[jvuelgiaes]

I lost a kid. And I feel like I could’ve done more. Reached out to them more. Talked to them more. Interacted with them more.

We’re also scheduled to take a test on Thursday. I don’t know if I could do that to my kids. We still have work to do, but this is devastating news. And it feels like it would be uncomfortable and heartless of me to do this to them this week. I know we’re in school and sometimes it’s best to do work, but processing is a thing. They were in my class. These kids have been friends with them since maybe elementary school but for sure middle school. I’m very lost in this grieving process as a teacher.

Everything outside of being there and being human for everyone just seems so unimportant right now.

[jvuelgiaes]

Okay.

I’m officially calling it.

February and it’s done! If there’s no movement from him, then it’s it okay?!

It’s a new year. It’s my year. I’ve gotta quit this stupid cycle cause it’s getting me nowhere but anxious about you for no good reason.

But man, would I have tried with you. I really would’ve, if you were up for it too.

[jvuelgiaes]

Wtf was that.

I don’t care about you like that nor would I ever. I’d never do that with you ever. I don’t care if you were drunk. I don’t even care if you were dying. I’d never do that to them ever.

I’m so uncomfortable now and I feel like I can’t say anything to anyone cause I don’t want to lose what I have with them. I don’t want this to be anything to break anything up for them.

And the way I can’t tell anyone this because they’ll tell me things or what to do. So now I only feel safe saying anything to you. Like how twisted and what a turn of events that has become.

Just what the fuck was that.

[jvuelgiaes]

The way our conversations still make me smile stupidly where I need to force my lips together is such bad.

How can I get you out of my system for real though?!

To be fair to myself, I’d absolutely try with you. I’d do all that I could and can to make this a thing. I know it’s not as realistic or idealistic as it should be, but what if it could be? I’m a “world traveler.” You still have some weird knowledge of me and my tendencies. These inside jokes haven’t died. Things remind me of you and things remind you of me.

That weird warning or temperature check of a message definitely caught me off guard. It made me curious about it, but I’m gonna follow your lead.

The anxiousness is still present, but that’s because I’m on break with no work currently, so my mind isn’t crazy occupied.

I’ve stopped this before unannounced for 4 months and can do it again, if I need to. I only wanted to know if I could finally get this to you and even possibly been done with that and you after the exchange. But now with (my over analyzing mind about) your reply, I’m not sure.

My hope is that I’m going to be good with this in all the ways. And not in a settling good, but a content good where all parties are actually okay — myself especially.

[jvuelgiaes]

I had two motives going into tonight.

To see you again after almost 6 months and to possibly meet anyone that could tickle my fancy.

Only one of those was fulfilled.

My sister still told me it was so crazy that he’s the first one (outside of the brother who opened the door and greeted us and even before the future SIL) to come up to me and hug me a say hi. I laughed cause I noticed it too.

Outside of that, we noticed he got a little chubs and that’s pretty much it.

When I went out to smoke and caught the ping pong ball he’d tell me “good job julie” and “thanks, Julie,” but that’s about it. No real conversation outside of it.

I guess you’ll be bowling at the no tap in Vegas? Which one? Idk. But the brother and future SIL and my sister and I will be and going to a Knights/Ducks game so see you there maybe?

Even if not, it was still nice to see you for a bit. I’ll never actually stay looking at you and your gf, but happy that you’re happy.

You’ll always be something that never was and never will be. Still love the other half of your family, despite the teasing. Haha.

[jvuelgiaes]

I’m still looking for you. Almost like I want you to chase me. I keep thinking about maybe you’re thinking that I need space like I’ve done before. Or that I’ll be back again when I get bored or you’re mentioned like I’ve done before. Or I’ll get drunk and just want to “accidentally” talk to you like I’ve done before. Or I see something that reminds me of you like I’ve done before.

But I don’t want to do the things I’ve done before. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t. I have more pride in myself than that or at least I tell myself that I do and that I should.

