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Red Queen Fan Fiction - To Find the Way Through Part I

February 2nd – Happy Birthday, Shade Barrow!

A/N 1: It’s been ten years since Glass Sword took him from Farley, his family, me and the rest of the fandom, but we’re still not over it. So let’s imagine how he survived the attack on Corros Prison initially and how he dealt with the following events. A reason for joy, or do the shadows of canon tragedies loom too large? Expect blood, anger, angst, regret and miscommunication.

Again in dual timeline and splitted in more chapters on Wattpad and AO3 - read where and how fast you prefer.

8500 words.

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Part 1

Now

It was like the jump out of the plane let him finally breathe again.

No flying sickness, no smoke, no attack –

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Three times Shade gave himself before he turned around, back to the Blackrun – the remains of it – to save who and what he could. Was anyone left in the wreck, anyone injured, or in need of other assistance? His glance flew over the site, counting the team and, with a throbbing heart, he found everyone in sight.

Everyone but Mare.

He clenched his fists and started to make calls, ordering them around, himself looking for supplies to salvage, enemies lurking, possible escape routes.

His shouts were quickly echoed by the rest, soon overriding each other. All called for their own ways to find the solution, the next step, their fears spoken aloud.

Shade spun around the first time he heard his name but kept going his own way, even as he heard it again and again.

Barrow!

Shade!!

Shade?

Shade …

He ground his teeth, retrieving the arms box from the Blackrun, his just healed shoulder straining with the effort. He teleported out before the plane could explode on him. Already someone stepped into him, a demand on his lips. “Can you –”

Will you …

Do you know?

What in hell were they all asking him?! What did he know when he let his sister get taken, let her sacrifice herself for them? He could’ve done something, should’ve done something –

He was again exiting the Blackrun when an arm grasped him. He resisted the pull. How did they even catch – they must’ve anticipated him returning from the plane. He managed to loosen the hold but was about to snap when he saw his brother.

Bree’s brown face paled by worry shut him up. He stilled.

“Shade, should we …?”

Shade fell forward to embrace him although even comfort was an act of maintaining composure. He bit his lip and delighted in the hurt.

What was it, really? That he appeared more collected than Cal or even the Guard officer with them? That they knew him closest to Farley who provided them with the best resource connections? Or was it the evident lure of his ability that offered hope of action after this devastating defeat?

Bree’s face was hardly hopeful but expectant nonetheless. Ending the embrace, Shade grew softer as he looked around again. Some sat down, tending to themselves, supporting one another, salvaged like him. Enough just stared at him.

He straightened. “We should contact the Guard,” he announced loudly.

“Does the radio still work?” someone asked.

“I have a transmitter,” Shade stated. He would contact Diana, as he’d almost said, since he still had the transmitter she’d given him that was connected to her own device. He fingers trembled against it. Lately, he’d mostly used it for … private messages.

He swallowed. Well, he had no idea when he’d sent “private messages” again but it still served for an emergency note.

Loudly, he cleared his throat. “Hey!” he called before they started to argue and fret. Being the leader for the time being, he issued quick orders to organize, foraging, sheltering and scouting. A fierce glare held them back although he gifted Bree, and Tramy behind him, an encouraging expression to cover the helplessness.

It was enough to let him go for a moment alone, to breathe again. He dropped to the ground and sat down on his haunches, producing the transmitter. He stared at it. Rubbed his dusty face.

Would Diana even reply?

“Do you really love and know me?”

No. Of course she would. She knew they were on mission, must be ready for a case of emergency.

Grimacing at figuring out the coding, he texted the basics.

Intercepted. Attacked. Mare taken, rest stranded.

Stranded where? Crap. Would Cal know?

Shade’s pulse deafened his hearing when the reply came in.

Will inform Command. Emergency protocol likely. Don’t return here. Position/injuries?

His pulse calmed slightly while decoding the message. Cool and effective. She needed more numbers, intel. He sent what he knew, faintly hoping she’d start voice contact.

Her voice, that had spoken to him just hours before with hurt, disappointment, distance.

“You don’t have to pretend and perform for my sake.”

More replies were slow to arrive though. She’d be sharing the news and waiting for reactions as well. Waiting while who knew what torture Mare was put through. Even Shade had hardly endured that noise device that neutralized her lightning.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

He startled when he was approached in person. Shade turned his head and stared at Kilorn who looked once more like the soft, silly fish boy from the Stilts.

“Have you reached her?” he asked. Somehow, that Kilorn guessed he was texting Diana bristled Shade. He glared, merely inclining his head.

Kilorn lowered to him and grasped his shoulder. “We’ll get her back,” he said. “Mare is strong, and so are we. And all the tricks Farley –”

Shade erupted. “What do you bloody know?” About Farley and me, he added in his mind. “What military competence do you have? You certainly gave me a load of crap of advice about Farley!” As if relationship advice had anything to do with rebellion strategies. Shade jerked away from Kilorn’s touch and winced at the residual pain in his shoulder.

Consequently, Kilorn flinched in shame and hurt. Shade almost smirked. His anger found a target. Kilorn didn’t take any blame for Maven’s attack and Mare’s capture. Nothing compared to Shade who’d been too flying sick, recovering and distracted by heartache to sense the danger until it was much, much too late. He’d been glad to just survive the crash instead of trying to escape while he could and find a way to strike back. His attempts to strain against the silencers proved futile so quickly he gave it up, watching Maven’s smirk with the scream of the noise machine around him to torment himself while he reached for the knife he failed to grasp and use.

