Kenoki

Down to Earth Bear

[kenoki]

Ai anime

[hornyyetpredictable]

[blkbeardaddy]

[kenoki]

Happy New Year!

[kenoki]

There is this thing that I don't understand with people thinking that I should bow down to them and or kiss they ass when they clearly don't deserve that from me.

I know am just like either my parents when it comes to that. I saw them take no bullshit from people when I was growing. I can coexist with haters in the same space and not feel no type of way. But best believe if you have the nerve to piss me off be prepared to get hurt or your feelings hurt or both. Get under my skin and be prepared to be dealt with accordingly.

[kenoki]

Thoughts 10-11-25

Is this is a daydream or am I living on a stage? I can't seem to tell. I guess if I just walk off the stage the show will be over. Everyday is a routine. Somes I just want to lay where I wake up and let time go by.

Howeve, I can't. I can't give up on my life. I know there are others who want me to succeed and keep going. There is so much I want to experience. So many places I want to go. But it hurts so bad.

I am giving so much of myself to please and satisfy but I am not getting any appreciation or acknowleged for even the efforts. Rejection after rejection. Tolerated to the point that I question what does this all mean.

I often think about what my life look like if I wasn't going through these loveless days where I am empty. Exhausted from all the aggravation of wanting something I deserve but cant have from the persons I suppose to get it from. I dont understand how can this be called love when I am left out of it.

I just wished I knew what is really going on around me. I feel like im being used stepped on like a stepping stone for others. I dont want to be angry and bitter because of what someone did to me and it affects someone elese that wants to give me what I need. Although, at the same time its what I want.

[kenoki]

It's hard sometimes to ignore the things you see that keep you in your feelings. But I do my best through it all. I don't let it consume me because at all cost I can not. I have to stay in control. I have matured to a point that I've gone silent emotionally and verbally. All I can think about is getting better and how I can become better? I do admit that it does hurt sometimes that I can share my thoughts and feelings with ones closest to me. I have become so gaurded that I dont want to because I don't believe they'll take me serious. So I live in a silence all my own I call it home. I think about what it would be like if I was to myself and alone. My presence no longer a nusance, I am out of the way, I am no longer the reason people feel uncomfortable in my presence. I do think about just vanishing as well. I mean after all maybe some people would be happier if I just disappear. Sometimes I can just see that without people even telling me.

[kenoki]

The saddest thing is to love someone else enough and forget to love thyself first.

Giving giving giving and get the minimum percentage. Feeling like your pushed aside and manipulated. Everyday is an emotional rollercoaster.

Looking around for a place to put my feet down coming out a tornado of confusion. Now Im dizzy. Hearts of glass beat and unsaid words speak in a love code. I already knew the code before the lock was made.

Walking around screaming on the inside 24hrs a day. Because you can't make heads or tales of are you living a lie. Everyday is a scene. Bring in my stunt double for the mental pain.

I look in the mirror there is nothing there. Toothbrush brushing teeth invisible water cleanings a face ain't there.

The saddest thing is love someone else enough you forget to love thyself first.

[kenoki]

Untitled.

Head spinning so bad I can't see the shapes playing in my face.

My shoes too big to fill I keep tripping over my own laces. Im doing everthing I can to make right but still labeled a demon.

I sung a song from my heart. The ki was heard in silence. Now sometimes I crave violence. Because transpartent effective communication became sparce.

I gave all I got and whatever I could give and still bartered reciprocity with a money order and still got none. I guess it was late and now everything becomes undone.

I've hurt so much until im dead inside. Numb. cold to the touch. Died from all the hurt I hide.

[kenoki]

Let me get off here.

Think I'll just get off here while I have whats left of this penny in my pocket that is my sanity. Cause thats what I have left at this point. There so much one can take while you on this ride call life. Im at the point that I just have had enough of people playing in my face and with my mind.

I keep being loved and then find out that Im a means to an end and my usfuleness has wornout. I was good enough when it counted the most and then replaced. And this time around its double. I believe I did the best with what I knew. I know I tried and with all good intentions. But thats when I saw that too many things happening at one time started to hurt more than I could take.

I said everything that I needed to say, I meant everything I needed to say. Yet, the words were said loudly but heard silently. I wake up everyday thinking is this the day I get off. Delete. Delete. Delete.

