Not Today.

[kindbutnot]

[kindbutnot]

I'll give myself a niacin flush in the middle of winter to remember what the beach feels like.

[kindbutnot]

My FedEx updates:

12:34 - Your package has been delivered!

16:21 - We think it's been delivered. Go look outside again, fatty.

18:25 - Your neighbors are thieves, go question them about it.

19:36 - Ok, your package was actually just delivered right now.

[kindbutnot]

I deleted my Uber app and added chia seeds to a Michelob Ultra. I'm dying here.

[kindbutnot]

If I can't drink at my nephew's two-year-old birthday party, then I'm definitely not going.

[kindbutnot]

In the realm of household duties, I'm more of a Mike Rowe while she gets to remain the elegant and classy Marie Kondo.

[kindbutnot]

Whenever someone makes fun of my sweet little boy cat.

[kindbutnot]

[kindbutnot]