Kintsugi for my thoughts

24

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I hate myself. Someone please talk to me

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I tried to go watch Suzume by myself today. I booked a ticket and i went to the theatre and i sat down and the movie started. But i just couldnt do it. It was so crowded and the people beside me seemed like such assholes and someone was sitting on my seat so i had to sit on a different seat. It was so uncomfortable surrounded by all these strangers. And the theatre was so small. I just couldnt take it. I got up and came home. I thought i could go see a movie on my own, but i just couldn't. Sigh.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

my ex gf just told me that she hooked up with 2 guys recently... now i dont look down on women having casual sex... but im just surpised she had it in her. I thought I knew her, but i guess i didnt.. i just cant imagine her doing something like this. And she sneaked a guy into her parent's house and fucked him. And she didnt even really wanna have sex. I just find it so... slutty. I was really surpised that she did this.. like i could never imagine her hooking up with multiple men. I have to say I have lost some respect for her. It's just so.. slutty. The thought of her doing that just makes me feel so eww. Maybe i need to distance myself from her. Maybe i need to distance myself from everyone.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I am a rock, i am an island

i want to build walls, i want to build a fortress deep and mighty

where i touch no one, and no one touches me

just me, and myself and I all alone

and my tea and my manga and my anime and my weird obscure songs

and the clear skies and the rainy skies and the snowy skies

in my room, safe within my room

and my hair long and tied up in fun ways

and a piano and all the time in the world

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I want to go far far away from here, from these people, from this city

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I've been thinking about this. I have a pretty shit life. I dont have any good friends. I dont go out on weekends, i dont party, i dont smoke weed, i dont have sex, i dont go to concerts, i dont have good relationships, i dont have a good relationship with m family, i am not being promoted, im not doing great at my job, i'm not very hot, i'm skinny af, im not fit, no one texts me, no one calls me, i dont like myself, i dont go on dates, i dont have fun, i'm not happy, i dont like myself, i dont like the people around me, i dont like the city i live in, i dont feel like i belong here, i dont fit in, i dont look like the people around me, i'm not happy on the inside, im not content with what ive accomplished in my life. My life is pretty shit.

So maybe i should just change my life. Maybe I should go far away and get a new life with new people. I think i need to do that to get happy. I think i need to go far away. I think i need to do this. I think i need to do my masters and fuck off far away to a different land and meet people who i truly like. I think i need to find a place where i belong

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I'm so tired of this life, this city, this apartment, these people. I want to move somewhere far.. to a pretty place with nice people who are like me

[kintsugiformythoughts]

Life feels a bit tough right now and there's a lot of work i need to do. I dont really like the people around me. karo doesn't talk to me much these days, i dont know why. but i feel 70% in control right now. My mind is in control.

But still, i keep going bad. My brain keeps wanting to kill myself. I keep wanting to die, i keep thinking of dying, i can't stop hating myself. I can't stop hating myself. Every few hours my brain will think of something bad and my head will start imploding. It hurts, it feels like my brain is collapsing, compressing on itself.

Life doesnt feel very painful right now, but i don't feel happy either. I dont feel i have anything in my life to be happy about.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

Karo, why don't you talk to me more? Why dont you text me more? I think you like me as a person and as a friend, so why don't you text me more? I dont get it. Do you really like me? Or do you just not think about me outside work hours at all? Maybe you don't care about me at all. maybe i'm just a pathetic coworker to yoy

[kintsugiformythoughts]

God I find karo so pretty. Her big eyes, her chocolate colored skin, her pretty layered hair, her mid sized boobs... she's so delicious.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I hate Karo. She treated me like shit these last few days. She said I look more normal when i'm drunk. How dare she. Fuck her. What does that even mean? What's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with the way I am that I need to be drunk? Fuck her.

She also treated me really bad when we went out to a club recently. I was really drunk and it was late at night and she just abandoned me at the side of the road and went home. I would never abandon her like that if she was that drunk. I guess she really doesn't care about me at all. I dont think anyone really cares about me. Idk I thought she cared a bit, but I guess i'm really nothing to her. but fine, great, my crush is gone now. I feel terrible again now. everything is grey again now. nice

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I feel so bored. There's nothing i really want to do today. I guess the only thing i want to do is sleep. Maybe I'll go on a walk today. I wish I could rent someone to hang out with me

[kintsugiformythoughts]

Karo I saw you today as well, we talked and had tea together. You looked really pretty today also. I hope you told me more about yourself and your life- you don't tell me anything real. I made a joke today and you smiled at me. I burned the image of your smiling face into my brain. I like seeing you smile and laugh. I also like seeing your intense concentrating face. I like seeing you anytime anywhere anyhow. I like you so much.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I had breakfast with karo today and yesterday. I got up and went to office extra early today to have breakfast with her.. and it was totally worth it. we sat together and talked and ate. It was like a date. And then later we went for some tea together again. Just the 2 of us. It was like a second date the same day. I felt really happy. Just sitting there in the sun, drinking tea and talking to her.. just me and her. Noone else. Just us alone and the rest of the world didnt exist for that time. She looked very pretty I thought. Her dress, her hair, her earings. She was wearing a pink bra I think, which i caught a glimpse of. I felt really happy. I dont think she likes me that way and I dont even want to be in a relationship with her. I just want her as a friend that I admire. Anyways, i dont know what to talk to her about. I wish she told me more about her life, i wish we had some deeper conversations. I always feel she's putting on a facade, she probably is. I know I am. I just wish she'd be a bit more real with me. Just a little.

Anyways, seeing her and talking to her once a day is enough for me to get out of bed.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I had tea with Karo this morning haha, it was the perfect start to my day. It was totally like a date. I'm glad I woke up early today. She looked so pretty

But i need to make sure I'm not making it obvious that I'm in love with her.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

I hate my life and I hate this world and I hate people and I want to die. I don't think it's worth living in a world like this with people like this.

[kintsugiformythoughts]

A girl in my office killed herself a few days back. And no one seems to be bothered by it. They sent a mail to the team at 6.40pm on a monday and at 11am on tuesday there was a condolence meeting for her that lasted 15 minutes in which a few people said some generic funeral type things. 8 people reacted to that mail with a sad face emoji. Her death was only allowed to take 1 hour and 20 minutes from our work hours. They sent that mail late at night so it wouldn't take any hours away from monday- so it would have the least effect on our "productivity". And then after that meeting on tuesday morning everyone went back to work and noone talked about her, and everyone acts like that never happened. I knew her, I had spoken to her- she seemed like a very nice and smart person. I think she deserved more than 1 hour and 20minutes of mourning. I think she deserved a lot more. Noone seems to be bothered by it, even the people who used to work with her. Why didn't they just give us the day off? Why didn't they talk about her more? Why does no one seem to care? Are people really that selfish and uncaring? If i died would any of these people give a shit? I hate this world and I hate people- most of whom have no empathy for anyone other than themselves.