone, i’ll be willing to hear all the details. no matter how embarrassing.” she presses a kiss to juyeon’s shoulder before resting her head once again. “i’ll always be on your side.”
chungha is the only one to know. both of her parents are blissfully unaware, her unavailability to date hidden under the guise of her training commitments. her older, married and now with child cousin, dami, someone she was immensely close too, also totally unaware. none of her friends knew and juyeon felt the need to keep it this way. after all, something so private and personal could be a weapon in the hands of the wrong person. and in the entertainment industry, it was game over. and maybe she didn’t need to tell anyone. she could of probably lived, existed and been herself without having to reveal this part of herself. juyeon could just be that girl who was so committed to her line of work that she made no space for a relationship.
at the same time, it felt like a punishment. a really cruel, perhaps unintended punishment, one she bestowed upon herself. it was hard to not think about it, especially when juyeon was proudly taken by an absolutely wonderful, beautiful and kind woman. it wasn’t fair to seoyoung for juyeon to hide this part of herself, because by default, she was hiding seoyoung. juyeon mindlessly bites at the inside of her cheek. “and thank you for trusting me.” juyeon says softly, chungha brushing back her hair. juyeon sighs, closing her eyes for a moment. “really. thank you, so much.”
“ah, it’s because we never sat around and spoke about boys or our ideal types.” juyeon says with a chuckle, gently poking the older female in the arm. “the gay would pop out immediately, unnie. boys? no thanks!” juyeon shudders, shaking out her limbs. juyeon doesn’t know what it’s like to be her authentic, genuine real self with someone else. but that someone can now be chungha. juyeon rests her head atop of chungha’s, a smile of contentment seems to be a given in this very moment. “thank you. but, i found someone already, unnie.” juyeon says without hesitation, the words slipping out like an entry into a diary. “a year ago. we’ve been together for a little over a year.” juyeon confesses. “she’s . . . my first everything, actually. but . . . she’s my first love.”
seoyoung nods and smiles, watching juyeon head off into the kitchen. it’s interesting to see her here at home, in her element. it’s very different from the days when they were both trainees, hustling away at seocho. in some ways her heart longs for that time; it was a different time, it felt so much simpler and full of possibilities. there was the stress, the long days of work and the uncertainty of ever debuting, but it was simple to have one goal to run to. and she got to see juyeon more, back then.
“wow,” she says as juyeon comes back with a pile of menus in her hands. “you’re really an expert on takeout, huh?” her stomach is rumbling, just thinking of all the possibilities. pizza, chicken, ramyeon, tteokbeokki… it all looks good. seoyoung doesn’t know where to start, so she just picks up a menu at random and unfolds it. “you might have to tell me what’s good.”
she looks carefully at juyeon’s face as she speaks about her training, and raises her eyebrows in interest. “singing? really? i’d like to hear that.” it’s true, she hasn’t even heard her girlfriend sing before. it was something that all trainees had to at least try, but juyeon downplayed it as a lesser skill. but regardless of what her singing voice sounds like, seoyoung has a feeling it’ll just endear juyeon to her even more. she hums, with a suggestive smile.
when juyeon goes quiet, seoyoung frowns. “something else?” she repeats. juyeon said it so quietly that she’s not sure if she should be worried or excited. “well… is it something with the company? something with s-pop, maybe? or…” she bites her fingertips, trying not to get too excited. “a debut, maybe?”
juyeon really hadn’t much need for the amount of take out pamphlets she had accumulated over the years. after all, her schedule was tight and didn’t really permit for much late night deliveries. and sphere actually kept her well fed. on the odd occasion, juyeon enjoyed attempting to cook for herself. and of course, it was a given that she return home every once in a while to enjoy a home cooked meal at her parent’s place. but juyeon was making exceptions tonight. that, and juyeon really wasn’t game to burn down her apartment complex like the sims in her sims save had attempted. that would be a real downer for date night. “it’s all good.” juyeon says with a grin, flicking through the menus. “we could order pizza though, for memory’s sake.” she says, turning to seoyoung and giving her an exaggerated wink. juyeon vividly recalls the night that seoyoung stumbled in through her door and kissed her on the spot. it was almost a year ago.
it’s a little strange talking about training, about their lives away from well . . . their relationship. but this was an integral part of who they were. and seoyoung wasn’t just juyeon’s girlfriend, she was also her senior. “yeah! turns out i’m triple threat material, not just girlfriend material.” juyeon exclaims with a sigh, leaning back into the couch. “i’d like to sing for you one day. but when i’m better at it.” she says with a nod. juyeon had heartz to thank for her quick progression in a skill that was far from her comfort zones. rapping was second nature these days, thankfully.