Yet Shade could blame Kilorn for what had happened before, for the fight with Diana that put him down and distracted him so, to run away from his mistakes at handling the news.

His breathing remained raspy with rage. “With luck she’s professional enough to still talk to me,” he said, “so thanks for nothing. I trusted you and you told me fucking shit and now Mare’s gone, good as dead, and Diana –”

“Shade.”

He was ready to shout him over again, but Kilorn, despaired as he looked by Shade’s derision, hadn’t spoken. For a too-long moment, Shade endured what he’d caused, meeting Kilorn’s eyes.

And the reflection of his own shame.

Finally, Shade cleared his throat and faced the new arrival.

Cal. Singed, dishevelled and beaten down, but no longer lost. Determined. “We need to act,” Cal said. He didn’t have the mind to care about Shade’s outburst against Kilorn.

Shade groaned. “I don’t suppose you’ve repaired the plane? We have to wait for further intel from the Guard.” Anxiety about Diana’s answers returned. What took so long? Would they really do nothing? What if nothing killed Mare? Diana wasn’t aware what this was like. Mare could already be about to be executed.

“I know where Mare is,” Cal announced, fiercely.

Words fled Shade. Did he really? But they could not. Or could they not waste this chance? “I can’t transport so many,” Shade said. “Not far.”

Cal nodded. “Three people, not that far.”

Shade could hardly bear the hope flaring in Cal’s eyes, or the one lit in him, or in Kilorn who he glimpsed from the corners of his eyes. “I –” The transmitter beeped.

He glanced at it, overflew the message with the decoding key fresh in his mind. It was the expected instructions. They should not act rashly, relocate from the crash site but not return to Tuck, use skills to find shelter and travel with stealth to possible safe houses until a Guard base to join was determined.

Mare’s whereabouts would be ascertained by Guard sources. Not them. They had nothing to do with Mare; Mare who wanted them to escape.

Shade’s helplessness threatened to drown him until he got struck on the last line of the message, one not cool and effective. Personal, and oddly poetic for Diana. Because it was a reply to him, to what he’d told her last.

You can cross infinities.

He exhaled. He wasn’t sure what Diana would tell him to do, since she transgressed her orders often enough. Maybe he was intentionally misreading the line.

Shade returned his gaze to Cal. “Fine,” he agreed. He would do something, crossing the infinite ramparts and traps behind which Mare was about to die.

Then

His lids were heavier than the sky. He was drawn beneath the surface of consciousness, below the presence of the ache. It loomed. He noted, even in his sleep, as the command “to heal” warred against the cusp of waking. It was a strange command, because he could’ve sworn he hadn’t heard it said – only felt, as that power flooded him, asking his flesh to regrow and close and new blood filled his veins. His left side was taken by a painful throbbing, even stronger than the initial stab that had been dulled by shock.

The awareness increased the throb. It pulled him up. He should stay asleep, resting, but it became a fight. With effort, he could let go, fall back, but on his right side, feeling returned as well. A weight and a grasp. A weak tether, yet once noticed, he held on, drew himself up bit by bit, until he struggled to open his eyes.

Light blinded him immediately. Shade blinked against it with a whiff of regret. It had been enough to see, though. The weight on his good side. Diana had sunk asleep beside him, their hands interlaced and her head on his arm.

He sucked in a breath. Releasing it only when she stayed as she was. Staying at rest offered him the chance to watch her, so unlike herself. Even her sleep was timed to be effective, winning the most comfort in beds when safe, still alert if not or napping during travels with nothing else to do. Always in control. Now, she must’ve checked on him and fell asleep waiting without a care? Not running immediately to the next task but letting exhaustion overwhelm her? He itched to brush her hair, if he dared to move.

How come she stayed? Astonished, he recognized where he was: the infirmary of Tuck island, where he’d ended up months before, too. New worries came to mind, given how they’d left Tuck the last time. Were they welcome here, what about the newcomers they brought, including the silver prisoners? Were all of them even here, what about their main team and those at the Notch?

He had to know more. With Diana on his right, only his left side was free to move. If he could move. Bare-chested, he saw thick bandages over bruises on his chest and shoulder. No blood, and only that dull residue of pain. His brown skin looked too rosy for grave blood loss. A silver healer must’ve had their hands on him. He remembered nothing of that. He’d jumped to catch Mare when he was hit in the shoulder. He then fell on Mare as his blood dripped on her like a waterfall. He winced. It was more than a stab, his shoulder had been mauled, almost torn off, and nausea rose at the memory of his arm hanging off him. In reaction, he’d jumped with Mare right away to the Blackrun where hands grasped him. What else? Voices, noises what he could not tell. He’d been senseless to anything but pain. Then he was here.

He glanced down at his arm. Uncovered, it had to be uninjured. He needed to test his fingers and they twitched obediently although his whole left side tingled with the motion. He groaned, loud, and that stirred Diana whose head shot up.

Her lips moved, trembled, but all she did was stare at him, bewildered, wide-eyed. Her hand clasped him tighter. The least he could do was meet her eyes. “Hey,” he said.

