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Tall, Blond and Salty

My gift to @thirdgymsquad for @kurotsukiexchange , It was due last week and lemme tell you, procrastination and fear of writing is a bitch.

Special thanks to @xlady-saya for beta reading this.

Read on AO3

“All I’m saying is, it’s not as bad as it sounds, Bro, it tasted good didn’t it?” Kuroo asked Bokuto as they walked to the campus library.

Bokuto froze, before turning to Akaashi, his eyes pleading. Akaashi sighed, tired and full of suffering. Kuroo knew his “masterpiece” was terrible. Admittedly, he didn’t think the recipe through. Peanut butter flavored tuna sounded disgusting, but there was only so many ways to cook fish.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, he slowed down to check his phone.

“Ooof.” He groaned when someone bumped into him, still, he was happy to distract himself from his friend’s criticism. Kenma hadn’t said anything but if the grimace on his face was any indication, his food bad.

He unlocked his phone and saw a notification from Twitter; maybe he shouldn’t have posted the recipe online.

@Karasuno: Wow, I have seen lots of hideous things but Peanut butter flavored tuna??? I’m giving you -5 out of 10. the goal is not to have someone pass out from seeing your food.

Kuroo blinked, and then blinked again. “What the hell?”

Bokuto’s gray and black hair blocked his view, he tried to pull his phone away to hide the tweet from him, but the owl had seen the tweet and was already laughing.

“Akaashi, you have to see this,” Bokuto said. Without waiting for Akaashi’s response, he grabbed Kuroo’s phone and shoved it in his boyfriend’s face.

“Oi, Give me that.”

Kuroo tried to grab his phone back, but Bokuto snatched his way from his reach, turned around and showed the tweet to Kenma. Kuroo gaped in surprise when Kenma raised his head from his game to see the tweet. The betrayal.

“I’ll admit, your recipe isn’t the most attractive, although I wouldn’t have phrased it that way,” Akaashi said while laughing.

His food wasn’t that bad okay? Maybe he should have added some bell peppers to add some color, but overall it was not bad. It was edible! “All that matters is the taste.”

“If you say so,” Kenma replied, his attention back to his game.

“I feel so attacked right now.”

Kenma hummed in response. Kuroo turned to Bokuto who was still laughing, smacked the back of his head, and then turned to glare at Akaashi who was still smiling.

“Who is @Karasuno anyway?”

“Sounds familiar, maybe it’s that asshole that keeps laughing when you spike,” Bokuto said.

“Nah bro that’s Hanamaki.”

“Why don’t you just check their profile?” Akaashi said.

Kuroo could hear the eye roll; he hummed and checked Karasuno’s Twitter profile.

Karasuno was a chips and burgers place, just outside the campus. He’d never heard of them, but they seemed to be pretty active on Twitter. He typed out his reply and sent it.

@Kurookat: It wasn’t that bad. It was edible, it tasted good, that’s all that matters.

Minutes later his phone vibrated with another notification from Twitter

@Karasuno: How often do you tell yourself that? I’m a bit concerned for your wellbeing. But I’ll give you the benefit of doubt.

Kuroo frowned, what the hell? What asshole managed Karasuno’s twitter?

“What’s the problem?”

Kuroo looked up from his phone to the worried look on Akaashi’s face before realizing that he had stopped walking and was in the middle of the stone path. Bokuto and Kenma were several steps away looking just as concerned as Akaashi.

“Nah, it’s just Karasuno. I’m pretty sure whoever manages their twitter account is a dick.” Kuroo said handing the phone to Akaashi to see the tweet.

Akaashi wrinkled his nose at his words but took his phone nevertheless. “Wow, it’s rare for your recipe to cause such… strong reactions.”

Kuroo glared at him but otherwise said nothing.

“Come on, we’re almost at the library, just ignore them.”

Kuroo nodded, but he clicked on Karasuno’s profile again, this time to check their tweets. Next to him he heard Akaashi sigh. He grinned sheepishly and began walking.

They arrived at the library, and Akaashi and Bokuto left to find an empty spot, leaving Kuroo and Kenma engrossed on their phones. Kuroo went back to Karasuno’s profile and read their recent tweets, it was definitely different from their older tweets. They probably got a new twitter manager or something.

@Karasuno: There is definitely a special place in hell for people who put fruits on their pizza. I can “tolerate” pineapple on pizza (I’m looking at you Blandy) but putting strawberries is just asking for trouble.