I want you to like me cause there’s something in me that genuinely likes you. You’re driven in the things you do. You’re dedicated to your sport. You’re social with friends, seems like you have so many. You’re playful and punny. You have interestingly similar interests with me and some on your own that I would’ve never thought, but it checks out with the things you have similar with me. You remember so much about me and my life and things you’ve seen or we’ve talked about. You seem to actually care sometimes. I find myself lighter in feeling when around you and safe to tell you things I don’t always outwardly say to other people. You understand my sentiments in teaching and you even ask me about it. You ask me a lot about me and me you. You make me want you and want to like you and I don’t even think you have to try.

But do you like me is what I’m always wondering. Lately, we can go days without talking and when we do there are still large lapses in time between responses. My heart thinks you’re just entertaining other things, but my mind says it’s tennis or something. But it’s not like I’m supposed to know. We don’t have that kind of thing going where I get that knowledge. I could ask and I’m sure you’d say something, but I don’t have that right to actually know. You’ve told me some times with the extra extended period, but I’m still just feeling like a chore of a response every once in a while. And my over analytical ass can see that your first and sometimes only response comes around 10/11am when you seem to be first waking up. Sometimes between 4-7pm which is before you have tennis. Rarely after 10pm when you’re finished with tennis.

Like I know this isn’t supposed to be what it was before. But even before you were more into it or it seemed. I can’t be doing this to myself YET AGAIN.

I knew I’ve been dumb before and now I just look plain stupid. Stupid for letting you back into my life. For hanging out with you again. For continuing to talk to you. For letting myself fall for this breadcrumb energy where I feel like a nuisance and a fool.

I was literally the one who put myself in this position and I know I’m the only one that can take me out of it.

I don’t have any expectations of you, but I still find myself having hope for me and that’s the thing that really kills me.

I need you to be dead to me. I don’t understand how I can do that easily with friends that I’ve had in the past, but I can’t seem to shake you. You’ve all wronged me in some way - whether it was not reciprocating friendship, talking shit behind my back - but you actually leaving me alone when I was there for you and you knowing that but 1.5 years later and here I was again back in play.

You need to be as dead to me as the people that don’t like me are to me, please leave me alone. I’m trying so hard to leave you alone, but I really need you to leave me alone cause I know you can and are good at it.

[jvuelgiaes]

Just cause I remembered and want to document remembering this interesting dream.

I was at a party or reunion of sorts. I was on my way out the door when a friend I knew in middle school came in with her date. I called her the wrong name, Talecia (from HS) when it was Monique (from MS), but I knew her name for real and just messed up accidentally as it slipped out of my mouth (IRL, I’ve been seeing her stories on Facebook a lot so that might’ve been a conscious subconscious thing). When she came in, she remembered me and was catching up a bit. She was dragging in her date and she could feel him staring at me and even felt his heart racing with his gaze just zoned in. She pointed it out to him but also to me saying “I’ve never felt your heart race so fast!” turned halfway to him, then turning back to me she says “we’re just here as a date, it’s nothing serious *winks.*” Then I say that I was on my way out but it was nice to see her and I head out the door. As I head out and watch the door close, I see him look back at the door trying to catch me and I just smile.

In the parking lot, I’m smiling like what even was that, but also looking for my car. I genuinely could not remember where I parked, which made me really understand it was a dream, because IRL me would never. I go through 2 lanes and nothing, then I finally move to another section of the parking lot where the place was also floor to ceiling windows that were partially open and I spot two familiar faces from high school - Josh (my ex) & Jed. I hadn’t seen them together since freshman college summer. So I go up to the window and smile and wave at them. They were stunned cause they were literally talking about me. They were also talking about the guy that had been staring at me on my way out that was my friend’s date saying how don’t you know him he was part of our class. And I honestly did not know of him at all. They were warning me that his family is broke af like money laundering type things and to be careful. But here I was like, I don’t even know this guy and don’t know why y’all would be telling me this. Then I run into some of my kids in a video game room as I reinvolve myself in the place. Then I wake up.

This was such a strange dream with these elements of my past and present and whoever this man is.

