This is my Tumblr Life.

Hi, I'm Krystin. Just your average girl. Peace.

[krystinmae]

trying new things.

The other day, a friend was like, “damn Krystin, always be trying new things.” Lmao which is obviously expected. And obviously true. I see it as a good and bad thing. Bad thing -- because I can’t decide what’s right for me, I can’t seem to be consistent in that one thing, and I can’t seem to be successful. But I also see it as a good thing because at least I’m trying. At least I’m learning about myself along the way, I’m gaining new knowledge, I’m gaining new skills. And that’s more than okay with me (*tbh these are the things that I need to continue to tell myself that in order to stop feeling bad for wasting a lot of money, effort, and time in something lmao*). 

I started a new part time job, very non-traditional, coming from a bedside nurse aspect lol. It’s definitely pretty easy and up my alley. I’m not sure how vital this job will be in the future, but for now the company seems to be doing very good. I’ve only worked once so far and it was stressful lol but nonetheless easy. And I enjoyed it. I honestly didn’t take this job because I’ve been dreaming about it. I feel like I took it because I can use it as leverage for me to leave the hospital completely. But again, I’m scared of financial instability; what about my benefits; insurance; job stability; etcetcetc. I feel like I’ve been complaining about this for too damn long that I myself am so tired of hearing myself complain and living my life in fear. 

So there’s that. Oh and I’ve also started making candles. Well, I’ve been making candles for a few months now and the testing phase has been HELL lol. For someone who is indecisive, the testing phase can get essssspensive. Half way through candle making, I asked myself so how the hell did I even get to this point? Hoping to launch within the next few weeks. Trying to start out slow. I’ve been stuck in analysis paralysis, fucc. It is terrible lol. But I’m learning how to make a solid decision, focus on one task at a time, and move. on. 

Hopefully (soon) I can just leave bedside completely, rely on this part time job (for now) and start dabbling in all my other side hustles. And in hopes to scale something into a thriving business. And I don’t want to be rich honestly lol. I just want to do something that makes me feel fulfilled, and that can supplement my nursing job completely. Where I can work from home and be my own boss. And just fucking create. 

[krystinmae]

lol, wow.

Lol, wow. At my last post. I was literally an emotional wreck. I felt like my life flash before my eyes at that time and I had no control whatsoever. It felt like an out-of-body-experience. Anybody felt that way before? Who am I talking to anyway? Lmao

Phew, I’m so glad that hurdle is officially over and I can move on with my life in peace, knowing God is the one in control and trusting Him completely. We pick and choose our battles and this is the one I’m willing to face. 

Wha a whirl wind it has been. From finally getting married to... back to normal life LOL. Like what is the next step from here? 

Still in the process of how tf do I leave bedside? In case nobody knows, I hate my job LOL. I mean. It’s fine.... But my heart is obviously not there anymore. And it’s been like that for yearsss. But by ass is too damn scared to leave. (I mean I did leave, for travel nursing, but obviously... I came back lmao. That’s what happens when you retrieve to your comfort, ugh).

I also thought for the longest time I wanted to be a wedding photographer. That was my goal. For the last 2 years I was trying to focus and hone on that. Issa no for me dawg. I’m just SO flabbergasted at how much I physically hated shooting weddings lol. I am more physically tired than a 12 hour shift at the hospital. Literally. (I guess it’s not a fair comparison bc we sit a lot at the hospital lmao). But still! My back is aching. And the fact that I have to YELL at everyone to pose and look at the camera (I don’t even have a loud voice to begin with wtf). And everyone is STARING at me, asking “what’s next what’s next” when my ass is already indecisive and awkward to begin with. 

People kept telling me just keep shooting more weddings maybe you need to just get your feet wet even more! And so I did. And shot 2 more weddings, totaled to be 4 weddings total. ISSA NO FOR ME DAWG. I’m just so upset at how much I didn’t like shooting weddings LOL. I think that idea stayed in my head for the longest time. And I thought that was literally my calling. And not anything else that I’ve tried so far. 

