why have abs when you can have kebabs

|Jess//Uk|

[bufhasvhndsls-deactivated201610]

GET A LOAD OF THAT DOG

[owlmylove]

[distantly] THAT DOG

[gothhabiba]

me, every single month without fail: huh weird I feel kind of bloated and lethargic but also very hungry??? and I’m breaking out??? and my back hurts??? this is so strange I have never experienced this before in my whole entire life… what could this be

me a few days later, every single month without fail: oh

[beachdeath]

“the CIA is releasing tens of thousands of files and videos from bin laden’s compound today, except his DVDs of ‘home on the range’ and ‘ice age: dawn of the dinosaurs’ and his copy of final fantasy vii, because those are copyrighted” is not a sentence i ever thought i would type, but 2017 continues to be full of surprises

[bitchycode]

I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on

[powerburial]

i regret telling a coworker i was vegetarian because now a year later theyre vegan and they live in portland and every single day they post a video on facebook of them like running up to a truck full of cows and crying and apologizing to them

[iamoutofideas]

who’s papa john

[iamoutofideas]

I just realized that I commented on the wrong post.

[picsthatmakeyougohmm]

hmmm

[turbo-pharaoh]

That’s the pants saying it

[nautilusing]

this was the first 280 character tweet I saw and now I never want to see another one because nothing is ever going to fucking top it

[cycopompadour]

Wtf

[gay-jesus-probably]

It’s a reference to telling a horror/tragic story in one sentence, specifically Ernest Hemmingway’s ‘Baby shoes for sale, never worn’. The joke here being the person is replying to the ad, and does not get the implication that the sellers baby died before it could wear them, and as a result is being hilariously insensitive.

[heckifiknowcomics]

hang in there buddy.

[web-wrecker]

He?

[politiho]

[goochie-mane]

[stingywithmycootiecat]

😂😩😩Interracial weddings be like.

[linastar87]

Hilarious

[susiethemoderator]

I’ve been to enough interracial weddings where the partners are Black and White to know that this video is nothing but the absolute TRUTH.

[guccicassonade-deactivated20171]

Im gonna scream

[incelphobic]

the man with his shirt off im

[onlyblackgirl]

Why his shirt off tho 😂

[jessesthoughtsandmore-deactivat]

OH MY GOD

[bellygangstaboo]

[fozmeadows]

Watching my toddler figure out how to language is fascinating. Yesterday we were stumped when he kept insisting there was a “Lego winner” behind his bookshelf - it turned out to be a little Lego trophy cup. Not knowing the word for “trophy”, he’d extrapolated a word for “thing you can win”. And then, just now, he held up his empty milk container and said, “Mummy? It’s not rubbish. It’s allowed to be a bottle.” - meaning, effectively, “I want this. Don’t throw it away.” But to an adult ear, there’s something quite lovely about “it’s allowed to be a bottle,” as if we’re acknowledging that the object is entitled to keep its title even in the absence of the original function.

[legit-writing-tips]

Another good post to read for those writing small human characters. 

[jennytrout]

My son was about three when he came to me in the middle of the day and said, “Mommy, there’s a knight behind the bush.” I thought he meant a toy knight or something. So I follow him outside and he goes, “Listen. Do you hear it? It’s night behind the bush.” It was a cricket. A cricket was standing in the little patch of shade under the bush, chirping. So, my son saw this dark area with accompanying nighttime sounds and decided, okay, well, that is a night right there. Their brains are incredible.

[deleted20211121]

My little bean knows she’s two, constantly saying proudly ‘I’m two!’ And the other day she saw this very frail old lady who looked one foot in the grave, pulled a face and said ‘oh shiiiit. She’s three.’ I almost screamed.

[cantnotknope]

I live in Korea and have a lot of international friends, and the same is true with language barriers in adults. 

*Looking at a bowl of pears* “Can you please pass me the… apple’s friend?” 

[masterofbirds]

OH SHIT SHE’S THREE

[bunney]

me writing a resume: “hello im a mentally healthy person who LOVES capitalism and

[slimegargoyle]

a pleasant thought: gay grandparents will soon be commonplace

[ithelpstodream]

[fieldbears]

tattoo this on my flesh

[systlin]

I literally had a friend say this the other day while having dinner with him and his husband. 

“Listen.” He said. “I served in the military. 10 years in the army, and had to keep my mouth shut and pretend. I had to pretend to everyone, until I just got sick of it and decided fuck you all. I haven’t been nice in years. Everyone saying I should shut up can kiss my ass.” 

If people wanted nice gay people they should have been nicer to them. 

[rocketmermaid]

IF PEOPLE WANTED NICE GAY PEOPLE THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO THEM

[systlin]

Oh wow I forgot about this. I need to tell Ron he’s Tumblr famous now.

[systlin]

Ron says to tell all the pissed off cockroach motherfuckers that he and his husband Ryl are now your Angry Gay Dads.

[wellbutrinboy]

i love laying the FUCK down and sleeping

[keithsweatshop]

my kink is avoiding a popular song, riding out it’s popularity & over-saturation & then enjoying it during it’s decline

[kebabshop]

me: *spots a wasp*

me: i am calm, cool and collected. i will not run. i will not yell.

wasp: *comes closers*

me: i am cALM, c-cOOL AND COLLECTED- I AM RUNNINGn I AM YELLING