Tonight was the first night in years that I could not sleep at all. Nothing bad has happened, but I can feel a change in me. The last time I couldn’t sleep was because of a boy, and now, surprise, it’s about another boy. It’s about a boy that makes me feel like something incomparable and indescribable. I’ve never felt this feeling before and I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like. Let me tell you, it’s goddamn awful: the longing to see him, the anxiety that comes with a crush, and the complete fear that this is all too good to be true.
My previous relationship was filled with feelings of despair, fear, loneliness, miscommunication, and all of the negative terms that go along with a negative relationship. Without going into detail: it was bad. You, on the other hand, had a great last relationship. The first thing you told me was that you think she was the love of your life, granted, you were very drunk (but drunk words are sober thoughts, amirite?). This also happened months ago and we only started talking a few weeks ago, but how is it that I fell so quickly? I’m not in love- definitely not in love (yet?), but this feels like the real deal. This feels like you could be something so special. I thought the last one was special too- and it was- just not the right type of special: special in the view that it was a good way to learn more about myself, which I’m proud to say I did.
How could I feel like this already? Also, I’m not really sure why he likes me? This contradicts everything that I’ve ever told myself to want in a relationship. It’s your sincerity, your honesty, your openness. I’ve always hated the name “babe” (seriously), but coming out of your mouth makes it sound so right and makes my heart skip a beat (I can’t even believe I just said that). Actually, rereading our conversation from the day makes me smile (all. the. damn. time). Sometimes, I’ll just reread from the very beginning and that feeling is still there. Maybe it’s the initial lust feeling that I get with some movies and then it eventually dies down. I’m not sure, but I like it and hate it at the same time.
I fear that I’m going to be hurt in the end. Either you’re going to go back to your ex, or I’ll always be second behind her. What if I’m a rebound? I worry that you will never get over her because “the love of your life” is a big deal. I’m afraid that what happened with my ex is going to happen again or at least something similar. My friends have told me to just not think about that and see where this things goes because he doesn’t seem like the type of guy to do something like that. You know what I think? I think everyone is capable of hurting other people emotionally with or without their knowledge. I don’t want to be hurt again because that shit was painful. I’m still coping, but you’re making it way better.
I fantasize. I think it’s lame for me, of all people, to fantasize about a future date, a future kiss, a future EVERYTHING. I don’t like doing this because then it gets my hopes up and makes room for dreams that are possibly impossible. I don't even care anymore because my mind just wanders and it thinks what it wants to; therefore, I can’t stop even if I will myself to.
I think that’s everything I’m feeling...(probably not).
Conclusion: I’m just going to ride this out because he seems like he’s worth it. If anything, if it doesn’t go in my favor, I’m just going to play it off like it’s whatever because that’s what I do best.
I have this high expectation dream that when I go to Hawaii, I'm going to meet a cute Hawaiian boy who will be too shy to talk to me but will talk to me anyway and ask me out on a true Hawaiian experience date but will ask my dad for permission first considering we're in Hawaii and all trust issues slapped on the table. Then my dad would say yes and I'd wear my black crop top with my skirt and sandals and he would take me to a real luau where he would lei me and we'd have our first kiss. Then we'd go star gazing and we'd talk about anything and everything, followed by taking me home and kissing me goodnight. He would continue to ask me out on dates for my days before departure and we'd keep in contact and he'd eventually ask me to be his girlfriend. idk
I read the end of your book. The person that you made, the guy that rides up on the motorcycle and says exactly how he feels and what he wants even when it’s complicated. That’s the guy I want to be! And I’m here to say that I don’t care how hard it is … it’s what I want.
jacobvanloon
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andulkaphoto
romaincrisis
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