I Will Never Accept Defeat

Welcome to my wild world

[krysjohnson]

My life has been a crazy whirlwind the past couple of years. Is tumblr still even a thing? Crazy how time changes things. I cleared out my ask box cause idk how long everything was from and with all the major life changes I don’t think I could even answer all of them anyways. Need a reset and a restart on those things.

To update anyone who may still follow or see (even though is still don’t have a lot of actual followers):

The last couple years of my life have been confusing. I realized I was struggling mentally and emotionally more than I ever knew. I was suffocating in a life I thought was supposed to be right.

I started dating my friend of 8 years (at the time). At first it was going well but they say you can’t really get to know someone until you’ve lived with them. I wanted it to work. I tried and tried and tried until I just became convinced that I should just stay and live my life that way. I wasn’t happy. I was anxious and depressed all the time but I wanted to believe it could work.

I joined the Army. It all happened very fast. One day I was reaching out to recruiters and a month later I shipped out. They sent me to the ARMS program first, which is fat camp but they don’t call it that. Those who have followed me know I was really working at losing weight and trying to better my physical health. The program helped. I lost inches but not weight. Then I shipped to basic training which was a different kind of hell. I pushed my way through it though and did it all with a fractured pubic bone (which the story of how that happened is kinda funny and an ode to how stubborn and determined I can be). Made it through basic and got shipped off to AIT for my job training.

While in basic the girl I was dating before and I were writing letters. I realize now just how emotionally compromised I was. But in my compromised state I felt that we should get married and got her to agree. I never should have and I know that now. I’m not in the habit of letting myself regret things that happen in my life but I do find myself wishing I had never gone through with it. We got married over Christmas when I was allowed to go home for a couple of weeks.

After Christmas I went back to training. When I tell you I thrived in this training, I mean it. Ya’ll know I always wanted to join the military and I learned that I am quite good at it. I am now a combat medic with higher credentials than even some of the higher enlisted that I work with.

Not long into my training I realized how emotionally compromised I was after basic training and began soul searching on what I was supposed to do being as I had a new wife. Came to the realization that I couldn’t do it. For many reasons. The top being that we aren’t compatible. Even with the effort that was put in. So towards the end of my training I made the decision to approach the matter and end things. We are now split.

I got promoted at graduation. Which is a big deal because it was an early promotion.

Now I’m at my first duty station and my life is on the up and up. I’m looking forward to growing as a person and becoming the best I can at what I do. As PA school is in my future.

I’ve made a lot of self discoveries and personal decisions involving myself and my parents and siblings and whatnot. As well as just personal in regards to just me.

If ya’ll still on here following and have questions about the last couple of years of my life I’d be willing to answer. And to the best of my ability, explain. Anything before that will not be addressed. It will be flat out ignored. Those parts of my life are over and passed and I’m going to continue moving forward to become the best version of myself I can. So those in my future can have the things I couldn’t provide in my past. We learn, we grow. But there’s no looking back.

[maviyenot]

[ai-dream]

[lsleofskye]

[lara-newblog]

[loveandlesbian]

[krysjohnson]

You’re signing off again 🧐 it feels like we’re getting the silent treatment now… is this a common thing you do cause it is damaging especially for the overthinker and makes me feel like I could of spoken up more in discord but I’m a fairly soft spoken person, a handful of us made up a chant of excitement seeing you back. Ugh.

Not signing off. Idk I have to go through all of my asks. We’ll see if ya’ll have convinced me to stay.

But not tonight. I’ve had a very VERY long day.

[krysjohnson]

Alright we’ll since no one can seem to respect boundaries I will be signing out again. I specifically requested and stated that I would not be answering or commenting on anons about my ex. Yet seems that almost every single thing in my inbox is about her. And I will not have my presence on a platform completely run by being involved with another person.

I apologize to those that were actually trying to talk about things other than her. But I’m not gonna be on here and keep having her shoved down my throat. Ya’ll want amends? Ya’ll want answers? Ya’ll want me to be open to talking about things? Then respect some fucking boundaries.

If I come back on here again, it’s gonna be a completely new page. But for now, I’m done with the platform.

Again I’ll apologize to those people actually trying to talk about other things. I actually appreciated those questions and asks.

I’ll leave this up until tomorrow before going away. So those who do actually want more from me than just info on my ex can see it and know.

[krysjohnson]

Chelsea posted about it. Having twins and the neurodivergent duhhh who else. We just thought saying HER instead of her name would be better?

