tinatangi

i’m here, palagi

[kwentongclengguh]

It’s always the smallest lies that kills relationships.

[kwentongclengguh]

Lord..

Homesick na homesick na ko, tapos nawawala pa ang singsing na bigay ng nanay ko.

Bakit naman ganon Lord?

🥺 Sana mali ako sa hinala ko, Lord. Sana please. Bukas sana makita ko syang nasa bahay lang or sa sasakyan, Lord. 😭😭😭

Pamana pa sakin ng nanay ko yun, grabe. Iyak na ko ng iyak. Hindi naman ako burara pero bakit naman yun pa, Lord 😭😭😭

Lord wag na yun, iba na lang 😭

[kwentongclengguh]

Pa-rant ng isa

Last October 14, flight ko na sana pa-Dxb. Unfortunately, na-offload ako dahil sa Immigration.

I don't know why, pero ang daming personal questions sakin. ESPECIALLY nung hiningi nya yung birth certificate ko. Ang hindi ko magets, hinahanapan nya ko ng isang document na hindi ko mapoprovide kasi (1) hindi na nag iisue ang Consulate ng Dxb ng Affidavit of Support sa mga first degree cousins and (2) pinapili nya ko sa list ng mga bagay na pwede kong isubmit and 2/3 ang kaya kong iprovide pero di pa rin nya ko pinayagan???

This was her statement:

"Kelangan ko yung affidavit of support and invitation na authenticated ng Philippine Embassy sa DxB. Kaya lang dahil sa bagong law, hindi listed ang first cousin sa immediate family. Pero iha, yun pa rin ang need ko, ha?"

My answer to her: "Ma'am, kayo na po ang nagsabi, na hindi ako makakakuha ng AoS, how would you expect me to provide it to you and show you, eh hindi na nga listed ang 1st deg cousin as an immediate family? Kaya ko naman pong bayaran expenses ko doon eh. Kaya nga ako nagbook ng hotel, as a tourist. Hindi ko naman sila balak gambalain eh. 2 weeks lang yon and I'll be back by the 29th. My gosh ma'am how do you expect me to get that document?"

Her: "Ah basta yun ang kailangan ko." *tinatakan na boarding pass ko ng "For Immigration Compliance"*

Scene 1:

IO: Kailangan ko ng proof na kumikita ka ng Php 18k a month.

Me: I have Salary Certificate po.

IO: Nope, ang need ko is pay slip.

Me: Hindi po ako makakahingi ng payslip kasi nandito na po ako sa Manila. Also, ako lang po naghuhulog ng money na sweldo ko sa bank ko, kasi nasa clinic naman po kami at 2 lang kaming empleyado. Diba po mas important ang salary certificate?

IO: Kelangan ko pa rin ay payslip.

Me: ???????? Sya wala po. Pero eto po ang salary certificate ko.

Scene 2:

IO: Geron Brain and Heart Clinic? Saan to?

Me: Sa Batangas City po. Pwede ko po kayo bigyan ng COE ko, saka number ng employer ko. Pwede nyo rin po check sa DTI kasi legit po yan.

IO: Kaano ano mo yung owner?

Me: Pinsan ko pong doctor.

IO: Nagwowork ka under sa pinsan mo? Bakit? Anong natapos mo?

Me: Opo. Ano pong masama dun? Physical Therapy po.

IO: San ka graduate? Licensed?

Me: University of Batangas po. Hindi po.

IO: Bakit ayaw mo mag license dito?

Me: Dahil ayaw ko pong magpractice.

IO: Bakit?

Me: Dahil po masaya ako sa pagiging secretary.?????

Scene 3:

IO: Patingin ng bank statement mo.

Me: Sige po, eto po.

IO: Saan galing yung 16k nung Sept 13???

Me: Ha? Uhm, pera ko pong hinulog dahil nagkapera ako?

IO: Eh bakit may dollar exchange dito?