her heart stops for a moment. that feeling overcomes her throat, and for a second, she’s lost for words. had she really just bit the bullet and confessed a secret she swore not even to tell pearl and mobi? it wasn’t that she didn’t trust seoyoung, she just didn’t want to disappoint her, or her parents, or anyone else, if she failed. it was if talking about it was speaking it into existence. and juyeon didn’t dare express the hardships this project had given her, her talks with chungha. but maybe then juyeon could syphon some wisdom from her lovely girlfriend.
juyeon purses her lips in an attempt to find her words once again. “yeah, it’s . . . with sphere. uh, surely you heard about their uh . . . debut project, right? heartz?” she asks seoyoung, curiously. she gives the older female a moment. “but that’s me. i’m . . . in that. i got a chance to actually debut. for . . . real!” her tone goes from unsure and nervous to genuine excitement. seoyoung is the only person she’s spoken to about this, outside of the actual heartz project. and sphere too.
how had seven months of the project already come and gone? and so quickly. seven months of grueling evaluations and difficult decisions, dreams coming true; evolving and changing, some even crumbling. juyeon however, was grateful that each and every month, her dream became that little bit clearer. she becomes that little bit more certain of who she is, and what this means to her. her journey was far from linear but it was her journey. it makes standing in front of panel of coaches at the end of each month that bit easier. juyeon had come to learn how to survive the difficult way. perhaps she had the luxury of knowing she had a place in heartz. it was easiest for her to perform songs that felt like they were hers. she felt her best when dancing in the style she had grown up with, throwing herself across the room, landing a variety of flips and round offs, however dangerous they may be. of course, idoldom wasn’t all about being flashy and showy, it was about unity, performing as a group. but just how often did one get to really show off? and just because they could. not because they were told to by a superior or as an obligation.
juyeon pulls out one of her older basketball jerseys for this evaluation, pairing it with a somewhat fitted white t-shirt and torn up light blue skinny jeans. she figures that something sporty but also cool looking, reminiscent of the original video ( albeit much less cringy ) was fitting. her adidas originals make their long-awaited return and she throws a black snapback on ( backwards, of course ) to complete her look. effortless, not entirely juyeon but it was all about the concept. her monthly spring was much more of a swagger as she makes her way to the center of the studio on the day of her evaluation. she remains polite and poised, of course; bowing to her superiors and answering their questions as asked. but her excitement and energy is swapped out for the charisma and well . . . swagger, that the song goes on and on about.
the intro of girls girls girls sounds throughout the room. there are portions of the song that aren’t exactly choreographed, more so staged; the members of the group simply interact with each other and the audience. juyeon has to play with that idea too. with her back to the panel, she turns on her heels, looking around the studio with a surprised look on her face. and just like the original, she nods her head twice and then the beat drops.
i don’t even try, don’t know why they’re like that. just seeing me makes them go crazy. my look, my style, my swagger. oh i don’t do anything, just love myself the way i am, just give a glance with a casual approach; hey girl! how’re you doing?
the choreography of the song isn’t challenging, at least not to juyeon. so it could be perceived as a cop out, a weak choice but if executed correctly, the right emotions conveyed, it could be a win. the singing and rapping portions of the song weren’t difficult either, which made having fun and making the performance appear more authentic and energetic easier. it definitely was easier to do these sorts of routines with people, though. juyeon came to understand that a while ago. the song manages to seamlessly blend sexy, cute and charismatic into a ball. it felt like juyeon was fulfilling every concept and mood she possibly could in approximately three minutes.
girls girls girls, they love me. what’s with my body? girls girls girls, they love me? from birth until forever.
i just show up, give a glance, stay breathing; girls girls girls, they love me. wear a little smile, move slowly, nothing much done; girls girls girls, they love me.
there is room for improvisation. originally, in the original performance by the original group, it felt like every member almost had their own role, their own concept or their own thing going for them in either the music video, dance practice or live performances. juyeon enjoys the opportunity for her to put her own spin on things; it opens up the playing field for out of the blue creative choices and last minute changes. but none thus far. juyeon feels so silly, yet so joyful performing this fun routine in front of what she knew to be professionals. but creative risks were a good thing, right?
don’t know whether it’s love or not, so many temptations everyday. this girl, that girl, all day long. oh, better make up my mind on just one, that’s what i wanna do, but they simply won’t let go.
