Third Day
January 31, 2024
What I'm feeling right now is a mild emotional heartbreak. The kind of heartbreak that quickly subsides later as you keep yourself busy by chatting with at least one or three the same people whom you feel genuinely being cared for and other past times such as scrolling mindlessly over your feeds or adding items to cart at SHEIN. This heartbreak I am feeling right now is not related to my romance/love life aspect. Heck, I'm happily single and healthily living with more abundance at my current stage for almost eight months counting.
One of the traits that I hate and love the most about myself is being observant and protective of my energy by staying passive or by simply means being neutral in the corporate world. It torns me into little piece by piece, each time I feel the change of dynamics of our relationship and the more I interacted with a certain co-professional or generally, how I try to fit in their social box, the more he/she feels off about me. Is it something that I have said or was I insensitive enough or how I should act out? Or were those my quirks that are a completely off that other people adorned? Or simply we aren't a check on vibe. This isn't applied to all partnered personnels. Just a few I meant from them. I mean, I'm used with the confrontations if there's any mismanagement from hectic work. I'll manage to patch up, being careful and avoid repeating the same mistakes again by doing more better next time. I'm all cool with the corrections. But, being personally connected and being heard. Feeling I am a valid human being is what I seek there.
This got me overthinking by reducing myself that I'm the least likeable. I am truly heartbroken in this longing search of belongingness. I feel like I'm the unicorn that's being taken for granted among them other horses, so odd on their views maybe just because I don't completely align most of their traditional goals like get married, pregnant, have babies and share sufferings. Or perhaps, because of how I take good care of myself - appearance wise - or most of the time, I cannot think of any comments about anything outside work related, so I just maintained my calm, nonchalant composure...and the overthinking list goes on. However, outside the corporate world, I'm praised and showered with countless admiration for being cool for simply being me.
Sometimes I feel like asking to God, is it valid to feel that I want to kill myself and simply not exist anymore? Just because I feel like I do not feel appreciated for who I am or how I do not feel that I truly matter there. I know this is a small issue that I make such a big fuss about it. I only keep this with myself, never have I shared this to anyone. Not even to whom I'm kind of having a lowkey 'thing' with the current who. My family, genuine longtime friends, some supportive business clients and co-officers and people online who gushed over me...These are the ones whom I should be so grateful to God for allowing these people into my life to keep going. I should always think about this. Be grateful that there are people who still want me to be alive. Existing.
Going back...on the other side of the coin, I'm comfortable with at least three or four of my co-professional partners whom I feel accepted. Still, not enough. I'm not enough, never will I ever be enough for anyone who wants to keep in touch with me.
I know you, as an avid reader who comes reading this far (and for that I truly appreciate you whoever you are! May God grant you unexpected abundant blessings to your life in all aspects!) feel weirded out questioning how come I, as a successful and beautiful career woman, who lives by fitness, who pampers her appearance, who's got achievements in her sales career, being admired by countless clients and strangers, living such a good and peaceful life, ever reached into this level of self-loathing and sulking.
Welp, all I can say, for me, sense of belongingness is what I'm struggling. Hence, I'm much happier mingling with different people and making new friends through online dating applications and business dealings because I don't get to interact all of them everyday. They do not get to the openly, genuinely carefree real me - the same ole dorky, nerdy, weirdly multi-linguist, quirky, boyish me - in which, my closest longtime high school, college and childhood friends could see. Those who know me the best and by heart.
I noticed that I tend to jump and hangout with new groups every time the previous ones I stayed in contact with dissolves, truly because of different life priorities and no mutual effort to adjust our times to see each other.
Being silent is both either my comfort or shield to protect myself not to get into a conflict. It's so hard to find someone whom I feel that I really matter or who truly listens to me in that tough hearted world. I know one of my problems is shutting myself off by keeping myself busy with growing piles of applications and client calls. I probably do this tactic because I'm either lazily sociable or not in the mood to be sociable or overwhelmed from work. I easily get socially drained. That's why I'm careful in saving up my energy to whom I feel deserves my time and most importantly being in a personal boundary with me.
To wrap up the emotional sadness behind this contagious smiley face who is to live another day tomorrow...I am on my third day of red tide.
Ciao!
kkemtal















