Adventures of LA Tinder-Ella

[la-tinderella-blog]

4. Mr. Doofus

As I am sure you have realized by now, I’m a weirdo.  I talk about weird things and I have weird taste in men.  Whilst trolling on Tinder, I received a message from a match asking me if I was a scam-bot, to which I responded with a yes I definitely am a robot;  That seems like the only reasonable thing to stay to someone when asked that, right? Good news, he was too but he was “operating out of a Ukrainian basement.” I immediately fell head over heels for this weirdo.  He was witty and conversations with him went more like an improv bit than getting to know one another.  

After weeks of bullshitting with each other, we decided to trade phone numbers so we could agree upon a date to meet. I have two jobs and work crazy hours so I am not always the most reliable when it come to meeting up.  One night, he called me.  We chatted on the phone for four hours; it was the most outrageous phone conversation I have ever had. He convinced me during our very extensive phone call to meet up with him in LA the following day. I was kind of excited.

The next morning, I woke up early and hit the gym then took my time getting dolled up to meet this ridiculous mystery man.  I drove all the way into the city, which is something people from LA County never do… unless there is something really good waiting for them there.  He asked me to meet him at a mall he like to walk around.  

I parked extremely far away because, I’ve lived in San Diego for the last 7 years and parking is a commodity in the city.  I walked blocks and blocks to get to our meeting spot.  I looked for him but couldn't find him in this crowded center with shoppers gathering christmas presents for their loved ones.  I texted him and asked him what he was wearing, to which he responded, “Little red panties,” with a kissing face emoji; This slayed me.  I was crying face emoji with how well he knew me. We were basically soul mates from first message and I was finally going to meet my match. 

We met on the corner of Brand and Americana in Glendale.  He hugged me briefly and pointed me toward the center of the mall.  We walked and talked about our childhoods as we traversed this somewhat small epicenter. During our travels, he told me about his mother and his siblings and growing up in Idaho.  I told him about my wack-a-doo family and my recent move back to my hometown.  We chatted about college and our political views.  Everything seemed absolutely perfect.  

Finally, we wandered into a barns and noble where were looked at books from all different genres; this sparked new conversation. I picked up a book about serial killers and asked him who his favorite serial killer was.  He immediately launched in to a long discussion about his mother in the 70’s meeting Charles Manson.  I was stunned by his mom’s crazy life.  He told me she was an actress in the 70’s and I had actually seen the one movie she was in! He then told me she had dated different celebrities, including Bob Dylan.  Bob Dylan holds a special place in my heart.  I have weird taste in men and Dylan does it for me.  I was shocked and aghast that his mother would ever stop boning Bob freaking Dylan.  He saw the horror on my face and explained she had left Bob Dylan for his father.  I needed to know who the heck his dad was… who could be better than Bob Dylan-- I mean look at him. 

He asked me if I knew who this actor was to which I immediately was transported to the tram tour at universal studios which I ride almost weekly. 

So I was on a date with the son of two celebrities, one of which hosted SNL during the third season (episode 19 if you get bored). I could see the resemblance to his father in the way he talked.  We continued our conversation and hit upon many serious topics that had little to do with his father and more to do with politics and the current state of America’s youth.   We decided to end our date because he needed to get to work and I needed to fight the traffic home to my little town at the base of the foothills.  On my drive home I called my best friend and regaled the entire tale to him.  He was shocked that I had found myself on a date with a golden globe winner’s son! Of course I would land myself in that situation. 

I walked into my parents house with the biggest smile on my face and my mother asked me where I had been all day.  I told her the absolute, honest to God truth.  She didn't believe me for a second.  I should have known at that moment I would never be the girl on the arm of a celebrity’s son, even a washed up one. 

I spent the next day laying in my bed waiting for him to text me and confess his love to me.  I received nothing.  Finally, later that day while in a meeting with my fellow coaches and advisors, I got the response I had been waiting for, only he wasn't confessing his love for me, he was telling me I was charming and he enjoyed my company but he didn't see any romantic future for us.  I simply liked his text message and left it at that.  He did not respond.   Later, while driving to a basketball game I was to chaperone for my cheerleaders, I asked him why in a very mature way.  I like to know what other people think about me so I can completely disregard it and continue living my life the way I do. He typed for what seemed like ages. Finally he responded and told me I was too thick for his liking and he saw himself with someone that cared about their body.  

