Conflict Resolution and You

Do you find yourself arguing with your spouse about things that feel insignificant, such as who should do the dishes that night or who left that dirty sock on the floor? Do fights quickly escalate past what you feel like you can handle? How about feeling that awkwardness the day after, because the fight got stale but never really resolved, and you still feel a bit resentful? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this activity on Conflict Resolution can help! Here you'll learn about the different conflict styles, and how to resolve conflict in a way that builds intimacy and trust between you and your partner.

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Argument 2: Conflict-avoidance

3. Attempt to initiate intimacy through a romantic gesture.

Not the worst choice, but avoiding the problem at hand causing the lack of intimacy may lead to worse results down the road. Avoiding the conflict early on may lead to a dead bedroom being the norm in the relationship. Attempting intimacy while acknowledging that something is wrong may potentially offend your partner, as it may feel as though you’re only interested in the physical aspect of the relationship.

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Argument 2: Bickering

2. Tell your partner that you’re feeling inadequate and that you’re not sure if they love you anymore because they aren’t showing it physically.

Although your feelings towards this are important, assuming their feelings is a bad approach to a conflict. It shows your partner that you are seeing them in a specific light, one that may be contradictory to how they are actually acting, and shows a lack of emotional attunement to your partner.

Starting a conflict in this way also makes it feel as if there is blame to be pushed onto your partner, which in turn may make them feel defensive towards you. 

Consider this: You can let your partner know that you’re feeling upset at the lack of intimacy in the relationship. You are entitled to feel upset. But then you can employ a conflict management skill such as compromise to remedy the situation. 

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Argument 2: Harmonious

1. Mention to your partner that you’re feeling as though there is a lack of intimacy in the relationship. Ask if they’re feeling the same way, and what their opinion on the matter is. Assess the changes that may have led to this situation, whether it’s a lack of time, job stress, weight gain, etc.

Good job! You’ve brought up your feelings without making it a matter of blame on yourself or your partner. If you make it a blame game, feelings of negativity influence the argument. 

In the prompt, it was mentioned that your partner had recently gained some weight. Turns out, they’ve been feeling pretty inadequate about that. They don’t feel desirable anymore, and even though you’re attracted to them, they don’t feel comfortable enough in their own body to reciprocate. You were able to find this out because you were open about your needs and about changes in the relationship without trying to attribute those changes to anything in particular. By going into the discussion without any preconceived notions, you listen fully to how your partner feels. 

Listening to your partner’s feelings and offering productive solutions shows them that you are emotionally attuned to them, and therefore breeds a healthy relationship dynamic. Let’s look at some solutions:

- Offer to diet/exercise with your partner. Doing it alone and building a routine is hard, but helping them in this journey shows that you’re committed to their happiness and want them to succeed.

- Showing compassion often. In showing active understanding towards your partner’s feelings, they know that they can share with you without any risk of feeling judged. 

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Argument 2

In this argument, imagine that you’re dissatisfied with the frequency of intimate relations with your partner. An argument bigger in scale than the last, but a surprisingly common one nonetheless. Your partner recently gained weight, and although you’re still attracted to them, the frequency of intimacy has dropped drastically. How do you go about bringing up this issue? 

Do you:

1. Mention to your partner that you’re feeling as though there is a lack of intimacy in the relationship. Ask if they’re feeling the same way, and what their opinion on the matter is. Assess the changes that may have led to this situation, whether it’s a lack of time, job stress, weight gain, etc. 

2. Tell your partner that you’re feeling inadequate and that you’re not sure if they love you anymore because they aren’t showing it physically.

3. Attempt to initiate intimacy through a romantic gesture.

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Argument 1: Conflict-avoidance

3. Remain quiet as you make dinner for yourself and sit down in front of the television to watch the newest episode of your show.

Neither you nor your partner mentions the dishes. You feel resentful that you had to make your own dinner after working, and your partner feels as though you were gone all day just to come home and watch T.V. 

Resentment builds in both of you, although neither of you are aware that the other is feeling this way. Neither of you make dinner for the other, or do the dishes for a few additional times, until the argument is explosive when it does finally happen.

If you chose this option, you want to ask yourself why you felt as though the change in routine wasn’t something worth talking about. Did it seem like too much effort after a long day at work? Conflict-avoidance often leads to the building of resentment until an explosive argument finally happens, and when couples don’t learn conflict resolution from these smaller arguments, the bigger arguments can be relationship ruining. Acknowledging that you avoid conflicts is the first step towards assuring that you confront the issues at hand. 