She dropped to his right shoulder. “You almost died,” she murmured.

“Ah.” What could he reply to that? He could guess, given the place and severeness of the wound. Almost losing his arm was bad enough but it was so damn close to his heart. His left fist tightened, causing another tingle, though less startling. “You still haven’t gotten me killed,” he said.

She bristled. “As if I am trying to!”

No. If anything, the fault – risky behaviour – was on him. With force, he pulled his left hand over, to his belly, until his fingertips touched Dee’s arm. “You saved me.”

She shuddered, at his words or at the touch. She buried her face against his neck and he almost expected her to sob. She inhaled, and lifted her head. “Sara did. You can see how lucky we were. She was there and ready to heal you. Could attend to no one else in result. I helped as long as we were on the plane.” She bit her lip. Her fingers ever so slightly brushed over his cheek, as if amazed he was there at all. “A nurse I know took you in here, assisting Sara.” She blinked. “I wanted to assess how things were here then but Mare was the one who strode in like a queen – with the queen, actually. Her body.”

He didn’t understand at first. Then he remembered Elara had been at Corros Prison although they’d intended to get away before getting her. “She …”

“When you were stabbed,” Dee explained, “Mare turned back and rained death on Elara.”

But he’d wanted to bring Mare to safety, why would she … no matter. She’d thought him almost dead. He didn’t know what he’d do if Mare or Diana died. He still remembered the desperation that drove him to save his brother at the Choke, so intense he’d jumped for the first time.

“Mare just dropped this victory on the colonel and made demands, for new operations, too. I followed to check but … I simply didn’t have to. The bloody colonel deferred to her and then, well, I’m not sure. A foreign envoy wanted to talk to Mare. Who knows what’ll come of it.”

She sounded dubious yet Shade saw her eagerness to learn more, form her own opinion in case they tricked Mare. He had no such qualms. He would not bother with foreigners for now, and right now, he also trusted Mare with anything. His sister whom he knew as a girl who thought herself as good for nothing but stealing and scrapping by. She was no less smart than anyone but never picked up books like he did, like it had no point. Now it was her, outshining experienced Captain Farley, who took charge and run things.

It was scary. Mare was scary. But having escaped death, scariness had little impact. He was proud, and could relish in Diana by his side.

Her fingers combed through his left hand. “Are you alright?” she asked. Strange to see her like this. Diana Farley was afraid of nothing. Except for him.

Slowly, testing himself again, he shrugged. He grimaced, though with no pain, only noting the soreness. “I live.” Diana frowned, not content yet did anyone ever give a thoroughly detailed report of feelings after injury?

A door opened, and a nurse entered. “Farley,” she called, although her tone’s soft concern was belied by her severe expression. She was tall with brown skin and dark hair in a mid-high bun. Her groomed eyebrows made a good job of emphasizing her features.

Diana straightened, albeit reluctantly, to shift away from him. Even her voice changed to professional and cool. “You get along with Sara?” she asked. “Caroline?” She had to be adding the name for his sake.

Caroline glanced at him, nodding at his awake state although still somewhat sour. “Bold and daring to the last,” Caroline said, unimpressed by Diana’s switch to imperative. “First this prince, now all those silvers. You keep bringing us trouble.”

“Are they making trouble?” Diana countered, eyebrows raised. “And the colonel made things difficult, by locking Calore and Barrow up on no grounds.”

Caroline sighed but a corner of her mouth twitched. “Oddly, not so far. Not sure if it’s a good idea, but Sara started to patch them up, dragging me along for your information. It keeps them occupied for now. And yes, I do get along with Sara.” She crossed her arms. “Remarkable woman. You saw it yourself. Shows up and leaves all our medical efforts pointless with a touch, yet even without words, she manages to make me feel useful. Don’t look so smug,” she chided Diana, “one nice silver with harmless healing powers hardly applies goodness to the rest of them.”

“Healing abilities can be used for harm, too,” Diana objected, to which Caroline raised a pretty eyebrow as if that only proved her point.

Then the nurse stepped forward, bending toward Shade with another stare. “You are alright?” she inquired.

“I don’t feel like dying,” he replied.

Caroline remained staring, likely curious about someone saved from death by silver ability. Although she looked really long, and didn’t ask more, until she turned back to Diana, producing envelopes. “Sara wrote down information for you,” she told them. “Since you – Shade – are conscious, I can give it you directly.” She laid the paper in his lap and gave another to Diana who hesitated at first, then reached out only quicker.

“Thank you,” Diana mumbled, oddly quieted. “And Sara too.”

Caroline squeezed her shoulder. “You’re still welcome here,” Caroline said. “The colonel didn’t go unscathed through your whole disappearance.” She smirked. “Captain.”

“So I’ve heard,” Diana replied, grinning back. It was genuine and Shade was glad and surprised her rank was restored.

Caroline lingered. “Sara will be ready if you have questions,” she said finally.

Diana inclined her head yet as the nurse left, the amusement about the reinstation fell off her. Watching her, Shade opened his envelope and read the note when she said nothing. The letter contained ticked off checks and procedures he wasn’t too keen to know, and it ended with “movement is encouraged for adjustment of regrown tissue.”

