#EST #LACEUP

Its time to believe in yourself.

[lalalacelarry]

Fear keeps me cold at night

Being forgotten is my biggest fear. True story. I wanted to go to rehab for my addiction long before anyone could even tell I had a problem. I knew that I was fucking up.. I knew that I was losing my ability to control my use long before I tried heroin. I allowed myself to see the twinkle of happy vanish from my eyes. All along knowing I wanted to go to rehab, but that meant I'd have to go away. Every time I thought about going away from the ones that I loved more than life itself, I felt an overwhelming sadness. I would literally have a panic attack. Was convinced that my unforgettables would forget me. This fear literally almost killed me more than once. It took me from myself and my beautiful babies. It's destroyed my relationships with family and friends. It's kept me from getting close to others. From reaching out to reconnect with ones I feel empty without. It's created more fears. Reality check. I am my fear. I allow myself to be scared of something that hasn't necessarily happened, or may never happen. I hurt my babies, my brothers, myself. I nearly killed myself. I became the monster under my bed. My villain defeated my hero. The worst part is, I knew that I am unforgettables. I am unique and demanding of attention. I'm outspoken and surprising. I'm kind and selfless. I have the ability to love blindly and embrace others for their differences. So, why am I so afraid? Still sober and having faced my darkest self, I fear being forgotten.

[lalalacelarry]

What is your definition of happiness? Do you think if reach your full potential of happiness you're done? What happens if you acquire what you thought brought you happiness and you were wrong? How can two individuals promise each other forever knowing their idea of happiness differs? How can you change together while you're being changed by different journeys? How can you make a promise forever without knowing where you're going? How do you decide who compromises their happiness? How could you put yourself or anyone else in that position? Why do we settle for less than our true potential for a love that is based on lies to yourself and another? How did our world become so reckless with others feelings?

[lalalacelarry]

#IBelieveIn #MyGod #Love #Unity #kindess #Loyalty #Trust #Individuality #KnowledIsPower #Me & #You

[lalalacelarry]

A Lil More•Love Ur Human By:£∆®®¥ I've come to accept the fact that I'm human. You might laugh but, being human means flawed. Living an imperfect life with imperfections you can't hide or cover up. Only guarantee are mistakes, embarrassing moments, struggles in life, and your best intentions hurt loved ones. Chances are you're gonna have noticeably different size titts, shoes, eyes and ears.   My harshest critic, I picked my worth into worthlessness. A greater chunk of my life wasted hating myself. Suicide haunted my thoughts which, turned into nightmares. I couldn't bare the thought of hurting my brothers. The first time I tried a drug that silenced all the sadness and hate I was lost. However, it wasn't until I met good ol "H" that I lost my grip on me.   My world fell from beneath me taking my give a fuck alongside. Opiates always knew the way to my heart. When I experienced the rush in my veins infatuation consumed my being.   How did so many negative years lead me here? Positivity absorbed my negativity. I began to exist a lil less with each twinkle of life. I realized imperfect really meant individuality and creativity. Endless knowledge, comrades,  experiences, and memories wait for me. There's nothing left after perfection is reached. What a sad, boring, purposeless, and emptiness existence. I love that I am me and you are you. No one else can be us. Smile, you're beautiful as you are. Imperfect being.   Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear. I know that I need to post more experience blogs.. They're much harder to write than I thought. Besides y'all needed to know you're wonderful for being you. I love y'all. EST4L LaceTheFuckUp   

[lalalacelarry]

#NewTattoo #BodyArtAddiction #EST4L #LACEUP #NorCal #SoberLife

[lalalacelarry]

              Breaking New      P2. Do you love you??    °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  “Don’t ever look down. Be comfortable with who you are. Our flaws are what make us perfect. - Kells (MachineGunKelly) way with words inspired me to be the Larry Me that I was running away from. His idea of EST (EveryoneStandTogether) is something we’ve all seem to forget.    Life is something that most take for granted. So many missed adventures and memories lost forever, due to precious moments completely focused on finding the right person. Love is a comforting thought. I understand why its something we all think about. But, a life focused on finding someone to love you, in stead of figuring out how to love ones self. Mind boggled by these stupid requirement check list some people make!! Here’s a crazy thought!! Say there is a "SoulMate” out there for everyone, right? So being completely honest with yourself, most of us aren’t, are you ready? Say fate decides today you will bump into this “SoulMate”. Do you, as you are right now no alterations at all,  me the same criteria? Ask yourself if you would want to spend the rest of your life being with who you are at this moment? What, aside from materialistic meaningless objects, can you offer this “AmazingPerson” when they randomly come into your life? Scary thought huh?     Being human means that we are imperfect beings. Don’t let your imperfection make you feel like any less love towards yourself. We all need to accept that perfection isn’t gonna happen for us. That doesn’t mean settle for a lesser you. Embrace life for all the endless possibilities that are waiting to go along side you in life. Once you do that you will be improving the already awesome you. My Nana told me “Key to continue loving yourself as a whole starts with who you are as a being. Loving everyone simply because they’re human, be kind, always offer help to those you see need it, smile and wave at everyone and always stand for what you believe is right. Be proud of yourself for doing the right thing, even if you were the only one. When you can feel good about you inside your beauty will outshine a super model. Because your beauty is coming from with in.” Wish I could tell my Nana thank you. She’s amazing. I also wish I understood this before I made my own life hell for myself. Hind sight huh?! Hahaha dam adolescence for tricking me. Thought I knew everything about life!!   I know that we all see things differently. That’s what makes this world so amazing. Wish everyone saw it like that. That’s why I believe so strongly in EST. Listen to Kells as he speaks truth in his lyrics. He’s creating something that, not only saved my life, is helping our youth open their eyes to a vision of a better future. I believe, with every fiber of my being, that if we could all be that better version of ourselves anger and hate would disappear.  There would be no more murder, suicide, depressed lifeless people, and any other heartbreaking crime that anger or hate filled hearts end up doing. Imagine with me, we love everyone for the special beings we all are. Where is room to be filled with hateful anger needed for cruelty?    Gah sorry for my crazy rants!! Just so frustrating knowing life isn’t as complicated as others like to make it. “Is what you’re doing today moving you closer to where you want to be tomorrow?” *Unknown. I used to ask myself shit like that everyday. I fear no progress in my life. Keeping it 💯 with y'all. Used to think bad progress was better than none at all. The crazy part is, if I hadn’t become an addict, I wouldn’t the right me. For the first time in 3years I am proud of who the new me. Gives me a lil bit of comfort in the future Larry to be!!