The peace of sanity I started to have went away and then everything started to just get darker as time went. I believe I put up with enough. It hurts when you see too much of something bad and it keeps hurting. You start to feel hollow inside. You start crying inside. Your start screaming inside. And forget you can live in peace. I think I see my stop coming up soon. I have been patient enough, and gave all I had. I couldn't get a pat on my damn head. It's time I get off. I dont think my soul can bare much of dancing in these clown shoes. Gig is only temporary until you worn out whatever usefulness you have and its "get out" after your last show.

I think I need to get off here. I can tell that my mind is being played with as well as my heart. Im starting to lose self control of letting out the hurt that I have developed. Trying to even Be the thing you need me to be for you, give benefit of doubt, transparent communication, making efforts to please and realizing your enept to their needs. Show how replaceable you are and flaunt that fact everyday, anywhere, all the time. Then you start to see the signs of ending. So let me off at Peace and Health. I wont live too long on this ride.

[kenoki]

I want more days like this. I remember when I could have a laugh and everyone would get it. I remeber when I could drink and feel the alcohol when I didnt have a fatty liver. I want more days when it was me and my partner having a good time togher and with our friends. I miss those days so much. I have low energy and I am not easily excited to meet new people. I can be an introvert and can be an extrovert with people I know. My partner easily socializes with strangers while I take my time warming up to people. When I display low energy he will entertain himself or leave me where I am. I get it. I am ok with that. I am reserved and quiet but very observant. However, I can't stand being around toxic homosexuals. They know that their attractive but at the same time they flaunt their confidence and in my eyes it makes them look and sound obnoxious until they look ugly. I miss the days that I would run into gay men and we had intellectual conversations and tell dirty jokes. Now these new age millenial homosexuals are arrogant caty and trashy. I would like to meet other gay men and just vibe on current events, living, and all kinds of things. But its so hard when its only a few of us.

[kenoki]

[kenoki]

Drunkin mind speaks with a sober tongue.

Funny how a drunkin mind speaks a sober tongue. But whats is having to sit there and listen to it being done repeated without any accountability when the alcohol wear off. I've had two ex's speaking soberly about how the feel about me and the relationship right in my face. But to have it happen now in my present one is very upsetting at this point. Thats why I keep asking the universe to give me deliverance from everything and anything hurtful to my peace and progress. But the moment I put my foot down and speak my mind im overreacting, im paranoid, or like to argue so im starting things up. But I wont be starting things up when the shit its the fan.

[kenoki]

It's been forever since I felt this way. I've wanted you so bad. I've wished that we could be together so badly I find myself dreaming about you sometimes. You have been around for so long and with everyone else. I just want my turn with you. I want forever with you even though your out of reach but at the same time your never far away. Your presence is everywhere I see. I just want my chance to have you to taste what you give the world. I know once I have you I will be able to breath and live my best life. I want you like everyone else has you. Please give me a chance to feel what you make everyone one else feel.

[kenoki]

Hru doing

Doing swell. Just chillin tonight before I go to bed. Long day work tomorrow.

[kenoki]

Don't think for second that I'll let it slide. I observe too well the shit you be on. Believe me when I say its all good. I'll stil be benevolent in silence and keep my emotions in check. I don't need to say nothing I don't have to. Your acting louder than anything I could say. I know you think that you don't have to me speak but believe me. Im unbother by you. I will never break my character to address you cause your not on my mental level. Im cool that we dont have to kiss each other ass. I mean that with humblest sincerity. The frequency Im on you could never be. I know whats up I see what it is. But trust and believe when the shit hit the fan your the one that will have to clean up.

[kenoki]

When

Im 45 and still I can't stop looking over my shoulder. I keep expecting something bad to happen when I know I should not live like that. But when does the feeling stop? The happy days I want to have are an imagination and never in my dreams. The dreams are worse because their like dejavu. Moments in my furture that are minor in meaning and vague metaphores of what I think in the back if my mind. Maybe its paranoia or my subconscience showing me of the invetable. When will there be a day that I wake up and I have financial peace or at least knowing things arent as bad as they could be in the present moment. When can I wake up someone kissing me on my neck or hugging me in my sleep with reassurance that Im not alone and everthing that is going on will be alright. When can I go to work without being emotionally triggered into frustration by a customer who wants to be karen or a ken. When can I drive my car without it making strange noises or I plug in my phone without it switching to the radio when I want listen to my favorite songs on Youtube music. When can I have a conversation with my partner without saying something that he doesnt disagrees with and it sets him off on an angry tirad with him having the last word to prove he is right. When can I dream and be happy in my dream without having to wake up trying to decipher what the hell it all means. When?