Shy, and Single Again

inarticulate at the best of times.

[koreastic-blog]

Ugh.

Several things have happened, none of which I am especially proud of. The last two weekends, I have been a complete bum (i.e, no trips to Seoul or out of my little country bumpkin city) and I caved and finally messaged him back. I don’t know what it was - the mixture of homesickness, dealing with too many korean fuckboys, and trump winning, proved to be too much for my fragile psyche to handle, I guess. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. Honestly, I never like to force myself to do anything, and I really did force myself to stop talking to him (for good reason) but I always like to let things happen naturally. I don’t like to force situations, so I always just go where my heart leads me, for better or for worse. Usually for worse, but hey, I guess I grow a lot? Anyway, now we are back in the space of not-quite-friends-not-quite-lovers. We still annoy the hell out of each other but I really do love him. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? 

Ehhh. 

I think he probably feels the exact same way. Which is why this works for now. I’m simultaneously nervous and excited about what the future will hold. 

We talk everyday, several times a day, despite the 13 hr time difference. We don’t use pet names. We don’t talk about feelings. But he has been my best friend for the last two years, and lately, I’ve needed the comfort of talking to him. Fuck the “no contact” rule. I always have (and probably) always will make my owns rules, especially when it comes to dating and relationships. 

(will these words come back to bite me in the ass? let’s find out)

Anyway, I still do what I do. Which is to say, I deleted all but one dating app I had (tinder, skout - byebye). I did this 2 weeks before in a fit of rage after yet another Korean fuckboy experience. Before, I would be talking to maybe 5-6 guys a week (many of them only for that week), then rotate with a new roster, lol. Now, I am only talking to guys I met previously if they contact me, and maybe 1 or 2 new guys. None of this is serious, either. I think I’ve been extremely hardened and cautious with Korean guys in general, so I’ve made a vow to not meet anyone else unless I am 100% sure he’s not a fuckboy. My time is not to be wasted (especially since I’m already wasting it in much more damaging ways, :/ lol).

[koreastic-blog]

I’m bad at this tumblr thing.  

(also, I wrote a long post on friday when I was at work, but my computer conveniently stopped working, so I lost it all, mf)

But seriously, how do you get over someone when you constantly think about them and everything reminds you of them? I try to act tough, but the struggle is real. 

[twopartsbitter]

if u were a gifted/talented child who grew into an anxious adult w fragile self worth and a perfectionist streak that makes u abandon things if ur not good at them immediately clap ur hands

[koreastic-blog]

:(

[koreastic-blog]

Work today.

My 6th graders are on a field trip, and my co-teacher cancelled all our 5th grade classes today because she wants to go to Seoul tonight for a concert (BTW, she totally hasn’t shown up for work today at all. I like the fact that she totally doesn’t gaf, however, she also happens to have my usb with all my lesson planning on it). That means today I have been doing absolutely nothing productive at all. Plus, Waygook is down. Is it sad that this is the best work day for me ever? That I actually LOVE deskwarming? How can people complain about doing nothing all day and getting paid for it?  It’s so fun.

Also, can I just say that my 3rd graders are the absolute cutest? They just came in here to return something they borrowed from my classroom, and they asked for candy. Normally, candy is an incentive or reward for doing something good. They didn’t do anything but be extra adorable, so I gave them candy. This is why I’m a bad teacher. I don’t care if they learn English, I just want to pinch their cute little cheeks, haha. 

Anyway, what I should have been doing is updating this blog. Story to come. 

[koreastic-blog]

10 mins.

I was explaining to my co-teacher the other day that I don’t get nervous about anything anymore. I used to get the absolute worst anxiety ever when I had to present something, or speak in front of people. But in the last two years or so, I completely lost all anxiety, it seems. 

So I’m meeting someone in about 10 mins, and let’s call him Jack. Jack is Korean, works out a lot, and I actually met him on HelloTalk. Which makes this the second guy I’m meeting off of there. Jack really like black girls, and claims he’s dated one in the past. I’m not one of those black girls who are of the mind that Korean guys don’t like black girls, because I already knew a long time ago that guys, no matter the race, like girls they are attracted to. And being a girl that’s pretty self confident, I don’t think there’s any race of guy who wouldn’t date me. But that’s beside the point. 

Normally it would bother me though, if a guy seems like he has some sort of fetish for black women. But I’m unsure about this guy. From my general fleeting impression (we’ve only been talking for 2 days now) it just seems like he’s into curves, etc. Which is fine. I’ll wait until I meet him in person before I make any further judgements. The only reason I agreed to meet him (I wouldn’t normally after only talking for so short a time) is because 1. it seems in Korea, I’m being more open about meeting guys in general, and 2. he practically begged me. And I have awful resolve when people beg me. 

Anyway, stats on Jack:

korean, tatted, 6 pack and lots of arm muscles, not sure of height, but i’m guessing around 170cm?. 

Anywho, he just called, so I will update after the official meetup!

[koreastic-blog]

two months.

I’ve been in Korea for a little over two months now and I’m just now starting to document the whole thing in writing. I’m a terrible human being. Ok, not really. 

Anyway, it’s been a whirlwind. Time moves so quickly here, and honestly my moods about this place change just as quickly. I guess parts of me still feel like this isn’t real life. After fantasizing about living in a place for years, and now finally being here, I guess it’s just too much for my psyche to handle. 

In two months, I have:

1. Survived EPIK orientation

2. Moved to my new city in Korea

3. Visited Seoul at least 6 times (it’s 2.5 hours away by train).

4. Made a lot of new friends

5. Drank beer by the Han River

6. Met my students and started teaching

7. Maybe use about 2% Korean on a daily basis :( 

8. Broke up officially with my ex

9. Kissed a Korean guy

10. Learnt and mastered the Seoul subway system and most transit

11. Went on 5 dates, and have 1 more tonight, and 2 more this upcoming weekend. 

My time in Korea has been pretty interesting, at best. Since this is a dating blog, my next posts will be about that!

[the-taintedtruth]

The first time we kissed tasted like hope. The beginning of something magical; slow dances, new promises, hazy lazy Sunday mornings, electricity, beautiful. I could have lived off that taste. The second time we kissed tasted like forever. It was going to last, I knew it. I would make sure of it. This was it; a big house, an even bigger family, family parties and new furniture and fights that ended in even more kisses, more fucking. I always chose arguing with you over loving anybody else. Every kiss, every day, tasted so familiar and sweet. I had your smell on my lips, your taste on my tongue, your heart in my hands. The last time we kissed tasted like goodbye. And nothing else. Nothing at all.

Kissing You (via the-taintedtruth)