* / 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​:

.

“And I would not ask you to be.” He had meant it when he said he had no intention of causing her any further harm even if he had darkened her doorway again tonight. But he was only here to make sure she was safe. At least, that was what he wanted to believe.  He should go, he needed to go right now, and yet his feet remained rooted to the ground. If he could keep the distance between them then that would be enough, then he could keep his impulses in check and as soon as his feet responded then he could leave this room without breaking his word.

But she was closing that gap and while his head screamed for him to run, he remained still. Maybe if he just didn’t look at her, then he would be safe. Gods, who was he when he was around her? No other woman had ever been able to affect him like this, had been able to get him to care. Just keep looking at the wall, take a few deep breaths and escape out the door as soon as possible. And then her hand was on his arm and he foolishly turned his head to meet her blue-eyed gaze. And it was all over.

She called to him like a siren luring him onto the rocks and no matter what his best intentions had been, all he could think of now was what it would be like to hold her in his arms again. No one could turn back the clock and return to their past, but by gods he could try. No words he could say would answer her questions, this was the only way he could explain how he was feeling. His hand rested briefly upon her shoulder and for a moment he considered moving her to one side to make a run for the door, but one more look into those eyes and he knew he was gone. Instead that hand pulled her body against his so Nik could capture her lips in a kiss that left him both tormented and breathless.

 . . .                       SHE  WAITS  FOR  AN  ANSWER  THAT  DOES  NOT  COME .  not  in  the  way  she  expects.  she  wants  explanations -  clarity .  she  wants  to  understand  why  his  every  word  and  action  contradict  each  other .  she  wants  to  know  why  she  should  care  at  all .  and  yet ,  she  does .  he  avoids  her  gaze ,  and  the  confusion  only  intensifies .  she  cannot  understand  why .  her  mouth  falls  agape ,  waiting  for  something -- anything  that  can  give  her  a  precious  answer .

and  then  he  looks  at  her .  they  lock  eyes  ,  and  philippa  finds  that  she  is  incapable  from  looking  away .  years  &  loss  &   anger  dissipated  in  a haze . his  hand  grazes  her  shoulder ,  and  her  eyes  follow  it .  she  inhales  to  speak ,  but  her  eyes  flicker  up  to  his  again  &  in  an  instant  nikolai  pulls  her  flush  against  him .  against  all  reason , she  finds  that  her  arms  wind  around  his  neck ,  fingers  grazing  through  his  hair . 

    he  kisses  her  &  she  does  not  retreat .  rather , she  rises  to  the  tips  of  her  toes ,  tightens  her  arms  around  him ,  lips  moving  in  tandem  with  his .  it  was  as  if  time  had  stopped  and  reversed  in  the  same  moment ,  and  their  pair  were  left  somewhere  in  between.  where  time   could  not  touch  them .  philippa  languishes  in  the  kiss  for  a  moment  longer ,  breathless  and  hazy . then ,  ever  so  slightly ,  she  pulls  away .  her  fingertips  trail  down  the  side  of  his  face ,  before  she  presses  her  lips  to  the  corner  of  his  mouth ,  from  where  she  murmurs :    

            “  i  think  this  may  be  quite  the  opposite  to  maintaining  distance ,  nik .”  it  was  a start .  there  was  still so  much  to  answer  for ,  but  she  could  not  imagine  it  in  the  moment . 

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​:

.

Even if she didn’t think she could be a target, it wasn’t worth taking the risk to him. No one was safe and he knew he could never live with himself if she got hurt or worse just because she might not be as key a target as someone else. He was prepared to leave once she answered but then she moved aside and Nik stepped cautiously into her room.

He didn’t know why she had allowed him entry when she was still clearly furious with him. He hadn’t even intended to stay after checking on her so why had he just stepped in? Maybe the force of habit was having an effect on them both, since him coming to call on her in the middle of the night was something that had happened plenty of times before. If that was the case the he would have to be particularly careful not to let those memories get the better of him or he would have his arms around her and his lips pressed against hers before he could even think. And then certainly a black eye after that.

Nik sighed and leaned against the wall, all the better to create some distance between them. The sight of Pippa with her hair loose and a shawl draped over her nightclothes brought back a lot of memories it would be better if he forgot right now. “Believe me, I wish I knew what I wanted as well.” Forgiveness? Attention? Love? He had been feeling a little more vulnerable than usual lately, perhaps Pippa’s re-emergence in his life had only served to stir up those emotions further and he was having difficulty confronting them. “Maybe it just boils down to something as simple as me just wanting to see you. And I know that it’s selfish and I know it’s unreasonable. I do still have every intent of respecting your wishes for me to stay away but with the murder and everything… I just knew I wouldn’t be able to think straight until I made sure you were safe.” Nik hadn’t expected such a vulnerable expression from himself and cleared his throat, casting his gaze everywhere but at Pippa. “You should… should really try and make this room more secure. I can arrange a guard to be posted on your door if you like.”

. . . 

                 IT  BAFFLES  HER  BEYOND  REASON ,  the  sudden  gallantry  of  it  all ,  the  nerve  of  it  all . she  cannot  fathom  what  nikolai  wants  for  her .  every  admission  she  had  made   ,  he  rejected .  he  had  not  loved  her ,  that  much  he  made  clear .  he  did  not  want  to  revisit  the  past ,  or  so  she  understood . he  would  respect  her  wish  for  space  ,  and  yet  here  he  stands . it  is  too  familiar ,  him  standing  in  her  bedchambers .  a  part  of  her  expected  him  to  take  a  lock  of  heir  in  his  fingers .  to  press his  lips  to  her  cheek ,  to  call  her  poppy  as  his  arms  wound  around  her  waist. 

a  flush  (  of  what  ?  anger - - memory ?  )  color  her  cheeks  in  the  glow  of  the  fire as  she  waits  for  some  form  of  explanation .  what  she  receives  surprises  her .  it  is  as  honest  as  he  has  been  since  they  had  run  into  each  other .  it  is  more  information  than  she  has  received.  something  about  it  softens  her ,  ever  so  slightly .  her  shoulders  relax ,  and  her  hands  unclench  from  fists .  he  tells  her  that  he  does  not  know  what  he  wants . 

