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Graduation

Heart pounding, hands trembling, knees shaking, peripheries cold, brain jammed, vision blurry - everything felt weird as I walked down the auditorium as an MBBS graduate. It was scary - 5.5 years of comfort of medical school coming to an end. To think you’ve done and gone through so much in these years and finally tomorrow onwards there’s no reason for you to come back there! An eerie feeling of being lonely as everyone walks off on their own paths in life, some whose paths may cross and others whose would never again in your life.

Question - is everyone going through the same thing as I am? Is this stomach churning feeling present for everyone or just me? Aren’t the others scared and upset and happy at the same point? As I held my sheet of paper that mentions that I am a certified doctor now gave me butterflies and a very subtle tear - this journey was a long one. I’ve had some amazing memories and some to forget. But all this is secondary - what matters now is what I’m going to do after this. Am I capable enough to go out into the world and efficiently treat patients while maintaining my own sanity and peace of mind? Fuck yes. Because I am me. If there is anyone capable enough of handling all this pressure coming at them, it’s gotta be me. Because I am the best.

Then what are you scared of? Well, this empty feeling that has hit right now - who knows if I’ll find a bunch crazy enough to fill this emptiness ever. Do I want to let go of them? No. Do I have control over it? No. This empty feeling is the worst ever - It’s not sadness but the lack of happyness. Sadness can be treated with a dose of it’s exact opposite. Emptyness cannot - it is like a black hole which requires it’s own time to evaporate and dissipate. Until then, it just engulfs you - all you have to do is hold on until it does so.

While I’ve stayed strong and consoled the other crying souls with the simple fact that life goes on and all this is just the inevitable - maybe I haven’t convinced that to myself yet! I might not be ready to, but I don’t have time for it either. Life is fast, and you have to be up the pace with it if you want to achieve things in life. Big things are coming for all of us - all you’ve to do is be prepared for it. Easier said than done, but you’ve no choice. So pick up your socks, cry for sometime, be scared for some more, let the emptiness engulf you for even more - and then show a nice middle finger to all 3, let your confidence in yourself break these chains that hold you back, and fly like you have always meant to be. Go conquer the world.

The Maze

The angry waves crashed across his feet as he stood there, staring into infinity. His mind was in an emotional turmoil - whether to take a few steps forward or to go back and face it all. The former seemed way easier. Before he could go any further, in the distance he could see another person doing the same. As depressed as he was, he still couldn't just let that girl go ahead - at least before him! He paced towards her, preparing his speech to make her change her decision. But what good was a mind that was just as ready to do the same? He stopped her by the shoulder and turned her around. 'Excuse m..' His speech stopped, and his expression changed from anger to awe. Present in front of him was a woman with an unparalleled beauty. Her eyes shimmered such as to put the night sky to shame. Her hair flowed like a beautiful waterfall. Her sunkissed skin glowed golden brown. Only thing missing was a smile - in place of which was a blunt, blank expression - she showed no emotion what so ever. Now, being the man he was, he looked into her eyes to see what her story was - completely forgetting about his own. He was a good reader - he could make out the good from bad just by one's everyday, trivial actions. But today was different. He couldn't get through her perfect, dark-brown pupils. He tried talking to her - but all he could hear was his own voice echoing off the vast empty beach. He needed to know why he couldn't read her - what made her so special? What could she have possibly gone through to have chained herself inside like this? Was she just that shallow? Did she not have a form of her own? As these questions reflected and overshadowed the sounds of the sea, she finally held him by his face and looked into his eyes. The man's words diminished as he flashed through her life - he could hear voices crying in agony and the same ones screaming out of anger. The beach, the sun, waves went dim as he suddenly found himself stuck inside a maze - a maze where every corner seemed dark and full of pain. Every step he took, he could feel the cold air gushing against him - as a warning for the horrible truths he was to discover. He looked around at this empty soul - the scary little world it had been in and wondered what could have possibly gone wrong with it. He did not know what to do. He wished he had never gotten stuck in that maze in the first place! As he scrambled back out and the beach appeared, he could see tears trickle down her face - and he for sure, knew the gravity with which each tear was being shed. Without uttering another word, he held her hand and they both walked - towards what they deserved best.

When the skies lead you into the distant galaxies...

Déjà vu...

Have you ever had that total mind-fuck moment - when you are living a certain scene of your life and you suddenly realize that you have lived the EXACT SAME THING before!? Yes we do have a term for that – Déjà vu. But there is just so much more to this word than what meets the eye. Lately, I have had dreams much before they happen in reality, and I realize only at the end of it all, that it has already been “staged” in my mind – leaving me in a what-the-fuck-just-happened state. I mean, seriously! I’m pretty sure you would have experienced the same thing at some point of time in your life. And then you wonder to yourself – how did this happen? How can you see the future? Can your brain see the future? If yes, why not when you’re conscious? And, how does the brain see the future?

