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The emptiness and the feeling of desperate struggle is back. I have been winning though. I shall get on with it.

26 april 2013

If you calculate your sense of worth in terms of the amount of money you make, the social standing you have or any other yardstick that the larger part of the society uses there is something inherently wrong in you. There can't be a bigger disservice to oneself.

And she turned away looking at the sky and stood without moving.

17 apr 2013

Keeping a notebook to write is much convenient and easier than using a blog. I will post the notes later on the blog with the dates on it.

By the way I have started to plan creation of new works. The moment I start to work.. its amazing how new ideas come, it surprises me.

Otherwise things are chaotic in some sense. l am planning to continue to work with children in the school. The photographs they came up with have been good and will be interesting how they evolve. At the same time the little money that comes along, I intend to use it on materials for the work.

I also started to jog two days back. The weather is very hot.

14 apr 2013

Everybody else I know of, seems to be getting well settled into jobs and family and stuffs, whereas I am not

But then I feel they are all burrowing into the land deeper asking for more trouble. Whereas I am floating over the land. HAHA Either I am a nut or a fucking geni***! Any how....its good to be wrong or right once in a while.

11 april 2013

Somehow I couldn't get myself to write only the first three letters of the month april, it almost seems ridiculous if I write it that way.

I like to experiment things with the society. How they react, when I don't conform with the unwritten guidelines.

Am I creating a show to the world around me? No, I am a showman to myself. I am not trying to amuse the people around me. But I am trying to amuse myself. And I am getting amused every passing day. But I want to amuse myself even more, higher and higher.

07. apr. 2013

Things are changing for better, all the confusion are slowly clearing away. Replaced by better ones. But it is an ever expanding ocean.

--

I think the emptiness is inevitable, the more we try to fill it, the more farther one will end up. The best thing is to revel in that emptiness, soak into it, live in it, and one day you might conquer it.

--

02 apr 2013

Some (many) people make me cynical. Their way of judging others, their idea of what is right and wrong is appalling. They don't want to think for themselves, neither would they let others think on their own.

Too much of self importance, jealousy and fear.

Fear of being wrong, fear of being deemed a failure, fear of being abandoned by the society. They take sides along with their similar compatriots and make up the majority. What a pitiful plight for the few that stand away.

31.mar.2013

I want to explore silence, experiment with it, play with, and take it with me to my sleep.

28 mar 2013

Fluidity.

There is always a sense of fluid movements and forms in my work. I do things in a spontaneous way, and so trying to decipher what it could mean, makes it more difficult. For the past 3 months, I have spent time away from creating new things. But still I have not understood many things. I can't go on wasting time like this, I have decided to create more and more work as days go by. And try to understand it afterwards.

The whole idea of understanding it is in itself self defeating and contrary to my practice, but secretly, I want to unravel the mystery.

I should also find a place where I can work alone. Probably near the school where I have a job, the rent will be cheap and easier for me to continue.

26 mar 2013

Yesterday met sukant in the morning, we saw two kingfishers in the eco pond.

In the evening, stayed in the school through the night. I was curious to see what happens, but I was too bored by 11:30 pm thought I would go back home, but they dissuaded me as it would not be safe. I started out at 4:00 am in the dark, the fog was thick, and to see the fog in the light was surreal. Very cold.

Slept at 6:15 am.

24 mar 2013

I could probably just play around with different mediums, there is always photography in its own traditional style and form which I haven't really used so far. And there is sculpture, installation, and drawing. And painting. And of course there is writing.

And there is something else, say I call it void, or doing nothing. Which is more liberating if I learn to use it properly.

20 mar 2013

I have no particular preferences. I can just about live with anything, or nothing, nothing is often better. If I could remember a few years back, all I wanted to do later in my life was to retire on a mountain and live there in a little house, at least a few miles away from another house in the vicinity. But why not now? What am I trying to pursue?

I will probably never know.

19 mar 2013

The colour black is beautiful. And there are shades of black, but I like the blackest black. Pitch black, that you can almost disappear into it.

But white (perfect white). Its always a challenge with white. Often you cannot keep something perfectly white. It is so sensitive. It reveals everything instantly, it doesn't want to hold back anything. You can't take refuge in it.

16 mar 2013

The fabric of life. It looks all muddled and vague for me. Chaotic in every sense.

Speaking about chaos, is there really anything such as chaos? I always believed a better perspective will often clear all the confusion. What seems to be utter chaos will have its own perfect order, only that we are standing too close to see it clearly.

16 mar 2013

Facts are all interpretations. Our mind, takes a viewpoint, and interprets life sitting on it. That viewpoint however should not be fixed, should be open to alterations based on better understanding as time and experience goes by.

But its clearly not the case.

16 mar 2013

A good answer will open up a few more questions. Its the questions, that are important. I don't like to engage in debates that keeps going in circles, it is often waste of time.

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