Balance is Key @keyholder23-blog - Tumblr Blog

You with your green eyes...so green...eyes I could look into forever.

My mind could be in a million different places...then I look at you and I remember to breathe. I remember you're there. I remember you've never really left. It may have felt like it some times, but you've always been there.

All you want is for me to be happy. I want that too. I want it for me, for you, for us. I want us to grow, I want us to flourish, I want....I want it all. For us.

I spent so long healing from all we went through that I didn't ever think that day would come. The day where you said "I want us." I had that convo so many times in my head that I got to a point where I was okay with telling you no. I was going to tell you no. Then it happened, and my heart that I had spent so long rebuilding and reinforcing, and you walk in like a damn wrecking ball. I have never been good at keeping you out. I have always held space for you. My heart remembered what it feels like to have someone know all of you. Someone who knows you inside and out...and still love you.

I went numb for a long time, and then I thought I was coming back to me. Coming back to someone who didn't love you.....MAN was I wrong. It's always been you, you're this tall, dark, and handsome green eyed enigma that I cannot get out of my system....you've made yourself right at home in my cold, dark heart. You've made a space for yourself that is so deeply ingrained in me that I couldn't remove you even if I truly actually wanted to.

Please don't make me regret this. Please do right by us.

8 Years

8 years, 8 years of back and forth

8 years of "what are we doing?" 8 years of "why does he do ___ and ___ only to just leave me in the dark.

8 years of knowing you, 6 years of loving you, 1 year of not being involved with you.

I met him, and you came out of the woodwork claiming love and claiming "this time will be different" How do I know? How can I be sure I made the right decision? I let him go a day ago, and I am wanting this to work. I want this to be our time, i want so much with you, and I am not sure if I can handle this not working. You said everything and more of what I wanted. You had all the answers. You had all of these wonderful words that I want to believe. i want to be the one. I want this to work.

I told him that I wanted him and I to work. I lied. I wanted to soften the blow in those blue/green eyes. I let a good man go. I let someone who was more than willing to take care of me go. I realized he did it too well. I was becoming dependent on his food, on his care, on his arms. In reality, I wanted them to be you. I wanted you to be the one doing all of this. I also realized after he left, I wasn't sure what state my mind was in. I felt I was living in a fog. You came to me with all of these proclamations that I hope stick.

I took a look around and realized I missed having a safe spot that was just mine. I wanted my space back. I realized I needed someone to help me over the hill of finishing school. Not to downplay what I thought I felt for him, but its nothing compared to you. I am not even sure if I felt anything for him. I enjoyed being taken care of. At that point, I didn't really want romance, I needed someone to handle the mundane things of life so I could finish school. I didn't want to go backwards, I didn't want to replay this cycle you and I have. I want it to be different.

I am not sure if I have ever felt this deeply about a person. i am not sure if I will ever feel this deeply about anyone else. You are all of the songs, you are my space. You are who I hold space for. You have such a power over me, that I am not sure when i gave you so much of. Some may say that is too dependent some may say that isn't healthy. I should be your first choice. I should be the only choice. How do I let someone go that I feel is forever intertwined into my soul....do I even want to? Would I rather risk it all and end up alone or risk it all and end up with you? I hope it is you. i hope this is our time. I hope that this is everything we ever dreamed of. Problem is, I have been dreaming about this for 6 years...while you have been looking everywhere but me. You say it is an epiphany, you say I am who you want. You say you are ready for it all...but I can't help but question the timing. I can't help but question the why.

Please tell me this is the last time. You have said it before but I beg of you do NOT make me regret this.

Too Long

"Because you both cared for each other so much and you were trauma bonded so you wanted to make it work."

Sometimes my best friend knows me too well. 3 years and all I have to show for it is a yelling response to a dumb post about something I love. I wanted to make something work, that had no business working. He and I were not the same, we had nothing in common but the fact that we were both scared of him leaving. Then he left and I was a wreck. I forgot that I have to live for me and not anyone else. I forgot that my emotions and my wants and needs matter too. I let that family push me around for longer than I should've. I let them get away with too much. When I started to push back I forced him to split himself between me and them. It became me vs. them when I just wanted an "us."

For why? Why would I want to be with someone I have to mother? Trauma bond. Why did I do everything to help him? I was afraid of him leaving, trauma bond. Why did I let myself go on for as long as I did? Because I didn't want to start over. Trauma....

Yelling at each other every day for what seemed like ages.....late nights waiting for a phone call or a text that never came. Wondering if he was galavanting around with her while I was none the wiser....why did it all matter? It didn't, it was just a lesson. We were just a lesson, a lesson I needed to learn. I wish I hadn't let it go on for 3 years but here we are. I thought I closed this chapter but maybe I am just now ready to deal with this entire thing.

My favorite......

#Youtube

"Maybe I can have one more meal, one more time with you, and one more laugh. I'll be full and we can say goodbye. There are no more one mores. We were together when it was all new and exciting and the possibilities seemed endless. The possibilities are still endless for you, for me, but not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are big enough you can fix it. But sometimes things don't break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And when the pieces of what we were catch the sunlight, I'll remember just how beautiful it was, how beautiful it all was. Because you and me? We were magic....."

- Gina Rodriguez

#SomeoneGreat #bestmovie #LoveQuotes

Simple Respect

You would think the way that I loved him I would get a little more respect.

You would think as a person trying their hardest, I would get a little recognition.

You would think considering I taught him how to do basic adult things would get me a gold star at the end of the day.

No, all it got me was a half relationship and then she invades my city like she never heard me rant and rave about how beautiful it is.

I felt violated, I felt like everything I ever said wasn't heard. I felt as if my love for him and that city meant nothing. I was angry that she went, I was angry that I was angry. I didn't know she still had that much power over me. Maybe because it was there, maybe because she is her, or maybe because I have trauma from them that I have not dealt with yet. Who knows, nothing a good box cannot fix....right?

