I’m absolutely devastated to hear of Matthew Perry’s death. Chandler Bing will probably forever be my favourite TV character. Matthew was a troubled soul and once said he always worried he wasn’t funny enough. I wish he could have truly believed in how much laughter and joy he brought to so many. Thoughts go out to his friends and family and of course his Friends Family. Rest in Peace Matthew💔
“I’m not good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
Final chapter/epilogue of this is up. Link here for anyone interested 👉🏻 https://archiveofourown.org/works/48245713/chapters/127995679
Just want to say not sure when I’ll write again. For the first time in 3 years I’m out of ideas and inspiration. I’m hoping I’ll find some from somewhere and write again one day. Just in case it doesn’t happen I want to say thank you to anyone who has ever liked, reblogged or been kind about anything I’ve written on here. Your kindness has meant a lot and given me a lift at some stressful and tough times in life. I’ll always appreciate it and be grateful. 💖
Chapter 14 of this is up now here 👉🏻 https://archiveofourown.org/works/48245713/chapters/127356001. Thanks to anyone who has stuck with it so far. I know it’s been a bit of a slog at times 💖
Chapter 13 of this is here 👉🏻 https://archiveofourown.org/works/48245713/chapters/126929188 . This one might be a little crazy but thanks to anyone who has stuck with it so far. Hope you still can 🤞🏻
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 4/?
Fandom: EastEnders (TV)
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Callum “Halfway” Highway/Ben Mitchell, Jay Brown/Lola Pearce, Rainie Branning Cross/Stuart Highway
Characters: Ben Mitchell, Callum “Halfway” Highway, Lola Pearce, Lexi Pearce, Jay Brown, Phil Mitchell, Kathy Beale, Stuart Highway, Rainie Branning Cross
Additional Tags: Protective Callum “Halfway” Highway, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum “Halfway” Highway, Good Parent Ben Mitchell, Shooting Guns, Army, Good Parent Callum “Halfway” Highway, Hugs, Domestic Fluff
Series: Part 2 of Crystal Blue Eyes Part One.
Summary:
Ben and Callum bring their twins home, family life is full of sleepless nights, as they juggling family life with their jobs. Callum heads back to the Army, a new mission without his side kick causes a little stress. But our macho hot soldier boy is back.
“His whole life, Alex has been loved fiercely and loudly and blazingly, and Henry, Henry has been loved like something beautiful museum in a museum, maintained meticulously and kept behind glass.”
Can’t stop thinking about this quote from Casey and this scene in the movie.
How because Alex loved Henry, fiercely, loudly and blazingly, Henry found the strength and courage to step out from behind that glass and show the world who he really is. Knowing that with Alex by his side, his hand in his, there was nothing to fear anymore. He’d been truly accepted and found the love he’d craved all his life. ❤️🤍💙
Next Chapter of this is here 👉🏻 https://archiveofourown.org/works/48245713/chapters/125215675
Just want to say thanks to anyone who has read and engaged with this so far. I know it’s a drag and not to everyone’s taste but it means a lot to know just a handful of you guys have enjoyed it 💖
Ben let out a contented sigh as he snuggled himself closer to Callum, relishing the comforting warmth he felt from his husband's chest and the arm draped over his shoulder as they sat on the sofa in their flat. The telly was on, the bright colours from the screen the only source of light in their living room, but Ben wasn't paying much attention to whatever show Callum had clicked on. Instead, Ben's mind had been on something he had discussed with his therapist that afternoon.
Therapy had been going well, Ben felt. He had become more and more comfortable in the group sessions the longer he attended, and had found himself volunteering to speak during one recently. He'd even been able to start one-on-one visits with a therapist, a kind young woman called Jody, and somehow she had made talking about what had happened to him less daunting. It was slow but it was progress, and the weight that had been filling his bones, festering in the pit of his stomach for the better part of the last year and a half, was beginning to feel a little less heavy.
He was far from being his old self—he probably wouldn't ever feel like his old self again—but Ben had found there were more and more instances where he was able to laugh, to enjoy the small moments of peace with his husband and daughter without the clouds of his trauma hanging over him. Jody had taught him ways to cope when things got too overwhelming, which didn't always work and most of them made him feel silly at first, but they helped. Ben was starting to move forward with his life, giving himself the time and space to heal from everything that had happened.