But it isn’t. But wow, it feels so so so so good to know 100% it’s not for me. Because I know myself and I’m always on the fence about a lot of things. I always feel unsure about my decisions and I’m NEVER confident in any of my gut feelings. But I am 100% confident, in my gut feeling, that this isn’t for me. And I feel relieved.

I do however, still enjoy shooting smaller things, like family portraits, newborns, engagements, etc. Just. Not. Weddings. Lol. 

Anyways back to the drawing board lol. I have some ideas up my sleeve but obviously too scared to share bc then I would be committed to the idea lol. We’ll see. 

[krystinmae]

wow that was unexpected.

Lol it's so funny how I only come on tumblr when I get a chance to think. Ponder. Pray. And also when there's a lot of emotions that I can't seem to process.

Things I've learned: I'm terrible at public speaking, as the same goes for being put on the spot to pour out my true feelings that I've bottled up since forever; I was at my most vulnerable and I just felt like I was hallucinating honestly; I have literally the bestest of friends with the best support and perspective on life; Don't just put things under the rug and leave it there; You can't say someone is more godly than you -- only He can be the judge of that; an outside person can't judge your life in just within an hour of conversation; respect and understanding is literally all that I ask for; when you keep asking God to give you a sign, He may or may not have already given you one -- you just haven't noticed it yet; having quiet time is super important; be confident; don't be afraid to ask for help because you can't always do it alone; don't lose sight of your calling and what you are made for; when you think one path isn't for you, try a freaking new one -- and take ownership in it; stop playing the comparison game bro; people who offer services that have good communication is the #1 thing I look for; my dream wedding is no longer able to exist but finally found peace in that #ronasucks; but whoever shows up to our wedding - shout out to y'all for risking your lives to be with us lol (no seriously.); don't expect people to change, but still encourage people to strive to be a better version of themselves; people who cheer you on for the smallest things - keep those people in your life; nothing can change over night - it's a process; trust in Him. You'll be okay, Krystin. You'll be okay.

[krystinmae]

insane.

So we’re in quarantine huh, lol. Never in my life would I guessed I would be living in the middle of a pandemic. It’s insane. 

Ok, I’m going to admit. I thought it was nothing. And that the media was blowing things out of proportion. Only because the virus is new and we don’t know how tf it acts. But damn, I was wrong. Obviously. 

We’ve been stuck at home for more than a month now and a lot of people are going crazy. People are losing jobs. People are terrified. People are getting sick. People are hoarding toilet paper. I type all this out so that way if future me ever reads this blog post ever again at 60 years old, I would remember how life was during this time (yes, toilet paper!!). 

I am so freaking grateful for job security. And also for not being a frontline healthcare worker. I’ve followed so many travel nurses who went to NY to help out and that shit is real. And I just cannot imagine. I just can’t. 

It’s funny though. How I recently got a DBA. Ready to take the bullet and go part time. And boom, coronavirus happened. And life just got even more unexpected. And what I planned - out the door, completely.

I’ve just been cruising. Being annoying af and not wanting to launch my new website. So annoying, Krystin. I’m off for two weeks because I was suppose to go to Korea so I’m doing a staycation. And I have all this time to fix my damn website and I’m over here writing a tumblr post! Wtf -_-  

Also wedding planning is on hold. I know it’s in the fall and far from now. But second surge can happen. And things won’t ever “go back to normal” because this is our new normal now. Wearing masks. Being germaphobes. Social distancing. I have a feeling large events will be max of 50 people probably. We’ll see. Regardless, my “dream wedding” is out the window as of right now lol. And if that’s how it’s gonna be, fine by me... because that means it’ll be cheaper lmao. 

So we’ll just see what unfolds within these next few months. 

Praying for everyone’s health and safety, especially for one of my good friends who caught the virus. 