@Karasuno: It’s unfair that burgers doesn’t count as healthy food - it contains vegetables. It’s practically a salad!

Kuroo laughed at their tweets, admiring his favorites.

@Karasuno: I’m going to be honest @No1Setter if you were on fire and I had water, I’d throw it away and rush to get a grill. At least then you might actually be good at something.

Karasuno’s twitter manager might be an ass, but if Oikawa was getting the same treatment then he didn’t mind. He continued scrolling down until he saw some food memes. There was a fat cat eating some burgers with the caption ‘I’m not fat, I’m poofy’ He laughed aloud, he jumped in surprise when Kenma jabbed him on the ribs.

Kuroo turned to his friend but Kenma’s attention was still on his phone, so he looked around and found a pretty blond guy with glasses glaring at him, the people around pretty blond looking just as annoyed. Kuroo smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck.

Behind pretty blond and his group was Bokuto, who was waving his hands obnoxiously at Kuroo. He walked towards his friend, the sound of Kenma’s soft steps behind him.

As the four of them settled at the vacant table, Kuroo showed Bokuto the cat tweet and they both laughed. They laughed at more tweets much to Akaashi’s annoyance. The setter reached out to take his phone but he dodged and sat out of his reach.

“Do you think I should ask them for an apology?” He asked.

Akashi sighed. “We can discuss this later; you have a test in three days. If you don’t read you’ll fail.”

“Nope, I read a bit already. Nobody has asked Karasuno for an apology, who knows I might get one.”

Akaashi ignored his last statement. “If you don’t read, neither will Bokuto and if he fails this test I will kill you.”

“Fine, fine, come on bro lets re… OH MY GOD, bro you should see this.” Kuroo said, showing the tweet to Bokuto. They laughed at the tweet. Kenma jabbed him again and he winced. “Fine lets study bro.”

Bokuto deflated but nodded, “I don’t think you would have gotten an apology anyway.”

-0-

It was dark and cold as they walked out of the library, Kuroo tugged at his jacket and rubbed his hands together. He should have worn thicker jackets or brought gloves. In front of him was Kenma on his phone, playing a game, and next to Kenma was Akaashi and Bokuto. The setter was asking Bokuto questions about what he had read. His attention drifted to Karasuno’s recent tweets. He still wanted an apology. Kuroo took out his phone and typed a tweet.

@Karasuno: I want an apology for your insult to my recipe… and the name of your twitter manager. He is salty as hell.

“But Akaashi, I remember what I read, I’m just hungry,” Bokuto said, his voice sounding a bit far away. He looked up to see his friends ahead of him. He returned his phone to his pocket and walked faster to catch up to them.

From the corner of his eyes he saw the pretty blond guy with glasses. He was tall, and skinny, like a beanpole, still pretty though.

“Wow, he’s tall,” Bokuto said, drawing him from his staring.

“I know right?”

“He’d be a good blocker.”

“Height isn’t everything, Lev is tall but sucks at blocking.”

Bokuto’s face scrunched up in thought before he nodded.

“Maybe the problem is his teacher,” Kenma said, his eyes still on his game.

Kuroo fake gasped and reached out to cuff Kenma on the head playfully. “I’m a wonderful teacher, the best.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Kenma replied with a small smile on his face

-0-

The next morning, Kuroo laid in bed, rolling over to check his phone and click on the Twitter notification.

@Karasuno: @KurooKat we can’t give you the name of our social media manager, but we can give you hints 😊 would you be interested in a scavenger hunt? The prize is a free meal for four and an apology.

Kuroo blinked at the tweet before taking a screenshot and forwarding it to their group chat.

Oya Oya Oya

Brookuto: Free food! Bro, you should join the hunt!!!!

Akaaaaashi: I agree, this way all the time you spent on Twitter might actually be worth something.

Pudding: It’s too early for this.

Pudding: Don’t lose

Pudding: I like their burgers

Kuroo: … All it took to get you talking was burgers?

Kuroo replied to Karasuno’s tweet. Minutes later they replied.

@Karasuno: The scavenger hunt is open to all, starting today, every day at noon we’ll post a hint, the first person to discover who our social media manager is, wins.

The scavenger hunt sounded simple enough.

-0-

Kuroo stretched against the wall, working out the kinks in his back. Sitting through a boring two-hour class, was hell. He waited for Kenma outside his class, the hallway was crowded and he bumped into several students but he paid them no mind, he saw blond hair in his periphery but he ignored it, his attention on his phone – specifically on Karasuno’s tweet.