[lalalacelarry]

#BreakingNews LaceUp and just relax. Need to just not sweat the stupid shit I guess. :) Felt amazing to just get in the car and drive to the sticks. Anyways here’s. The get to know Larry. Sorry for the shortness.. I stressed over this blog until, ATL reminded me that this is supposed to be fun and a release. So a chill kick back it is:) love you all #EST4L STATISTICS  Name? Larissa or Larry Cruz Current Location? NorCal When is your birthday? 12.4.86 Eye Color? Brown Hair Color? Black with bleached bangs Height? 5'7" Piercings or tattoos? Quite a few tatts and only nose ring left Single or taken:? Loving myself Right Handed or Left Handed? Right Any pets? JoJoPotatoTotts teacup york Your greatest strength? Independence Your Weakness? Heroin FAVORITES  Favorite color? Gray Favorite flower? Orchids 5 favorite movies: *Goonies *The Holiday *Buffy *Charlie St Cloud *I Am #4 Favorite holiday? Halloween Favorite physical feature on yourself? My eye Your favorite pizza toppings? Pineapple Favorite guilty pleasure? Wendys Favorite season? Autumn Favorite cartoon character?  Your favorite food? Fried Rice Favorite subject(s) in school? English Favorite candy? Starburst Favorite breakfast cereal? Cookie crisp Favorite person in your life? My minis Favorite book of all time?  Harry Potter Favorite song? Ok I believe you but, my Tommy gun doesn’t Favorite place to be? With the minis Favorite TV show (Still running or ended)? Gossip Girls Your Favorite number? 7 Your favorite letter(s) of the alphabet? A Favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy’s What is your favorite part of your life right now? Getting to know the new me WHICH DO YOU PREFER  Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla Alcoholic or non? Neither  Scary movies or comedies? Scary Short or long hair? Like both on me Croutons or bacon bits? Both Beach or lake? Lake Single or Group Dates? Awkward Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi DO YOU's  Do you smoke? Yes Do you sing? Yes Do you want to get married? No Do you believe in yourself? Everyday #MGK helps me remember Do you drink? Sometimes  Do you like to travel by plane? I would Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday morning? Did with my kids Do you have a teddy bear? no  Do you like thunderstorms? Yes  Do you play an instrument? Not anymore Do you consider yourself a party person or more apt to stay at home? Both pretty much HAVE YOU EVER  Have you ever fired a gun? Ya Have you ever loved someone? Everyday Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to? Lol duh Have you ever cried for no reason? No I may not of understood the reason atm.. But there’s always a reason Have you ever cut your own hair? I do it to it Have you ever skipped school? yup  Have you ever bungee jumped? nope  Have you ever punched someone? yup  SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MATURE  List your top fears: being a worse mom than I already have. What bill do you hate paying the most? All What did you want to be when you were growing up? Free What errand/chore do you despise? Anything that kept me inside A secret that you wouldn’t mind everyone knowing? I am imperfect   What do you get every time you go into a Wal-Mart? Cosmetics What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?  Pat Benettar? What famous person dead or alive would you like to have dinner with? Dr Seuss How do you want to die? You don’t wanna know the answer  What do you want to achieve in life? Be happy with my family and make hearts happy Your most missed memory? sleeping next to my kids What goal would you like to achieve this year? To be far enough in my journey to go home. Who would you like to see right now? My kids and A.B. What books are you reading (if any)? FuzzyRed Slippers or something like that What are your regrets? Only ever wish time wasn’t lost. No regrets I am who I because of my experiences SOME RANDOM QUESTIONS  Do you cheer for the bad guy? I don’t believe in lost causes What do you want when you are sick? Act like a tough guy Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? Random stop while driving  What country would you most like to visit? Russia  How many pillows do you sleep with? Uno

