I have a habit of falling in love with my best friends.
But this time I’ve been in love with him since before I even really knew him. From the moment I walked into that first rehearsal, I’ve wanted him. I’ve always thought it was one of those stupid crushes you get on someone who is attractive and good at what they do - i.e. any celebrity crush ever, or when you get one of those weird crushes on your teacher or doctor or whatever.
Then, I got to know him. I think I longed after him throughout the entirety of my last relationship - which was almost 3 years (just so you know how truly pathetic I am). In fact, it may have been a contributing factor to the eventual break up... I wasn’t trying hard enough and maybe it was because I was so enveloped in spending time at home since, by that point, I was (and am still) living with this guy. Not to mention the fact that I openly babbled about how great he is to my then boyfriend (and how I’d totally like to hit that). Sorry bro.
Wait. I forgot to mention. He’s gay, too. So there’s actually no hope in hell for me. This is important information. He’s also engaged (but you know, if he were straight, I probably wouldn’t have an issue with being a home wrecker). Also important information.
We spend a lot of time together. Like close friends do. We go to rehearsals together, we go to each other’s performances, we go shopping, stay in and watch movies, snuggle on the couch, and so on and so forth.
There was one night we set out to watch a documentary. I remember holding his hand and getting all snuggled up... and then I woke up. During the credits. He had essentially held my hand while I snored on him for 90 minutes, and he hadn’t moved at all. I would’ve woken me up... my snoring can be horrendous.
More than a few of my friends have said that we act like husband and wife, kissing each other goodbye, ‘will you be out late?’ I cook us dinner every Tuesday night, for fuck’s sake. And it’s ritual. I’ve heard his fiance angrily refer to it as ‘date night’ during one of their arguments.
Mid last year another friend of mine, upon hearing me talk about our home life, said to me, ‘honey, I know you love him. But for the love of God, don’t fall in love with him.’
‘Don’t be silly.’ I said.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
Yes, I know this is all basically me being an idiot, but I honestly don’t think I’m being overly ridiculous. There is some kind of tension there that I don’t get from any of my other friends, male or female.
And there have been weird(?) moments where I’ve questioned how innocent he’s being (I would’ve said ‘we’re being’ but we already know I’m lacking in innocence in this scenario).
He’s moved my hair aside and kissed my neck when we’ve been saying goodnight - on two occasions... Not necessarily how I would treat someone who’s ‘just my friend’. One time when I came home wearing a dress that he desperately wanted to me to wear, I caught him checking out my ass when I bent over to put some dishes away (though, I’ll admit, I’m not a mind reader. He could have been thinking it was a terrible ass.) And I can’t count the amount of times those cheek kisses have crept a little too close to my lips.
There’s one night that left me very confused. I had gone downstairs to his office to say goodnight. He replied with something I couldn’t quite hear, but he sounded serious. I said, ‘Pardon?’ Quietly, he replied, ‘Nighty-night.’ It didn’t seem quite right. I was halfway back upstairs before I realised he had said ‘I love you.’ I’m still kicking myself for not going back. He’s never said it again.
During all of this I was still thinking ‘haha it’s just a crush.’ Until last night. We had come home from rehearsal and he, myself, and his fiance were sitting on the couch. The two of them were saying goodnight and he kept pulling he fiance back for one more hug and I jokingly said, ‘you know, I get in trouble when I’m being this needy!’ To which he replied, ‘well, that’s because you don’t have a ring.’ Ridiculously, that absolutely crushed me. I’ve now been dwelling on it for about 20 hours because it made me realise two things: first, I am most certainly in love with him and second, he will never, ever, be mine.