[krystinmae]

lol, hi

Vulnerability -- I’ve learned that if I want to get where I want to be in my career or life in general, I need to learn how to be vulnerable. And be true to myself. And be as real as possible. And not hide behind closed doors anymore. Which I feel like is so difficult for me, especially because I’m highly introverted. Not sure if this is the right path for me. And I feel like I say that for a lot of things, tbh. And tbh I never feel like I’m 100% sure I’m supposed to be exactly where I’m at and doing what I’m doing today lol. But you know, maybe one day I’ll have like an epiphany moment and be like whoa. This is truly God’s calling for me. And this is what I’m meant to do. So let me pour my whole heart and soul into this, be present in every moment I am in, and go full speed ahead. Maybe one day it’ll happen, maybe not. I’ll just continue to pray for guidance. And hope that I realize (soon) that if something isn’t for me, then I need to stop taking this path and take another one. I feel like I’ve taken so many different paths (well... not really compared to other people, but in my mindset, definitely have taken way too many paths) that I’m just so tired of going back and forth trying to figure out my purpose in life. So tired of not being so sure. So tired of investing my time in one thing and realizing it’s not for me. But you know, I just need to continue to trust God that if something doesn’t work out for me, there’s a reason why he brought me down that path to begin with. And in hopes that I at least learn something from it. I feel like I’m lowkey stressing about trying to “figure out” who and what the hell am I supposed to be doing lol because I thought I would have it togetha’ at 27 years old lmao. I thought I would just be CRUISIN’ through life. Have a nice, stable job. Be happy with that job. Have a stable income. Be married. Have a home... And on my off days and downtime, I am gardening, reading books, decorating my home, trying different workouts, and scrapbooking lmao. But here I am, using my downtime to work and invest in things that I think are right for me, currently. And research and educate myself in things that I think will make me be successful. And sadly, it may or may not be a true investment because I may or may not be successful at the end. BUT. Ultimately, don’t get me wrong - I am still SO VERY GRATEFUL for the life I have. For the roof over my head. For the job that I currently have, the lifelong security it gives me and for everything that I’ve learned it. And I’m grateful that if things don’t pull through, I have something to rely on at the end. ANYWAY. Just something personal. And vulnerable to share. And also, who really uses tumblr anyway lol. 

[krystinmae]

long time no tumblr.

I miss blogging. I miss journaling. Two things that I did quite often back in the day. Helped me get my mind right sometimes. Or maybe it just made me overthink situations more. 

Life update: Still working in the same place. But I keep telling myself that it’s okay. I’ve been contemplating about going part time to make my side hustle into a real deal. And I feel like if I wait too long, like I’ve had in the past, I’ll lose motivation, I’ll lose momentum, and I’ll end up settling for what I have. But I also want to save up money to gtfo this house already and live my freaking life. 

I did my first official paid engagement photo shoot and I’m entirely grateful. I still don’t have a website up, even though I said I’d work on it back in February. It’s currently June. 

I did a lot of calligraphy projects for 2 recent weddings. Haven’t been doing much calligraphy since I’ve been trying to focus moreso on photography right now.

I am all over the place rn. 

Also, my good friend got married. MARRIED. My heart is full of joy for them, and also sadness because now I can’t come over until 2am to work on calligraphy projects until I’m delirious lmao. Love you.

I haven’t been traveling a lot anymore. Trying to be an adult and save. But I miss traveling so much. Even if it’s just for a weekend trip to Austin. Like every two months. I. Need. It.

Though I am going to Vegas next weekend. But I’m dreading so much because I hate Vegas. I hate that type of party scene. The loud edm type of music. And heat + alcohol + me = game over. And the fact that I’m going with people I don’t really know. But who knows. Might be fun… lol. Guess I need to have an open heart/mind with new things, new experiences and new people – recipe for anxiety for an introvert. Lol. 

Been pretty consistent with the gym and clean eating. I stopped lifting heavy completely. Well, for now lol. I wanted to be just as strong as the other powerlifters at the gym. But honestly, as of right now, it’s not my priority. Trying to focus on building my endurance instead. I remember when I was doing a program that focused a lot of heavy leg exercises, on a daily basis I walked so slow. Not because I was hurting lol but because I just felt heavy. It’s not a bad thing though. But I want to wake up and have energy and feel good and be able to walk, run and go up the stairs without feeling like a turtle that’s about to pass out. 