             “  i  cannot  be  your  fool  again ,  nikolai . ” she  starts , averting  his  gaze . she  cannot  wait  for  him  to  know  what  he  wants ,  she  deserves  better .  and  then  comes  the  truer  revelation .  the  one  that  clouds  her  vision  ,  that  turns  her  thoughts  fuzzy .  she  knits  her  brow ,  eyes  surveying  his  countenance  even  if  he  looks  away  from  her .  she  takes  a  few  steps  closer ,  closing  some  of  the  distance  between them . “ wanting  to  see  me ? ”  the  question  is  more  of  a breathy  laugh .  “ why ,  nikolai ?  you’ve  seen  me  safe .  why ,  though ?  i  do  not  understand .  you  owe  me  nothing ,  i  made  myself  clear in  my  affections.  the  air  was  cleared . . . i  do  not  understand.” 

a  hand  reaches  out  toward  him .  anger  had  not  been  their  way   - -  not  in  their  time  together .  she  was  so  tired  of  anger . delicate  fingertips  brush  his  arm .  “ blast  the  door ,  nikolai . i  am  safe . and  you  are  selfish ,  but - - help  me  understand  why seeing  me  means  anything  ? ” another  step  towards  him ,  blue  eyes  peering  at  his  face . “ our  story  together  ended . . . you  made  that  abundantly  clear .  why ,  then ,  are  you  here  right  now ?”

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​:

.

He took a step back, startled by the way the door was flung open and Pippa stood there looking as though she wanted to bite his head off and spit out the bones. He should have expected nothing less. Nik raised his hands slightly, palms towards her in a gesture of peace and supplication. “Please, I did not come here to cause you any more harm, I swear it.” 

Had he not done enough harm already? Nik could hardly blame her for her anger and knew she would be more than justified in slamming the door in his face right now. But he also knew that her daughter was likely to be sleeping nearby and she wouldn’t want to risk waking her with fury directed at him. That little girl was probably the only thing protecting him from being yelled at and thrown down the stairs. “I was worried about you, Pop… Philippa.” He nearly slipped into using her pet name again, but expected that would only add fuel to the fire and quickly switched it to her actual name. 

Even if she often went by Pippa, calling her Philippa would hopefully be enough indication that he truly wasn’t here to cause trouble and had enough respect for her furious feelings towards him not to outstay his welcome. “There has just been a murder and no one is resting easy since no killer is currently locked away in the dungeon. I just wanted to make sure you were well.”

. . . 

              IT  IS  NOT  THE  INTERRUPTION  THAT  sparks  a  fire  of  rage  in  her ,  so  much  as  it  is  the  surprise - -  the  audacity .  plenty  had  been said  between  them ,  and  nothing  indicated  that  further  conversations  were  required . her  heart  had  suffered  great  injury  that  night ,  and  the conversation  had  only  reopened  wounds  that  she  had  worked  tirelessly  to  heal . coming  face  to  face  with  nikolai  had  reopened  a  door  she  thought  had  closed ,  and brought  with  it  the  pain  of  the  knowledge   that  he  had  never  interpreted  her  affections  as  LOVE . 

the  start  of  his  pet  name  makes  her  tense  even  further ,  but  she  waits  for  his  explanation . “ WELL ,  you’ve  relieved  your  conscience.  i  am  in  fact  alive ,  and  a  rather  small  target.”   if  these  were  different  days ,  that  might  have  made  him  laugh . 

         “  though  you ,  on  the  other  hand . . . “  she  shakes  her  head ,  the  roll  of  her eyes  following  in  quick  suit .  she  steps  back ,  allowing  him  entry  inside  (  improper ,  she  knew ,  but  how  many  times  had  he  come  knocking  at  her  door  in  the  old  days ? ).  “ you’d  better  get  inside ,  lest  this  killer  swoop  in  and  catch  us  both  because  we  are  bickering  in  a  corridor. ”  she  steps  in  and  makes  note  of  her  severely  informal  state  ,  her  hair  loose  around  her  shoulders ,  better  prepared  for  bed  than  she  was  a  visitor .  nikolai  had  seen  her  in  such a  state  before ,  but  she  tightened  her  shawl  over  her  frame  all  the  same .  “ are  you  satisfied ,  my  lord ?  now  that  you’ve  ensured  my  safety ?”  she  realizes  she  must  quiet  her  voice ,  lest  karolina  make  her  presence  known . she  pinches  the bridge  of  her  nose. “  is  that  really  why  you  came traipsing  through  dark  corridors with a  killer  on  the  loose ?”  for  the  first  time ,  she  really  looks  at  him .  she  shrugs  her  shoulders . “  i  do  not  understand  what  you  want  from  me ,  nikolai . “

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​:

Despite his promise to keep his distance, Nikolai couldn’t help but feel the need to check up on Pippa after the tragic events. Even if it didn’t affect her directly, the news had been a shock to everyone and he was sure a fair few people were sleeping with one eye open in case the killer still stalked the castle halls. Personally he thought that killer was Lady Rose herself and she was long gone, but the thought of an angry wife murdering her husband didn’t exactly put him at ease.

His children were already asleep for the night when he departed for Pippa’s room, the two of them tucked safely into their beds with their governess sat nearby doing some needlework by the fire. Nikolai doubted he would be gone long anyway, he just wanted to check Pippa was alright and then leave swiftly so as not to intrude upon her life any further than he already had done. He knocked at her door, three evenly spaced raps of his knuckles against the wood, then cursed to himself when he remembered that had been his signature knock for notifying her that it was him at the door. Knowing that he was visiting her, his brain must have informed his body to act on instinct. Now he would be lucky if she even opened the door.

@kindblooms​

       . . .                      SHE  HAD  SPENT  THE  MAJORITY  OF  THE  TIME  since  the  shocking  &  tragic  events  of  the  wedding  buried  in her  work .  she  tended  to  anja  when she  was  required ,  she  assisted  karolina  with  her  writing  when  she  had  the  time .  she  deflected .  there  was  only  so  much  that  she  could  bear  at  once , and  the  evening  itself  had  left  her  reeling  for  a  myriad  of  reasons .  karolina  sits  in  her  lap , unable  to  sleep  but  uncertain  why .   it  seems  the  tension  has  not  escaped  the  children  present  at  the  castellum .   ❛  you  must  at  least  try ,  my  dove ,   ❜  she  coos ,  running  fingers  through  near -  black  curls . she  presses  a kiss  to  the  top  of  her  head ,  and  slowly  karolina  makes  her  way  to  the  small, adjoining  room  . 

