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Checkin In

It’s been a while since I posted but that’s because I have been very low key. But this year is gonna be my year of new adventures and getting out of the comfort zone. So let go thru the basics of what’s going on with me.

Dalvin has been such a good brother lately even to the point I show more vulnerability to him. He is struggling a bit because now he is more mature than his roommates but when he gets more mature friends it won’t be a problem. I know he can keep up.

Kenji is same as always. I love him to death but his negative outlook is always a problem. Every minor drama is a crisis, and he never seems content with anything. I can already tell you if I ask him tomorrow “how was your day” he will have a laundry list of all the negatives. I don’t judge or blame him, but all of that is facts. He hasn’t learned yet how to bask in the blessings instead of living in fear of the flaws. There is always gonna be good and bad in life. So spend your time cherishing those good things and being prepared for the bad without glorifying them.

I’m kind of pissed about what’s going on with his somewhat significant other. I feel like this boy is playing with both him and my ex. Not because he greedy, but because he is a scared little boy who don’t want to have the balls to get close to, risk, or sacrifice anything major for anyone. He has both my ex and my best friend both vying for his love. And worse, before that my late friend Jared as well. And it’s not that he intentionally plays them, he just scared to make a claim. Then whines he feels unloved or has no one. But if you keep every person at arms distance even lovers then what do you expect?

I was talking to this boy named Ricky but I don’t think that’s gonna work. When we first met he told me I came across arrogant because I talked about me. Most people don’t understand I talk about me because I’m being transparent and I don’t want to be misunderstood. Then on top of that Ricky is introverted and mostly negative. Other than sex it seems like most of what he chooses to talk about is his unhappiness in the world. How his coworkers get on his nerves, or his family. And other than that, sex. He has this obsession with this pornstar Vinnir that comes up waaaay tooo often like almost every convo. I tested to see how many conversations it would take for him to seriously inquire or notice that I stopped telling him anything about my life. He hasn’t noticed yet. It’s been about a month. Other than a quick how are you doing he doesn’t really have interest in me. He never asks “how was church” or “what are you doing today”. But I can tell you everything about his family issues or even his co workers issues. I’m not mad at him at all, I just realize we aren’t compatible beyond sex. He is great at sex tho. I probably couldn’t keep up with his constant sex drive tho. We aren’t official in anyway tho so it’s cool. I brought up relationships way back and he basically was really vague and didn’t say if it was his goal or not so I left it alone, did t wanna push it and get called narcissistic again.

So I went to Richmond and met a dude named cliff. Didn’t expect much but he’s really cool and handsome. But he’s in Richmond so I don’t see that going anywhere. I’m not moving for a dude. It was just nice to actually hang and enjoy a cute dude company without severe pressure to fuck. We watched michael Jackson vids and 90s r and b. I was able to step into his world and enjoy the vibe. He’s a beautiful dude but like I said a far away fantasy. Might stop by once a season or so.

The church life has been same old same old. My current plan is to focus on living with Kenji to the new house in March and playing downtown in the summer, I hear they be making a couple hundred daily! And then by this time next year I will make the decision to move or not out of Baltimore.

I went to see my doc today, I’m here now. It went well, I’m letting him know I’m serious about this transplants. This year we doing it right. Taking all the meds, eating better, and getting a new kidney.

Might as well go strong!

Anyway I’ll be back soon! Bye journal

Not tryna thirst trap just genuinely happy I’m losing weight. 20 more to go and starting the Keto diet on the first. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqd893eFjcn/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1vmj36t8lyak3

Vent session

Sometimes it gets real draining being everyone else’s light but constantly being ignored despite it.

The three dudes I call brothers barely talk to me nowadays. I don’t know what’s going on in their life.

My former female friend turned out to be smiling in my face but secretly homophobic.

My former drummer only speaks to me when I ask how he is doing.

The boy I was gonna talk to really never talks outside of text, and now I’m scared to talk because he said all I talk about is myself.

So now I barely wanna even talk outside of text so he don’t get the wrong impression again.

Jack’d stopped me from posting pics because I put a shirtless pic up with boxers and sweatpants on, hardly a thirst trap. Not even showing a v taper or anything.

I still think about my former friend Brandon, who acts like I’m the worst person in the world because I told him he was better than the stuff he does. But he’s fine with all the people who use him for their needs and don’t give a damn about him or his needs.

I think about my first boyfriend who moved to NC and NEVER talks to me unless I hit him up.

I recently reconnected with an old house buddy named Chris. And no matter how much i try to be there for him, he ignores me and then posts how alone he is.

Am I the only one seeing a common thread?

My friend in Germany Pia always hits me up but we can’t hang in person.

I miss someone hitting me up daily to see if I’m okay.

I need a vacation. At my church because I’m the musician I never take time off. I only have ever missed a day when I was in the hospital. And it’s going on five years.

My friend Jared passed away September 4th, I’m dealing with that.