@Karasuno: I’m here spot me

Attached to the tweet was a picture of Karasuno’s staff. Ugh, how was he supposed to figure out who he was when there were at least 15 people in the picture?

Someone tugged on his shirt and he looked around to see Kenma, he saved the picture before putting his phone in his pocket.

They walked to the café to meet Akaashi and Bokuto. They arrived a few minutes later and saw Akaashi and Bokuto already settled around their table.

“Bro, have you seen the hint?” Bokuto asked his eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Yea, there’s so many of them but I think I can narrow it down.”

He took out his phone and clicked on the saved image.

“It might be this guy.” he pointed to a grumpy looking guy with blue eyes, short hair with v-bangs and a scowl on his face. “It might also be him, he has a mean glare.” He pointed to the tall pretty blond from the library. “Might also be him.” He points to a guy with shaved head and his hand balled up into fists in front of him. “He looks like he wants to fight everyone.”

Akaashi sighed, “We need to narrow it down.”

“What of him, he looks kind of friendly though. He has a pretty face but maybe he’s like Akaashi.” Bokuto said, pointing to a guy with silver hair, a mole under his left eye, and a friendly smile on his face.

Kuroo nods and replied, “Behind the smiley face is the devil.”

“Oya? I’m a devil now?”

“A very pretty devil,” Bokuto replied with a smile before kissing Akaashi on the cheek. Kuroo snorted.

-0-

He only had one class on Wednesdays at 4 p.m. so he woke up late- It was almost 11 a.m. He took a slow bath and returned to the dorms, but it was still 11:35 a.m., he walked around, made himself a cup of tea and munched on some biscuits to pass the time – 11:40 a.m. Giving up, he played Candy Crush to pass the time. At exactly 12 noon he closed his game to check Karasuno’s Twitter, but the hint had not been posted, five minutes later he checked again and saw the second hint.

@Karasuno: I handle customer calls on Wednesday from 8 am to 3 pm.

Attached was an image of a burger with Karasuno’s logo –black crows - and their phone number. Kuroo memorized the number and switched to his phone app to call them.

“Hello, this is Karasuno, how can I help you?” The voice sounded irritated, breathtaking, but irritated. Also, the salty asshole was definitely a guy.

Crap! He didn’t think this through, what was he supposed to say?

“Um… hi.”

“Great, another one.” Kuroo heard him sigh and was struck by the fact that he was probably not the first person to see the hint and call. “Would you like to order something or make a complaint?”

Wow did this salty asshole have a pretty voice. “You have a pretty voice.” Oh God, he did not just say that.

Kuroo heard another sigh and he could feel the salty asshole rolling his eyes. “I’m afraid I’ll have to end the call if you have nothing else to say.”

“Wait…”

“Order something then.”

“Um… okay, I’ll have a burger and fries.”

“What kind of burger?”

“Surprise me? Wait, is that a weird thing to say? Any burger will be fine… seriously I don’t mind, it’s my first time trying your burger. Which would you recommend?”

The salty asshole sighed and Kuroo wanted the call to be over. He wasn’t sure what burger he ended up ordering, but he was glad the awkwardness was over.

Oya Oya Oya

Kuroo: So, today’s hint was that the jerk would be handling the customer calls

Kuroo: …I called Karasuno, I was not prepared…

Kuroo: His voice is pretty, prettier than Akaashi’s

Brookuto: Impossible

Kuroo: Bro I swear, I could marry his voice. He might be a salty asshole but his voice is wow. On a side note, I might have ordered two large burgers and three fries.

Brookuto: Lol

Akaaaaashi: Idiot

Brookuto: I got you bro, I’m on my way. I’ll help you eat them.

Kuroo: Will you pay for it?

Brookuto: …

Kuroo: Then I’ll be eating it alone

Brookuto: Mean ☹

-0-

Thursday came and with it came one problem – Kuroo could not for the life of him focus on his upcoming test. He had to know what the hint would be. His test was at 2 p.m. and he knew he had read enough to at least get an average mark, he could make it up later.

He checked the time on his phone again and it was still 11:50 a.m. – the same time it was when he checked a few seconds earlier.

“If you have so much time, why don’t you study for your test?”

“But Akaashi…” he whined. Akaashi rolled his eyes but said nothing, next to him Bokuto was focusing intensely on his phone, Kuroo was about to ask what it was until he heard the cartoonish pop sound of Candy Crush.