I should probably have let it go but I’m an idiot.  I posted a picture on Instagram of me half naked and tagged him in it.  I then used the rest of the night to plot my revenge.  I planned to send him a box filled with the book the movie his father is most known for and ask for him autograph them to the fat cow his son didn’t see a future with. Instead, I decided to send him one copy of Leaving Las Vegas and ask for his father to autograph that one.  If you haven't realized who his father is by this point, lets just say he spent a good deal of his glory days on Amity Island and would need a bigger boat.

[la-tinderella-blog]

3. There is a Special Place in Hell for You, Ghosty McPetterson.

This was technically my first tinder date but it was what really got me addicted to tinder.  I’m from a town where no one ever leaves and there is one public high school.  I managed to get out only to be sucked right back in by a job that I had to take because I’m a petty bitch. I was not raised by rich parents but my hometown is occupied by pretty well off residents.  I’ve come to realize over the last 25 years that if you really love your children, you will send them to private school. I know based on my career choices and my taste in men, I shouldn't have kids because I will never be able to send them to a private school.  The private school in my hood is the rival to my high school, that being said, in high school I had a real hard-on for the boys at that school.  

It’s been 8 years since I graduated from high school and there is still a piece of that high school girl left deep down inside me.  Whilst on Tinder, I matched with a private school boy.   My heart throbbed for him.  He wasn't attractive in a classical sense but I have weird taste in men.  We chatted for a while and he invited me to get tacos at a restaurant near my house.  I agreed and we met up. As far as first dates go, this one seemed like a fairytale.  We chatted for hours and never skipped a beat.  

After we had our fill of ceviche, we decided to go to the only watering-hole in my hometown that would be open on a sunday.  The word “dive” does not even begin to describe the shithole my fellow townies patronize.  We sat in the grungy bar that smelled strongly of vomit and spay paint and discussed politics and the future.  We even made plans to go for a hike, which is apparently the only outdoorsy thing to do when you're from the foothills. We called it a night around hour five. He walked me to my car and kissed me on the cheek then we went our separate ways. 

Now, I’m not a complete nincompoop when it comes to social cues and most of my awkwardness just stems from my inexperience but I decided to let him text me first.  We had been texting nonstop for days before the date so I just assumed my future husband would text me when he thought about me, which obviously would be all the time, right? Two days went by and I heard nothing from him.  I caved and texted him.  He never responded. To this day, I don't know if this dude didn't find me attractive or got abducted by aliens.  I like to assume the latter because thats the only reasonable reason for ghosting.  If you only learn one thing from my memoirs of a lonely girl living in LA, I hope its that there is a special place in hell for any one that ghosts.

[la-tinderella-blog]

2. Supposed Dog Dad

After using Tinder for a few weeks, I had some pretty deep conversations with randos— such as: “how was your weekend," “doing anything fun for the holiday,” and my absolute favorite, “you’re parents must have named you Summer because you're hot.” I started to realize people weren't here to find their soul mates; most of them weren't bright enough to even hold a conversation.  I was still mesmerized by the human trash heap that I had met a few weeks prior and decided to take my research back to the streets again; this time I decided I needed a few rules to keep me safe during my fieldwork.  I would now only meet up with dudes in public places that were well lit and crowded.

I accepted a date to grab a drink with “The Dog Dad” at a brewery near my parents house.  We met up for this drink and had a pleasant time chatting about our lives and our dogs.  He was charming and funny; we had zero awkward silences.  After having a beer and chatting for a few hours, he told me he had been dying to try this new recipe he found on Pinterest with pineapple.  He was literally speaking to my soul at that point. Against all the new rules I had put on my dating life, I decided to go back to his house to have dinner.