        THEN , SHE   HEARS  IT .  three  slow ,  evenly  paced  raps  at  her  door . it  sends  her  back  to  a  much  different  time ,  where  she  waited  patiently  for  those  knocks .  where  her  happiness was  found  once  the  door  opened .  now ,  and  with  karolina  so  close  by ,  it  fills  her  with  dread.  hadn’t  they  said  enough ?  she  thinks  to  ignore  it ,  but  something  burns  within  her  (  anger ?  sadness ?  regret  ?  )  that  she  cannot  discern. she  throws  a  shawl  over  her  frame , walks  to  the  door ,  briefly  touching  the  wood  before swinging  it  open  wide . blue  eyes  peer  up  at  him ,  brow  knit  in  absolute  confusion . 

                  “ nik ,  what  on  earth  are  you  doing  here  ? have  you  come  to  humiliate  me  a  second  time ?  to  tell  me  why  i  should  be  grateful  to  be   away  from  you ?  i’ll listen  to  neither . ”

[kindblooms]

reqal​: ( anja ) 

anja    always     feared     the     unknown.     things    she    couldn’t     control    ,     things    she     couldn’t     change.     and     even      as    a     QUEEN    …     there     was     plenty     she     could    not     control    and    plenty     she     could     not     change.     “    i     can      only     hope     you     are      right.     ”      and     more     often     than     not     ,     pippa     was     right.     “     believe     me      when    i     say     i     am      doing     everything     in     my      power     NOT     to     overexert     myself.     ”      she     couldn’t     help     but     wonder     if      the     stresses    of    WAR     are      what     caused     her      misfortunes.     “     especially     when     you     are     there     to    remind    me    every    hour.    ”

                          SHE  CAN  SENSE  ANJA’S  UNEASE  as  if  it  is  her  own . there  is  very  little   that  she  can  understand  about  the  stresses  that  anja  faces  on  a  daily  basis,  beyond  experiencing  them  at  her  side .  it  is  another  thing  all  together  to  be  the  leader ,  in  times  such  as  these. there  are  times  that  philippa  is  grateful  that  her  parents  were  not  more  ambitious -  that  her  mother  had  not  been  a  queenmaker . “  what  good  would  i  be  if  i  were  not  a  little  pest  in  your  ear ,  reminding  you  to  take  care  ? ”  she  raises  a  brow ,  laughs  lightly ,  before  regaining  her  composure . “  how  can  i  help  you  now ?  right  this  instant ?  what  do  you  need ? ”

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​:

.

“I…” He stumbled over his words, not sure how he could possibly convey what he felt. Nikolai knew his worth and that he was nothing more than a charming jester - fun to spend time with but ultimately not someone to commit your life to. “I am not someone to be loved, Pippa. I don’t want to let people become close to me because once they’re past the amusement and the charm, what’s left just… isn’t enough for them. And you came close, so close.” He had never been completely certain that her feelings for him had run so deeply, and if he had noticed anything that indicated love then he had simply suppressed it and pretended not to notice. But towards the end, it was starting to become so obvious that he had known. Even if he denied it, of course he had known, and he was only willing to admit it now.

“You did deserve better than how I left. That was wrong, and I am sorry for it, but in the end it was for the best. You became closer to me than anyone else ever had and I thought about staying, I really did. My mother had notified me of the marriage she had arranged and I thought about turning it down. Towards the end I was laying in bed with you asleep in my arms and thinking about how much it made me happy, but to deny my mother’s wishes would have meant denying my family the advancement they wanted. Even then, it seemed trivial enough that is was worth not going through with it to stay with you, but then I started thinking about what kind of future we might have had and I knew that staying would have been the worst thing I could do for you. I could never have kept you happy and the last thing I wanted for either of us was to wake up years down the line to look at you and see only disappointment in your eyes. My wedding was the easy way out and I took it, and if I had the chance to go back I would change the way things ended between us, but I wouldn’t change my decision. Doing so would mean that I was never blessed with my children and they are worth more to me than anything else.”

His hand still clutched her fingers after his big speech as if he needed the contact to keep himself anchored after pouring the weight of everything out in such a way. Nikolai was not meant to be a good man or a good husband and at the time it had been easier to inflict that upon a stranger rather than a woman he truly cared for. He relaxed his grip and let his hand fall back to his side. “It does not do well to think too much on the past. We both came out of this with our children so us parting ways ultimately led to them and we shouldn’t regret that.”

  .

              SHE  FEELS  SO  UNBELIEVABLY  SMALL  IN  THIS  MOMENT .  how  ridiculous  it  feels  to  have  to  convince  someone  that  you  loved  them ,  when  you  conveyed  it  so  fully .  how  difficult  it  is  to  hear  that  that  person  came  close  to  loving  you  in  return .  close ,  but  not  close  enough .   “ ENOUGH ,  NIKOLAI . do  not  tell me  how  you  are  not  one  to  be  loved . because  i  loved  you ,  completely .  you  were  enough  for  me  .”  she  shrugs ,  defeated ,  and  the  jacket  nearly  falls  off  of  her  shoulders . “ you  were  enough  for  me .”  the  words  are  weak ,  warbling .  perhaps  it  is  because  she  feels  that  they  did  not  require  saying .  she  was  pippa -  little pippa  with  her  heart  on  her  sleeve ,  little  pippa  who  amused  others  when  she  spoke  her  mind .  she  thought  it  had  been  obvious . she  thinks that  it  must  be obvious  now .  

she  remembers  the  way  she  wept  in  anja’s  arms ,  realizing  nikolai  was  to  be  married -  realiziing  that  he  had  left  without  a  word .  she  remembers  the  soul -  crushing ,  all -  consuming  ache  that  she  felt  for  months  after .  she  remembers  the  way  her  heart  broke  again  when  karolina  began  to  bear  the  very  likeness  of  her  father . he  speaks ,  and  it  only  brings  her  to  anger .   she  scoffs . “  should  i  take  comfort ,  then ,  in  the  fact  that  you  nearly  stayed  ?  or  perhaps  in  the  notion  that  i  was  nearly  enough  to  be  loved  in  return  ?  that  i  came  close  ?  should  that  be  my  consolation  ?  you  made  a  choice ,  nikolai .  one  that  i  had  no  involvement  in .  do  not  pretend  to  know  that  it  was  better  for  me .  do  not  pretend  to  know  that  you  could  not  be  the  man  i  wanted  or  needed.  i  am  not  asking  you  to  regret  your  choice  -  or  deny  your  children ,  but  do  not  placate  me  with  notions  that  a  life  i  never  lived  would  have  been  a  poor  one .”  she  finally  looks  up  at  him  blue  eyes  appearing  sharper ,  almost  piercing  amongst  the  swirl  of  tears . “ we  could  have  been  happy ,  and  i  think  you  know  that . “

his  hand  finally  falls  slack  from  hers ,  and  philippa  finds  that  her  mouth  is  agape .  she  wipes  her  eyes  rather  frantically  with  the  hand  that  had  previously  held  his ,  nodding  only  slightly.  she  shrugs  his  coat  from  her  shoulders ,  passing  it  back  to  him .  she  would  rather  bear  the  cold  than  continue  on  with  something  that  feels  too  close  to  an  embrace .  “ how  right  you  are . perhaps  we  ought  to  forget  all  that  has  happened  between  us  .  i  was  content  to  walk  right  past  you .  it  was  you  that  stopped  me ,  remember  ? you   can  forget  any  admission  i’ve  made  -  it  certainly  has  no  bearing  now .  would  that  make  you  happier ,  nikolai ? “

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​ ( nik )

.