Nope. Don’t

[krysjohnson]

She posted on her story that she has twins and one of them is most likely neurodivergent and he was invited to his very first event and was jumping with joy holding the invite but also crying cause it hasn’t been easy making friends. Didn’t you say you’re the same way? 🤔

Who posted on their story?

I’m def neurodivergent. To what extent is still inconclusive but it’s there. Object permanence is real and has effected many types of relationships for me because without a regular physical interaction I can lose sight and thought of things.

Also, sensory overload is intense. There are days where I can hear the ultrasound machine going when I’m at my desk and it’s around the corner, down the hall, around another corner, and in a room where they close the door while using it. And if sensory overload hits I get hella anxious. This also effects relationships because I have a tendency to tune out and whatnot.

It’s not easy being with me or being my friend all the time

[krysjohnson]

I saw a A lot of people talking about being a Sagittarius I’m assuming you’re one of them? It said that Sagittarius are one of the nicest meanest people and one of the meanest nicest people so you falling into being an ass sounds accurate? It is also said that you never want to make a Sagittarius feel like they are bothering you or forcing something on you because they are naturally a loner a wanderer even when it comes to their own family they are clingy when they love someone but the distance they can give is unreal and very cold. Also if they are mad or angry and don’t wanna talk about things even if you asked it’s not because they don’t wanna tell you or don’t want to solve it it’s just they need time to calm down 

All of this is extremely valid. Yes I am a Sag. And I’ll definitely confess to having many strong sag traits.

I can be really mean if you push me to it. I can be the nicest person. I’m definitely an ass. But I am an asshole filled with love 🤣

Also, don’t piss me off. I’ve heard it’s very scary and just the look on my face pulls an “if looks could kill” vibe

[krysjohnson]

Have you ever heard of emotional addiction? It’s when you’re raising chaotic unpredictable or unsafe environment the body becomes dependent on emotions like fear Shame or even chronic stress unconsciously we need HITS of strong emotions to feel alive or like ourselves even if you are negative emotion or motions that bring us suffering this is y crisis makes many people feel good or needed it’s a distraction from the people are unresolved feelings away to connect with people because connection with family members only happened to Through drama gossip we speak adult relationship or careers that mimic the same emotional pattern if you were raised with cycle emotional addiction stable relationship for people can feel foreign or unappealing and childhood we learned that Love met feeling abandoned betrayed beautiful or angry we believe this is a normal aspect of all relationships to heal you have to remove ourselves from addictive high stress traumatic relationship then begin to teach the body how to feel safe we also need to practice actual emotional intimacy sharing parts of yourself with someone learning together and growing together slowly learn the peace that comes from stability

See this makes a lot of sense, and I can see it. My first real relationship was an extremely toxic and abusive one so I could see that becoming a pattern in my life. But I’ve done a lot of soul searching, learning, and growing and have been bettering myself and becoming comfortable with my own self worth so only good things to come right?

[krysjohnson]

Why would you always say things you shouldn’t? That can make you look irresponsible and unreliable and someone who just says stuff with no regards.

Because I can have a tendency to word vomit if I’m feeling an emotion strongly. Like I said, I’ve been working on it.

But I also won’t claim to be a responsible or reliable person. I have my moments but I also don’t have my moments if ya get me.

[krysjohnson]

Hope you’re having another painless night sorry about your back dude!

Back is much improved! Still sore especially when I’ve been on my feet for longer periods of time but it’s getting better everyday. I was actually able to get out of bed this morning with minimal pain so that’s a plus! Thanks for the check in there

[krysjohnson]

If the doctor pays let me know cause wow. Maybe I need to work some charm haha

Lol if we come to a decision, I’ll try to let you know

[krysjohnson]

Do you see yourself leaving Lakeland soon? To get away from possibly running into your ex and growing away from family and establishing your life somewhere else in fl? I feel if you’re staying at the place your doctor wants you being the location you’re at now so he can keep you close how could you leave? Unless he put you at a different branch? Would you want to go to a different branch?

The company I work for has many different offices and is still expanding. So there are opportunities in staying with the company and what not.

I’ve made friends with people from multiple offices and have the respect of multiple doctors already. This specific doctor I’m talking about though is the big boss founder and what he says goes so idk, we’ll see.

[krysjohnson]

Are you an Anna sympathizer? I wouldn’t want Anna using my music fuck her. She’s a predator and a master manipulator. When she was 22 she was setting underage fans in groupchats ranging from 14-17yr olds.

No I’m not a sympathizer