There was one thing that still weighed down his shoulders: intimacy, or the lack of it in his marriage. Callum had been so understanding, full of patience and willingness to wait until Ben was ready. He'd never once pushed him, hadn't even brought it up again since that initial conversation, and knowing that Callum loved him enough—still loved him—to put his own desires aside for him made Ben's heart feel so full.
But, as he had brought up to his therapist at his session earlier that day, Ben was still troubled by one part of Callum's reassurances.
"Cal?"
"Hmm?"
Jody had encouraged Ben to bring it up, reminding him that he wouldn't know how Callum would react for sure until he actually asked. "You remember the night, a few months ago, when I told you about everything?"
"Yeah," Callum said, his fingertips still dancing delicately over Ben's arm.
"And we talked about how, erm, how we haven't been intimate since before?"
Ben was trying his best to keep his voice even, to not let Callum hear how scared he was to bring this up again. He knew he didn't have to hide what he was feeling, that Callum wasn't going to judge him or laugh at him, but it didn't make it any easier to speak the words.
He continued, "And you told me that we could wait as long as I needed until I was ready to try?"
Callum's fingers stopped their movements. “’Course, and I meant it then and still mean it now.”
"What if I'll never be ready?" Ben whispered the question, afraid his words would choke him if spoken too loudly.
"You don't have to rush yourself, babe," Callum told him softly, echoing his answer from the night in question. "I want you to be completely, one hundred percent sure that you're ready. I promise I'm good to wait."
"But I might never get there."
Callum paused for only a moment or two, but even that was enough to fill Ben with dread at the possibility that his anxieties were warranted. But when he spoke next, Callum's voice gave nothing away.
"Do you not want to?" he asked. "I don't mean now, but do you think you won't want to ever in the future either?"
"I dunno," Ben answered honestly, unable to bring himself to look his husband in the eye. He didn't want to see disappointment in them, didn't think he could handle the possibility of Callum living out their marriage regretfully and full of resentment.
"It's okay if you don't," Callum assured him gently, pressing his lips into Ben's hair. "I won't be upset."
Ben took a deep breath, in and out, but said nothing. A quiet fell over them, but it wasn't tense. He knew Callum wasn't lying, wasn't just saying what he thought he should say. He hadn't stormed off, hadn't chastised Ben, or tried to convince him that he'd need to push through his hesitation. Callum stayed with him, his arm around Ben's shoulders, solid and soothing.
"It scares me to think about it, really," Ben finally admitted, his hands fidgeting in his lap. "And it's hard for me to think that things might be different later on, because they haven't been yet. It's like he's always there, lurking beneath the surface. Taunting me."
Ben felt Callum pull him a little closer at the mention of Lewis, holding him a little tighter. Protective and safe, strong in the ways Ben loved most about him.
"After it happened," he continued, "I was so desperate to replace the feeling of him, and I tried but even though it weren't him I kept smelling his aftershave or feeling his hands on me. Hearing his voice. I had to be completely off my head to do anything and it still didn't work. He was still right there, it just made him fuzzier."
Gaining a bit of courage, Ben turned his head to meet Callum's gaze. He didn't see any of the emotions he had been afraid to find, only love and care in those crystal blue eyes.
"I don't want it to be like that with you," he confessed with watery eyes and half a smile.
Callum reached out to cup Ben's jaw, running his thumb gently over his cheek. "I don't either, darling. If, well enough into the future, you decide you want to try, then I'm here. But if that day never comes, or we do try and we can't because it doesn't feel right, then that is okay, too. I ain't going anywhere."
And then Callum said what Ben needed to hear most, the words that he knew were true and had the power to burn away the fears that continuously scratched at the back of his mind.
"I still love you."
"Even if I'm too broken to have sex?" Ben had tried to say it like a joke, but the words came out too harsh.
"I love you right now today just as much as yesterday and the day before that. Every day for the last four years and every day after." Callum leaned down and left a lingering kiss on Ben's forehead. When he pulled back they shared warm smiles, and it was like this moment between them was the only one that mattered; the culmination of every moment in their relationship thus far, and every moment after. Their love was unconditional, forever, just like they had promised. "Sex ain't a deal-breaker for me, Ben. We'll cross that bridge when, or if, we come to it. But I'm happy so long as I'm with you."
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