My mom lives in another state and my sister is in deep with her fiancée so they cant really be there like that.

I’m not denying that other people care, it just sucks to know I’m not really anyone’s priority even as a friend, so how can I expect to date anyone? I’m just not that important a guy that people cherish daily. They love me when they need a problem solved tho.

Another associate thinks I’m a liar cuz of a moving situation, plus he stopped hanging with me a long time ago.

And the people who do say hi, mostly just wanna hook up not really bond with me.

I want real bonds. I’m sorry for bitching right now but sometimes you just have to let it out before it consumes you.

Upside.

So I’m dealing with a lot at the moment.

Brandon’s officially done. Some part of me is actually kind of upset, but just because that’s a knee jerk reaction doesn’t mean I’m following it. When I first thought about all the time and advice and care I felt with him, only for me losing my cool to be enough to be the end, it made me upset. He can deny it all he wants but I’m sure he knows I’m a good person, but also human. But then I realize if the negative is what he chooses to remember and not the good, that’s not my choice to make, I don’t run the show. No matter what you present to people they pick and choose what to focus on. He mainly got upset by old tumblrs I wrote when I was mad. Yeah it hurts to lose a best friend but at least he got others so he won’t miss me at all. It’s like the glen thing all over again, and I’m a little mad at myself because I really am beginning to feel like I should not have extended myself in the first place. But unlike the glen thing I’m just gonna let this one go for good. With glen I spent years trying to regain, but I have learned that once someone makes you the devil it’s nothing you can do. Facts don’t matter either. Their mind is made up and that’s it. It’s probably best if I let him go. I noticed he never pays attention to the good stuff I say about him, only the stuff he can use to justify a reason to be upset. I apologized and I left the door open, and I even made the steps to mend things. I guess it’s time to give up on that one and finally block Brandon like so many people told me I should. It’s over and gone what’s the point of keeping hope when he has made his decision. All things come to an end. Sometimes bitterness is more powerful than I can break thru. Like I said at least he’s happy with Bryan and has real friends that he likes now so it’s time for me to find the same.

So my living situation is stressful. Kenji is super nice and sometimes not as aggressive as I would like for him to be about pushing others in the house to do more. I’m not a big fan of kids and not feeling this constant. I’m not sure what I should do. I have one person offering me a cheap room but I don’t trust the level of peace there cuz I always hear them complaining about each other. I don’t wanna move somewhere not secure. I am open to splitting a two bedroom, but the first person to ask is someone that I don’t know how they are about bills, and the second person is Dalvin, but honestly? I’m tired of being mr bad cop and being the only one who understands responsibility. I can already see myself being in a position where either he’s getting mad at me lecturing about being a good adult or me not saying anything and later exploding like I did with Brandon. The one responsible person I was considering want to bring like five people together but we don’t know each other. I’m PTSD with the whole 20s crowd. I recently saw a pic of Dalvin with Brandon, Malik, Albert, and a few others in it. Afterward I deleted all of the ones I knew off my friends list. I’m tired of half ass friends. If you only hit me when you need something or have a problem you need help solving then how are you my friend? Malik almost froze to death and I came and grabbed him from the cold, let him stay with me for weeks, let him dominate my PlayStation time and got him a custom airbrushed jacket with his favorite character at the time. And of course, he doesn’t even hit me up. He probably was only nice to get to Dalvin. Albert didn’t like that I stood up for myself and moved on to another failed relationship within a week. Sometimes I really question even Dalvin. I know he cares, but I don’t think he loves me. I think I’m useful. That’s it. If he has nothing else to do then he might hit me up. I’m sick of being useful. I want to be appreciated.

So then there is Donnell my drummer. Josh resurfaced and as much as I didn’t want to go back to working with him, because of his unprofessionalism, and temperamental attitude and his insecure jealousies, I had to, to some degree because Donnell was still learning. I respect Donnell because he can get stuff done, has a much better working attitude, and I would rather deal with a good attitude and a desire to learn than a bad attitude and prepackaged talent. So we compromised on having josh just teach him to play on Thursdays. But then Donnell didn’t show up for his lesson and didn’t call or text me about it. So Sunday comes and he’s like I’m on the way, and I told him to stay home. Regardless of friendship I don’t deal with lazy work ethic from coworkers. So he catches an attitude. I’m really sick of people getting mad when I tell them the truth.

Upside. I may have someone to date. I’m actually really into him and we are gonna go on a date later today. I will probably post again

Haunted

Short one. So in the last three days I was informed of a druggy sex party with my ex friend Brandon in it and another withd my ex friend Oden. Why do people tell me this stuff? I gave up on O. Brandon still I have hope for but this uninvited news makes me sad.

The boy is truly a diamond out here. But because he don’t see it in himself he fakes this overconfident arrogant mask trying to be like the other people that are merely stones pretending to be diamonds.

And he thinks I’m the enemy. Sigh. Poor boy. I hope he climbs out of the pit he is digging if this is true.

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