sagemottas:
What is she trying to fix?
The question weighs heavily on her brain as she tries to come up with a response that she can live with. She and Kellan are clearly not friends– they’ve said as much. They’re so much more and so much less at the dizzyingly same time, it makes Sage’s head spin. Kellan speaking to her like this feels the same way the cancer did– like her own body is trying to attack itself. All of this work, this pain, this physical pain, what did it get her? Kellan doesn’t hate her, Kellan isn’t mad at her, more importantly– why does she care?
She decides to let herself get angry. It’s a dangerous path. Cinna would be so proud of her, and that knowledge is heavy on her conscience.
“I don’t know.” Sage’s voice is the epitome of calm, nonchalant, and indifferent– it’s terrifying in the way she’s trying to come off as calm when she has nothing to hide– Kellan already knows everything. “Don’t you get it? That’s half the problem. I owe you nothing. I owe you absolutely nothing. I have saved your life, I’ve fulfilled your requests– at times, mind you, at great risk to myself– I’ve been practically tripping over myself for you. And for what? So you can throw it all back in my face?”
He’s almost killed her. She’s almost killed him. When the gods took her powers away, it altered her life completely and wholly. She went to that party looking for a fight, and she got one. The power swap was another story. Losing her death sense powers had made her feel lighter. Sage had felt like she could actually hold on a conversation. Maybe she could be witty, charming, actually endearing instead of her usual sullen and moody. She felt like maybe, perhaps, she was worth someone else’s time.
“Oh my god,” Sage exhales, centering herself by taking a deep breath. Despite all of the athletics, the boxing, the yoga, the hiking, she cannot find her calm in this moment. “If that’s what you want? Then fine. That’s what you want. I’ll stop trying to save you, I’ll stop meeting up with you i in the spirit world. I’ll stop giving a flying fuck, because that’s clearly done well for me.”
Her fists are clenched and ready to fly, tightly drawn against her sides. “Don’t even try and tell me any of this. You think I don’t know? You do realize that you are literally fighting destiny right now, right, Kellan? She’s your soulmate. How do I know this? I have soul manipulation and I can sense yours the same way I can sense the six thousand ghosts who are also currently yelling at me. So you either live with your tether, understand that she will always be a part of you in some way, or you kill her and see what it does to your soul. Why do you think you saved her in the first place?”
The main thing Sage does not understand is why this hurts so much, why she feels like she’s gasping for air, why her throat is tight. “I don’t know why I do it either. I have absolutely no clue why I’ve suddenly decided your life is more valuable than mine. In fact, maybe you could tell me, since you now have this unprecedented look inside my brain. Go ahead, make my day.”
Kellan knows, on some level, that he’s in the wrong here. They both are, to some degree, but he especially is. She’s only done what she could to help him out. He should, by all means, be grateful to Sage for what she’s done. He owes her everything, and they both know it. He has no right to be angry with her right now, not when all of this has been for him.
But he is. He’s so fucking angry.
He wants to feel smug. She swears to stop trying for him, and he’s happy because yes, exactly. That’s all he wants. He wants her to stop trying so hard to save him, to help him, to keep him afloat. Eventually, she has to realize that he doesn’t care what happens to him. Whether he lives or dies, suffers or not, smiles or gives up, it’s on him. He wants her to stop trying to prevent him from facing his own consequences. He wants her to stop stepping into the line of fire for his benefit. That’s all he’s been saying, and finally, she sees that.
Her next words make him freeze. Despite his lack of understanding on the subject, Kellan knows that love exists. He knows that it’s possible to meet someone one day and have them change your entire world with almost no effort. Does he believe in soulmates? Not really. At least, he didn’t. But Sage is saying that Alicia is his, and he has no way of knowing if she’s saying this just to hurt him again, or if she means it, but he hopes it’s the former. Soulmate is not a word to be tossed around lightly. And if Alicia is his, then—
“I already killed her once,” he says, the perfect picture of tension. He doesn’t know if he believes what she says about Alicia, doesn’t even know if he cares. But he isn’t taking back what he said. “It’s my fault she died. If I have to kill her, I will.” He’s almost surprised to find that he still means it. Whether Alicia is his soulmate or not, he isn’t going to sacrifice Sage’s life for hers. He owes Alicia nothing, and he owes Sage everything.
Distantly, he realizes that he’s once again choosing Sage over everything else. And he still doesn’t doubt his decision.
“I don’t know anything, Sage.” He’s equal parts frustrated and incredulous. He doesn’t even know why this is an argument that they’re having. He doesn’t know why she keeps trying. “All I know is that you don’t gain anything from helping me. You keep trying to save me, and all I want is to save you. Why don’t you get that?”