juyeon doesn’t realise until amidst the song, performing the choreography, that so much of this was purely vibing. people just dancing along to a fun beat, enjoying themselves, getting lost in the music. it felt genuine and real to just move to the music, that’s what one was supposed to do, well, at least juyeon does when she’s not forced to mirror a dance. she does follow the choreo where she can though, merely shimmying to a dance wasn’t dancing; that and she didn’t feel like being criticized on leaving a routine feeling sparse. that wasn’t a creative choice. that was lazy.
girls girls girls, they love me. what’s with my body? girls girls girls, they love me? from birth until forever.
i just show up, give a glance, stay breathing; girls girls girls, they love me. wear a little smile, move slowly, nothing much done; girls girls girls, they love me.
the dance breakdown emerges after the second chorus of the song. juyeon breaks away from what would be her group, stumbling almost before she falls into a perfectly timed cartwheel, only it’s as if it’s in slow motion. she falls onto the palms of her hands, gracefully, trying to not kill the illusion of time, hauling the lower half of her body upwards into the air. time stops for a moment. the cartwheel plays out and before juyeon knows it, she bounces into a forward flip, mid air. she executes it perfectly, somewhat reminiscent of both her gymnastic and dance days. she salutes the coaches before meeting the center of the room once again, going off into the song’s rap.
yo, uh i’m not exaggerating, unfortunately not. this is not a song, just take my word for it. don’t give it a twist, please listen to me. don’t know if you’ll understand, but it’s like i ate a magnet. my body pulls all the girls around me, can’t do a thing. so many times already, this single day? i’m just too popular.
whether young or old, they grab me and say let’s play. whether they know me or not, they say whatcha doin? let’s have a talk. wish i had a twin, maybe even clone myself like matrix. i’m only one but so much in demand, every lady wants a piece of me.
this routine had been a bit more of a challenge than she wanted to admit. parts of the choreo had been somewhat sparse, almost asking juyeon to fill in the blanks to make it appropriate for an evaluation. it felt like her life depended on it at times, but she’s hopeful that her playful and easy going aura makes this performance evaluation worthy. the song moves into the final chorus of the song, an opening for juyeon to show off a little more appears and so she takes it, mirroring the original free styling, juyeon does a couple of flips, also showcasing her flexibility where she sees appropriate. she falls into the last part of the routine, giving those last few seconds all she has left in terms of energy and vibes. even if this wasn’t her most show stopping, unbelievable performance, it was yet another she could look back on and admit to enjoying. juyeon wanted less of the performances that made her tired, or nauseous to look back on and more of the ones that were simply good to be apart of. and this was just that.
i just show up, give a glance, stay breathing; girls girls girls, they love me. wear a little smile, move slowly, nothing much done; girls girls girls, they love me.
she holds the ending pose of the song as it itself fades out rather quickly. her chest rises and falls in a controlled manner, and juyeon finds her cool facade disappear quickly, her bright and wide smile coming to the surface. another one down, however many more to go.
it’s not everyday that juyeon gets to fly to hong kong and partake in a song recording and music video shoot for a debut album. that’s exactly how her september starts out. well, sort of. it starts out at the salon, hairdressers touching up her roots and bringing her hair back to life that little bit more, even though she had already been there a few weeks ago for the exact same thing. it’s an unusual experience, one juyeon isn’t sure how to savour. but she knows that she should at least try to. juyeon does her best to keep her travelling a secret, opting for i’m going out of town for a training thing, will be back in a couple of days. but it’s actually exciting to pack a suitcase and to head to the airport with a mission in sight. last time she left south korea was when she had her week off to celebrate her re-signing her contract. she took jueun to disneyland in tokyo.
it feels strange to be between two worlds for once. managing this big, new secret where juyeon is prepping for an incoming debut and the other, which still feels like she's fighting for her dreams at times. it’s a unique opportunity bestowed on solely her. juyeon doesn’t know how many more month’s she will have to commit to the heartz project before they pull her out of there for her own debut. but still, she’s grateful for the opportunity. amidst preparations for yuzu’s debut album, she also finds herself between practices for the group evaluation and her personal evaluation, as she had for the past seven months. she feels good about this month’s evaluation. perhaps being a little distracted by her getaway amidst the month was to thank. juyeon has a handful of songs to pick from, all varying in sound, concepts and themes; she opts for yet another performance that is uniquely her, unlike any other song she’s performed for her evaluations. it was probably the easiest evaluation song choice she had ever made. perhaps juyeon had more than just hong kong to thank for this one. either way, she’s at her happiest in the studio, grinding for this eval.