Eyebrows raised and lips parted softly are the only indication of his shock at her admission and for a moment he felt quite breathless. Words began to form and he could have voiced a hundred different responses, yet he could not speak. He had thought her feelings towards him were a girlish crush and after hearing about her sudden marriage of love so shortly after he had left, that assumption had been confirmed. Nik thought she had found her true love in her soldier husband and that any feelings towards him had been wiped clean. Maybe an attraction would remain but that was all, he had never expected that she might have loved him.

“You loved me?” The initial shock had begun to wear off and guilt hit him like a punch in the gut. If that was how she had felt for him, then by gods he must have hurt her so badly with his departure. Not only had he left, he had left her to get married. She must have felt so hurt, so betrayed and so broken. Nik could only hope that finding her husband had brought those shattered pieces back together, and then for her to go through the misfortune of losing him as well… it must have been torture. Nik had always been known as the type to leave a trail of broken hearts behind him, but he had never quite realised just how devastating that could be. “I don’t understand. Why would you love me?”

Nik had never thought of himself as the sort someone could love. An amusement, a brief attachment, maybe someone could believe in loving him for a short while, but it would all come crashing down in the end. No one wanted him for the long term, he was just used to scratch an itch and then tossed away. It was why he left before he could be discarded. Even his own wife hadn’t been able to stand him as a romantic partner and they had agreed to be friends who happened to be married, since it eased the pressure of being a good husband or wife.

But now was not the time to dwell, for Nik had amends to make. She had removed her hand but Nik clasped it back within his. “I am so sorry to have caused you such pain, I swear I did not realise. But you must not think less of yourself because of my actions, Pippa. You are enough and you always were. I am the one who was not good enough for you; I could never have made you happy or given you the life you deserved.” He could feel the truth of it in his bones, how her feelings would have passed sooner rather than later and she would have ended up trapped with him, absolutely miserable. He had seen it happen first hand with his wife and he still felt regret that he had not treated her better. “And you found someone who could give you what you wanted. It breaks my heart that your happiness with your husband was so short-lived.”

.

                         “  YES ,  OF  COURSE  I  LOVED  YOU .  ”  she  retorts with  conviction ,  finding  a  lump  rising  in  her  throat . had  he  really  not  seen ?  how  could  he  not  know ?  with  every  look  she  gave  him ,  every  embrace ,  every  word .  she  conveyed  it  as  clearly  as  she  thought  she  needed  to .  she  gambled  with  her  honor  &  her  reputation .  she  never  knew  if  he  had  loved  her  as  well ,  of  course  she  had  loved  him .  philippa  is  not  one  to  engage  in  romantic  endeavors -  not  without  affection -  and  she  had  fallen  for  nikolai . he  asks  her  how ,  and  she  scoffs .  her  cheeks  warm,  and  she  can  feel  the  sting  of  tears  in  her  eyes .  years  of repressed  emotion  flood  the  surface  in  an  instant. 

             “ I  LOVED  YOU  BECAUSE  IT  WAS  EASY  TO  LOVE YOU , NIK. ”  she  lifts  her  shoulders  in  a  shrug  that  feels  like  a  defeat . “ regardless of  how  you  may  view  yourself,  i  knew  you.    you  were  good. you  were  kind  to  me .  you  listened .  you  made  me  laugh ,  you  saw  me  clearly  as  i  saw  you - -  it  was  simple.  did  you  not  see it  in  my  eyes  every  time  you  came  to  me  ?  i  did  not  expect  that  you  loved  me ,  but  i  believe  i  made  it  abundantly  clear  that  i  was  completely  in  love  with  you .”  a  tear  does  track  down  her  cheek  now ,  and  she  laughs  pitifully . “ as  bull-headed  as  you  are ,  i  loved  you .  and  you  left  without  any  acknowledgement .  you  may  not  have  loved  me ,  but  i  was  owed  better  than  that . ” 

it  was  that  swift  departure ,  the  lack  of  finality  that  prompted  her  to  obscure  karolina  from  her  father . she  had  been written  off ,  and  assumed  that  karolina  would  receive  the  same . her  heart  beats  wildly  in  her  chest , emotion  she  had  not  prepared  for  overwhelming  her .  nikolai  grabs  her  hand ,  and  she  has  a  momentary  instinct  to  withdraw  it  from  his  grasp . but  she  lets  it  rest , hearing  what  it  is  he  has  to  say . she  does  not  respond  immediately ,  her  fingers  trembling  beneath  his .  she  feels  everything  all  at  once ,  and  has  no  means  of  expressing  it  all .  instead,  she  merely  sniffs ,  stares  at  the  ground . “ well ,  we’ll  never  know , what  life  might  have  been  like.  this  is  life  now .   it  doesn’t  matter ” she  bites  down  on  her  lip ,  turning  away  from  nikolai . “ you  overestimate  the  circumstances  of  my  marriage .  we  barely  knew  each  other ,  and   he  died  before  we  could .”  the  lie  burns ,  but  in  this  moment ,  everything  burns . 

       “ it  doesn’t  matter .  forget  i’ve  said  anything .  what’s  done ,  is  done ,  i  suppose . “

[jakegyllenhaal]

[earlsokolov]

@kindblooms​

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​ ( nik )

.

He was taken aback by her sudden exclamation, neither expecting the intensity nor the answer. A brief flutter of something in his chest that she wanted him to stay - Happiness? Pride? All too quickly dampened by her comment of him finding another swooning maiden. Her remark had a ring of truth in it as he knew his reputation and how he was perceived. No one could ever accuse him of being pure and chaste, but very few ever saw past his somewhat scandalous nature. He had just thought that she had been one of them.