I decided to not probe into any sources before presenting my take on this entire thing – just to keep myself open to all possibilities.

As you read through, keep one thought in mind – we are all made up of atoms that probably have been in billions of other universes before finally becoming a part of us. What if these atoms somehow configured themselves to become “memory molecules”? These memocules probably have a brain of their own - in their charges, in their quarks. The law of energy conservation could then be applied to memory also – maybe all that you memorize is just stored as a specific configuration – waiting to either be changed. How? You die, your remains are inevitably to become part of the environment and from there, and they are bound to end up in someone else’s mind. As this “someone else” stores your memocules in them, they can use them to create their own memory (Or rather better said, transform yours into theirs). But what if they didn’t use that memocule for themselves? And what if the person subconsciously retrieves what is stored in this memory molecule? They see your memories. They see what you have seen. They hear what you have said. They see what you have done. And then, their misconception – they proclaim they have seen what their previous life was like when in fact, it was yours. Crazy right?

But how do you see the future then? Well, What if whatever we are doing is just continuous loop that starts from the big bang and ends at the big crunch and starts back with the bang? What if all the actions we do have already been done thousands of times before? What if the dinosaurs came into existence and then vanished - thousands of times, over and over? After all, these are just memocules – they do whatever they know and have been doing all these “generations”. So, maybe my memocule that has typed this article before has decided to do it again. Who knows? So if that’s true, when you’re sleeping, there’s a possibility that these memocules show you what have happened in the previous multiverse – and that the same thing happens again as it is the memocules that actually cause the event to happen too! Think of it as a con artist who predicts the future of a biscuit saying that it’s going to vanish into his pocket – and then puts it in his pocket without anybody noticing!

Another thought that came into my mind was what one of the most genius thinkers of our times Christopher Nolan came up with – a virtual world. Something like the internet – but more sophisticated. This virtual world is an extremely large web of interlinked souls. Now human souls are an interesting thing. Although nobody can prove their existence or non-existence, it’s still an intimate part of anyone’s life at some point of time or other. These souls, we don’t know what they are made up of – nobody knows. But, when it is time to question it, one usually would link the soul to emotions. Emotions are nothing but memories – memories blurred so much that you can remember nothing but the feel of it. You don’t remember why you first smiled or cried (Figuratively speaking) but you know what the emotion itself feels like to you. We slowly “learn” our emotions and blur out the events they are associated with. So, ultimately, it comes down to the fact that something that we denote to be a soul is actually a massive storehouse of all our memories. And when we sleep, our subconscious connects to the inner soul.

Now comes the fun part – link the two above theories into one. Imagine a soul that is made up of memocules and resides within ourselves. This soul connects us to a spirit world – a world where all the souls connect, and see each other’s memories. Maybe when you have a bad dream – that could have been a reality for someone else. Maybe the dinosaur you fought in the dream was an unaltered memocule from billions of years or multiverses ago. Maybe the weird looking alien is actually the love of another alien far far away and from a long time ago. And sometimes, coincidentally, no matter how small the probability, maybe the soul looked into a memocule of your own – and you see what is in store for you, and don’t forget it has all, already happened before.

So much to probe into. This is barely a start. But I shall leave you to ponder over it. Go, mindfuck yourself.

Like icing on a cake :)

National Coming Out Day!

Yes, I know this day stands for support of the LGBTQ+ community. BUT, I thought to myself - why not just have this day as a day to reveal everything about yourself? National coming out day. Haha. Okay, I’ll start off by tagging myself as a foul minded creature then. xD Anywhoo, well. Since nobody reads this, I guess I can be open to myself here. Yeah, I am socially awkward. Social quotient = 0. Most probably because I lost my faith in maintaining relationships from what I’ve seen all my life (Not much, but enough). I’ve tried doing it - getting close to at least one person in my life. Fail. Most probably because I’m lazy. With an interest span of a six year old. And, somehow, my face scares the living trust outta people. :P Laziness, I’d get a masters in it if there was one. But, I’d give anything to not be so (Ironic, yes). Jumble time. Girls - there were two I remember being crazy about. I love to give my time to everything I deem important. Most probably why I don’t excel at anything :’) But I don’t give. Yes, the amount of fucks in my savings account turned zero last year. Those two were not perfect at all. But, you know, there was something about them. I’m not a materialistic guy. Don’t get me wrong, I like stuff. My emotions are all packed and guttered into the deepest corners of my mind. They were hard to get, but eventually when they finally sparked back, my interest quotient gave in. I’d be happy even if I didn’t have any of the stuff. My happyness doesn’t depend on them. I channel all those emotions out through my writing, through jumping. My happyness lies in that little emotional aura around people. I’d love to tell both of them all this, but I just don’t have the guts to do so. That would explain why I have nightmares - the emotions reflecting off from the inside. A smile of a new born is much more satisfying than a brand new ps4. Heck, those two were the only ones who trusted me. I may not excel at any, but having enough experience in everything is more important to me. I once dreamt of an eight year old slicing the head off of a man with a throwing axe - yes, I wrote about that dream in one of my posts. If their trust was the only I got and that I broke - I don’t think I deserved the trust of any other - mostly because I don’t value it.