Well then, there was the okay to get up, he supposed. Carefully, he shifted into upright position. Indeed, it was no more challenging than any rising when tired. The shock and memory, stressed by remaining soreness and bruises, was stronger than actual pain. Even rolling his shoulder worked acceptably. He turned to Diana and was aghast to find her paled but wet-eyed.

“Dee?”

She shoved her paper to him and despite her reluctance, he read it immediately.

11 weeks, due date May 13, 321

Approach me in case of further needs or questions.

I can end it right here if you require.

He could feel himself blanching, too. Although she’d stalled back at the Notch, Dee had asked for an examination for pregnancy the first chance she got.

Fuck. He only thought the curse and was relieved for it. He sought her hand, still close, and clasped it. “Now we have confirmation,” he said quietly. Nodding, she remained frozen. He related to that. What could he even say. He had no clue, no plan, no … He was simply blank. She had given him the paper so smoothly, like she had no qualms, wanted him to know. He swallowed. But he knew nothing.

“I didn’t think it was that far along,” she said eventually. “But it makes sense. Must’ve happened that time … the first time.” She flushed, which was an improvement to her pallor.

“Well, sure.” He squeezed her hand. His face felt hot. “We didn’t use anything then.” He glimpsed at the due date – her own birthday, on top of everything. Mere days ago, he’d promised her passionate sex as a present. How plans shatter and change.

Suddenly, she spun, frowning at him. “Why would Sara just offer something like that?” She pointed at the paper.

“What?” Then he realized – the offer to end it. He glanced down, clearing his throat. “I can only guess,” he said in a low voice. “In Corvium, I’ve befriended a silver.” No matter how unfulfilled and impossible Shade’s crush had been, it had been friendship between him and Roman Eagrie. “He told me things about … well.” He hesitated and gathered his thoughts.

“Silvers – nobles – don’t marry for love,” he explained. “They have all kinds of affairs. Some spouses actually hate one another yet are supposed to have children with each other. I imagine, for some silver women, it’s most important to control when to have children or not. Sara must be used to help them.” It probably was a tad indelicate to be so direct but what should Sara do? Having to be brief in writing, she couldn’t slowly ease the topic into a conversation but put all options on the table.

Diana had listened attentively. As she remained silent, he asked, “does that appall you?”

She met his eyes without restraint. “No,” she said coolly. “I understand perfectly. Too perfect, in fact.” Shade breathed out. “I’m a captain of the Scarlet Guard,” she said, “and people come to me for help with unwanted pregnancies.” She let go of him and rose. “Do you have an idea how difficult it is to find them help?” She tilted her head. “Medics, medicine, equipment, often far away from wherever we are and expensive on top. And Sara writes it down like it’s nothing when I didn’t even ask. Just another form of injustice.”

She was angry, and it wasn’t merely about the unfair access to reproductive healthcare. When she stepped forward, he reached for her, holding her back by her jacket because he was afraid she’d simply go.

“Diana,” he insisted softly. She spun and inched back to him, settling on the edge of the bed. She laid her palms on his chest, slightly hesitating on his left side. “It’s okay,” he said. “I should move it again.” She nodded and he couldn’t help breathing in sharply. Would they not talk about it? She merely stared, leaning closer. Her hands travelled over his shoulders to his face, framing him.

“Are you with me?” she murmured so quietly it was like she only mouthed it. Maybe she did. Didn’t dare to demand this. The first time she’d asked this question was engraved in his mind; he recognized the shape of the words. He was not aware what his mouth did, though. Although she’d told him days ago of her suspicion, still he had no answer.

Instead he hugged her, pulled her close so tightly it strained his healed shoulder. Good for it to challenge it for this. “Are you okay, Diana?” he mumbled.

“Hmm,” was her sole reply, not moving from his embrace and for once, he was content with silence as long as she stayed like this. He brushed through her hair, again pleased by the tickling it sent through his left side.

“You won’t take up Sara’s offer,” he said.

Then tensed her to pull back. Although her face was aghast, determination shone in her eyes. She stumbled over unformed words until she simply nodded. “I …” she looked away.

He kept brushing her hair. “I could tell, Diana,” he said in a toneless voice. In fact, he was disappointed by her wordlessness, that he had to drag this out of her. But did he not also understand how hard this was for her? It was already hard for him.

He cleared his throat. “I’d like to get up.”

Dee slid aside, ready to help him up as if relieved to have something to do. She grasped his arm as he stood, first uncertain, but sure after a few moments. “Maybe I leave the bandage for a day,” he muttered, “but a shirt and shoes would be great.” She was fast to procure them and he squeezed her hand as she handed them over.

“Shade,” she began, searching eye contact once he was dressed. “I didn’t plan for this.” He returned her gaze and she grew firmer. “But I will make a plan now.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “You always do.”

Her face softened so he couldn’t tell if she would cry or smile. When he left the edge of the bed, back on his feet to follow her, it became the latter. A light. He stepped toward her and held onto her arms – for her support or his own?

“I do,” she agreed, her forehead lowering against his. But her eyes lifted and he saw that light once more. “I’ll get started,” she said and leaned away. “Are you okay?” Her gestures asked if he could be left alone. He was about to nod but didn’t let go, kept her back. “I’ll come with you.”

“Can you walk?”

He raised an eyebrow. Was he not supposed to try?

When he walked out of the infirmary with her, he pretended he clasped her arm for affection. She was focused on him, attentive to his state.

