Im sitting here at home. My first day off of training. Harrahs doesnt play with their employees. Im just glad I get to work. I can still party, I just have to be responsible. No more doing stupid stuff. I can party responsibly. I dont know much else to say. Id like to talk about Jared, but Im still unsure what I say when I black out with him. He seems to bring on the tears a lot. I feel better having not out those emotions, and I know he knows a few things that he shouldn't. I cant say what Iam to him, but Im definitely falling harder each time I see him. I dont know why it feels so good to be around him. Maybe it really is because he sees me in such dark light but hes willing to try to help me out none the less. Im scared to break him. I dont want him to just forget about me and leave me like the rest. I dont need him to just be for me, but I do want him to be near me.
When Ive had so much alcohol around him my mouth just starts to flow. So much on my mind but there is a code of silence for the things that hurt me the most. How can I show him I wont hurt him if can even trust him? Hes seen some bad things in me and I dont like it. I dont want him to have to see me cry all the time and in such pain. I want him to see the side of me that is so bright and fun. No matter how deep my sadness is, I dont want him to keep seeing it.
The best times I have with him seem so perfect. My mind might ruin the moment with a thought. I think I feel a little harder when I rest on top of him, or him on me. I just feel such closeness to him. I like to have him so close, but still I do keep him far. Such a weird feeling to be so comfortable around someone again. David had brought that darkness out half a year ago, and things happened that shouldnt. My mouth began to scream really bad things. Everything that was inside seemed to just become so real. Life got hard and I was alone again. Fighting the sadness and a pain within. Jared is bringing back that pain. I should face it so the same thing doesnt happen. I want to be better and have him follow.
I did something I cant seem to forget, I kissed his best friend In a moment of weakness. I didnt mean to but my heart goes out to those who feel like I do. It wasnt about sex or even attraction. It was just the alcohol winning again. I dont even remember why or how it happened but I started to cry and run. This is just what Jared had told me. I just remember a double shot Screwdriver and some dancing. Conversation and Jared showing up a few times in between. I remember feeling myself fall. Then theres a blank and im in the car. He said I had ran to the mens bathroom to cry. Its strange to hear that I just went there. I know good and well where the womens bathroom is and even that there are chairs in there. Instead I ran to the mens bathroom and just cried behind the door. I must have some real problems with men.
I really used to think that men dont feel but when I hear heartfelt music and beautiful poems/writing, I see the pain that I have too or the love for another that is sooooooooo true. I feel like writing for Jared, something cute and wound up in darkness. I feel stupid for doing it because it let alot out of me. More than Intended. when I write, I just let if flow, all the stuff on my mind just attacks me and it just goes.
I wrote about dancing with my demons, holding them close, and keeping them in my bed. I think it was a metaphor for accepting the pain and playing with it. Seeking out more so its refreshes to prove my point. Taking it home and living in it. I fight the thought that people care. Why? I dont know. Maybe its seeing that hope inside myself, that maybe everything is okay. As soon as I gain something, It finds a way to leave. My family they care but i think for the wrong reasons. They dont want to lose me to suicide, this i understand because they care. No matter how much they dont show it they do. Yet they dont try to keep me from being sad. If I cry they leave me alone. I sit by myself so many times, thinking about razor blades and how hard it would be to just do it again. This stuff is sad again. Depression is something I truly cant help.
I used to be just angry all the time, and destory any feelings of pain. I was apathetic and aggressive with people who felt too much pain. If you are sad you dont have to cry. I use to bitch them out for not being strong, inside i was burning to cry along. Now that I know that it just get to be too much. No matter how long you hold it in, it will find its way out. When mine found its way out. I drove it back with feeling for someone else, I drove it back with all the wrong stuff. Alcohol isnt the answer but I thought it was at the time. When I finally broke, it was what did me in. My last words would have been...."ITS FUCKING WHAT EVER!" and I took those pills by the handful. God it hurts me even more because I damaged everyone around me. My best friend saved my life. He held me and shoved his fingers down my throat. His eyes filled with tears, because I kept fighting him. I threw up alot of foam. I remember everything being so black, and getting up to him holding me to tight. He was crying too, I didnt understand I said those words that echoed in my mind. "I'm not supposed to be here! No. I'm not supposed to wank up."I never cried so hard in all my life. My family would know because I said my goodbyes. I started to feel angry because he help me survive. In came my sister she was so mad at me I couldnt even say anything. I was so cold by body wouldnt stop shivering. This is what hurts so bad because I wasnt even thinking about what my family would have to see. I wouldnt have known but I do now.
I made such pain in doing something so stupid. I cant forgive myself for this. because I had truely hurt everyone I care about. EVERY SINGLE PERSON I WOULD NEVER TRY TO HURT, I DID. Because I was selfish and wanted to end my own pain. My sister kept repeating. "Kelly please dont leave me, I need you." Ive never felt needed. I always felt like a weight that they were obligated to carry. It didnt stop there, my ex he called, and his voice was so sad. Even him I had hurt. And my baby sister....again those words hurt so bad. "Why did you do this to us?" I cried harder and harder each person I hurt. I never thought It would hurt them. I really didnt see all the pain I would cause by just hurting me. I cant forgive myself for this...I should have been strong for them. And I will be now. No matter how much pain.
How I got to this point I dont know. I write and it flows. These are the things that keep me sad. The everything that keep me mad. Im going to stop writing, this was so much for today. I feel a ton better now that Its off my mind.
Take life to the fullest, even if you think no one can care, they DO! THEY DO!