A few minutes later his phone pinged, and he opened it to see a twitter notification from Karasuno.

@Karasuno: The 3rd hint is… I have Thursdays off but work night shifts on Fridays.

What the hell? Kuroo stared at the tweet, waiting for a new tweet saying, ‘just kidding’

“At least you can read for your test now,” Akaashi said.

Kuroo looked up from his phone just in time to see Akaashi drop his phone on the table. He turned to Bokuto to complain about the injustice, his bro would understand.

“Wow, I don’t think Karasuno’s twitter has ever been this active, you should see some of the replies. People are pissed.” Bokuto said, his eyes still fixed on his phone.

Kuroo sighed, what an underwhelming hint.

He dropped his phone to look at the notes scattered on their table. He should probably read a bit more for the test. Behind him someone laughed, he turned to see the pretty blond with glasses from the library, with a short guy with freckled and a cowlick, they were both laughing at someone on blondie’s phone. On their table was a slice of cake with two plastic forks in it.

Pretty blond took a piece of his cake and his face melted into one of absolute bliss. Kuroo’s eyes were drawn to his lips, the press of the fork highlighting pale pink lips. Blondie chewed for a bit before swallowing and Kuroo’s eyes followed the bob of his Adam’s apple. What would it feel to kiss him, to trace his fingers along his lips, to bite that neck…

A jab to his ribs brought his attention to Akaashi, who rolled his eyes before palming his forehead. He wasn’t that obvious, was he? He risked a glance at blondie, if he was lucky no one would have noticed his staring.

Nope, blondie definitely noticed if the raised eyebrow and smirk was anything to go by. Kuroo’s mouth went dry as blondie licked the icing on his lips… slowly.

“Oh God.” He groaned.

“You’re hopeless,” Akaashi said.

Yes, he was.

One thing was clear though, Blondie was definitely not the mean asshole that managed Karasuno’s Twitter. He was way too pretty for that. Seriously, look at him!

-0-

Kuroo was sure he would flop Thursday’s test, he blamed blondie for that. But Friday evening he was prepared. He was not going to repeat the embarrassing call on Tuesday, he was going to find the salty bastard, demand an apology and get his free meal.

The plan was simple,

Find an empty seat to look around and watch all the employees for who would be the salty asshole

Order a burger

Use the opportunity to chat with whoever is at the register

Find out if he is the salty bastard, or at least get a good hint of who he is

He stood outside Karasuno, he could smell the fries and burgers… and the apology he was about to receive. He walked, taking the time to look around, Karasuno was packed. Each table had at least five seats around it, each of which was occupied, he turned to find an empty table but found none.

There went step 1. He walked to order his meal, at the register was the grumpy looking guy with v-bangs. This was definitely the asshole who dissed his recipe.

“What would you like?” Grumpy V-bangs said, his face set in a frown. God, was that his default expression? This guy.

“So, you’re the salty asshole that manages Karasuno’s Twitter right? I want my apology!”

“What?” Grumpy V-bangs… Kuroo bent slightly to see the name on the name tag – Kageyama.

Kageyama’s expression turned from shock to irritation to disgust. “I AM NOT THAT JERK.” He yelled and yeah, he didn’t sound as sexy as the salty asshole.

Okay, so he might have gotten that wrong. Kageyama’s voice drew the attention of several people, including the angelic-looking dude that reminded Kuroo of Akaashi.

“Shit, sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.” He said, trying to defuse the situation before they drew more attention.

“Do people think, I’m that asshole? Is that why everyone has been weird since I got in?”

Kuroo blinked, unsure of what to say, he turned to the angelic dude for help, but he just stood there looking amused. Kuroo froze as Kageyama gripped the front of his shit “I am nothing like that jerk.”

He nodded, relief flooding his veins when Kageyama finally released his shirt. The angelic dude apologized to Kuroo and offered him a discount on his order, he nodded but noted that the angelic dude didn’t sound like the salty asshole either. He grabbed his meal and left as fast as he could.

-0-

“And that’s what happened,” Kuroo said, recalling the incident at Karasuno. The bunk bed rattled as Bokuto laughed.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe he grabbed you.”

“He grabbed my shirt, not me. Although seriously, I can’t believe he was so offended. Even the salty asshole’s co-workers think he’s a jerk.”

“I wish I was there to see that, you should have recorded it.”

“No need, it seems like someone did,” Akaashi said, holding up his phone.

