Now, this is not the end.

[kibbles-undbitches]

Just found out that my partner of SEVEN YEARS wants kids.

[kibbles-undbitches]

I was supposed to have two surgeries this summer.

One would significantly reduce pain.

One would improve mental health.

Both were the only things giving me hope.

Neithet one is happening.

[kibbles-undbitches]

I could have died Friday and my agoraphobic ass had a panic attack and flipped out at nurses and the resident insisting I needed to go home and never come back.

They let me go and i'm fine but like. My ass sure doesn't have its priorities straight. Literally cared more about being at home than about dying.

Lmaoooo.

[kibbles-undbitches]

Winter died and not one of my friends has checked in on me.

[kibbles-undbitches]

Jacob is not doing well with it.

[kibbles-undbitches]

There is a strong chance that I am once again relapsing unintentionally. Just no appetite, can't get myself to eat.

[kibbles-undbitches]

I tried to lose 20 pounds in a healthy way and now can't stop losing more. Like I am not trying to lose weight. It just keeps coming off.

[kibbles-undbitches]

Winter died and not one of my friends has checked in on me.

[kibbles-undbitches]

Super cool that my brothers and their partners hang out all the time and have never once invited us. I feel so loved and valued.

[kibbles-undbitches]

I had an individual session with our couples therapist and she asked me why I'm even with him and if I am afraid to leave and if he's ever hurt me.

So.

That's something I wish I had close enough friends to talk to about.

[kibbles-undbitches]

There is a strong chance that I am once again relapsing unintentionally. Just no appetite, can't get myself to eat.

[kibbles-undbitches]

By the time id been awake for 20 minutes today I'd already started crying so hard I was puking so yeah you could say it's a great day.

[kibbles-undbitches]

I don't know if any of my irl friends are even still active on here but if you are and you're local, this is me making a cry for help.

I'm not in crisis but I could really use someone here with me.

[kibbles-undbitches]

By the time id been awake for 20 minutes today I'd already started crying so hard I was puking so yeah you could say it's a great day.

[kibbles-undbitches]

I know im having an anxiety attack and my anxiety meds would help but I don't have any other forms of self harm left so im just forcing myself to endure it instead lol

[kibbles-undbitches]

He doesn't know how much longer he can keep trying.

I feel worthless.

[kibbles-undbitches]

Doing bad today tbh

[kibbles-undbitches]

Hello I now have two $650 bedside tables that I got for $100 total.

That is a 92.3% discount.

People on marketplace are big on losing money apparently.

[kibbles-undbitches]

I’m just trying to do this dating thing differently. More like I did with the one (1) healthy relationship I had.

Want to see him? Tell him that.

Want to talk to him? Talk to him.

See a red flag? Take a step back and run if necessary.

Baggage? Take it slow. He doesn’t need to know everything all at once. I’m allowed to keep my past to myself for a while.

Commitment? Give it time. It doesn’t have to be 100% right away.

Like I can have a healthy adult relationship and I don’t have to disclose my entire life from the get-go. I don’t have to “warn him.” I can wear short sleeves without warning him about the scars ahead of time. I don’t have to come with a warning label. I don’t have to come with an instruction manual. I can just get to know him, normally. I don’t have to fall in love in ~3 weeks. And if it doesn’t work? It doesn’t work. It’ll probably hurt a bit but shit happens!

This can just be fun and flirty for now and if it goes somewhere, that’s cool! But if not, that is what it is.

[kibbles-undbitches]

This was a really healthy way I was looking at it yesterday and then I got panicked that he just said yes to a date because he didn’t want to deal with telling me he doesn’t like me (???????) and guess what happened!

He texted me tonight just to ask what I was up to.

So the moral of the story is that my brain tends toward panic and distrust and I just need to breathe through it.

[kibbles-undbitches]

We’re at like 5 years now so I think I did okay at this

[kibbles-undbitches]

Make that almost 6

[kibbles-undbitches]

God i fucking hate myself