Only slowly did their thoughts reverse. “I’ll have to inform Command first,” she said and looked pale, almost green like nauseous, and he held tighter. “And the colo –”

She lifted her hand to her mouth as if she would really throw up. Instead her knees buckled and Shade grabbed her, pulled her close to sink against the wall of the corridor.

He flinched as the effort made pain flare in his shoulder, as on Diana’s face. She sat down, head buried in her arms crossed over her knees. Shade rubbed her upper arm as she panted herself calmer.

“Don’t fret,” he said. “You don’t have to figure it all out right now.” He’d never seen her like this, shocked that the thought of telling her father left her panicking. He wished he knew how to embrace her to comfort her anxiety away. Or was this a moment she preferred not to be touched, now that she already shared her body with another?

He sighed. That was the problem – what did she want, when so many different things pulled at her. On them both.

How could she fear Command’s and the colonel’s disappointment so much? The colonel for sure, but Command as well could go fuck themselves in his opinion – they had no business whether or not Diana had a child. In fact … he gulped. He wasn’t sure he had business with it. If she didn’t know, maybe his thoughts could sway her, give her certainty. But she had certainty, clawed away by circumstances, so he’d support her in it. The baby made her so happy it scared her, drove her to tears, because she’d pushed back her wishes. Well. He would not let anyone take those from her.

His fingers grazed her cheek, like a trial. “The Guard wants to protect reds,” he said softly. “If they won’t consider to protect a baby too, does Command live up to its cause?”

She leaned into his touch, even as she chewed on that. They’d signed up to fight, after all. He’d rather run away than having Diana suffer under them. How much he doubted, he admired her determination. She didn’t want to leave the Scarlet Guard. She didn’t want to give up their baby. “You want this,” he said. “You want this for yourself. It’s okay to want things for yourself.”

He was hit with the realization that their whole relationship until now wasn’t fully their own. It was all stolen moments, secret kisses, pleasure as comfort and energizer between battles. When they met, Diana had to as good as beg her superiors to oath him, and then they’d spent weeks apart, with only an appropriated transmitter to communicate. Who knew where he would’ve been sent if he hadn’t run away with her and Mare? They had put the cause first and accepted it.

This would not do anymore.

“It’s our business, not theirs,” he said.

She lifted her head, a little eased. “It’s ours,” she repeated.

He nodded, squeezing her arm. “It’s its own,” he added. “It deserves better.”

“Of course,” she murmured, then lifted her face and wiped it. “It survived so much already. Withstood what we went through.” She looked at him, her lips still trembling, and in that moment, he knew she needed to be touched. Why did he doubt it? He’d risk her loud rejection should that ever not be the case. He hugged her as much as possible sitting side by side while inside, his thoughts whirled. He told her she could want things for herself and what did she pick? A baby, as if that didn’t demand from her as well. And yet, her raising her head, looking forward again, showed a new resolve that felt like a revolution.

“I just should text Command,” she said, but appeared anxious still.

“Or we could run away,” he said.

Her head spun to him, stunned, but she remained quiet as if considering. Her eyes lowered. “Would you do that …?” she wondered. Before he could reply, she grew firm. “Where could we run too? The Guard, fighting, seems harsh, but it’s a bubble. Outside, we live at the mercy of silvers, and do you know how well they’ll accept strange newcomers on their grounds? We’re wanted criminals. Best to hide with the Guard.” She really must’ve recovered, speaking like designing a plan again. But her palm was on her belly. “The bases and safehouses exist because we stole them, made them into our own. We only got so far by fighting.”

He swallowed. Talking of running away sounded like an escape, inventing an option just to have another. “You mean we can only put up with the demands and what they grant us to stay safe?”

She extended her hand. It shook. “I’ll stay if you do.”

He took it without hesitation. “I’ve sworn I’m with you, Diana.”

When she flushed at that, remembering him saying that before, he couldn’t help smiling. But her other hand was still on her belly. He lowered his voice. “You’re sure you’re ready for … it all? Pregnancy and birth, I mean.”

She paused, her throat bobbing. “I went through hell,” she said finally. “I’ve seen all that blood and death and cruelty and lived. Fought.” She sought his eyes. “I can brave this, too.” Yet her eyes revealed she didn’t know what expected them either – although that applied to everything they did.

“Imagine,” she continued, “a mission that isn’t about killing.”

But painful and bloody, too. He clasped her arm. “Unless it kills you.” Or the baby didn’t live.

She frowned. “Don’t be afraid of the worst. I don’t die so easily.”

He frowned back. “I worry about you,” he confessed.

Flushing, she looked weirdly touched. “It’s nice of you to worry about me.” She forced a smile on her face as she kept rubbing her belly.

As if no one else ever worried about her well-being. She looked already so protective of their baby, so he’d be protective of them both. “I will,” he stated, and put his hand on her knee.

Her head fell down again, but this time, it was like giving herself a rest. She kissed his hand. “… family,” she muttered.

The barely audible words raced over his back, just like they must have to in her mind as her break lasted.

Family, that was what this baby was to her. Of course. And where was he in this? He’d just promised her. He could not allow himself to stumble, to tremble. Only he did when she grasped him, looking up with purpose. “What about your family?” she asked. He blinked. “Don’t you want to see them?”