His house was immaculate.  The carpet was beautiful, soft, and white.  The couches had throw pillows on them like a staged house right before a showing.  I was stunned.  He started rummaging through his fridge and cabinets for the ingredients to make this Pinterest meal.  I perched myself upon the bar, fully prepared to make conversation while he prepared dinner.  He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the other side of the counter and informed me that no one gets to just watch in his kitchen.  This room was immediately transformed into a scene from that one old movie with the pottery bullshit, yeah thats the one.  We’re cutting pineapple and making teriyaki sauce from scratch then he tries to kiss me.  Fine, one little kiss.  No, he threw me against the wall and started assaulting my face with his tongue.  I pulled away just long enough to utter the words, “Bathroom?”  He pointed me toward his bathroom and I sprinted down the hall.  I peered into his bedroom briefly, which was as spotless as the rest of the house.  ThIs made me suspicious because he supposedly had a husky and there was literally no hair or dog in the house.  

After searching his medicine cabinets and just wasting a few minutes while he cooled down in the kitchen, I returned.  The dog thing was really driving me crazy so I blurted it out.  He said his dog was visiting his parents in Canada—because that makes sense, right? He said dinner was done and we had dinner in complete silence.  He made rice which was crunchy because he didn't use a lid to steam it.  I wondered if this was the first time he had actually ever cooked.  After pushing the disgusting half cooked mess of a meal around my plate he picked up our plates and rinsed them off.  I assumed the date was over and started to gather my things, thats when he slammed me against yet another wall and started to assault my mouth again.  I pushed him off me.  He apologized and told me I just looked so beautiful.  I almost gagged.  Finally he coaxed me into having a seat with him on his leather couch (yet again another red flag, dog owners don't have nice couches) where he tried to assault my face once more.  I told Him I should be going and politely tried to leave. He didn't like that idea. He wanted to show me one video really quick from his trip to some dumb place I didn't care about by that point.  I agreed because I cannot be rude to strangers.  While he was looking for his computer charger, I called my dad 15 times and hung up.  I prayed to God for help getting out of there.  

About 5 minutes later and one more failed attempt by Dog Dad to get me to sleep with him, my dad returned my phone calls. I told him I had to answer his call because my dad never calls me and that usually means something is wrong.  I grabbed my purse and went outside to “answer” but instead got into my car and drove away. My dad asked me why I was calling during a date and if I was okay. I said I was fine, I just missed him and that I would be home in a few minutes so we could get dinner together. This was probably the first time I have ever been dying to answer my dad’s phone call— I mean his name is “Answer Do Not” in my phone for pete’s sake.  I hope my father never reads these… thankfully he is illiterate.

[la-tinderella-blog]

1. Human Garbage Dump

I joined Tinder in July of 2016; Immediately I was bombarded with messages and invites to get a drink.  This dating app made me feel wanted and I got such a rush from it.  I am not a small girl.  I have a gigantic butt for a white gal and I have those hips that make you want to procreate.  I have never been skinny but I’m not “fat” either—you just wont break me.  Growing up, however, I was fat. So my self-esteem basically didn't exist until recently.

I matched with “The Lawyer” almost immediately after joining and we seemed to have very few things in common yet he pursued me relentlessly.  He asked me to grab a drink with him after work one day and I accepted.  During the time between me accepting his offer and me getting off work, The Lawyer and I continued to talk.  Finally he asked me a question he had been dying to ask, I swear on my life this is the conversation that followed.

The Lawyer: “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, what are you're dimensions?” Me: “Excuse me?” The Lawyer: “I just want to make sure you aren't a whale. You're pictures only show from your shoulder up.” Me: “Dude, I’m not a fucking couch… You don't need to make sure I’ll fit before you can take me home.” The Lawyer: “That sounds like something a fat chick would say.”

I was livid. I put my phone on the desk and walked away.  At the time, the store I was working at had large windows all around and you could clearly see in from down the block—it was like working in a fishbowl.  I went about my day as if nothing had happened, eventually I made it back to my abandoned cell phone.  The first thing I see is a message from The Lawyer saying he walked by my store to see what I looked like “IRL” and he was still down to get a drink after closing. I had to meet him; I had to see what this gem of a human looked like.