Also, to see the two dudes that liked me simultaneously during my HS senior summer into college talking again at this reunion of sorts was kind of cool. But it stayed on my mind that they were two dudes I was friends with when they both developed feelings but I only developed feelings for one of them and then that became a thing for a minute. Both of them knowing this mystery guy and warning me about his family’s finances.

Now I’m just curious who this guy was supposed to be or is IRL when everyone else I knew from somewhere in person.

[jvuelgiaes]

I don’t know if I’m just super emotional cause my periods probably gonna start soon (tmi probably) or if your question fucked my mental.

But aside from the greetings and me forcing my friends to come out to lazy dog on a Thursday, it didn’t feel like my birthday this year.

I’m not a very loud person when it comes to things like this for myself because all I want is to be thought about thoughtfully and aloud as I would do for my people. I’m the first one to ask the server “do you do anything for birthdays” and I try to be the first one at midnight to tell them happy birthday. I will loudly and proudly sing happy birthday whenever there’s a candle involved. But I know it’s wrong and selfish of me to want others to think of me as I do for them. We’re all different people and act according to our own comfort and emotions.

I know my birthday isn’t over until the month is, but I haven’t even blown out a candle for a wish.

My mom forgetting my birthday kinda hurt, but she was also dealing with my youngest brother’s mental health, which is also why he probably forgot too.

Coming up to Monterey was planned because of a lucky fit into the church’s baptism schedule for my newest goddaughter. They told me I didn’t have to come, but they’re my friends and I’m here for them in the ways that I can. This is their first kid and she was getting baptized and their family and other friend was here, so who am I to be selfish to think they’d possibly think of me too in just asking for a birthday treat with a candle and a song.

My friends are traveling next month to Hawaii, so who am I to ask them to go on a 24 hour trip and visit a place I’ve come to like for its quaintness but also still a city in its own way.

My family’s works schedules have always been hectic, but even more so now so I need to be the one to be flexible on the days that I’m usually out and about instead of a nice weekday for my birthday dinner.

I know these people care about me in the ways that they tell me, but during the time that I remember my own existence in life I also always find myself feeling shitty and making excuses for them because I feel shitty. Maybe it’s my own fault though for not voicing anything, but again all what I want is to be thought of thoughtfully and aloud as I would do for them. I don’t need extravagance, I even just love quaintness —Hanging out, playing games, chilling around.

But also just notice me too?

I guess that’s the Leo in me speaking…

[jvuelgiaes]

It’s wearing me down, but I’ve been feeling off about this for a few days now - before the pulling back.

Even just being annoyed of you yet still yearning for it at the same time.

As cognizant as I am about this, I’m still partaking in it, which makes me look and feel stupid cause I am.

This pull back is probably intentional in the way that you have other priorities or options, but I’m trying to make myself see it as intentional in the way that I need to stop.

Not trying to romanticize this, but thanks for this rn cause it’s helping me stop until it doesn’t…but I’m still hoping it makes me stronger to just let it stop.

[jvuelgiaes]

I’m still at the point in life where I don’t like talking about things unless people ask — except for with my siblings.

I’m trying to become more comfortable talking about these things, but it’s just hard when I don’t necessarily need to cause I can’t do much about certain situations.

But if someone asks why I’m feeling some type of way or why some kinda situation is happening with me, I’ll oblige to an extent.

I really thought - we all really thought - that once the last one was done and graduated and going to college, we’d be good. Maybe even a few years after cause we know how hard those years can be. But it’s just stress and I don’t wear it on my face well when it’s happening and it’s forefront in my mind. I can mostly hide it with the times being had, but sometimes it’s too much.

It’s been like this for years now and just now I’m telling more of the things happening kind of in real time and kind of a month or two later. I just don’t want that to be the things people remember me for or by or feel like they should ask or even be curious to ask when also asking about my life. Cause yes even though that is part of my life, I go out to not have to think about it and vent about it and make my situation known everywhere.

It’s a weird balancing act I have to manage in myself.

[jvuelgiaes]

I don’t know what this means either!