The apology came as quickly as the cutting remark and he did his best to smile and shrug it off as he could hardly blame her for making such a comment. “I admit, I am not as pure as the driven snow.” A somewhat ironic statement given that they were currently surrounded by a white blanket of it. “But at least I’m honest about it. You wouldn’t believe the amount of so called ‘gentlemen’ who get up to activities more scandalous than I and keep them hidden. I just prefer to be open about it - what you see is what you get.” Another lie. How quickly they seemed to be coming. It was easier to let people believe that he was nothing more than a rake and a cad since it allowed him to be underestimated and to keep true feelings hidden under his flirtatious façade.

The warm contact of her palm against his cheek felt like a fiery beacon in the blistering cold and he rested his own hand atop hers, out of habit more than anything else. How often had they shared tender moments like this? It felt instinctive even all these years later. Her feelings towards him sounded so complex and he could only imagine how her thoughts must be racing around her head. “What do I see when I look at you?” Sadly his answer was more simple and he worried it was not as in-depth and convoluted so she might consider it a mockery. “I see you, Pippa. I see the same girl from all those years ago and it is like nothing has changed. I feel like you’re still the same person even if you’re trying to act like you’re not, although you are definitely not as susceptible to my charm as you once were.” A little joke, to try to lighten the mood that had become so solemn.

.

                 SHE  CAN’T  IMAGINE  THE  NIKOLAI  SHE  KNEW  to  be  something  of  a  lothario .  not  at  least ,  she  hopes ,  if  she  had  known  him  like  she  thought  he  had .  the  nikolai  she  knew  was  softer   than  what  he  made  himself  out  to  be  now ,  unafraid  to  spend  time  simply  talking .  twirling  her  curls  ‘round  his  fingers  with  the  utmost   care .  but  the  years  have  painted  him  into  something  of  a  rake ,  and  it  only  feeds  into  the  questions  that  have  burned  within  her  for  years. 

      “  i’m  sorry - “ she  apologizes  again .  “  you’ve  every  right  to  live  your  life  how  you  see  fit ,  and  i’ve  no  right  to  judge . “   she  had  no  claim  on  him -  it  was  irrational  to  criticize  his  choices ,  and  yet  he  did  make  a  choice  that  had  altered  her  for  years . his  palm  makes  contact  with  hers ,  and  her  breath  catches .  the  touch  is  something  so  familiar  &  foreign  in  the  same  instant .  she  half  expects  him  to  call her  poppy  again ,  to  press a  kiss to  her  forehead  like  so  many  years  ago . 

    he  begins  to  answer  her  question ,  and  she  stands  up  a  bit  straighter , tilting  her  head  as  if  she  is  ready  to  be  observed .  in truth ,  he  sees  her  rather  clearly .  years  of  bitterness   &  secrecy  have  hardened  her -- helped  her  create  an  exterior  that  does  not  match  the  person  she  truly  is . she  is  unchanged  &  much  changed  at  the  same  time . “ much  has  changed ,  however .  would  you  like  me  to  be  susceptible  to  your  charms ,  my  lord.  i’m  sure  i  can  muster  a  blush  or  a nervous  laugh ”  for  a  moment ,  faintly ,  she  smiles .  

“ i loved  you  quite  terribly ,  you  know. “  perhaps  this  is  the  wrong  moment ,  but  she  is  philippa ,  and  rarely  skips  an  opportunity  to  speak  her  mind .   whether  he  had  ever  felt  the  same  is  of  little  consequence:  this  is  her  truth . “ and  for  years  - -  i  was  so  angry  at  you .  i  had  so  many  questions  that  i  wanted  to  ask  you .  so  many  things  i  wanted  to call  you .  i  , foolishly ,  wanted  to  know  why  i  was  not  enough .”  she  shrugs  away  the  wistful  expression  that  settles  on  her  face ,  removing  her  hand  finally  from  his  face .  “  but  with  age  came  the  realization  that  i  would  likely  never  know  ,  and  that  would  merely  be  that . but  still ,  it  pains  me  to  look  at  you  knowing  that  i felt  as  i  did  and  lost  what  i  did.”  she  pauses ,  turns  her  gaze  away  from  him. “ does  it  ever  pain  you ?”

[kindblooms]

reqal​:

the      two      were      quite     often     one     in     the     same.      they     shared     many      things.     secrets     ,     stories     ,     thoughts     even.      –––––––       she     could     only       hope      it     were     true     …     that     others     saw     mikhail     in     a     better     light     than     his     father.     that     they     believed     anja     when     she      says      he’s     NOTHING     like      his     father.      she      didn’t      like      their     reluctance     ,      but     she     understood    it.      “      i     feel     as     though     i’m     getting     PLENTY     of     rest.     too     much    ,     even.    if     that    is     such     a     thing.     ”

                BEING  A  COMFORT  TO  ANJA  IS SECOND  NATURE .  it  comes  easily ,  with  little  thought  spared  for  the  right  thing  to  say  or  do .  they  merely  understood  each  other  in  a  way  that  only  true  friends  could.  wordlessly  and  without  any  need  to  explain .   another  squeeze  of  anja’s  hand ,  and  she  nods .  “  they  will  see  him  for  what  he  is ,  my  queen .  but  you  will  give  them  the  strength  to  believe  it. ”  she  shakes  her  head .  “  your  reign  begins  in  the  wake  of  shadow  and  destruction ,  but  you  are  light ,  anja .  you  can  &  will  do  this . ”  she  has  no  doubt  in  this .  “ but  i  must  insist  upon  you  not  overexerting  yourself “  her  eyes  wander  uneasily  to  anja’s  waist .  she  cannot  bear  to  see  another  heartbreak .  not  when  she  has  held  her  hand  through  so  many . 

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​ ( nik ) 

.

She didn’t look at all well and he was wondering if it might be best to seek out a physician as she looked ready to drop at any moment. He stayed close so that he would be able to catch her if that moment occurred. The freezing cold was enough to clear the head, but did not help much else and Nik didn’t want her to stay out here for too long. Removing his jacket, he draped it over her shoulder so Pippa would at least have some protection from the chill while she needed to be out here.

Her tone and attitude towards him seemed to flip back and forth at a near constant rate, and he could not be entirely certain where he stood with her. Was he despised? Was she indifferent? He was finding it impossible to tell. “My Stefan turns five very soon, I am sure they would get along.” Six years old. A short burst of mental mathematics and he realised Pippa must have been with child very shortly after he’d left. This soldier of hers must have been quite the romantic to charm her so quickly.