He opened his mouth without an answer. It seemed too big a decision, too fast a change in topic. Was it, though? Did she mean to tell them …?

She had read the thought on his face. She patted his arm. “They’ll want to see you,” she said. “They’ll have heard you were injured.”

He jumped up, swallowing the dizziness while Diana joined him. “It’s been a long time. We left so suddenly.” Her touch was a reassuring agreement. Going to his parents was a plan and now it was there, he strode ahead, lighter.

Diana seemed to have recovered fully from her break down, looking all serious and casual, as if she accompanied him out of mere polite concern, as if hiding their connection and distress again. Really? Although he did not intend to tell his family now, either.

He swung his hand so their knuckles met, and she glanced at him before facing ahead again. He repeated the motion, and then she knocked her hand against his and the next time, he interlaced their fingers. When he glimpsed at her, her face remained firm, not even a hint of amusement showing. And yet she squeezed back.

“Do you remember the way?” she asked.

“Ah –”

She cocked her head. “Or would you rather jump to them?”

He considered if it was possible, given his exhausting recovery, yet he did not feel that dreadful anymore. “You doubt I could?” Her lips parted and he continued, with jest. “Is it a challenge? I’ll manage.”

Her mouth twitched, pondering – and then she pulled away. “Not with me,” she called and forged ahead. He was speechless as she turned her head to him with a smirk. “Can you follow?” she dared him and took off around the corner.

She literally asked him to chase her. He couldn’t believe it – or rather, he was stunned by her elation. Glad for it. He had succeeded to cheer her up.

He noted he could trace her with his ability, jump to her if he wished, but he gave her a head start before he tried teleporting, racing after her by sensing her alone. Even in this reduced way, the ecstasy of using his ability surged. Encouraging himself, he watched his breathing stay even, noted when she slowed, and jumped to her with the next exhale.

She actually squealed when he caught her and he didn’t even touch her yet. Indeed, when he clasped her arms, she stilled to silence, and remained so as his hands travelled to her hips, fingertips gliding over her sides up her waist. He panted against her neck, and finally, her own breath grew louder. He needed to feel it, lay a palm between her ribs as her chest moved.

He did not. He was too shy to put a hand on her belly.

“You don’t know we’re there, do you?” she said.

He snorted. “I can guess.”

Diana stepped away as if nothing was off about his avoidant touch. “Ready?”

He went for the door and with its opening, their demeanour reversed. Diana sobering and Shade putting on a smile for his family. The pretense turned real when his mom hugged him, standing on her toes, and more so as his dad shook his hand tightly.

“At least you’re here,” Dad said. “Mare barely showed. Although,” he creased his brow, “now you’re here, then you’re gone, all out of nothing?”

Shade winced. “I fear that is my nature,” he replied.

Tramy cackled. He and Bree were content to pat his shoulders as each found their seats. With hesitation, Diana took the chair beside him. Gisa watched from a corner and Kilorn slouched by the door. Food was ready on the table and Shade claimed a plate of cake, hungry and panting after the chase. He hadn’t eaten since … before the mission that had wounded him.

“And what is Mare’s nature?” his dad asked.

Shade coughed on his bite. “Dad, I’ve wondered …”

“Are you going to leave again?” Mom interjected. “Mare already announced a new mission.” She wasn’t happy about it.

“Something about saving child soldiers,” Bree explained. “Going to the Choke. She asked if we would join.” He titled his head. “Are you ready for that?”

Did Bree ask about his injury – or whether he was scared of the frontline the three brothers escaped from? In fact, Shade had had no idea about the new operation and glanced at Diana who hadn’t informed him about the details. Though why would she? Apart from their own news occupying their minds, neither he nor she knew how fast and full his recovery really was.

He could connect the dots though. Cameron must’ve convinced Mare after all. He understood and clenched his fist. He’d helped Mare dragging Cameron with them despite Cameron’s complaints. It put him in a fickle. He doubted it would’ve won Cameron much to be left alone in the middle of nowhere but was that justified if she was openly against it?

“Be honest, Shade,” his dad urged. “About your injury.”

Shade watched his father. He knew about injuries but how did he feel about Shade getting silver healing out of his reach?

Embarrassed, he looked down. Dee said Mare had been panicked about him but she must’ve calmed with Sara saving him. That was why she walked around instructing the Scarlet Guard instead of checking on him. “It won’t be a problem,” he said. Supposedly. He wasn’t incapacitated. Was that the same as ready for war? He wasn’t convinced himself the injury did not last in some way, and he was hardly energized. He ate some more. The chase had been fun but while he had only got up from bed, he was tired again.

Or that was on the emotional challenge.

He rubbed his leg with one hand, the other seeking Diana’s under the table. Her face was perfectly neutral, only nodding along to the conversation and eating some snack, but now she squeezed back. I’ll go where you go, he thought but quickly banished it. Could that still apply? Would she join the mission? Her expression told him nothing. He turned to his parents. “Mare will need me,” he said.

“Sure,” his mom agreed, albeit sourly. She worried for them all, so was it better if some stayed back or they took care of each other?

“We’ll smooth out the plans first,” Diana offered, all professional. Then cleared her throat. “I hope your stay during our absence was endurable? The colonel … can be difficult.”