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Argument 1: Bickering

2. Ask why the chores that they were supposed to do haven’t been done. Remind them that you’ve worked all day and that you are the one that brings money into the household.

Your partner responds that they’ve been taking care of your child all day, and that taking care of a child is just as hard as the job you do. They say that you never appreciate the hard work that they do, so they’ve decided not to do the housework. 

You’ve started the argument off by making the situation about yourself, when something is obviously wrong with your partner. They normally do the housework with no complaint, so what’s different this time? The response that you got was equally argumentative to your first comment, and doesn’t get down to the core of why your partner didn’t do the chores they were expected to. In bringing up your position in the household, your partner feels that they are seen as doing inferior work.

But don’t worry! You haven’t doomed this argument to a loss of trust and the building of resentment. Let’s take a look at actions you could take to diffuse this argument and resolve it peacefully.

- Assure your partner that their hard work is appreciated. If you were often thankless in the past, let them know that you’re aware of this and will change. (Making Promises to Change Repair Strategy)

- Discuss with them why they are feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. Go over the division of the chores to see if the arrangement is equitable.

- Work with your partner on creating a harmonious conflict next time, in which they don’t feel as though they are treated as inferior without you knowing the reasoning behind their different behavior. In order to repair the situation, consider using a repair strategy. For this situation in particular, defining the conflict and summarizing both points of view would be profitable. To employ this, you would start by taking responsibility for your own part of the conflict. 

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Argument 1: Harmonious

1. Request a sit down discussion with your partner in which you express your concern for their daily habits. Remind them of the existence of your agreement, and ask if there is a reason that this arrangement isn’t working for them.

Your partner responds that they’re feeling down lately, as all they do is stay home, do housework, and take care of a child. They don’t get to spend time with their friends, or maintain any hobbies, because they feel as though they are saddled with the entirety of the childcare.

In this situation, your partner is likely feeling depressed about their daily life. They feel isolated, which is very common in stay-at-home parents. By addressing the problem in a calm and effective way, you’ve gotten your partner to trust that they can open up to you without feeling judged.

What should you do to resolve the argument and build trust/intimacy with your partner? Here are some viable solutions.

- Offer to take care of your child over the weekend, allowing your partner to go out with their friends or partake in a hobby.

- Look into hiring a nanny or into daycare systems so that your partner can go back to work or volunteer.

- Make friends with other couples with small children, and have play-dates in which the kids socialize as well as the adults.

These are just a few solutions of many that show that you care to resolve the source of the situation. In fixing the problem at the core, your partner will be much happier in their day to day life, and they’ll trust that they can come to you when they’re feeling overwhelmed in the future because you had great conflict resolution!

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Argument 1:

Let’s start with a small argument. You are the sole money-earner in the family. Your partner is a stay-at-home parent to your 2 year old daughter. After a long day at work, you come home to dishes in the sink and nothing cooked for dinner, despite you having an agreement with your partner that they are to perform the household chores while you work outside the home. 

Your partner comes to greet you at the front door. How do you face this issue? 

1. Request a sit down discussion with your partner in which you express your concern for their daily habits. Remind them of the existence of your agreement, and ask if there is a reason that this arrangement isn’t working for them.

2. Ask why the chores that they were supposed to do haven’t been done. Remind them that you’ve worked all day and that you are the one that brings money into the household. 

3. Remain quiet as you make dinner for yourself and sit down in front of the television to watch the newest episode of your show. 

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Conflict Styles

Harmonious: The desirable conflict style. Those who actively listen to the problems that their partner is experiencing and offer supportive and constructive solutions to the problem. Couples who both have this conflict style are likely to resolve their arguments in such a way that their trust and intimacy levels are elevated after an argument.

Conflict-avoiding: Those who avoid the problem’s existence. Those who pretend that the problem does not actually exist and that the fault lies with one person in the relationship overreacting or having an issue with themselves. Couples with this conflict style tend to avoid smaller arguments, which leads to them having no resolution skills for when a big argument hits. 

Bickering: Those who argue about everything. From small to big, arguments are often picked but not resolved. This leads to a growing feeling of anxiety and dissatisfaction in the relationship. When the default state of the relationship is “fighting” rather than stable and loving, and none of the arguments are ever being resolved, trust is very low in the relationship. Couples with this conflict style tend to break up early in the relationship, as trust and intimacy are never built.