Goodday. 

[krystinmae]

lost opportunities ‘cuz ya ass be lazy af and loves to procrastinate until it’s too late. and it was too late. ugh

im annoyed of myself

bye

[krystinmae]

I’m not worth it.

But maybe someday I will be to somebody.

[krystinmae]

You’re afraid you have no talent.

You’re afraid somebody else already did it better.

You’re afraid everybody else already did it better.

You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life. 

You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing.

You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavors as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money. (this was actually the bulk of my previous post, wow.)

You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline. 

You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with. 

You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back. 

You’re afraid you’re too old to start. 

I’m only on page 15 but wow, couldn’t this book be anymore on point. Just wanted to share the more relatable ones for myself.

Here’s a quick reminder that everything is goddamn scary, but take courage. Because living a creative life is for the brave. Because “we all know that when courage dies, creativity dies with it. We all know that fear is a desolate boneyard where our dreams go to desiccate in the hot sun.”

[krystinmae]

long time no tumblr.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on this platform. It feels strange. And nostalgic. But good. Haven’t been blogging or journaling lately and that used to be a *huge* thing for me. I feel like it helps me clear out my head. Lately my mind has just been on the go. Which isn’t bad, either. 

It’s hard to go back to square one. I come back home, settle in, everything is back to normal and I’m like okay, what now? It’s so easy to tell a stranger what you want to pursue. But it’s hard to actually do it. It’s hard not comparing your journey with someone else. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re too scared to even start. Because you don’t want to waste money, waste your time, waste your effort. You don’t want to go around and tell people this is what I want to do with my life but you end up not being successful. And then you go and try to do something new instead and the cycle repeats. At least, so far, it has for me. I feel like the more I want to tell people, friends and family, the more motivated it’ll have for me because they’re expecting me to show some progress. But at the same time, I don’t want to because they’ll just be like why, you’re not even that great. 

I’m been struggling with the idea of how I want to live my life, what I see myself doing as an adult (and lols, I’m already an adult. Why do I talk so future-tense) what I am truly, truly passionate about, and most of all what is the most realistic? It’s feasible of course, but do I want it that bad? (But I know what I don’t want that bad lmao). 

But yes, I’m sick and tired of talking. I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of not doing. I’m tired of dreaming. I’m tired of staying one place. And I’m tired of being just okay. And I know being just okay is okay, of course. But I want to be satisfied. I want to feel motivated. I want to inspire. I want to live intentionally. 

Anyway, that’s all for now.

[krystinmae]

Aria @ 6 months // @jaiphilly https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnlj0cYlLy9/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=11vlk0v5rikuk

[krystinmae]

Happy Left Hander’s Day to all my lefties 🙋🏻‍♀️ I know we all have #lefthandedproblems but we always tryna’ make it work in this dominantly right handed world, right? I mean, how many people have gotten mad at you for bumping into their arm while eating 😂#lefthandedcalligraphy #happylefthandersday (at Houston, Texas)

[krystinmae]

When people think your congratulation envelopes are bridal or graduation related, but they’re actually for the tiny humans who get to go home with their family 👶🏻🤱🏻👪 #envelopecalligraphy #moderncalligraphy (at Texas Children's Hospital)

[krystinmae]

When people think your congratulation envelopes are bridal or graduation related, but they’re actually for the tiny humans who get to go home with their family 👶🏻🤱🏻👪 #envelopecalligraphy #moderncalligraphy (at Texas Children's Hospital)

[krystinmae]

When people think your congratulation envelopes are bridal or graduation related, but they’re actually for the tiny humans who get to go home with their family 👶🏻🤱🏻👪 #envelopecalligraphy #moderncalligraphy (at Texas Children's Hospital)

[krystinmae]

Another look on that navy 🧐 #envelopecalligraphy #moderncalligraphy (at Houston, Texas)

[krystinmae]

When Drake drops that new album and it stays on repeat. 🎶 #drake (at Houston, Texas)