After work, I went to meet him outside his apartment which was only a block from my work.  I did not bother changing or even taking my hair down from its bun.  I reeked like coffee and had old milk covered combat boots on but it didn't matter because this dude had deemed my physical appearance “Do-able.”  

I texted him as I walked up to the front door of his apartment telling him I was there.  He walked down after about 5 minutes in a baggy old sweat shirt and basketball shorts.  He has clearly not showered today and looked as though he was drunk.

Me; “Are you planning on going out in that?” The Lawyer: “No, you idiot, I just didn't think you would get here so fast.” Me: “You literally stalked me at my work today, you knew how close I worked.” The Lawyer: “Yeah, but I assumed you would have put a little effort into your appearance before a date.” Me: *stares at him with a death glare that would turn medusa to stone* The Lawyer: “Fine, just come up and I’ll change.”

We walked upstairs to his apartment and that is when I should have ran but it was like watching a train wreck, I couldn't look away.  I needed to see just how deep this human sinkhole went.  Trying to get into his apartment was like trying to force your way through a jungle filled with booby-traps and mounds of ants or something.  His apartment was a rather small studio which was filled with enough furniture for a 2 bedroom house.  The walls were covered in spray paint, which I can only assume happened during a frat party.  He had obviously not cleaned in months based on the amount of takeout boxes and empty bottles of vodka stacked throughout the space not occupied by furniture.  He cleared a path for us to walk through but the trash and dirty clothes found their way back after we crossed.  I assumed he wasn't the only living creature in that studio apartment.  

After we found our way to safety located near a couch and an old beat up recliner, he told me to have a seat.  I picked the furthest seat away from him, which happened to be on the recliner.  At some point between me turning around to find a seat in this apocalyptic scene and me actually sitting, The Lawyer had taken his shorts off and was putting on a pair of well loved sweat pants.  When I asked him if that was seriously any better than the shorts he answered back by telling me that based on how I looked he assumed I didn't want to go out so he was going to get comfortable.  He came and sat on the arm of the recliner I was currently occupying and leaned in.  I assumed he was trying to kiss me so I pushed him off the arm.  He got back up and grabbed my glasses off my face.  He told me I would be prettier if I didn't wear glasses—they make me look like a nerd.  He then got up, went to the bathroom and started to pee with the door open while talking to me.  He finished his business and pulled up his britches And walked out to the kitchen.  He popped open a fresh bottle of vodka and took a very deep swig.

I was enthralled by this man.  I didn't understand how someone could be such a piece of shit.  Had he lived under a rock for the last 30 years? Had his parents locked him under their stairs? Did he have parents? Are they assholes too? It didn't matter, I no longer felt safe in that space so I got up to leave.  He noticed me kicking the rubble that was scattered across the floor on my way out and hollered after me, “So, we’re not gonna bone?”

I ran as fast as I could to my car and never looked back.  That was my first experience with Tinder and human garbage.  I went home and replayed the whole night over and over again in my mind. I wondered if the world had changed so much since I was locked away in my tower that that is how people act nowadays or maybe I had just encountered the worst person on earth.  They say curiosity killed the cat; guess we’ll find out.

[la-tinderella-blog]

Welcome to My World of Tinder Dating

The world of dating has transformed miraculously, even over the last few years.  I am a 25 year old woman, whom in the last year has gotten divorced, moved back to her hometown, and started using social dating apps (such as tinder, bumble, and j-swipe—we’ll get there eventually). I have spent my entire adult life married to a controlling, self-centered, man-child. My college years were not filled with drunken hookups and a slue of awkward dates.  I really never got the opportunity to date because after a month of knowing my ex-husband, he did like Beyonce said and put a ring on it.  For almost 4 years, I played the part; I was a stay-at-home wife to a United States Marine.  To the outside world, my life was perfect—even my brothers still don't believe all of the atrocities that occurred behind our closed doors.  Finally, after five grouling years of emotional abuse, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, “You’re moving home.” It was the hardest thing I had ever done, until my sister suggested I start dating again.   As I already explained, I don't know how to date.  I knew people used Tinder and other social dating apps but my wildest imagination could not have come up with the ridiculousness I would encounter because of it.  This is a compilation of my Tinder-Nightmares come true.