Me: Allowance ko po yun na extra? Pineso ko na lang po kesa lumaki nang lumaki yung baon ko paalis, eh 2 weeks lang naman po ako.

IO: Eh bakit sunod sunod ang transactions mo nugn Aug 30, Sept 1, and 2?

Me: Dahil same answer po kanina, nagkapera ako dahil madiskarte ako. Ako po ay nag oonline selling ng kitchen wares. Hinuhulog ko po whenever it's convenient for me.

IO: Hmmmm.. OK.

Scene 4:

IO: May hotel booking confirmation ka? Asan ang transaction?

Me: May confirmation po akong naprint. Eto po. Hindi ko na po isinama ang transaction/receipt kasi hindi naman po sakin yung credit card.

IO: Kanino? Sinong nag book?

Me: Sa mother ko po. Yung pinsan ko ang nagbook pero using my mother's CC.

IO: Dala mo yung cc?

Me: Hindi po. Bakit ko po dadalhin eh hindi po sakin yun? Useless po sa DxB yun.

IO: Picture meron? Confirm ko lang ending.

Me: Eto po *shows picture of mom's cc*

IO: Bat di ka nag aapply ng cc kung ganito kalaki laman ng account mo?

Me: ??????? Dahil ayoko po ng credit card????

IO: OKAY..

Ang dami pa nyan, kaya wtf??? I stayed almost an hour inside the Immigration. Answered all her questions all down to her saying "Hindi na muna kita mapapayagan umalis ha?" I'M LIKE PUTANGINA?! ALL THOSE QUESTIONS AND YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME GO? SANA KANINA PA LANG??????

Dahil don, gumamit na kami ng Tito Card. Tito to the rescue. Sorry Ms. Buntis, but I'm not having it. Hindi ko pinagsasabi na kamag-anak ko yun, sa lahat, pero nung nakita nung mga guard sa NAIA na may ganong name sa maleta ko, nanlaki mata nila at nung nalaman nila na na-offload ako dahil sa Immi. Even with complete papers, and was able to answer all questions.

[kwentongclengguh]

Leaving everything on the 14th.

Nung bata pa ako, I’ve always wondered how OFWs, like my dad takes their stomachs every time na aalis sila sa Pilipinas, iiwan ang pamilya, mga kaibigan, at iba pa. “It takes some quite of courage,” or “pag nagkapamilya ka na, ang iisipin mo ay ang magandang kinabukasan para sa kanila.” Which, makes sense, kaya siguro din kinakaya nilang malayo sa mga pamilya nila.

My Kap, he always says, “sa una lang mahirap, pag nasanay ka nang umalis at balik, matapang ka na. Kelangan mo lang tatagan ang sarili at wag uula-ulaga.” He’s not really a fan of serious talks kaya he’s trying his best to make me laugh everytime naiisip ko na aalis ako. “Para sa future natin yan, mag iipon tayo remember?” Yes.

I’ve been feeling a sick stomach since last week, when I received my Ticket and Visa. I know, I should be thankful, but anxiety is just around me and I’m really not in my best state when I think about leaving on the 14th.

Last Monday, 3rd of October, I felt dizzy in my car and I just wanted to vomit around the parking lot but of course I didn’t.

Tuesday, I wanted to sleep the whole day and not think about anything because, I think I will be sick to my stomach again.

On Wednesday, I cried my heart out inside the church. Cried so much it looked like someone died or got unemployed and Idk, something like that.

Thursday, there it is, again. I want to trigger my gag reflex and vomit everything out, maybe it’ll fix my anxiety.

Friday, had lunch with my friends, and I needed to use the bathroom 2x and get something out of my system to calm. But there it is, again. The anxiety.

Everything is just happening so fast I couldn’t breathe.

Yesterday, my mom cried and asked me why I never told her about my plans, but my friends, my boyfriend, and others know my plan. She felt being “left out” and that I’m always mataray to her when she’s asking why doe I think I need to go to Dubai. When in fact, I told her a gazillion times that I am going to give her the best life she deserves. I don’t know what else is to say.