She said I was emotionally unstable and immature, I guess she’s right. But I’m happy here - in this small room with no one around. I don’t need others for my happyness, yes. But that doesn’t mean I shall not give others the same. That is one source of my happyness too and I’m running short of that feeling. Frequent IMS surges are another one of my problems. And well, I live with it.

No matter how deeply sad, happy, weird I’m feeling, you’ll never see it surface. There’s already so much for people to bear, I don’t want to add emotional turmoil on their heads. Wait, that be one more reason I don’t get close to people. :’) Oh oh. Food. I love food. Food is real happyness. Nope, not contradicting myself. It’s the feeling that food gives. But I can live without food for a week and I have done that. *Self-five* B| The only thing I am materialistic about - cheese! :D Okay written too much. Guess I came out too much. haha. kbye.

Ripple.

I believe that every person has a side to them that is best left undiscovered, yet should be known about. I believed that the reason why you don't see this side is because they don't want you to look at it. Agreed, that does make sense. So, I used to take a person to be what their "first side" was, not giving a rats ass about what they didn't want me to see. But today, I stand corrected, feeling an utter rush of stupidity run through my veins.

No one is what they claim to be. No one is what they're to you.

Everyone is a two faced bastard of a coin. The worst part - the greater part of their character rots on that ugly side of the coin.

For a simpleton, a non-judgmental person, it pricks you straight to the heart when you find out that the sweet little person you thought you knew is not really, well, that. Just beautiful icing on a shit cake.

I am two faced too. Agreed. But if you ask me to look down on my past to the times I've brought my ugly side out - I'd happily and with a lot of pride, show you the middle finger. For I have no instances. For everytime I have "bitched" about(In this case, made fun of) a person, it has been on their faces. Not because I'm not scared of them. Just because I think it's a pussy thing to do it behind their backs - shows that you're the envious bitch of the two. Also because I didn't want them to judge me after hearing about it from my so-called "well-wishers". And you just cannot ignore about how much of a difference it makes.

So what am I getting at? Just a little shout out to all those simpletons out there - don't be. Be that fucking judgmental bastard everyone despises, everyone denies to be, but are. Trust me, they all have ugly sides and you NEED to know about it. Yes, you will have wrong judge of character a few times, but in the long run, you won't be mistaken. You won't be heartbroken.

P.S. - To the society - And then you wonder why some people are such disparaging bastards. You made them. You crushed that little simpleton with all your backbiting, all you two faced (for namesake) humans. For the love of god - Be yourself! It's perfectly fucking fine if you don't get to sail in everyone's boat! Why the fuck do you have to change yourself according to people!? Is your image of yourself so bloody low!?

I fucking beg you - melt that fucking coin. Be you.

You were not born to please anyone. Anyone but yourself.

#autumnmuse2014 #muserock #thaikuddambridge #desat

#desat #thaikuddambridge #muserock #autumnmuse2014

Admit it, we all take our life for granted. “No, I don’t!” is usually the first thing to pop in everyone’s minds. Natural human tendency. I was thinking the same. But as I pondered over the thought a little more deeply, while I was strolling across the busiest signal in my locality one beautiful trivial evening. I could see hundreds of people going in all directions - everyone with some desire, some intention. Some were off from a hectic day at work, some off to celebrate the weekend and some like me - moving around without a motive, without a direction. It pricked a bit thinking about how big this world was. I was barely notice-able in a crowd of 100. Now multiply that - 70,000,000 times. Yes, it hurts me that I’m not famous. It’s like being one grain of sand on a beach. Then comes the sudden existential crisis. You don’t know who you are. You crib about why you were born human out of all the creatures you could have been. Heck, I want to be a penguin! And then the worst of all, you look back through all that you’ve done in all these years you spent on this land as the most advanced species. I looked back through my 19 years. 7000 days of my being human and what have I done? Yeah, sure little favors here and there. But not something I would proudly boast about to someone who would ask me such a question. I’d break down and cry.There are 15 year old prodigies that have conquered so much more and I am here sitting and whiling away my time, adding more days to the “insignificant days” count. I feel energetic to go out there and make a difference starting tomorrow. But I know, with the first ray of dawn, my determination will flutter away like the darkness. Like my promises to study harder for the next exam, every exam. That was it - that opened me to a realization of this loop I was stuck in. It was this loop that millions of these grains of sand were stuck in. This loop was the horrible death trap which everyone killed their time in. And it was being a part of this loop that made me a “So ungrateful to life" person. A lot of you would object at this point but let me just be clear - for me, the waste of time is the biggest and the most heinous crime one can commit - the victim none other than oneself. Face it, that's the only thing that is not under our control. We cannot buy time. Or make any. And when you notice 604800000 units of this priceless entity washed away never to return, you can't help but blame yourself.