“You’re welcome.” He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, wanting to talk to her about the past but also not wishing to jeopardize her health any further. “I can seek out someone else to keep you company out here if you would rather I leave. I admit I am getting the feeling that you don’t want me near you.” For all his teasing and flirtation, if he was told to leave then he would. He might be a rake, but he still knew how to be a gentleman.

                      SHE  DRAWS  THE  JACKET  CLOSER  TO  HER  FORM . it  is  still warm  from  him - -  and  the  gesture  feels  oddly  intimate . she  remembers  times  when  what  kept  her  warm  was  him .  times  of  laughter  in spite  of  war .  joy  in  the  presence  of  uncertainty .  and  it  stings .  it  sings  because  he’d  abandoned  it -  them . 

he  asks  if  he  should  find  another  companion ,  and  she  quickly  interjects . ‘  no ! ’  it  comes  out  with  more  intensity  than  she  intended  .  she  ought  to  have   said  yes ,  thank  you .  but  in  his  presence  she  finds  herself  conflicted .  there  is  so  much  left  unsaid  between  them ,  a  part  of  her  that  still cares  more  than  it  ought  to ,  and  there  is  a  part  of  her  that  knows  further  communication  may  only  jeopardize  the  precarious  life  she  has  built  for  herself . ‘ i  don’t  mean  to  be  any  trouble ,   besides ,  if  you  left  me  alone  you’d  certainly  find  another  swooning  maiden  to  rescue , &  then  where would  we  be ?’ 

again ,  she  speaks  without  thinking .  her  mind  is  a  fog ,  and  she  quickly  puts  a  palm  to  her  cheek , exhaling  and  watching  the  cloud  of  cold  that  swirls  in  the  air  as  she  does  so . ‘  forgive  me ,’  she  states ,  moving  closer  to  him . ‘ that  was  unkind. ‘   she  is  a  lady  at  court ,  of   course  she’s  heard  that  the  earl  has  quite  a  reputation  with  the  ladies . the  thought  does  provoke  other  questions -  had  it  been thus  when  they  were  together ?  had  she  been  just  another  girl ?  

improper  as  it  may  be ,  she  moves  closer  to  him ,  and  rests  her  palm  against  his  cheek ,  an  apology . surely   their   familiarity  alone  would  allow  for  that.  ‘ truthfully ,  i  am  finding  it  difficult  to  be  near  you .  i  have  so  many  questions - -   so  much  that  i  still , - . . . well never mind.’ she  breathes ,  attempting  to  level  herself.  ‘  i  look  at  you  and  i  can  somehow  still  see  everything  that  was ,  as  well  as  everything  that  wasn’t . and it  pains  me  to  think  of  it .  but  i  also  see you  now ,  and  know  that  much  has  changed  &  find  myself  confused  and . . .’  she  leaves  it  alone ,  there .  another  breath  ‘ is  it  not  strange  for  you ?  when  you  look  at  me  -  what  do  you  see?’ 

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​: ( nik )

.

He noted the slight awkwardness in her positioning and cursed himself for bringing up what was surely a sore subject for her, especially when she revealed that her husband had never known their child. “I am truly sorry that he never got that opportunity.” Even if was a little perturbed by her sudden marriage of love and likely wouldn’t have been the most cordial to her husband had he ever met him, Nikolai would not wish missing out on seeing your child on his worst enemy. He had been present for the birth of both of his children and vividly remembered how surprised he had been when he held his son in his arms for the first time, and his whole worldview shifted. To feel so completely devoted to the infant cradled in his arms had not been a feeling he’d expected, but he would not go back and change it for the world.

“My little Stefan is like a rabbit just running here, there and everywhere. My Katerina is still an infant, not quite a year old yet but she can entertain me for hours with her babbling nonsense.” Listening to her trying to form words as his son ran around the room always made for an entertaining evening. “Your daughter is how old? Five or six? Stefan is only a little younger, we should let them play together in the gardens. They are sure to get on since they sound so similar in personality.” He laughed. “I was always a mischievous child as well, my son and your daughter must both get that nature from their fathers.”

She looked suddenly pale and Nikolai’s expression of amusement quickly turned to one of concern. It was very warm and crowded in here, maybe some fresh air would do her good. But he couldn’t let her go alone, what if she were to faint out there in the snow? Resting his hand on her lower back, Nikolai guided her out of the room and towards the gardens, away from the bustle of the celebrations so she might get some fresh air. “And before you protest, I will stay with you until you feel better. We can’t have you collapsing with no one else around to help.”

                        THE  SUDDEN  DIZZINESS  -  BROUGHT  ON  BY  A  SUDDON REUNION  and  talk  of  children .  the  realization  that  her  life  could  crumble  should  she  misstep ,  the  pain  that  accompanied  simply  looking  at  him .  what  right  had  he  to  continue  to  tug  at  her  heart ,  when ,  according  to  all  that  she  has  heard ,  she  does  not  tug  at  his ?  she’s  feeling  faint ,  and  cannot  think  to tell  him  not  to  accompany  her .  in  fact ,  she  finds  herself  leaning  slightly  into  the  hand  that  guides  her  away  from  the  heat  and  buzz of  the  room .  

once  she  is  in  the  cold  of  the  evening ,  letting  the  air  turn  her  nose  and  cheeks  pink ,  she  runs  her  hands  over  her  arms.  ‘  to  answer  your  question ,  karolina  is  only  just  six .’  her  head  reels  at  the  thought  that  only  months  after  his  separation  with  her ,  he  had  made  a  child  with  another  woman .  something  about  it  stings -  to  think  of  what  life  might  have  been  were  circumstances  different . the  lightheadedness  returns  with  a  full  force . a  breath  “ and  i‘ve  missed  you ,  too.”

bare  fingers  grasp   a  stone   sculpture .  chest  heaving  as  she  attempts  to  catch  her  breath .  it  is  all  too  close.  the  parts  of  her  life  both  involving  him  too  near  to  intersecting  in  a  way  that  they  were  never  meant  to . nikolai  had  married ,  which  meant  karolina  was  a  bastard  nuisance  from  some  fling ,  rather  than  the  legitimized  daughter  of  an  earl . months.  how  could  she  jeopardize  her  daughter  ?  so  she  lied . 

  once  her  breathing  has  calmed  ,  she  casts  a  wayward  glance  at  nikolai .” thank  you ,  nik. “ her  voice  is  softer  now ,  more  familiar  than  it  has  been.  finally ,  an  acknowledgement  that  they  were  more  than  passing  acquaintances -  that  they  had  been.   but  then  the  bitterness returns, the  remorse. ” quite  the  gentleman  still ,  i  hear .  “

[kindblooms]

 earlsokolov· ( nikolai )

.

