ko

poetry diary // 19 \\ i want to put feelings you didn’t even know you had into words

[kozu-ri]

The path to killing me

Is all but winding,

For it takes only one step:

Look at me

[kozu-ri]

I’m in love with the moon,

But how do I tell him?

He’s so far away, I doubt he even listens

Maybe I could shout it,

And he wouldn’t even hear

[kozu-ri]

When I kill myself,

I’ll act as your pet cat

And I’ll shy away from you

Because I know I’m going to die

And I don’t want you to see it

[kozu-ri]

If I were to kill myself,

I would want my death to be treated

The same way a pet’s death would be.

“He’s in a better place now,”

Because that’s all you can say.

I’m a naturally miserable person,

And I want to be in a position

Where I don’t have to be anymore.

[kozu-ri]

Food makes you fat. Water makes you

fat.pills make you fat. Swallowing makes you fat.

Throw it all up

Inhaler makes you fat.

Breathing makes you fat.

Existing makes you fat

Please just stop

[kozu-ri]

Before I can weigh,

I must take off every part of me

Any ounce of confidence adds weight

Even if that scale can smell fear,

That’s one of the things I can never remove

[kozu-ri]

Being gone,

Surrounded by those who knew you before I did

I’m learning so much about you,

But now I wonder, after hearing these things

Did I ever know you at all?

[kozu-ri]

Loving through the phone,

Every time you hang up,

My screen goes black

Who knew it’d be the same in person?

My vision blacks out every time you leave

[kozu-ri]

Is there really a point to living

If I have the same responsibilities every single day

And they never go away?

I’m obviously getting tired of them,

Is that the point?

Does He want us to get too tired to go on?

[kozu-ri]

I can’t touch the doorknob

They’re going to get me

Little did I know

A turn of the doorknob

Would open a door of new opportunities

But they’re holding me back

I can’t breathe and they’re holding me back

[kozu-ri]

You are my glue

You’re what keeps me together

Or you would be,

If I were not water

Despite your presence,

I can’t help, and neither can you,

But fall apart

[kozu-ri]

I used to love your cologne,

I liked to keep your clothes

And savor the smell

But since you left,

It triggers my asthma

If another man wears it,

I have to leave the room,

Nauseous as I think of you

[kozu-ri]

I’m jealous of people

Who admire the sky

Because at least that means

They keep their head up

Most days, I don’t even notice the sky

I’m usually looking down at my feet,

If I even go outside at all

I love people

Who admire the sky,

And take photographs

Because they remind me

To keep my head up

[kozu-ri]

Why is it

That the ones that try the hardest

Always get shortchanged?

[kozu-ri]

I want you to miss me if I leave,

Mourn me if I die,

Adore me when I’m here,

Need me when I’m not,

Love me the way I love you,

Feel the way I do,

Please just want me

[kozu-ri]

It’s coming up on a month

Since you’ve been gone

It’s unsettling to know

That the world keeps spinning

And that life goes on

And that I’m expected to keep living

All while you’re not here

[kozu-ri]

I kept wondering

Why I woke up craving suicide

Until I realized,

It’s because in my dream,

I was dead

And it wasn’t a nightmare