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Hey, How’d You Get That?

Now listen to me very carefully, because this is extremely important: Do not ask, “How’d you get that?” I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked “How’d you get that?” about any number of neat things for which I worked really really really really fucking hard. I know plenty of people – mostly women – who get asked this question on the regular, and it pisses all of us off. “How’d you get that?” sounds so incredibly insulting. It conveys the message that you think there’s some easy route to get whatever it is you want, and, moreover, that you expect somebody to just give you the secret formula. I usually give one of two answers:

1. “Well, I was born, studied very hard in school, worked really hard to get good grades and do lots of activities, had a nervous breakdown in college that left me suicidal, did an enormous amount of psychological work in order to get to a place where I could leave my room and eventually my home, went to a new college, struggled with depression and anxiety some more, ended up in the emergency room, got out of the emergency room, failed half my final semester, worked really fucking hard in an insane school in the AmeriCorps program for shit money, went to graduate school in New York on a bunch of loans I’m still paying back, student-taught in the public schools, realized I didn’t want to be a high school teacher, graduated from grad school, worked a bunch of weird jobs at all hours of the day so that I could do comedy at night, started blogging for free, started making videos for free, did a shitload of stuff for free to prove that I could do it for pay, started getting paid but still did a ton of stuff for free, gladly eschewed an active social life for many years in order to get what I wanted, got representation, got more work for more money, kept working my ass off, wrote a book, got really depressed again, got better, worked even harder, wrote a pilot based on the first book, wrote another book, wrote another book, wrote a fourth book, worked with awesome people and with jerks and did my best to be a decent human being along the way, without once ever asking somebody, ‘How’d you get that?’ as if the answer were pat and simple and as if I deserved to know it in the first place. So, yeah, that’s how I ‘got that.’”

2. “Oh, LOL, I just sucked a bunch of dicks!”

Then I giggle and twirl my hair and skip off into the sunset.

thirst

achildmiseducated

October 30, 2018

I know I’m not supposed to say this. I know I’m supposed to play it cool or whatever. Actually, by even daring to *think* the phrase “play it cool” at 29 I’m already deeply, hopelessly, undeniably uncool.

Anyway.

I know I’m not supposed to say this.

But feeling you next to me is something like home. Something like happy. Something like worth it. Something like good. Something like what makes the late nights and the hot under the covers bearable. Something like comfort. Something like hot, and not just temperature. Something like want to write about it but don’t want to tell anyone because this is just for me and you. Something like new and exciting. Something like can’t sleep but can’t stop smiling because who the fuck cares and why sleep when you can be here. Something like great. Something like OK at the very, very least and the very, very most. Something like almost something. Something like not nothing. Something like cool.

And I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I hope it’s something like that for you too.

Even if that makes me deeply, hopelessly, undeniably uncool.

#personal #prose #i need to go to bed