Shade was astonished. He knew Diana as loud, imperative and brusque, either emotionally detached or daringly open just to him. He had rarely seen the side of her that chatted with civilian allies, and even that was different from this careful, almost shy approach.

Incredibly, it worked on his family. They narrated their own adventures on Tuck, adjusting and making themselves useful. Mom, who had so many friends in the Stilts she had to miss, was surprisingly content here. Likely finding new friends. She shrugged. “I know to make do.”

Diana inclined her head. She was cool but sharing their amusement and feeling welcome among his family. When Tramy asked what they’d done the last two months, she replied, “classified information” with a smirk.

“You don’t have to hold back,” Diana said now. “Relying on the Guard does not mean you have to put up with everything.” Also new to him – Diana did not apply that when it came to herself. Although she seemed to let it count for civilians. “If you have complaints about the colonel,” she said, “I’ll keep on eye on him, as I’ll remain on Tuck for now.”

Would she? It answered his previous question about her joining or not but who know what Command would decide about her. How did they handle pregnant operatives, babies and parents in the Guard anyway? She could be reassigned anywhere, away from him. He didn’t know her as obedient but she might trade obedience for favours regarding him and their baby.

Nonetheless, she’d be a thorn in the colonel’s side, if the pregnancy wasn’t the biggest thorn of all.

“Do you?” His mom sounded eager. “I’d like to get to know you.”

Shade gasped and this was the moment Dee chose to rise with a twitch of her mouth. “Then I hope to have time for it,” she said, and found his eyes. They both refrained from touching despite their apparent wish to. “I have further business to settle. Save us rooms, and … well.”

“I’ll find you,” Shade replied, recognizing her meaning and wanting to reassure her if not clasping hands. He cursed inwardly as he understood what he’d done. He as good as told his family he’d spent the night Diana’s bed and not with them. His face grew dangerously hot and he wondered if they could read their secret on their faces. But Dee was smooth as ever as she left and he didn’t stay much longer.

“I wish you a good night,” Tramy said with a dirty grin as Shade told them he’d rest.

“I hope so,” Shade answered instead of fuck you and guessed that Tramy heard it anyway.

He went outside to cool himself, letting the November sea winds of Tuck lash at him.

“We should’ve waited for Mare,” Kilorn said.

Shade startled, having missed Kilorn following him.

“We could’ve asked her about the operation herself,” Kilorn added. “And how she is.” He was bloody right. Shade might’ve buried the memory of the injury but Mare had witnessed it all and hadn’t him since.

Shade cursed.

It was enough agreement for Kilorn. “We will see her,” he said and walked around to face Shade. “Can’t be more awkward than this, can it?”

Shade didn’t understand. Things with Mare weren’t … easy either.

Kilorn frowned. “Like you bring Farley over here like your betrothed and yet you explain nothing about your relationship.”

Now Shade’s blood seemed to leave his head. “Be…trothed?” Of all words. What did Kilorn guess? Or … did he think they should be betrothed?

“Sorry.” Kilorn scoffed. “Of course she can’t be serious with you, can she?” He grasped Shade’s sleeve. “Does it hurt you, how she keeps you at bay?”

He could’ve laughed if the shock of Kilorn’s accusation didn’t shut him up. Kilorn had really noticed nothing of their romantic play on the way here. How they almost made out outside the door. “Maybe it’s too serious for me,” he muttered.

Kilorn raised his eyebrows. His face was as mobile as ever. “Oh sure, it’s all meaningless between you two. Guess I was wrong.” Clearly, he thought he was not wrong.

Shade fell against a wall with a sigh and covered his face. “I just had this talk with her and it’s fucking serious.”

“Well, good for you. I won’t be her good little soldier if she broke your heart.”

“She’s pregnant.” Neither Shade nor Kilorn knew how Kilorn had pulled the confession out of him as they stared at each other.

“She told you that?” Kilorn inquired.

Shade blurted. “For the obvious reason?”

Kilorn blushed. Shade had no idea how his mind twisted in the next seconds. “But … how long … how?”

“Really?” Shade cackled.

Kilorn shook himself. “I didn’t know you went that far … far back.” He still looked disbelieving at which Shade glared back.

“Clearly you have no idea about us to judge.”

“I suppose …” Kilorn didn’t continue. Merely patted Shade’s chest. Several times, gathering himself. “And you? What will you do?”

The concerned question caught him off guard. Raw. Diana had not asked him that, had … preferred to deduce his behaviour. As if that was the same as asking about his feelings. And yet, he’d followed suit with her. He gulped. “She wants it, Kilorn. She’s … happy about it.”

He remembered her joy when they’d played chase. He could delude himself by pretending it was all about by her reinstation as captain, their victory, his survival. Yet it was caused by their baby, by having him at her back. Maybe, to enter this path, she needed to find happiness in it.

Kilorn studied him for a long time. “Are you not? You … you do love her, and I didn’t notice you hate children.”

Shade breathed out. “I don’t hate children.” As if it wasn’t about more than liking children or not. “If she had a child already when I met her –”

“What?”

“It wouldn’t have bothered me.”

“And it wouldn’t bother you if she was pregnant now with another person’s child?” Kilorn challenged.

“She isn’t,” Shade insisted for certainty.

“But you would prefer that,” Kilorn went on, “so you’d do her a favour by helping her instead of meeting your responsibility?”