“Because I don’t want to see you cry, because then it’ll make me cry, and it’ll make me weak, and maybe even before we part ways on the airport I would rush back to you and tell you that I can’t leave you. Because I can’t ma. I can’t. My anxiety has been attacking me since I got my ticket and visa, kundi mo napapansin, ang onti ko kumain, busog ako all the time. Nasusuka ako all the time. Dryness of mouth is happening to me all the time. Nangangatal ako minsan. *cries so bad* and I don’t wanna tell you because then you’re gonna make me stay, you’re gonna tell me na “wag na kung napipilitan ka lang” because I want to! I want to give you the life you guys deserve because ayoko na maging pabigat. And that’s how I feel. If that makes you feel na mataray ako, I’m sorry but it’s my coping and defense mechanism kasi wala naman akong kakampi don. Andito kayo. You don’t know what I’m going through lately and what I have been praying for, ma. Please, you know what I’m doing this for. And before I can give you that assurance na hinihingi mo, I wanted to assure myself first, kasi nga ma, alam mo na mahina ako. Kaya gusto ko, iassure ko muna sarili ko na kaya ko. Please naman ma, I have been pressured by my own brain because I’m leaving. And you won’t understand kasi you don’t have my brain. It’s my anxiety, and it’s about to kill me and put me down the drain. So please would you just, trust me.”

“Nasa isip mo lang yan.”

“Because it is my brain! Ma, you see? You don’t understand why I’m doing what I’ve been doing and feeling what I have been feeling because you just don’t. And even if I tell you, you’re just always going to say that. Kahit magpakaposotive ako ma, it’s my brain, it’s not wired like how your brain is wired. We’re different, and you know it. You and ate both know it. So I’m sorry.”

Hanggang ngayon, nasa point pa rin ako nang nasusuka at ayaw nang mag next week pa.

Hindi ko na alam saan ko pa ilalagay ang an anxiety ko, kaya ishinare ko na lang dito.

[kwentongclengguh]

27 and iyakin

Birthday ko ngayon, pero di ko alam bakit ako naiiyak the whole day

[kwentongclengguh]

I found it.

I think I may have found the church I’d like to walk onto when I get married, 2-3 years from now.

I know it’s quite early to say but technically we have been “engaged” since June just without rings and no one knows except me, him, one of my besties, and Him! 😅 He wants everyone to know it someday, prolly a year from now or whenever, but I told him that when he asked me and I answered yes, we’re technically “wired and tied” already 😂 but ringless 😂 I KNOW!!!!! Crazy times xx

But - I’ve been feeling ecstatic and excited thinking I’m walking on that aisle. Grabe yung naiiyak ako every time napapanood ko yung video nung area. And I keep telling myself, “I hope I get married there” or “I REAAAAAALLY WANT THERE” and told my Kap that I want to see the chapel first in person to know if I would feel the same way I found the video of the place.

Super… exciting and kaba!?! Hahahahaha wala pa pero napag uusapan na namin yun 😂 OH DIBA.

Assurance is key mga vevz.

[ffspunk]

it’s all fun and games until your depression tells you to crash your car at full speed

[acknowledgetheabsurd]

“I was looked at, but I wasn’t seen.”

- Albert Camus, The Misunderstanding

[u-have-been-hacked]

Sleeping feels so good, that’s one of my fav things to do.

[kwentongclengguh]

Because sleeping for me feels like escaping

[consecuences]

[desecrationsmile-deactivated202]

[kwentongclengguh]

Once you’re drunk second you’re writing

If there’s one thing I’d like to share with everyone today it’s that I’m drunk writing.

Mahal na mahal kita Eejay.

Pipiliin kita araw-araw. Alam mo yan, sana ako rin. Sana ako rin piliin mo araw araw. sana ako rin mahal na mahal mo

[kwentongclengguh]

I can never forget the day you held on to your knees and asked me those words.

