In the 1870s I was drunk on absinthe in Paris for the failure of another revolution. In the 1960s I was in Milan putting shit in tin cans before the bombs were going off. If anything, I wish that in the 2050s I will be stardust.
I should have done this sooner, but here is some information.
English is my second language and I will probably make mistakes or sound verbose when I am trying hard to explain something. Forgive me, I am practicing to be better.
This is a blog for grown ups, which is something that is only loosely defined by age. I am in my 40s. If you can think through your feelings before expressing an opinion then you are welcome here. But I warn you that I will talk freely about very sensitive and adult themes.
I’m currently reading and writing about:
Berserk ( ベルセルク ) by Miura Kentarō (1989 – present)
Saezuru tori wa habatakanai ( 囀る鳥は羽ばたかない ) by Yoneda Kou (2011 – present)
You will find my own analysis under the tags
#eri reads berserk (see also a table of contents here)
#eri reads saezuru (see also a table of contents here)
I will probably talk about other media occasionally in connection with these two works.
I am trying very hard to have a honest approach and I won’t put anything in absolute terms. The methodology for literary and artistic interpretation that I was mostly taught from grade school to university is heavily based in historical and cultural studies. But this doesn’t mean that I will look down on people who choose a different approach. I acknowledge everyone unless they are in bad faith and don’t have good intentions.
I don’t condone racism or discrimination against anyone, no one is fair game for bullying. LGBTQIA+ is the home I feel safe and welcomed to, please don’t make it different. Acceptance is what matters most to me and it includes tolerance and respect for differences in opinion.
so hard not to become the most annoying person on earth if you're a little excitable and just learned a little about a topic literally no one around you has any interest in
Some things I'm considering as I wonder what the title "Revelation" is going to have to do with the plot:
The Final Fantasy series is all about canceling the Apocalypse
FF7 names the space alien that's an abstract metaphor for colonialism and extractivism after Jehovah, the god of President Millard Fillmore and Commodore Matthew Perry
The very people who unironically want to see The Book of Revelation fulfilled love doing colonialism and extractivism
Tired of wholesome, mature and respectful queer media? What about the stories of wretched, sordid souls doomed to a darkness of their own design? We here at Wyndham's Torture Dungeons Accommodation believe that representation matters.
i like when fiction treats love as a more complicated force and not something that is inherently pure or redemptive. portray it as flawed and complex as any other human impulse. give me love as prejudice, love as possessive stasis, love as addiction, love as blindness, etc.
It's often the most male-catered to and even misogynistic media that feature some of the deepest and borderline homoerotic relationships between men. But that is to be expected. People think that patriarchy enabling homoaffectionate relationships between men is a bug, but it's actually a feature. True love can only come from a place of respect, and men often don't respect nor esteem women. They don't see women as capable of intellect, or strength, or imagination or even humanity. Those attributes are reserved to men. Which is why men's true love is often reserved for other men while women are just props to them. That's why it's easier for a lot of male writers to create stories about supposedly heterosexual male characters having the most world-shattering (accidentally romantic) bonds with other men, but not with women that they're canonically attracted to. It's because they can't fathom their male protagonist being so deeply affected by a woman's character, since women are to be lusted for and kept as props for their little domestic fantasies but never truly respected or admired as individuals. The ancient greeks were more honest about this stuff because they understood that patriarchy and male/male affection went hand in hand.
I’m certain that the emotional reactions to the last chapter may vary from wholehearted enthusiasm to utter disappointment. But I am asking this question instead, does the end of this chapter make sense from a character’s and a narrative perspective? To me that answer is yes and the development did not feel forced or entirely built upon the intrusive pressure of the three people who talk to Yashiro in this chapter alone. I hope I can briefly explain why I feel this way, but I am not sure I can be very articulate at the moment (this is a stressful time in my life for other reasons and my head has been occupied with other issues).