[lalalacelarry]

Stamp of Approval

This is for those who have never known the feeling of addiction or know someone close to you battling it. I know that I have sadly given my dad the stigma of bad parenting or that he himself is an addict. I’m so very sorry daddy. You see my dad is amazing. He raised my brother and I alone after my mom left us with nothing. He worked every day and went to school every night while being the best father I could ever ask for. I know he struggled bad and there were a few times he had to swallow his pride and ask for help.. How many dads do everything in their power to provide for the kids that he fought to keep with him? Or doesn’t seek custody for child support? The judge forced my mom to pay the minimum amount for her wage. I LOL every time I say that my mom paid him 50$ a month for 2 kids until I was 18 years old. One of my favorite memories with my dad and brother is our first Christmas after my mom left. I was just fine with her being gone. She had hurt the two men in my life that mattered most to me. So, I wouldn’t see her tho she didn’t seem to care. Our new BETTER family celebrated Christmas in our little L7 apartment. When it was time to open our presents my dad began to cry a lil. He said “ I’m sorry I couldn’t get more for you guys.” handing me a wrapped cd and my brother a wrapped toy. I told him that being with him was the only present I wanted. My dad worked hard to teach us manners and respect. Not just for our elders and others but, for ourselves. How to love ourselves. I’m sure raising a girl isn’t easy for a single man. He taught me the basic things I needed in life so I never felt like I needed a man to survive. He also made sure that we knew how much he loved us. He loved us enough for 100 sets of parents. You see, my daddy is my hero. But there are things happening in my life he had no idea about. When I was 11 he noticed me acting up and getting into trouble. So he moved us to Gig Harbor, Washington from Tacoma, Washington. 253!! Haha. Guess he figured no “gangs” or hoodlums so no trouble? He was trying to do what he felt was best for us. Even if that meant paying more in bills and gas to keep us away from the drugs and gangs. Heroin doesn’t care who you are or what you’re family is like. Standards aren’t something that heroin cares about. The only thing heroin cares about is taking every bit of happiness from anyone it can.. I want to also make clear that this is not a bash my mom kinda blog. This is just how I feel in my heart my story went. I have no hate in my heart for her. She gave me and my brother life. I am writing to share my story and hopefully help someone in some way. There will be no bash blogs from me. Hate and anger eats away at your soul. I accept the past for what it is. I am bettering myself here in the now. So that my kids and I can look forward to a future filled with lots of love and happiness. #RestInPieceA.B

[lalalacelarry]

#EST

Guess introductions would be proper or something. I’m Larry. Yes I’m a girl. I’m fighting heroin addiction right now. I’ve been clean off heroin for almost 4 months. 4/29/15 I finally walked away from the “game”, “friends”, the “numbness” and the place I, until now, viewed as home. I was in the hospital for the millionth time. This time I went to my aunt.. Guess I was sick of being in the hospital alone.. Or just sick of feeling alone period.. She had this look on her face.. I don’t feel like words could give it justice. Seeing that look on her face crushed me. She has been like a mom to me and I am bringing her worry and sadness.. That night I left the hospital with my aunt. Put a few things together and left without looking back or saying goodbye. So I’m here. 118 days free from heroin and needles. For those of you that have never slammed anything needles become an addiction itself. Truth is, I was probably just as addicted to the process of cooking up a shot to inject into my neck. I literally had daily panic attacks not being able to shoot up. I caught myself thinking about putting anything in my veins. Honestly until about a month and a half ago I really struggled with my sobriety. One day I told myself “ You’re in California!” and forced myself to explore my surroundings. I found a swing set at a lil creek where i sat and thought for a few hours. I realized that, like most who live each day for that next high, I hadn’t done any of the simple things I used to. I was once so positive and a jokester. My family and friends were my world. I had lost Larry.. How did I get so lost? How did I allow myself to become this angry, negative, empty, pessimist? One would think coming to such clarity would bring a lil peace of mind.. No not even close. It in fact made me realize I wasn’t making a positive difference in anyone’s life. In fact I wasn’t making any kinda difference in anyone’s life.. Not even mine. I began to sink into a consuming depression. I no longer felt like I had a purpose. Worse I felt so much hate towards myself for becoming a “JUNKIE”, all I saw when I looked in the mirror. I felt worthless. In the mean time while I was debating my sobriety I began to make a few friends. It helped kinda keep my mind busy. I slowly thought less of heroin and needles. I was fortunate enough to meet a few wonderfully supportive people who didn’t make me feel like a junkie. They made me feel like a person again.. I am so blessed to be alive and to have the ones that helped me get here. Hope is alive in me. I am slowly coming back to life. Larry lives another day. “ But greatness is in the eye of the beholder, so it starts with you. Believe in your own abilities the way you have believed in mine. It’s time, put em up. Let’s toast to those who always raised their glasses. When most never chose to go against the masses. Now I know you ride or die. So let me see them L’s and be proud you are not afraid to be yourself” MGK #EST R.I.P A.B.