Taking It One Step At A Time

Little recovery account - back on Tumblr after a little break ... hoping it helps ?

[free-my-mindd]

[glowcowboy]

being a person is so weird bc i’ll be like “i wish my brain was kinder to me esp when i’m already having a hard time,” and then i remember that i’m my brain and i have to be kinder to me and that nobody else will do it for me

[fuckingwhateverdude]

10.22.22

[kat-recovers]

Imposter syndrome is overtaking my brain at the moment. It’s been so hard being a graduate, job hunting, attending all of my appointments and engaging with treatment. After a lot of rejections I have been accepted onto an amazing programme but I’m very overwhelmed by it. I feel guilty even talking about it much with friends, like why did this happen for me? They are so much better than I am. I don’t deserve this. Etc etc.

I also am lacking any solid routine. Doing random temp work days. Housemate is barely ever in. Applications and projects at a bit of a stop start. Forgetting to leave the house like every weekend. It’s just hard to feel super safe. I’m struggling to keep track of my commitments and that makes me more anxious.

Don’t get me wrong I’m so grateful. And I can’t believe how great this opportunity could be for me. I’m just scared. And I still am in treatment and my mental health will is an ongoing battle at least right.

[kat-recovers]

Long time no post… not that anyone is on here anymore

Just finished my first rotation of DBT (which seems to mean a 6 month programme taking about 8 or 9 months) and it’s been really hard work but when I think of how badly I was struggling around March time I am really proud of myself for sticking with it. It’s like any treatment in a way because it’s not a bandaid, and it does make things worse before they get better. Currently working very hard on emotional regulation which I always knew would be the hardest of the elements. Most recent emotional punches have included graduating from uni, applying and applying for jobs (lots of rejections). And my therapist who I’ve grown to really trust is leaving DBT - I’m not surprised as she hasn’t been available for telephone coaching for a few weeks and at times was visibly overwhelmed. But there are some hurt feelings which I am trying to process and valid. Also some relief. And some frustration/anger - services passing me around once again, having to start over when things are hard enough etc etc … but I will get through it. I will try to get through it.

Got anxiety bubbles and a lot of sad today. But i got myself up. I thoroughly self soothed with a hot shower, lots of face creams and potions. Now I am going to try to build mastery by hoovering the downstairs of the flat and cleaning up the kitchen. Not sure when housemate is back. Found being on my own a lot recently hard. And I really miss uni.

[liefst]

Touch me and see what happens. Engraved kitchen knives, 2022. instagram

[heavensghost]

I DON’T NEED THE WORLD TO SEE THAT IVE BEEN THE BEST I CAN BE

[mentalhealth]

by peopleiveloved

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Your best is what you can do without harming your mental and physical health, not what you can accomplish when you disregard it.

[babydollgrunge]

[amanda-laya-deactivated20150609]

[kat-recovers]

A long not very nice day at work. So much physical anxiety. And it’s a full moon which is making everything blurry. Head is full of horrible images. I’m so tired of it.

[kat-recovers]

Look at me go practicing skills and actually trying to get clean from self destructive behaviours 🥺 I hit a proper rock bottom last weekend that resulted in several hours in A&E but I’ve somehow picked myself up. Instead of crumbling I am really trying to fight.

[kat-recovers]

Compromise - I might not manage all of my original plans today but I need a break. It’s my first quiet day in a couple of weeks. I’m allowed to rest. Food shop is ordered to be delivered. And that’s okay. I’m allowed to be drained and hungry and need to rest. Saving my spoons.

[kat-recovers]

After an absolutely awful week I’ve had a couple of really good days. Busy but I’ve felt grounded and safe. Which is a huge privilege after such a tough month or so. But I fucked up a bit and only just eaten the first proper hot cooked meal in about a week. And wow the sensation of fullness is really fucking triggering. I’ve had an upset stomach from too much vodka last weekend… and I just feel full and uncomfortable. Gahhh.

[quotespile]

“Standing there on the embankment, staring into the current, I realized that — in spite of all the risks involved — a thing in motion will always be better than a thing at rest; that change will always be a nobler thing than permanence; that that which is static will degenerate and decay, turn to ash, while that which is in motion is able to last for all eternity.”

— Olga Tokarczuk, Flights

[kat-recovers]

Yesterday was such a difficult day. It was her birthday and my heart shattered. I had made really clear plans to get through the day but they unexpectedly fell through, through no one’s control or fault. So I just kind of froze and cried a lot. I stayed the whole day at uni because I didn’t trust myself to stay safe at home and thankfully my friends were so patient and encouraged me to do things and we went out for a couple of drinks like originally planned. Trying to be a little bit gentle this morning it’s nearly eleven, I’ve taken out the rubbish and now I’m going to try to ‘mindfully’ walk to uni along the nice route. Today I want to screw my head back on and focus on my work and the fact that I have a deadline for a proposal in just a week. I’m going to try some painting one mindfully and non judgementally.