incoming rant from a Tired Asexual™
tw // aphobia
i’ve seen a lot of discourse lately over whether or not “straight” ace people are included in the lgbtq+ community, and i have quite a few things to say about it.
to start off, i think it’s crucial to the conversation to understand that asexuality is absolutely its own separate, distinct sexual orientation. to say that it’s not doesn’t actually make sense — if a person isn’t sexually attracted to anyone, but asexuality isn’t a sexual orientation… then they have no sexual orientation at all? of course not! if there are multiple sexual orientations where a person is sexually attracted to the same or different or some or all genders, why in the world wouldn’t there be a sexual orientation where a person is sexually attracted to no genders?
this is important, because the moment that we establish asexuality as its own sexual orientation, we’ve veered away from the cisgender, heteromantic, heterosexual “standard”. when we say someone is straight or cishet, we typically mean they’re both heteromantic and heterosexual. an asexual person may be cisgender and heteromantic, buuut… they’re asexual. right off the bat, their experience with sexual attraction is something that differs from the norm. are they really even straight, or just heteromantic? either way, asexuality is much different than heterosexuality, and it’s about time everyone started treating it as such.
it’s worth noting that the full lgbtq+ acronym includes asexuality. in other words, if someone is asexual, they’re already part of the lgbtq+ community, regardless of any other identity or label they might identify with. asexuality is not just some sort of addition to other labels. it’s not dependent on any other facet of attraction or identity. it doesn’t have to meet any criteria or satisfy certain conditions for it to be accepted or considered valid. it’s separate, distinct, and independent.
these aren’t the oppression olympics, and they never have been, but to say that asexual people don’t experience discrimination is simply wrong. people tell us that our asexuality is a choice and liken it to practicing celibacy rather than recognizing it as a sexual orientation. we’re often afraid to come out as asexual due to fear of dismissal, skepticism, or negative reactions. we’re constantly compared to and depicted as animals or robots. we’re told we have some sort of sexual interest/desire/arousal disorder as outlined in the DSM. we’re subjected to sexual assault and corrective rape to “fix” our sexuality, because we’re “broken.”
“you just haven’t met the right person yet”
“don’t knock it ‘til you try it”
“you’re too young to know about that sort of thing”
“you’ll change your mind when you’re older”
“maybe you should see a doctor”
do you see the problem yet?
this discourse is especially frustrating because asexual people face constant criticism and ridicule not only from straight cishets, but also from people within the lgbtq+ community itself. it’s sadly ironic that sometimes, the people who must understand what it’s like to be mocked and alienated for their identity are the same people mocking and alienating asexual people for their identity. it makes me angry because not only is it harmful to those people by trying to force them out of a space some of them desperately need, but it’s also harmful to queer ace people such as myself.
i’m an ace lesbian. when someone says “straight ace people aren’t part of the lgbtq+ community,” they’re also saying “your asexuality is only valid because you’re also a lesbian,” in other words, “the validity of your asexuality depends entirely on who you’re romantically attracted to,” in other words, “your asexuality doesn’t matter, actually.”
you don’t get a say in whether or not my asexuality is valid. you don’t get to decide when, how, or why it’s valid. it just is.
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