Like I don’t expect anything outside of this like a relationship or anything. I really do just enjoy your company and the feelings I get being around you and talking to you, but I know this isn’t anything more than that. It’s my mind that crushes me.

I think I just need some kinda boundaries with this. It’s my first rodeo in this aspect - despite this really going on for a minuteeeee.

So we can talk when you’re in town or I’m in town and that’s it. You can’t be going around telling me you miss me or telling me that I miss you, cause damn it I do but that doesn’t mean anything.

This shitutation is fucked, but I’m gonna have my fun with it.

[jvuelgiaes]

I let it happen again. I was a willing participant and initiated all of it up again. I really could’ve used my own resources to find where you took us in your area, but I didn’t cause a part of me also just wanted to talk to you and let you know that I was back in the area. And it worked and we met up again and I had to keep reminding myself that I hate you, despite the fact that you’re so nice to me and my friend and you still took us to McDonald’s and just your presence is calming for me. You even opened up a little about your traumatic car accident because of your child locked door.

The next day, I was out of my mind anxiously waiting for you to text me again to find out what our plans were. I am never the one to try and text you because I never want to be the eager one despite me internally wishing waiting hoping for you anyway. And when you finally hit me up at night, I was drunk and sad and mad but what right did I have to be?! I still embarrassed tf out of myself though because I still hadn’t really interacted with this man for 1.5 years and I still like him somehow?! And I’m just out here saying all this crazy bullshit via text like nothing! All of this for me to not say anything until the next/last night like “hey sorry ignore my mental breakdown yesterday. Wanna make out?” Like who did I think I was cause I know that’s not like me. Sometimes I wish it were, but I know my heart is not comfortable doing things that way. It’s too traditional — we can blame romcoms and Disney movies. Unfortunately/fortunately(?), both of us were too inebriated to make anything happen, but you said you’d let me know your plans when you were back out in CA. That was something new for me because you have never let me known that in advance before or keep me up to date with your plans.

For the 1.5 weeks that neither of us were in the same state, we still communicated a little and it made the anticipation fun! You really talked to me on the days we tried to meet up or did actually meet up, which was cute. But the times with lesser messages still started to give me such anxiety just waiting for you. It sucked cause every time you answered, I still had the biggest grin on my face after hours of nothingness.

We finally meet up on Tuesday, as a coworking date. You were really into some work, while I had to catch up on some things for the end of the school year. When I first meet up with you, I feel so weird cause you’re so focused and I’d feel bad taking you away or possibly distracting you. But man did I just want to sit closer and figure out what you were doing with your CheatGPT and all that. It was a quiet and quaint time though. Comfortable in the silence and work, but uncomfortable with my want for physical closeness. We move to another place and you still have work to do as I watch baseball and play bingo. When my baseball game isn’t going as planned, I get to use you as something to hit my head on for frustration. A chill time, nothing crazy especially with the business of your work, but I was happy. We end the day with a kiss.

This is followed by some anxious waiting for texts between the next day of meeting. In my head, I give you excuses of working but it doesn’t have to be that way. I just let myself make excuses anyway because the times we do text make me happy. But we get a second date together, this time no coworking but instead playing! Honestly, the time flew and it was so light and happy. My cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing all over again. I look back now and wish I could’ve sat next to you at some parts, but we still had some contact. Playing the ring game and me losing a couple times, playing speed and me winning all the time, then a combo of the ring game and spit and you demolishing me was cute. And I’m not even mad that you won. I think you’re pretty competitive like me, but my ego doesn’t hurt as much when I see that it makes other people happy to win. I had a gift for you and I wasn’t sure if you were going to see the text for it, but you did and that was goodbye. Last kiss and a cute little face touch.

Since then, the text message/communication anxiety has been striking me. And it really shouldn’t because we aren’t together and we aren’t a thing, but still the replies bring a smile to my face! Until Monday night into Tuesday came…I needed to draw a line and I had been mentally planning for it, but not emotionally.

I told him I don’t want him to talk to me again cause this limbo of communication just hurts my spirit and I can’t say anything about it without sounding crazy because we’re not together. I like you, but we’re not together and that’s fine but not okay with me.