Maybe I am Scared

I want this.

I've wanted this since middle school. Why am i second guessing myself.

This career is something I have always wanted, maybe I didn't realize that I had gone through most of my life not really trying and having good results because I wasn't challenging myself because I was afraid of failure. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I guess the only person I need to worry about disappointing is myself. If I want it, go for it. Money will come and go, but time won't. Time doesn't come back around. What's done is done and I have to live for myself, not worry about anyone else. Make my life, mine, for me. Those who really love me will jump in the back for the ride.

If it makes you happy, it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.

photo is not mine, but it is of my favorite place New Orleans, Louisiana

#NOLAforlife

You love my lips cuz they say the...things we've always been afraid of.

You're scared of losing me, as I am you. You're one of a kind and you don't realize it. Which is one of the reasons I love you.

#Spotify

Wait

Wait for someone who loves you

I mean really loves you, wait for the person who calls at the end of the day even if they really are exhausted.

Wait for someone who makes sure you know you are loved and cared for, even if they don't say it explicitly.

Wait for someone who makes you feel calm.

Don't go for the person who gives you butterflies, that means there is anxiousness. Wait for the calm.

Wait for someone who you can't help but smile when you think about them. Even if you are frustrated with them, they still put a smile on your face.

Wait for someone who knows you so well that it's scary. Wait for someone who loves you more than themselves, but you don't have to have them say it to you, but you know.

Time

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get.

- Forrest Gump

A new year, a new way of doing things. New year new me, bullshit. Same me, same garbage fire I was in 2021. Difference is I am actively making a change to be less of a fire. Less of a drama, less of a inconvenience to myself. I was annoying, I was pathetic, I was not good for anyone. I was lost, I was healing, I was trying to figure my life out without any help. I was ignoring all the signs, I was living with rose colored glasses on. I was putting my dreams on hold, for what? For some man who wasn't worth my time. For someone who i thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, when in reality, I didn't need to spend more than 10 minutes with to realize that this isn't me. this person who stays quiet after they ask a question because they aren't asked the same in return, who learned a trauma response to not even thinking anyone cared how my day was.

Someone who allowed their family to completely ignore and try to change everything about me because I didn't fit into their perfect picture. Why did I think all of this headache and stress was normal. Why did I forget who I am and that I deserve everything. I spent too long trying to give him everything that I left nothing for myself in the process. I never grieved when we ended....I kind of accepted it and moved on. I never wanted us to end that way, but truth is we should've ended a long time ago. That's one of my problems, I go and go and go until the relationship gets toxic and then we both end up getting hurt more than we ever should've. I am grateful this breakup wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I was expecting to be back in heartbreak but I wasn't. I guess I grieved you when we were still together. Which is sad and goes back to the spent too long in the relationship problem.....but that's another time.

Change

3 years ago, we said goodbye.

You were so sure it wouldn't work, and you were right. At the time, I didn't want to hear it. Maybe I should've stayed, maybe I should've listened. But hey, you went your way, and I went mine. Little did we know how time would change. Change our ways, change us.

Change scares me. It always has. Him and I ended, and I wasn't sure where the time went. Then there you were, in all your glory. Like we never said goodbye.

purplebuddhaquotes

“You’re complicated. You need someone who gets that about you.”

—

Lev Grossman

(via purplebuddhaquotes)

purplebuddhaquotes

“It seemed like a great sign that we should meet again so soon. And whether or not it actually was a sign, the crucial thing is that we were both willing to see it as such.”

— Sharifa Rhodes-Pitts

keyholder23-blog

Maybe in May our lives will make sense again

purplebuddhaquotes

“It was one of those crazy things where you look at [a person], and that’s it, you’re done for, and you can’t quite figure out why.”

— Julie Metz

Do I?

Sometimes I think I miss you. Sometimes I think what would happen if I called you up. Sometimes I winder what would happen if you didn’t break me. Then I remember, you did. You did break me. You did try and come back. You tried and I didn’t want anything to do with you. I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t miss you. I miss the feeling I had with you. I yearn for that feeling again. I miss our friendship. I miss being able to mess with someone the way we did. Problem is I had someone and they have left. Not for forever but for long enough for me to hurt. Do I want you back. No. Do I want you In my life. No. I want someone to make me feel like you did when we were good. Oh we were so good. Then you fucked up.

Now I’m left missing a feeling. A feeling that I want so bad that I almost ruin a friendship to get. A feeling that will come when God allows. A feeling that will come without heartbreak and memories.

.......

I had you for ten days. I had everything I wanted for ten days. You were here and I could touch you. I could hold you close. I could hear your heartbeat. I could hear that musical laugh. I could see that smile. I could touch those impressive biceps. I had you for ten days. I had everything for ten days.

Then you left. You left me. Again. You left. You looked back but you left. All I’m left with are the memories of the late night talks and laughs that were endless. The night you told me you loved me while sons of love played in the background. That night was perfect. Then reality set in. Reality set in and we both got scared. We both realized this might not work. So we stopped the notion that we could really be together. All we can be is friends right now. Friends that love kissing on each other. The ones that can’t keep their hands off each other. That’s all we want right. A best friend we can’t keep our hands off of. I can’t keep my hands off you. You can’t do the same.

I can’t write you. Not yet. You leaving still hurts too much. I’m still too upset that you left. Give me time. I need time to be able to write you a letter without sounding so sad. I have to fake the smiles. I can’t right now. I can’t fake it because a part of me is missing. You’re missing.

Like I said, I had you for ten days. I had everything for ten days. Those ten days are up and I’m back to snuggling your sweatshirt dreading the day the smell leaves me. Until you come home again, I love you.

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