It was a stab that hurt deeper than his real wound. “Fuck you,” Shade spat and jumped away.

He hardly knew where to, was not aware how far he was ready to go. It was like he followed the wind, letting it carry him farther, to the edge of the compound where he appeared on the cliffs above the sea. Away from anyone else.

He knew Kilorn too long, so Kilorn was the one sensing and revealing only through a few seconds of talking what Shade hid from himself, what he could not disturb Diana with. She had enough to deal with. She was pregnant, and who would it help to tell her, “I’d make a great stepfather”?

He groaned against the wind and the roar of the sea. First Kilorn had been protective of Shade, then he turned against him. And yet, there was freedom in Kilorn admitting what Shade wondered, ashamed, deep down. It was a dirty, impossible desire when he should dream about the beauty his child would bring. But that he could hardly, just barely, imagine if he glimpsed into the far and dim distance. Closer was the joy Diana felt, the little changes at the mere news. He yearned to know these other sides of her, support and protect them, so her uncertainties and competing duties could not drag her down. He’d defend them against naysayers.

Shivering, he crouched on the rocks but still enjoyed the wind tousling his wind by the time Kilorn found him. Shade glanced him before turning back to the sea. “Do you expect a prize for finding me?” Shade said. He was stunned and glad Kilorn did, though. Diana wouldn’t have come. Why would she? She’d just assume he stayed longer with his family. He’d promised to come to her and she trusted him.

Kilorn shrugged and dropped down next to him. He ground his teeth against the wind but was adjusting himself. Kilorn was used to cold by the water. “I doubt you have much left to give me,” he said. “Since, you know, you’ll have to spend all on –”

“I get it,” Shade snapped.

Kilorn sighed. “No, no, I had my moment, I’ll stop honing it in. But,” he continued without the playfulness, “you understand, don’t you?”

Shade moaned onto his knees. “I have … I needed a break, Kilorn. I had to comfort her, build her up from the moment we knew. I can’t …”

“What?”

Shade remained silent but he gave Kilorn a glare to reconsider. He would not appreciate another lecture.

Kilorn nodded slowly, softening his features with a new resolve. “So I can leave you in peace, yes?” A grin began to show. “Since you’re so aware of the consequences of your actions? It is your responsibility, or did you not sleep with her, unprotected?”

Shade was relieved to play along and flipped his hair dramatically. “We come together more times than one can count.” He would not be ashamed.

“Ouch!” Kilorn exclaimed and clapped a hand on his chest. “Does it bring you comfort to brag? Or is that the best, the … climax of being with Farley?” He laughed at his stupid pun, but Shade laughed along. Kilorn had perfect precision at mocking Shade, at pulling the truth out of him.

“It was never just that,” Shade said with gravity. “She means the world to me, although it’s still fresh. She’s fearless. I believe I can do anything when I am with her, and she believes that I can, too, even after –,” he faltered, remembering when he did stumble and she saved his ass, and how long it took before she’d shown feelings to him. He cleared his throat. “If I like to sleep with her –”

“Okay, I get it,” Kilorn said.

“– it’s because sometimes I’m surprised she really wants me, chose me of all people.”

Kilorn patted his back. “You’re not a sore on the eyes, either.” He turned serious. “Shade, I’m sorry. You aren’t ruled by the dark thoughts. Don’t let them win. If she makes you that confident, go in for it.”

Shade inclined his head. Wasn’t he trying that? But Kilorn went on. “You shouldn’t be afraid to tell her.”

“What?” Shade was curious.

Kilorn smiled. “Not … what I said. That you’re … overwhelmed, or something.”

“I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use. Am I not meant to hold her up?”

“Shade,” Kilorn insisted, almost rolling his eyes. “Do you not trust her?”

Shade trusted her with his life, obviously. But this was his heart, and more than that. He could barely grasp it. This was about their child. His child. He didn’t want to hurt them, but didn’t know how to live up to them. The idea of them, he was uncertain how to describe it.

“Just tell her, okay,” Kilorn said with such assurance Shade took a part of it to heart.

He rose, facing the wind. “I won’t run away from her,” he said, and jumped with a wave to Kilorn.

As usual, he could trace Diana to land where she was. Too exactly, in fact, arriving in the very room where she stilled as she sat at a desk. It was a small, private bedroom. Plates with food were next to her, half of it eaten.

She stood up and grasped his face. “You’re cold,” she noted.

“Not for long,” he answered.

She smiled at his innuendo. “Before I can warm you up, I need to give you an update,” she said and he did not refuse. He listened to her.

A/N 2: I know, I know, it might feel a little weird to read about the anxiety of learning about the pregnancy when I've already posted stories about Shade embracing loving Clara (in Flowers of Piedmont) - but neither fic is finished yet and it's his birthday and 10 FUCKING YEARS since he died on me and it feels fitting to revive him where he died, right here right now. I notice the erring and miscommunication is strong in this one (and worse next time u.u) but I call it room for growth. It's been just one day for them! Have a little patience, I have already much material for the next parts in drafts!

@elliemarchetti @nortaeventcouncil @mareshmallow @maudthebookeater @lilyharvord @lucy-the-cat @justagirlwholovesstories @averyboterham @eliimaii @unknown198913 @lilo-jacos

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