For those who have been reading my thoughts about the story here, you know how much I value Yashiro’s agency and ability to make her own decisions when it matters most. Doumeki’s approach has been very pressing and full of deception until last chapter where he eventually told his truth. I have been convinced for a long time that, in order to get Yashiro to make an active choice accepting Doumeki, some type of external force was needed. And on top of that, up until now Yashiro was convinced that Doumeki’s feelings had changed, so she really didn’t have a reason to believe that she could have something meaningful with him in the present. Doumeki kept saying that sex was all he wanted after all. Same old same old. I’m very critical of Doumeki’s choices and attitude, but I am more interested here in not framing Yashiro exclusively as a victim. So let’s see what the last chapters have offered: Yashiro had several conversations that imo built towards her decision. Since before Doumeki was shot, she had brief exchanges with Kageyama, then Misumi, then Doumeki’s confession in his apartment, and lastly the three conversations in chapter 66 with Nanahara, Amou and Kamiya (this last one wasn’t really a conversation at all, just Kamiya brashly and rudely talking at her while she was almost unresponsive). Each one of this exchange has some interesting perspectives, different points of looking at the relationship between Yashiro and Doumeki and different points of pressure. Kageyama asked her “Are you alright?” after Doumeki’s reappearance as a yakuza was discussed at the clinic. We are shown what he meant by asking that question well enough, we see Yashiro thinking back at Kageyama asking about her feelings, in what was the most relevant character’s development from Kageyama’s part. So already in chapter 58, as the conclusion of volume 9, two important points were discussed:
1) the nature of the decision Yashiro made to push away Doumeki with Kuga saying “What the hell, man, that guy’s definitely not cut out for that life, I thought anyway. Why’d he go back? I mean, the yakuza, jeez… (…) But like, really tough, that guy’s not suited for it! (To Yashiro) You thought so, too, right? That’s why you pushed him away four years ago.
2) Yashiro’s feelings as for Kageyama’s discreet questioning “Are you alright?” and acknowledging that Yashiro being in love with Doumeki is an aspect of the whole situation.
As for Doumeki disclosing his true feelings, Yashiro heard some of it at Kageyama’s clinic after Doumeki was shot: “I didn’t understand anything back then, I didn’t even understand that while I thought I was protecting you, I was the one being protected. So that’s why, that’s what I wanted to return to you”. This is important, because it’s another reminder that Yashiro’s intention to keep Doumeki away from the worst of the yakuza’s affairs in the end was understood. That is still something that is not undermined by Yashiro’s fears or denial of feelings, she cared about Doumeki and pushed him away out of love and self sacrifice in addition to the fear of facing her feelings and the fear of losing him to a meaningless yakuza dispute. In answer to Amou’s last question, that decision was made for Doumeki’s sake as well as a form of self preservation for Yashiro herself. One thing doesn’t contradict the other.
As for Yashiro’s conversation with Misumi in chapter 63, I feel like it should be a post of its own, with how complicated and multifaceted that relationship is. But that is something worth remembering after Amou’s conversation as well. But to be brief, let’s remember what Misumi says: “I heard it was Doumeki who protected you. (…) So that kid is still obsessed with you. (…) Yashiro, you don’t intend to accept him, do you? (…) I don’t know how he’ll be punished, but don’t get involved with Doumeki any further. This is not a suggestion”. Regardless of the fact that lately Yashiro is making a point of kind of doing the opposite of what Misumi asks in those limited margins of freedom she gained after the dissolution of her group, Misumi here is serious about his request, because of Tsunakawa’s pride. There is more at play here than personal feelings. It’s worth noting that Misumi’s instructions are also meant so that Yashiro can demonstrate her value to the other higher ups in the group, validating Misumi’s trust all along, with Yashiro further thinking that: “It’s like he’s raising his mini-me” which is more important now that the conversation with Amou happened. As I was saying, Yashiro and Misumi have a very complicated relationship that transcends many boundaries. There is an element of patronage that is tinted by the almost childish pride of demonstrating Misumi’s ability to mold a certain character in the most defiant person and most unlikely to be even a yakuza in the first place. This is more complicated than what Amou has with Misumi, and I am glad that Yashiro at least reminds Amou that Misumi also used to have sex with her: it’s not much of a paternal or paternalistic relationship in the innocent sense, at least not in the possessive attachment that Misumi maintains even after the sexual element is not longer there, with Yashiro’s aging once again a factor at play in the sexual interests of certain older men.