What am I even expecting from this? Honestly?!

Honesty and that’s it. We’re in two different states! There’s no way I’m going back there for you again like last time and I’m assuming similarly for you with me. I love the fun times I do, I love the smiles I get wholeheartedly, but I HATE the anxiousness I feel when I’m not talking to you for hours/days on end just for a reply and I don’t deserve that anxiety but I also am not entitled to your time and energy like that. I know it.

Every time I’m around you, I want to hold your hand or touch your back or something, and sometimes I do, but I’m never sure how comfortable that is for you and I’ve never asked. Again because of this weird limbo that we’re in. But instead of staying in that limbo, I said my truth and I really want us to stop altogether.

The way I have such an urge to explain myself further or dig deeper on your end is killing me emotionally, but it’s probably better that way.

At least the last time I had with you was happy - not like that bullshit you pulled when I went to visit you (see I’d also like to know about that time too cause I have questions).

But this is how we end it I guess.

[jvuelgiaes]

Being here again is both fun and numbing.

Kinda makes me feel like I’m not over it but it’s also different in a way.

And man, drunk words really be sober thoughts out here for me. I can’t even begin to explain the disappointment I put myself through. I would say embarrassment, but I’m really not embarrassed. I put myself in this situation and I didn’t have to - any of the times. I’m glad I did, but the way I go about it with my mind and feelings has me disappointed in me.

I’ll get over all of this eventually…whenever another one starts! (Here I would’ve said “if ever,” but I’m trying to not make this seem like it’s only ever gonna be this cause this isn’t it as I’ve said in the past).

Where’s that kid that tried talking to me at Jackie’s? Another Asian approached me. Good on him for being brave. I wish I handled it differently cause I’m not used to being approached. I wish I gave more into the conversation but like how in that kinda setting? Especially when he said “this doesn’t seem like your kinda place,” which fair but as I said I like the music and drinking. Hahaha. I could’ve just had fun with that, but I was probably also just preoccupied with meeting up with the someone else.

I just hope I’m being cognizant enough to not let the time be killed by my mind where it translates outwardly with the rest of the company on this trip.

[jvuelgiaes]

I lied to my people about having his number blocked. Literally just blocked everywhere else - despite my thinking that blocking people shouldn’t be that deep. But also I stayed delusionally curious about if I didn’t, what could happen in that sense.

So when you told me you were gonna be in town the next day, it was a text and I saw it - I liked it a day and a half later.

Then two weeks later you texted me again when I was in Vegas and after what I’m assuming was your reasoning for coming down to California in the first place - one of your friend’s wedding (always a wedding!). Which the only reason I knew that was cause of our mutuals who posted that they were there and I knew that you also had a connection to the groom. I didn’t answer until a literal 24 hours after, but I stood my ground. Honestly, I was still buzzing from the drinks and music and vibes, but I’m so proud of what I did buzzed cause it was all truthful!

I am looking for more than something than whatever this was. I am still in this shitty likingness of you, so being your friend wouldn’t be good for me. But I would still be friendly enough to talk to you if ever in a situation with our mutuals.

So this chapter is closed! Good luck.

[jvuelgiaes]

Let’s put this all out here…

The audacity. You left me not once, but twice.

It started in August 2022, then it ended when told you I liked talking to you and you tell me you’re not really looking for anything at the moment. That was back in November 2022. Then you unfriend me or block me on Snap in February 2023. Not gonna lie, I was a mess in November because of that - probably because it’s a lot for me to like someone because I have to get to know them and I thought I had gotten to know you in that time - from my birthday until then on Snap. Fool me once, shame on you.