september’s evaluation takes juyeon back to her roots, further than any other song she’s had the opportunity to perform; alone or with the other girls. elements of it make her reminisce about her early days on her youtube channel, performing freely because that’s what drove her, because that was what she loved to do most of all. she also genuinely enjoys what sphere had given the girls for their group evaluation; it’s richer sounding, more her than previous evaluation songs. and where some of the girls struggle, the others flourish. juyeon clings to the moments she has in the practice room, knowing that someday, that’ll be nothing more than a treasured memory. juyeon wonders how long she has to go. would it be a while? would it be next month? her head is filled with what ifs and maybes, even despite the joy that comes with practicing her routine. either way, every month that goes by, juyeon knows that her dream comes true that little more.
truth be told, yoorim was confident about landing a contract with sphere entertainment after her audition finished. optimistic, perhaps, but she had a good feeling when she left the premises back then. now, on the other hand, she isn’t too sure. partly it’s because it hasn’t dawned upon her that she is participating in a debut project, additionally to the fact that she is new as can be to the whole life of training to becoming an idol. while the last thing that she wants is to discredit herself and mina from deserving a spot in heartz, both have their own strengths and weaknesses that may fit perfectly, she wonders how they can be picked over someone who trained for years already.
of course, she intends to work hard and do whatever she can to secure a spot for herself, it seems farfetched. after all, she has been here merely six weeks now. it does weigh heavy on her shoulders, if she should be completely honest, but what makes it all so very difficult is that she feels a little alone, a little suffocated in all of this. perhaps she has taken the instructions a little too serious because two weeks into training with the girls, yoorim has yet to tell anyone about her participation of the competition. her parents don’t know, her half-brother doesn’t know, her best friend doesn’t know. right now, yoorim feels like she can only talk comfortably with mina, and with mina only.
that’s why she intentionally aims to befriend the other girls, making that her priority. some may argue she is foolish for focusing on creating solid bonds with the others instead of securing a spot for herself, but she reckons that it won’t matter if she debuts with a group of people that she doesn’t know or doesn’t get along with. she smiles, a little timidly so, when juyeon appear grateful for the gesture—she is never as happy as when she makes others happy, truly. “ah, unnie~ you are too cute right now!” she says it with a joking whine, lips curling into a more confident beam. admittedly, she would rather like the passion tango lemonade, and that’s why she gives it off to juyeon.
“you take this one then! it’s really good, i promise.”
despite forgetting the name, yoorim has tasted it many times before and it has become a favourite. once left with only one iced tea, she seats herself on the floor by the wall, leaning back with a soft sigh. “mh, can i be honest? it’s a lot to take in…” and i don’t feel like i deserve to train with you guys. she doesn’t dare say that out loud, though, and instead takes a sip of her drink. “but i like it, i really do! i’ve wanted this for many years now. ”
juyeon carefully takes the iced tea from yoorim. cold to the touch, true to it’s name. she smiles at the younger female warmly. she’s grateful, very appreciative. it says a lot that someone, and this someone being an acquaintance, was willing to go out of their way to brighten someone else’s day. it felt like something juyeon would do. the gesture is enough to make her smile to herself. juyeon glances at the plastic tumbler, stirring it with the straw that pokes out at the top. “thanks, yoorim!” she exclaims, shaking the tea gently in her hand. “i’ll drink it well~”
she follows yoorim, taking a seat beside her against the wall, leaving a space between them. she stretches a leg out in front of her, the other tucked beneath her thigh. juyeon sighs, taking a the first, long awaited sip of her iced tea. wow, it really was good. juyeon’s eyebrows immediately go up in surprise. she looks at the younger female with wide eyes. “woah! this really is good!” she exclaims, looking back to the drink. “what do they put in this . . .” she mutters to herself before taking another, albeit much longer, sip.
juyeon hums, murmuring something along the lines of of course. juyeon felt like it was important to be honest about your thoughts and feelings from the get go. it kept you grounded, kept your mind clear. well, it helped juyeon when she first started out at sphere and it’s helped her now as she confronts the fact that she is actually going to end up debuting. juyeon manages a small nod and smile. “it really is.” she mutters, in solidarity of course. it would be enough to just become a trainee. but to get thrown head first into a project that might result in a debut? that was a whole other story. juyeon couldn’t even fathom how she would be if granted this opportunity back then.
relief washes over juyeon a little, knowing that yoorim is in fact happy with where she’s at, given the situation. juyeon smiles. she reaches out, patting the younger female’s arm. “that’s good to hear! i mean, really!” she chimes. if someone was positive and excited about something, then the likelihood of them doing well was much better than being negative and dreading something. “oh, you’ve always wanted to be an idol?” juyeon asks curiously, diverting the conversation.
the air should feel lighter on their lungs but yuzu could tell she wasn’t the only one with a troubled mind. the fact both of them were so overwhelmed with several emotions that it rendered them mostly speechless was a strong indication for that. still looking at the stars and constellations as if they could give her answers on how to deal with the mess in her mind, she faintly heard the dread in juyeon’s voice.
she definitely wasn’t the only one with a troubled mind.