He noted the moment of softness in her features and wondered if he had broken through this hard shell she had put around herself. Maybe they had not left things on the best terms, but it was the unspoken way of things - he had always known that when the time came he would agree to his mother’s plans for an arranged marriage. The Sokolov’s were an ambitious family, and if he could help to raise them even higher through a political marriage, then he would, and had.

Her condolences were surprising but not unwelcome. “Thank you. She may not have been the great love of my life, but she was a good friend to me, and a good mother to our children. The loss of her was painful.” Even arranged marriages needed compromise, and the two of them had come to an arrangement of friendship that had worked for them. “I was sorry to hear of your husband’s passing as well.” Another lie. Even if he’d had to end things with her for the sake of his upcoming wedding, he had been shocked to hear that she had married and had a child so soon after they had parted. He couldn’t be irritated at her marrying, but the fact that it was a love match in such a short space of time just hadn’t sat well with him and something felt amiss about it.

“Very well, just the usual struggles of being the only parent trying to keep up with two small children.” Although he wouldn’t change that for the world, his children were his pride and joy and the most cherished things in his life. “And you? I heard you and your husband had a child of your own some years ago? It is not an easy task to raise children alone.” He knew that from his own experience so he hoped she wasn’t struggling.

                          SHE  OFTEN  WONDERED  IF  HE  THOUGHT  OF  HER. if  their  time  spent  together  had  meant  something .  if  the  reputation  he  garnered  now  was  to  believe ,  she  could  not  be  sure .  she  could  not  know  if  her  attachment  had  been  quite  as  reciprocal .  she  wonders  if circumstances  were  different ,  would  he  have  stayed ? surely ,  she  thinks  of  him .  how  can  she  not ,  when  karolina  sprouts  a  head  of  thick ,  dark  hair  and  a  smile  that  so  resembles  his ? there  are  glimpses  of  her  mother  there ,  surely .  in  the  eyes  and  the  upturned  nose ,  but  in  resemblance ,  she  is  nikolai’s  daughter . 

again ,  her  fingers  fidget  as  he  mentions  his  wife . she  shuffles  her  weight  from  one  side  to  the  other . “ love  matches  are  a  rare  blessing  to  those  who  can  afford  them  in  our  station , to  have  a  friend  &  partner  is  a  different  sort  of  blessing .  i’m  sure ,  one  that  is  sorely  missed. ”  nikolai  brings  up  her  own  husband ,  and  her  stomach  flips ,  the  color  draining  from  her  cheeks .  it  is  the  biggest ,  and  only  real  lie  she  has  ever  told.  the  weight  of  it  is  exhausting ,  but  what  options  did  she  have ?  nikolai  was  already  headed  toward  his  marriage  bed  as  she  found  that  she  was  with-child .  “ thank  you , ” she  mutters ,  swallowing  thickly . “ admittedly ,  we  did  not  know  each  other  as  well as  we  could .  it  all  happened  quite  quickly.  it  was  a  fondness , mostly , - we  had  hoped  to  be  newlyweds  once  he  returned ,  but  we  were  not  so  fortunate . he  did  not  live  to  meet  his  daughter , “  she  feels  absolutely  sick  by  the  lie ,  her  face  continuing  to  pale .  she  thinks ,  if  she  has  to  speak  on  it  further ,  she  may  truly  swoon. 

          “  i  must  say ,  it’s  difficult  to  imagine  you  chasing  after  young  children , ”  it’s  a lie ,  for  she  does  imagine  it.   she  has  imagined it.   nikolai , with  karolina  on  his  knee .  reading  her  stories  &  chasing  her  throughout  the  garden .  “though ,  i  imagine  you’re  well  suited  for  the  task. ”  something  about  the  encounter  makes  her  want  to  collapse  into  tears .  there  is  so  much  she  wants  to  say ,  and  so  many  emotions  that  she  has  repressed  that  bubble  up  to  the  surface . “ my  daughter  is  my  greatest  joy ,  though  she’s  far  from  easy .  she’s  beginning  to  develop  a  rambunctious  spirit . . .”  again ,  she  feels  a  lightness in  her  head ,  and  quickly  touches  a  palm  to  her  cheek .  “ while  you  may  interpret  this  as  a means  of  skirting  conversation , i  do  think  i  am  in  need  of  some  air . . .”

[kindblooms]

reqal​ (  queen  anja   ) 

a      smile     creeps      on     the     queens     face.      it     was     pippa    that     knew     her    best.     a     soft    chuckle.     “     perhaps     later.     i    believe     our     presence    is     necessary     …     they     have     every     right     to     be    wary     of     us.     if     i     were     them    i     would    be     too.     ”      she     knew     the    queen     leaving    such    an     event    EARLY      would     not     be    received     well.      “     though    it’s     quite     tempting.    ”

                      “ THEN ,  WE  SHALL  BE  UNEASY  TOGETHER . ”  it’s  a  simple  resolution .  in  their  lives ,  whatever  anja  felt ,  pippa  understood  &   felt  as  well .  “  but ,  if  you  need  me  to ,  just  brush  your  nose  and  i’ll faint  immediately .” she  leans  in  closer  to  anja . “ your  presence  here  is  a  show  of  good  faith -  of  strength ,  majesty .  we  can  only  hope  that  others  look  to  you  &  king  mikhail  and  see a  brighter  future .”  a  pause  ,  before  she  smiles  gently.  “  and  they  will ,”  then ,  surreptitiously,   she  finds  a  way  to  take  hold  of  anja’s  hand ,  give  it  a gentle  squeeze . “ but  you  must  not  overexert  yourself ,  my  darling . you  need  rest .” 

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​: ( nikolai )

“My lord? Is that all I get?” Such formality between them had not been the norm the last time he had seen her. They had been the very definition of informality back then. It seemed a lifetime ago and yet in only a few years so much had changed - he had married, had children and lost his wife in the time it had been since they were last together. He had often thought of seeking her out, but didn’t think she would take to kindly to him as a married man and since becoming a widower he’d had his hands full with his children and hadn’t been able to go back to the palace.