Maaaring may inom tayo pareho, at lasing na lasing ka, but I could remember everything that came out of your mouth last night, June 5, 2022.

“I can’t wait to ask you beb. I really can’t. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know, I don’t have a ring 💍 yet, but I can’t wait to ask you, beb.”

You turned on the light and got the ring I have always been wearing since I was 17. “Pahiram muna beb, I’m sorry, this isn’t how I picture myself proposing to you. But I just can’t wait any longer.”

“I want you to have the biggest diamond in that finger. I really do. But I can’t wait to ask you. And I have been thinking about you the whole day. So first things first, beb.”

You got down on your knees.

Holding my ring.

Asking me these four words.

“Will you marry me?”

Without a doubt, I said yes. I’d say yes a million times.

You cried a lot and told me last night you want to hear those words when you’re sober and have proposed to me the way you wanted to. I guess I’ll never remove that ring from my finger unless you proposed to me officially.

Tumblr, keep this secret for my official engagement. 🥹🥺💖💍

[kwentongclengguh]

I couldn’t get my mind off of it.

I told my mom about the possibility that I’m pregnant. She was disappointed. Of course, she was. I promised her a beautiful life once I got a job. And now, I told her I might be, pregnant.

Alam ko namang responsibilidad kong tumulong sa kanila kasi anak ako. Pinag aral ako. Pinalaki ako. Di ako ginutom. Selfish, oo. Siguro nga, selfish talaga ako. Kasi hindi ko naisip yung mga kailangang mangyare muna sa buhay nila bago ako magdecide na pwede na akong mag asawa/anak.

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat maramdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat maging response ko.

[kwentongclengguh]

OK FALSE ALARM - DINATNAN AKO TODAY.

Gusto ko na lang magpalamon sa lupa dahil alam ng nanay ko na we did it….. “once”. Kahit pa. Tangina. Hahahahahahahahaha nukanacleng

[kwentongclengguh]

🌸🌺🌷🎀 https://www.instagram.com/p/CUuwm_vPVnP/?utm_medium=tumblr

[kwentongclengguh]

I couldn’t get my mind off of it.

I told my mom about the possibility that I’m pregnant. She was disappointed. Of course, she was. I promised her a beautiful life once I got a job. And now, I told her I might be, pregnant.

Alam ko namang responsibilidad kong tumulong sa kanila kasi anak ako. Pinag aral ako. Pinalaki ako. Di ako ginutom. Selfish, oo. Siguro nga, selfish talaga ako. Kasi hindi ko naisip yung mga kailangang mangyare muna sa buhay nila bago ako magdecide na pwede na akong mag asawa/anak.

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat maramdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat maging response ko.

[kwentongclengguh]

If there’s one person I refer to as someone supportive in my decisions, I’d say my sister.

My sister has always been there for me guiding me with my decisions and supporting me to every decisions I make. Whether it may be about life, or work, she’s always the one looking out for me.

“Focus on how you feel now. Always remember, you have to focus on yourself. Kasi if hindi, lalo ka lang madodown. Hayaan mo na ang mga sasabihin ng iba. Ako na bahala kay mommy and daddy. Don’t worry. I know you’ll be able to help pa rin naman.”

She’s not requiring anything or expecting anything in return. Lagi nyang sinasabi na “okay lang” sya. Kahit minsan alam ko hindi. She’s the breadwinner kahit na PWD sya. She does this to help mom and dad sa bills. She does not complain. She never did.

“Mapapagod pero magpapahinga lang. Tapos, laban ulit.” Lagi nyang sinasabi sakin yan. Lagi nyang nireremind sakin na okay lang mapagod at magpahinga, wag lang susuko.

Sobrang grateful ko sa ate ko 😭 Lord, lagi mong gagabayan si ate ha. Wag mo sya pabayaan. 😭

“Don’t worry, whatever the result is, I’ll be the best TiNang.” -Ate