Then, it occurs to me. These people at the signal - they're the same as I am. I may be that little grain of sand on the beach. But there are grains around me that are in the same boat as I. I realized, I don't want to be famous to be known by people with whom I will have a mutual "no fucks given" attitude. These people aren't the ones I want in my life. Nobody's got the time for everybody. That's how it is. You have to choose who you want to give your time for, who you give a part of your life for - the laptop which probably wont last more than 10 years, or your people, who will stay by you until their last breaths. These prodigies I was thinking about, nobody knows where they're right now. Nobody cares. It's all a matter of months or years. You shine for sometime, and then you fade off and shinier stuff emerges and you're forgotten. Doesn't sound that much fun, does it?

Maybe you'd rather sit, talk to the ones who braved you into this world? Have a good chat with that little old friend that once used to be so close? Invite that group of friends that you once couldn't hang out without? Call up that one special person you had a really had a bad crush on? It's really never too late. Go out there, be famous in your little world. Make a difference with your presence. Have something to boast about when people ask you what you're proud of having done in life. Say you've made a difference to the lives of the people that matter most to you. Be able to say that you have made their lives happier. You will certainly not be a part of everyone's life. But, in that little group of people, make sure that their heart beats because they know, you'll be there.

The Wrath of the Devil

She hid behind the small barrier of rocks, previously which was used as the stables for the cows, as her colleagues thundered across the ruins with slaughter knives. Her face went as blue as the eyes of death, as she saw a 60 year old man's face get split into two halves from a strong swing of the butcher's knife by her people. Blood spattered over the remains of the walls of the once beautiful and what she called, home. Cries of little children could be heard in the vicinity as they were witnessing the horrific murder of their loved ones in the most brutal and inhumane manner. Time froze and reversed and she could see herself running away from the corpses of the ones she knew she was dependent upon. She could see the begging eyes of the corpses - they didn't want her to go. Or stay. With a heavy heart, she escaped. She knew this wasn't the end, and that there were years to come, or maybe never, for the day she would be free from the claws of this ruthless devil. There was something about this devil - unseen, worshiped by many, regretted by more. This devil was given power by the very ones who later repented it. This devil crushed those who even tried to demean and overthrow it. She was afraid of this devil. Everyone was. Even those who accepted it. This devil was the reason she knew the bloody war was bound to happen. Again. And now here she was, 30 years later, in the same ruins, this time with a weapon in her hand, but an agony in her heart. She didn't have the power to stop this. She knew no individual did. She knew she cannot escape this. No one can.

Unless.

She looked at her son while he hid in his mother’s sari to protect himself. A tear dropped down her cheeks as she imagined the next moments to come. This tear was long awaited. It contained not just the love for one’s own child, but the desperation of ones effort to break through society's god forsaken hypo critic and merciless and cruel principles. It contained the cries of those millions of souls that succumbed to these cold-hearted self-made devils. It contained the desires of one to live life the way they want to - free from the eyes and the hands of those who lost their battle with society. And before the teardrop could reach the unholy bloody graveyard, the mother and the son closed their eyes forever - for it was a much happier place.

Contrail.... #beautiful (at St. John's Medical College Sports Complex)

#beautiful

Life is simple - You make a choice and you don't look back.

Han, The Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift

The Next Day...

Somewhere, in the land of nowhere,

There was she and there was me-

Flying together with glee, were we.

Eyes full o’ sunshine,

laugh filled with joy,

I wish the day hadn't end,

but it’s obvious, my boy.

The bell rang, and dispersed the class,

well, so did my dream-like a shattered glass.

She walked past me, and the world stood still.

The face of an angel, a smile from heaven.

She was my staircase, to wherever I’d be.

I looked up, then looked away,

my eyes yet nailed.

She didn't glance,

and this heart melted.

There was no chance,

I was nobody, and she was a fame.

But, somewhere in the corner,

I stole one more sight,

Our eyes met, and the world dimmed like night.

We couldn't hold on, and neither could it,

The light beamed across our faces

As we looked away.

I rolled back into my thoughts...

and she waited, for the next day...

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