Sure enough, there was a video of Kageyama grabbing and shaking Kuroo.

“Kill me now,” Kuroo said as he sank into his bed, covering his face in embarrassment.

His phone beeped. It was a twitter notification from Karasuno.

@Karasuno: I cannot believe, people think, I’m high highness Blandy the third. He has the personality of a wet tissue.

Attached to the tweet was a picture of Kageyama, his etched frown deeper, and his eyes glaring in anger.

Kuroo laughed, “Blandy the third. I take it back, I’m going to marry whoever runs Karasuno’s twitter.”

“I thought you hated him?” Bokuto asked.

“I mean I still want my apology but, his voice is hot, he is a sarcastic asshole, his Twitter game is strong. He’s perfect. Don’t worry bro you’ll be my best man.”

“The blond you were ogling works at Karasuno right?” Akaashi asked.

“Uh huh,” Kuroo said.

“Why don’t you just ask him to tell you who runs the account or ask him to give you a decent hint?”

“Shit Akaashi you’re a genius,” Kuroo said, sitting upright suddenly and falling back in pain when he hit his head on the bed’s iron frame. “Ouch.”

Akaashi sighed. He had been doing that a lot recently.

-0-

Saturday’s hint was unhelpful, but Sunday’s hint gave away who Karasuno’s salty monster was.

@Karsuno: It has come to my attention that I overestimated your intelligence, today’s hint should be enough, otherwise there truly is no hope for you. “Tall, blond and salty.” One more thing, I’m off today.

Kuroo blinked and opened his gallery to the first image of Karasuno’s staff. There were two blonds but only one caught his attention; The pretty blond from the library, the same one who made him unable to concentrate during his test.

He groaned and sent a message to the group chat.

Oya Oya Oya

Kuroo: Have you seen the hint

Pudding: Too much effort required.

Brookuto: OMG, do you think it’s your blond or the other blond with the headband.

Akaaaashi: I am hoping the point of this message is to tell us you’re looking for him, I’m waiting for my burgers.

Kuroo: Fine I’m on my way to Karasuno, maybe someone knows where he is.

Pudding: Check the Library first

Kuroo grabbed his wallet and put on his shoe as he headed for the library. He doubted pretty blond would be there, but it was closer than Karasuno.

-0-

Ten minutes later he was at the library, and there was no sign of pretty blond on the ground floor. He wondered whether to check the other floors or go straight to Karasuno. Pretty blond might not be at the library and he was wasting time. He decided to do a quick scan of each floor, just in case.

On the third floor was pretty blond and freckles, there were few people on the floor and they were easy to spot. He walked up to the pretty blond, smirk on his face and said, “Tall blond and salty huh?”

Freckles laughed, and Kuroo wondered if he got it wrong. “Come on, I know I got it right!” He whined.

“You did,” pretty blond said, his hand hiding his chuckles.

Even his laughter was pretty. “Yes!” Said with a fist pump.

“You can come with your friends to Karasuno, for your meal,” pretty blond said. Kuroo really needed to learn his name.

“Sure. But first I want my apology. The peanut tuna recipe wasn’t so bad,” Kuroo said, sitting in the empty seat in front of him.

“Yes it was, it sounds as horrible as it looked,” pretty blond said with a smirk, his glasses glinting

“It was edible.”

“Barely,” he shot back.

“I’m sure you’d change your mind when you eat it. I’ll cook for you.”

Pretty blond leaned closer and replied, his voice low, almost a whisper. “Cook something else and I might agree.”

“For someone so pretty, you are salty as hell.”

“For someone with a nest for hair, you’re not bad looking yourself.”

Kuroo placed an arm on his chest. “You wound me.,” he said with mock hurt.

Freckles coughed and Kuroo jerked in shock, he had forgotten they weren’t alone. “Um… Hi.”

Freckles shook his head as he chuckled. “Tsukki, I’ll leave you two to… continue this.” Freckles stood up and began packing some of the books on the table into his bag before leaving.

Kuroo watched his retreating form before turning to pretty blond. “Tsukki huh.” He said with a grin.

“It’s Tsukishima.”

“But Tsukki sounds cute.”

“I changed my mind, I’m not trying your food. Besides, you still haven’t told me your name, or should I call you KurooKat?”

“You can call me your future husband,” Kuroo said, wiggling his eyebrow. Tsukishima laughed before hitting him playfully with a book.

#fanfic #thirdgymsquad

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