Living in a dream
Didn't think I'd ever come back here, don't know how long it's been but I wish it was forever. I had a tumblr bc I was confused, depressed, questioned my image, and was just lost in this crazy world. Well here we go again. It's very strange living in a dream world, sometimes u don't hear what people say and it's almost as if they're not really present. My brain is just kind of floating and reality will hit me for a few moments but just to escape I have to think of something else. I feel like I couldn't go on if I lost my mom and I don't want to have to. I don't care about the kind words and ppl saying "whatever u need, I'm here". I NEED MY MOM. Nothing anyone says or could possibly do would fix that problem. No amount of comfort would be enough, because guess who's not comforting me. It bothers me when ppl say "stay strong" because for what reason would a person need to stay strong when a loved one has died? This is the time to be broken, weak, helpless, nothing. Anxiety fills my body just as before to where I feel like I can't even move. To know that there is nothing u can do, say, pay for, pray for to ensure she will be okay. And even after surgery, the "devil" can come back and usually does, or even spreads. How is this fair? Why can't the surgery just be a complete success and ppl not have to worry about the scariest unknown out there. My mom is rarely ever sad, or scared, and I wish I could kill something so she doesn't ever have to feel that way. It's too hard to be optimistic, my mom deserves the best and just as she's about to enjoy the rest of her life, this comes back. There's nothing I can do but hope it's gone forever but knowing u can't be certain just leaves u anxious for life. I feel empty and I hope I don't lose everyone around me because if things go bad, I will want to be alone, I will be the most hateful person, I won't want to do anything, I will have no emotions but sadness and apathy.
