Aftercare is what happens after any kind of play or sex (even vanilla!). Aftercare is not just a bdsm term, everyone should have aftercare. Aftercare is for everyone, subs and doms. It’s the act of taking care of your partner after a scene or sex in general. It can be physical or vocal, but is meant to support & soothe emotional and mental needs.
Why is aftercare important?
Aftercare is not only important but necessary after play. As a dom, aftercare is my favorite part of the dynamic. But, I have learned that a lot of subs don’t realize doms need aftercare too! Aftercare is reassurance for both parties. At the end of this post, there’s a list of aftercare ideas. To further explain, aftercare serves as a reminder that each party enjoyed the play that just happened and neither are harmed or uncomfortable! Both parties need to feel like they did good and that both people feel safe. This is not the time to have an in depth conversation about what just happened, though. Keep the conversation light but with your partners well-being in mind. This goes for online play too. Clean each other up (or if you’re like me— take the time to clean up your sweet baby and praise tf out of them). subs— tell your dom you enjoyed the play, you’re okay, or just a simple thank you. If you’re non-verbal during this: this next part will help!
How do I establish aftercare?
Not everyone enjoys the same kind of aftercare. Physical aftercare like kissing, applying lotion, cuddles, is sometimes very over stimulating for some people.
Verbal aftercare like reassurance, asking questions, asking a sub to speak directly after play can also people overwhelming for people who go non-verbal during and after play.
So how do you know what someone prefers? Talk to your partner! Even if it’s a one-off kind of thing, a FWB, a kink dynamic, or a romantic relationship discuss before hand what your partner prefers.
You can do this by starting a sentence with: “After play/sex I need _____” or “I feel better when you do _____ after play.” (There are many other ways to do this as well!)
What if I don’t like aftercare?
Again, there are many types of aftercare! you don’t like physical touch or conversation afterwards? hey! that’s okay! Aftercare should always include hydration of some kind and maybe a snack! There are so many different forms aftercare.
make sure both parties feel comfortable, safe, and supported
hydrate!! water or gatorade are both excellent choices (water is good for you & Gatorade replenishes electrolytes)
cleaning (leave the room a mess, but if your partner prefers their body to be clean then this can be done.)
communication of some kind
for harder scenes (ex. pain play, impact play, rope play, etc.) please check your partner for any signs of physical harm. have a first aid kit ready.
do your research, know your stuff. don’t participate in play you don’t fully understand or feel fully comfortable doing. have a complete understanding of aftercare and what the scenes you do will require afterwards.
never leave your partner alone after play
There are far more than I am listing, these are here to generate further ideas! Again, aftercare is different for everyone so these may not be for you!
showering with your partner
taking a bath or running a bath for your partner
applying lotion (good for impact play!)
putting a blanket or clean clothes in a dryer so afterwards you or your partner feels warm and safe
watching a comfort movie/show
cuddles, kisses, playing with their hair
praise, praise, and more praise
hydrate!! this is SO important!
ask questions about what just happened (keep it light because subspace/domspace)
reaffirming/reassuring language in the conversation
watch a movie together (there’s apps for this like discord or you can start it at the same time)
video or phone call (even if you’re just staring at each other in silence)
have your partner get water and a snack before hand so it’s ready for them
praise, praise, and more praise!!
play an online game together
have your partner have warm clothes or a warm blanket ready before hand
clean up supplies ready before hand
reassurance is so important for both parties when you’re long distance or participating in online play
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