it's within the fall that i rise

a diary of sorts married to my bff + cat mom of 2 located in california's central valley about me | reminders

[kizztheskies]

Hello Tumblr!!! Wow I don’t remember the last time I was on here.

[kizztheskies]

Everyone’s having their first baby and their second baby and having girls nights with their group of BFFs and eating healthy and killing it and I’m over here like hey lol my depression and anxiety is officially just as bad as it was 5 years ago and I’ve made absolutely no forward progress in my life as an adult at all nice to meet you.

[kizztheskies]

Hey hi hello. A few months have probably past since my last post so here I am checking in again. As always, I miss Tumblr. Here’s my cat, Jesse, sleeping on me. I’ve technically been on vacation for over a week now but really I just stayed home the whole time. It was awesome and I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. How are you guys? Miss you (whoever is still here).

[thebootydiaries]

[the sky is grey and it's cold outside]

me: yesssss

[the wind picks up and it starts to rain]

me: Y ESSSSSSS

[kizztheskies]

The worst part of being so distant from Tumblr is when I finally open my app again only to find that 5 new porn blogs started following me like 3 weeks ago. Why is this still a thing?

[kizztheskies]

Romance isn’t dead.

[just-shower-thoughts]

All jobs involving customers are basically underpaid acting gigs.

[kizztheskies]

There is something I wanted to share. I wanted to write this so that there would be a record of the day but didn’t want to necessarily share it with anyone. So naturally Tumblr is somehow the answer.

My birthday was last weekend. I actually don’t like my birthday. I get sad and anxious around my birthday for reasons and I just don’t like it. But this one was good. The best I’ve had in a long time. And from an outsider’s perspective, it was so lame and unimpressive.

Matt and I went furniture shopping for our house. So lame, right? But I loved it. Mostly because Matt and I laughed the whole time. That guy can make me smile and laugh like it’s his job. We drove a total of 5 hours (2.5 each way) and tested out different couches and I got to point out some design elements I really love and what I want to incorporate into our house and it was nice because he does NOT have an eye for design and has a hard time picturing my ideas so it was helpful for both of us to see some in person. But really the best part of the day was just how Matt treated me. I think he really made a point to make me feel special and important because he knows I hate my birthday. I just felt very loved by him and could tell that was exactly how he wanted me to feel. I even dragged him into Urban Outfitters and stood in a 5-person long line for a fitting room and he didn’t even sigh once!!! Ha. But really. I laughed so hard and felt so loved and it wasn’t because of a single special or significant thing. No cake or party or special present. It was all just because my bff loves me and that was all I really needed.

I’m a simple gal. Clearly.

[kizztheskies]

I miss Tumblr. I miss the friends I had here and the sort of community we shared. This was the only space I could really be myself (other than with Matt). I miss it. I still yearn for a kind of tribe. I still feel like the outsider of any given group. I still have 0 friends. I just keep my thoughts bottled up more now. I need a community who gets me.

[kizztheskies]

I know it’s a month later (🙄😑) but I haven’t opened the app since I posted this because I figured no one would see it but some of you did. And you even liked it and commented. 😭😭😭 Miss my Tumblr peeps. Y’all are seriously the best.

[kizztheskies]

I miss Tumblr. I miss the friends I had here and the sort of community we shared. This was the only space I could really be myself (other than with Matt). I miss it. I still yearn for a kind of tribe. I still feel like the outsider of any given group. I still have 0 friends. I just keep my thoughts bottled up more now. I need a community who gets me.

[kizztheskies]

I love my tiny family. I have nothing but them and they remind me that anything and anyone else is unnecessary. Matt and I were watching funny YouTube videos and I randomly started crying. It wasn’t obvious so I walked away and went into our dark bedroom and cried quietly for a few minutes. I went to grab a tissue and saw Mya sitting at the bedroom door peering in at me like, “You ok, ma?” I walked back to the bed and leaned against it and she came and rubbed against me. Eventually I walked back out to the living room where Matt was, grabbed my glasses, and sat next to him. He looked at me and asked, “You okay? (Yes) Why you crying? (Shrug) You wanna talk about it? (No) You wanna cuddle? (Yeah) You wanna watch this room get painted [on YouTube]? (Yeah) Ok, come here.” That’s the best. Someone who will offer support and comfort but won’t push you to spill your guts if you’re not ready but will still comfort you without babying you.

[kizztheskies]

In less depressing news, our house has started (not sure what the proper sentence would be here 🤔). Technically. There’s no walls or even a foundation yet. It’s just trenched. But I’m still excited. We leave for Minnesota this week and it’s going to be cold. It’s been like -22 with windchill for the past week. So I’m gonna go get a nice down parka tomorrow. I’m feeling so anxious and sad that I won’t see our cats.

Meh. That’s all I got for non-depressing right now.

[meekaleeks]

just a reminder that they were roommates

[iu]

other ppl on tumblr: have cliques groupchats @ each other all the time 

me: lonely hermit talks to myself reblogs memes

[kizztheskies]

Today I feel sad and lonely and forgettable and disliked and misunderstood and ignored. Nobody listens to me. Anything I say to anyone goes in one ear and out the other. I am the person who starts talking and gets interrupted and no one even notices. My heart hurts. This feeling made me miss this site. I’ve shared so much heartache here that this is where I’m drawn to now when I feel like this. Kind of dumb, but it makes sense. People have reached out to me and comforted me on this site more than anyone has IRL in years (besides Matt, obv).

I wish I had friendship. I wish I felt supported. I wish I felt valuable and like I mattered.

[chessys]

my favourite quality in a person is being that one person who listens to your story when no one else is paying attention and asks you to carry on if you start and get talked over

[kizztheskies]

Also I feel so disliked and forgettable and worthless today, so these customers are just the icing on top of my shit ass day.