“how y'feelin’?” the question is meant to be out of concern as well as curiosity. yuzu hoped listening to juyeon’s troubles could somehow help her solve her own while at the same time allowing the confirmed girl to have someone to listen, someone who she could share her thoughts with.
yuzu herself knew she wouldn’t be able to talk to any of the non-confirmed girls in the projects as openly. they all dreamed to be in their shoes and yet- somehow the saying ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ took a whole knew meaning in this situation.
juyeon rests her head atop of her bare knees, wrapping her arms around her legs, pulling them as close to her chest as she can manage. she feels like she might fall apart at any given minute. juyeon closes her eyes for a moment, beginning to sift through thought after thought, ridding her brain of unnecessary negativity, keeping the positive affirmations close to her. she moves them towards her heart for safe keeping. yuzu breaks the silence between them, causing the older girl to jump, somewhat startled. she looks across to yuzu, processing her question.
she presses her lips together, cogs turning in her brain. “y’know, i don’t really know.” juyeon says with a soft sigh, she turns her head, resting her cheek against her knees, still facing yuzu. “my . . . reaction in the practice room, when . . . when we found all this out . . . was my honest feelings.” she says slowly. “i can’t form a sentence that explains what i’m feeling.” juyeon shakes her head, sitting upright. she leans back, her palms resting on the concrete, tiny pieces of unrest gravel press into her skin. “fifteen years i’ve had this dream, and now finally . . . it might just come true. what am i supposed to do now?”
worrying about these things, juyeon feels so unbelievably silly. she rubs at her face, ignorant at the fact that her hands were on the pavement seconds ago. “i’m being so dramatic. ugh! sorry, yuzu.” she says with a pout, peering at the younger female through a gap in her fingers. she sighs, folding her arms in her lap loosely. “so . . . how’re you feeling? this is some big big news for you. have you uh . . . worked out what’s gonna be happening with your streams?”
she says it randomly one day as they walk the halls. it’s always been on chungha’s mind but when the heartz project finally concludes, she’ll miss a lot fo them. but she would miss her time with juyeon most of all.
juyeon hadn’t been revealed yet but it had already been implied that she has a guaranteed role in the group. it was only a matter of time until they told juyeon she was the girl of the month and soon she too will be busy with preparations. it seems like everyone around her was getting picked and soon chungha won’t have any of her close friends remaining with her. which isn’t an entirely bad thing. that would mean all of her friends made it to debut.
“soon you’re going to be too busy for me then we can never hang out,” chungha says dramatically. she smiles at juyeon though. it’s not all bad. she wraps her arm around the younger’s. “but it’s okay. i’m good at waiting. i’ll even be your number one fan.”
@juyeonrk
september had been an absolute blur, breathtaking and exciting, but a lot for a person, namely son juyeon to process. for the first time, juyeon is caught between two worlds. both very distinct and unique, and both so undeniably different; so far from eachother. the one is idoldom; juyeon records an actual verse for an actual song set to be released in october. she then flies out of the country and films an actual scene in a music video for yuzu’s debut. for the first time, juyeon is able to glimpse at the dream which may just become her reality too. and then there’s her reality. the one she shares with the other girls on this mere mortal plane.
juyeon knows that deep down a part of her will always miss this. these days.
she thinks her stomach is wedged in her throat. juyeon, walking alongside her friend, no . . . her best friend, chungha in the halls of sphere. somehow, she manages to give the older female a small smile. though the thought of leaving chungha behind makes juyeon want to break down and cry. juyeon wants to be happy for her own success, for her own achievements and while she is, a part of her feels like it’s weighed down with guilt. guilt for what though.
she struggles to keep a straight, albeit happy face as she listens to chungha. the words she says are harsh but they’re true. it’s a given, this was the way things were. juyeon wants to believe that she would make the absolute most effort to stay connected with her fellow trainees but would her new life permit that? and wouldn’t hanging around them be a reminder that they’re still there? it’s a relentless cycle and one that juyeon doesn’t want to let occupy her thoughts. “but i’m no good at waiting!” juyeon says with a pout, leaning in to the older female.
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