“I am sure Queen Anja can survive without you for a little while. I think my mother wanted to speak to her anyway so that’s probably where she’ll be.” A complete lie, but if he could market it as the truth then she might stay a while longer. “I must say that my spirits are lifted seeing you again.” He almost reached out to twirl one of her curls around his finger but stopped himself before he could. A force of habit; how many times had they been curled close against each other as he ran his fingers through those dark curls? So many memories were coming flooding back, things that he hadn’t thought of in years. “I’ve missed you, poppy.”

                          “IT  SEEMS  THE  MOST  APPROPRIATE  FORM  OF  ADDRESS, NO ? ” given  the  time  and  space  that  has passed ,  she  can not  think  of  the  words  that  had  been .  but  she  remembers  with  startling  clarity ,  the  way  that  she  felt  when  he  walked  away  for  the  last  time .  when  he  left  her  with  heartache  and  a  great  problem  to  solve .  still ,  her  fondness has not  dissolved  entirely . “hello  ,  nik.”  she  offers  gently ,  her  voice  a  near-whisper . it  is  a  compromise  between  two  extremes . for  a  moment ,  her  face  softens .

       there’s  almost  a  trance-like  haze  that  settles over  her ,  being  once  again  in  his  presence  after  so  long . her  anger  is  quelled ,  if  only  slightly -  enough  to  make  the  exchange  civil .  because  the  truth  of  the  matter  was  that  she  had  missed  him ,  too . but  the  wounds  have  not  healed ,  not  entirely ,  and  looking  at  him  for  too long  threatens  to  reopen  them . “ in  truth ,  i  had  not  imagined  what  the  state  of  your  spirits  would  be ,  should  we  meet  again .”  ever - kind ,  she  cannot  avoid  the  obvious .  she  nearly  reaches  for  his  hand ,  but  retracts  it  quickly .              “ my  condolences  for  your  loss .  to  lose  a  spouse  is  a  terrible  thing. ”  pippa  is  quickly  drawn  from  her  thoughts ,  from  the  moonstruck  gaze -  he’s  missed her ? bitterness  begins  to  creep  in  once  more , settling  in  her  bones .  “  you  have ?  forgive  my  surprise ,  but  you’ve  made  no  indication  of  such  .”  she  wants  to  say  i ‘ ve  missed  you  too - -   there’s  something  i  need  to  tell you , but  she  is  not  ready . not  when  the  shock  is  so  fresh .  “  i  am  glad  to  see that  you  are  well .” 

[kindblooms]

earlsokolov​: ( nikolai ) 

This wedding was far grander than his own had been but then again he supposed to people involved in this one actually cared. He’d left all the planning of his to his mother and mother-in-law and had just shown up, barely noticing the finer details. It was all political anyway, everyone at that wedding knew it wasn’t happening for love.

He sipped his wine as he walked through the crowd when a sudden figure collided with his chest, and Nikolai had to quickly swing his glass away so they weren’t both doused in red wine. He didn’t need a repeat of that incident. But even through just a brief glance before her head turned away, Nikolai had recognised his pint-sized assailant.

It was a face he hadn’t seen in years, but he was more than a little familiar with Lady Philippa so it was amusing to him that she would think a quick duck of the head would conceal her identity from him. “Leaving so soon, poppy?” A little extra stress on the last word was all he needed to indicate that her plan hadn’t worked and he had recognised her instantly. The term of endearment was likely to be as familiar to her as her own name.

                 POPPY . it  stops  her  dead  in  her  tracks ,  and  she’s  sure  that  he’s  noticed .  how  many  times  was  the  pet  name  uttered  gently  into  her  ear ?  how  many  times  had  she  imagined  it ,  and  then  attempted  to  forget  it  since  ?  her  whole  frame  tenses ,  the  hand  holding  her  skirts  clenching  into  a small first  before  dropping  them . in  a  swirl  of  fabric  and  dizzying  thoughts ,  she  turns .  she  steels  herself  for  this  encounter ,  biting  back  bitter  words  in  the  presence  of  polite  company . 

       “ my  lord ,”  she  offers  a  polite ,  albeit  strained  smile ,  dipping  into  a  half-curtsy . tensely ,  she  looks  over  her  shoulder ,  as  if  trying to  find  a means  of  escape -  an  excuse  to  remove  herself . she  finds  none ,  and  folds  her  hands  in  front  of  her . 

          “  forgive  me,  i  did not  recognize  you.”  again  the  words  are  spoken  with  some  bite ,  a  blatant  lie .  of  course  she  recognized  him .  how  could  she  not ?  “ are  you  well ? ”  she  brushes  her  curls  over  one  shoulder ,  finding  that  she  cannot  seem  to  keep  her  hands  still .  her  heart  beats  so  loudly  she  can  hear  it  in  her  ears ,  feel  it  thumping  in  the  back  of  her  throat.  another  wayward  look  is  given  over  her  shoulder “ you’ll  have  to  forgive  me ,  but  i  do  not  have  much  time  to  be  idle .  i  believe  queen  anja  to  be  in  need  of  me ,  and  i  am  in  her  service .  ” 

[kindblooms]

                  PIPPA  HATES  THESE  SORT  OF  GATHERINGS .  charming  as  she  is ,  moments  like  these  are  where  the  deception  hangs  heavily  on  her  shoulders . watching  a  couple  be  joined  should  be  a  beautiful  thing ,  and  yet   she  can  only  think  of  her  farce .  in  the  gloom  of  her  thoughts , she  loses  track  of  anja .  it  is  a  co-dependent  bond  that  the  two  share ,  she  relies  on  the  queen’s  comfort  just  as  she  relies  on  philippa.  

           delicate  hands  wringing  together ,  she  searches  amongst  a  sea  of  heads ,  feeling  a  bit  like  a  child  who  has  lost  her  mother  in  a  crowd .  small of  stature ,  she  keeps  her  gaze  upward ,  trying  to  spot  the  glint  of  a  crown ,  or  a  familiar  ,  distinctive  head  of  hair .  in  her  haste ,  she  makes  contact  with  another  figure .  and ,  upon  realizing  their  identity ,  her  heart  STOPS . 

    eyes  widen  with  something  akin  to  terror ,  the  slightest  tinge  of  sadness turning  tight  lips . she  dips  her  head ,  as  if  to  avoid  being  seen. “ apologies ,  my  lord ,”  she  murmurs , pulling  her  skirts up  with  her  hand , before  trying  to  push  herself  through  the  fray  and  away  from  heartache  that  could  very  well turn  catastrophic . 

@earlsokolov​