Yashiro has been thinking about her relationship with Doumeki for a while when the confession in chapter 65 happens. The biggest lie between them has been the one about Izumi, with Doumeki never denying that there was a woman in his life. And only now that he thinks he has nothing to lose before being punished by Tsunakawa, Doumeki drops the mask: “Do you want to know my true feelings? Even if that means I’ll tell you I care for you deeply. that even now I’m still chasing after you in spite of the fact that you always run from me?”. Doumeki’s justification here is basically this: Yashiro didn’t want to hear about his feelings so he was doing her a favor by lying to her, which betrays how little he understands Yashiro and how poorly he treated the whole situation. There is this element and then there is the most poignant part for understanding the last chapter as well: Doumeki’s decision to become part of a yakuza group: “I chose this path because this is the path you were on. It didn’t matter which group, it didn’t matter if people thought I was the worst or dishonorable. I decided I wanted to be in your world, no matter what it took or how”. While as readers we knew that already, this isn’t something Yashiro knew before this moment, and we need to remember that. It’s only now that she feels the weight that Doumeki’s recklessness put on her. Whether we want to remember of not, the age difference here and the fact that Yashiro was the one who took Doumeki in the group in the beginning are still factors that matters in the eyes of others: ultimately Doumeki was Yashiro’s responsibility before and whether that is no longer the case, that relationship was there at some point, that of a boss and a subordinate, not sworn son, like Nanahara, but still dependent upon Yashiro’s every decision. In my opinion these are the lenses through which Nanahara and Amou are seeing this. The point here is that Yashiro was never cut free of the responsibility she had at one point over Doumeki’s life, in the yakuza terms. I don’t know how to exactly explain it better here. It doesn’t mean it is exactly fair to put Yashiro in this position, but also the type of pressure she is under has multiple facets, and fairness is hardly something at play in social and intimate relationships. Yashiro can’t be free because she is part of a system, which is the reality for many people, no matter how committed we might be in our attempt to escape our particular circumstances.
The last pressure point to be addressed is Kamiya’s angry and dispassionate attempt to give Doumeki one last chance to be with the person who matters the most to him, before having his whole life ruined and locked away. Mind you, I don’t think that Kamiya has any reason to think that Yashiro can get Doumeki out of doing what was ordered to. And Kamiya himself can’t exactly get around Tsunakawa’s decisions or the group’s interests. So here he is just reinforcing the new knowledge that Yashiro has gained only hours before, that she was the motivation behind Doumeki’s choices and actions all along, as irrational as this is. Doumeki has renounced his loyalty to Tsunakawa, has betrayed everything that the yakuza stands for here: it’s as Kuga said, he was never suited for it. He was just too stubborn to return to the broken family he left behind and forever turn his back to the criminal world Yashiro was so deeply involved with. Again, Yashiro didn’t know this before recently, it is such an extreme way to react to a rejection. Yashiro never thought she could matter so much to even imagine a behavior like Doumeki’s and she is also right in being weary about it, and she says as much to Nanahara, how is this different from an obsession?, in the same terms that Misumi used. Well, to me what makes all the difference here is Yashiro’s own heart, her feelings for Doumeki, the fact that Doumeki’s emotions have been quietly reciprocated since the beginning. Yashiro has agency over what to do with her own feelings now that she has a clear picture to work with and not the deceit and the sexual abuse which seemed a twisted cruelty before.
When recently I was writing my thoughts about one of my favorite scenes, I talked about chapter two, the scene between Yashiro and Aoi in the coffee shop. Maybe this is why the framing of Yashiro after Amou leaves her in chapter 66 was so familiar to me. This is the thing that shaped how I received and read the chapter the most. Back then Aoi asked Yashiro to let Doumeki go and Yashiro said no. Imo that moment was early enough that Doumeki would have given up if confronted with rejection and distance, if Yashiro had fired him immediately upon discovering he had a family to return to. That was a moment that shaped the entire story, that first, impulsive, selfish decision to deny Aoi’s request, because Yashiro didn’t want to, for no clear reason probably in her own mind and heart still. And because she had wanted then to keep Doumeki around and got closer to him, now she can’t escape that first commitment, as boss, as yakuza and as someone who cares for Doumeki despite it all, without betraying something still vital and alive in her own heart.
