I want to take it back to when i was that kid in the basement. I want to look at men how i did before everything i went thru. Before i looked at men in immediate disgust. Before i looked at men as dogs, pit bulls with thick chains that should be tied up though they would still make you stiff as they barked. Before i looked at men as insufficient. Before i got raped. Before i got cheated on. Before i got lied to. Before addiction. Before i got hit. Before i got robbed. Before i got to expierence crazy first hand as is pulsated throughout me. Before all of the things i went thru within myself while trying to love someone. Within friendships, relationships, family, strangers, i want to forget and remind myself of all the people i've hurt while i was hurting. I want to remember all of these men as human beings and not the breed i've created in my mind. Humble myself because i've laid with male versions of me. I've fell in love with brown eyes and stared into them as everything that matters was in flames as i enjoyed the warmth. I'm no saint but i continue to look at men as nothing but sinners. I want to get back to when i was that kid in the basement. Before i'd felt a mans embrace and flinched at the thought of it. I want to never choose lust again. I want to forget when I did. I want to look at men how I looked at my 14 year old crush and i just wished my best friend could stay the night with me. I want to look forward to sitting in silence listening to music in a parked car. I want to be shy when a man goes to touch me. I want to expierence genuine and godly love, because i've fallen in love with demons that aren't my own. I want a man to know me, and i care to know a man. including the stories that will make his eye water when he's telling me. I'm sorry to all the people I hurt while i was hurting. I want to tell him about it. I want to look at men before i felt lust, when sex was something special. Before lust took over my brain and I no longer felt love. If i've ever felt it all. The lines are always blurring unless they're icey white. I want to look forward to friendships, before i had to fuck them to care about them. I'm ready to wait for the bible study love. The arcade love. The drive in love. Before love was getting high fucking and fighting. Before love was without commitment. Before my body was used like a rag doll. Before love was lying. Before love was caring so much i lost control. I'm after all of that. What remained through it all was me alone and as strong. I want to fall in love with me again. It had nothing to do with the way my butt looked in clothes, or what color lipstick i could leave on someones body. I didnt love me for the arches in my back. I loved me for how often i laughed. For how my hair always looked the best right before i showered. For the way i can talk to people in an honest yet caring way. For the way i passed no judgement. I want to love a man for these things. I dont want to love a man for the way he sucks my nipples as he touches my body with masculine hands. I dont want to love a man for the way he pulls my hair and whispers in my ear. For the way he finds ways to touch me in public. I want to love the way a mans eyes sparkle when he talks about things he loves. I want to love a man for the way he treats his sisters. I want to love a man for the way he comes home tired. I never want to choose lust again.
theartofmadeline
gamechangershow
ellievsbear
vaporwave