Then August 2023 around my birthday, you DM on instagram “happy birthday!” probably only because you were in town. We don’t even meet up then, but not for lack of trying. I tried to be dry as hell, but goodness the entertainment and feeling I got was euphoric in the way that I had still always had a crush on you since our friends brought you around. I didn’t keep it consistent this time at first. If anything, you were the one starting it up especially leading up to my trip out there and my goodness all the things that you’d bring up from the past had me hook line and sinker again. Man, I loved that trip, because of the carefreeness I had with my friend. And I also enjoyed your company since we met up every night - just mckisses though. I got suckered in. I was trying to not be me and be all constantly hitting you up, but it happened again. I tried to stop around thanksgiving and did mostly, but you hit me up with your Spotify wrapped and I just kept with it. December 2023, I went back up there. We had a cute day when you picked me up, but I knew where your priorities lied with your things and I wasn’t one of them. We met up again the next evening before your things. Those 1.5 times were just kisses and cuddles. My last full day, you claimed to be sick, so again I wasn’t a priority - I never was. I was a mess and a half that night and even the next day. I cried in my uber and they tried to hug me being an old bartender and listening to my story of my friend not really making time to hang out with me, I would’ve accepted the hug but I knew it’d make me cry even more. I blocked you off instagram and everything or so I thought. Fool me twice, shame on me.

August 2024 came and went and the cycle wasn’t returning. I was in the clear, but I still wanted it to happen for some reason. I just want to be wanted by someone I feel like I want, someone I felt some kind of comfortable with, someone I thought was a good person - but proving to not be. Then November 2024, you hit me up on something I missed to block you on telling me “I’m in town tomorrow!!” Reality hit again. Thankfully, I have a person to talk this through with that I trust wholeheartedly and will be real with me especially when I ask because they know I’m real with myself so much that when I’m asking for them to do it, they know it’s real shit. Fool me three times?! No thanks!

I can’t let this keep me, despite the loneliness and boredom I feel in this realm. I can’t keep letting you and myself string me along in this thing that won’t work. If I do, you get what you want, but I don’t get what I deserve in the world. If I did end up doing anything, I’d get what I deserved for being a foolish bored child. I’m not a hoe. I’m not a booty call. I’m not anyone’s “friend in town” in that sense. You know what sucks though?! Is I wish I could be, maybe for you but even a little bit for myself. That’s what sucks, cause again it’s lonely out here. You’re the only person actually approaching me, which makes me think I’m only approachable by you. It also makes me think even shittier things like destiny. When there have been so many red flags and so many times where I’ve been left a fool out to dry.

I have to stop this cycle. I can’t keep letting my upstandingness proceed to fall for your fuck boy ways.

I don’t like it when I end up here. I’d rather be delusional of things that won’t ever happen, but with a person I know consistently and seems to have been raised well and right. Not by some guy who I thought would’ve been a good person because they’re friends with my friends like one would’ve thought. Which is also the only way I’d ever see you again - from our mutual friends.

Goodbye for real for real this time.

[jvuelgiaes]

How do you do this?!

You’re an old ass hoe now. Go do something better and more with your life. I don’t need this energy that you bring even though I’m always guiltily intrigued by it.

I’m more than a booty call. I don’t need these mental gymnastics that I put myself through after you.

I’m amazing company, but you don’t want that consistently as a friendship. And even if you did, we don’t talk like friends. When we did talk, you talked like you could want more.

You just want convenience for you and you alone.

Go away please.

[jvuelgiaes]

You’re seeming to be nicer to me. “Go team!”

Your brother is still being the teasing dude that he is - flipping me off, saying the dodgers suck, etc. But you didn’t play along with that this time!

It’s unfortunate that your mom is injured this season. I wonder if your girlfriend is taking place then. I’m not sure how that is supposed to work in the grand scheme of things when it comes to the league, but I wasn’t expecting anything less of her also attending the weekend anyway.

I’m really hoping my team wins this year - or at least places in the top 3. We’re good enough, just gotta get better and stay more consistent! We’re going to pull it off, I just know it. I’m going to do amazing things and be awesome for me. My sister is going to keep going up and developing as a bowler. My friends have been doing this thing forever, so they’re not new to any of it. But I want this win. I want this win so badly that I practice extra for it. I want them to say our names that I made up last year for them, but we got to use it. We’ve got this!

And then, I’ll also have something over y’all too. Hahah. Which is the best extra prize outside of the winning and glory. 🤭