I need people to understand that loyalty is hot because it's a vice, not a virtue.
Being loyal to someone means you'll follow them even when they're wrong. If you only follow them as long as they're right, you're not loyal, you're just being reasonable, and basing your decisions on your own sense of morality. It's bad to follow someone who's wrong, and that's exactly what loyalty demands, by definition.
Of course, millennia of societies featuring
patron/client relationships of all kinds
ruling classes needing legitimacy and some degree of consent from the underclasses (otherwise it's non-stop violence, and that's expensive and dangerous, right?)
warlord arrangements with alliances between them and "favours" to their underlings
related: feudal arrangements with kings, lords, vassals, knights and oaths of fealty
militaries needing to give soldiers incentives that are stronger than self-preservation, and being unable to dangle "personal gain" in front of them full-time
strongmen/monarchs (it's a continuum) needing loyalty to their person, otherwise someone else might take their place
empires needing loyalty to the empire itself, otherwise the population might side with another empire, or go for independence
nation-states needing loyalty to the nation, so that they can effectively oppress, expel, or eliminate everyone else
and gangs (this includes states) needing cohesiveness to protect their turf from other gangs
have produced a GIGANTIC trove of literature, art, law, philosophy etc that paints loyalty as a virtue, often the ultimate virtue.
Some good reasons to accept this at face value momentarily are:
to immerse yourself in fiction and enjoy it
to feel strong feelings
to put yourself in the shoes of the many real people that fell for this in the past, and so to better understand them and the societies that produced them
to put yourself in the shoes of the many real people that are falling for this as we speak, and so to better understand them and be more equipped to argue against this deeply conservative narrative
porn
There are… no good reasons to accept this at face value for longer than that.
Now mind you, I'm not saying "don't be loyal to anyone". I'm not in the business of urging people to be virtuous here. I'm saying, if you are loyal to someone, accept it for what it is and don't pretend you deserve a medal. Own your crimes. Revel in your transgressions, even.
After all, I, too, would help my buddy hide the body. I'm just not pretending that's a good and moral thing.
The full illustration I did for @taplingzines "We've Always Been Here"
The zine depicts queer couples throughout cultures and history and I had the honours of portraying a Japanese lesbian couple in an underground bar during the 80s✨
Yesterday my internet connection was temporarily down and I apparently missed the preview! I’m so intrigued by the page they showed (much less so by the cover that seems to be quite disconnected from what is currently happening). Was Tsunakawa the one who wanted to talk to Amou or the other way around? I don’t think Amou had any reason for wanting this meeting to happen and Tsunakawa is probably truly baffled by Doumeki now and probably wants to know more (and is probably resentful of having been kept out of the loop? But how much Amou knew about Doumeki’s relationship with Yashiro, how far he went before the group was disbanded?). But showing this meeting can be good, because I was wondering who could actually get Doumeki out of having to kill Kai (which imo is the most obvious outcome for the narrative and the character’s arc) and the only person I can think about who can actually make a difference now is Misumi pulling ranks and wanting Kai for himself: to make an example of him because of the stolen guns. Amou might as well be the one to learn first about this and know that if they follow Doumeki they can get to Kai first… Or this could be how Yashiro gets away with “rescuing” Doumeki. If Doushinkai takes Kai first, then Tsunakawa can only follow up with expelling Doumeki from the group, but without Doumeki having to go to prison. I am not forgetting Okuyama’s involvement as well, who probably would prefer if Tsunakawa was not the one responsible for Kai’s death as the extreme outcome… Looking forward to seeing the chapter, I have been feeling a little bit of anticipation in the last few days. My brain is plotting on the yakuza affairs more than anything else though.
