[lamalaordina]

don't follow this account first unless you're also a system or you've been given permission. alters use individual tags, but if you know us, you can figure out who's who on your own, and if you don't, you probably don't need to know. byebye.

[lamalaordina]

what is with this fucking loser pretending like you dont think gay men are the most disgusting creatures to ever walk this earth. if you want to be a lezseparatist at least have the stones to fucking be open about it. because literally that is so obviously where you are actually at

[lamalaordina]

my five year plan is i will get hit by another car and harder this time

[lamalaordina]

not related to lasts posts i feel i should sayi am just on emotional hair trigger right now for eome reason

[lamalaordina]

my five year plan is i will get hit by another car and harder this time

[lamalaordina]

i cant tell how much of this is physical sickness and how much of it is psychosomatic bullshit hbecause im very good at making myself expereince both of those things whenever im upset

[lamalaordina]

man i feel so fucking sick and upset and i just. i dont know. it feels inevitable i dont know what else i could have even expected

[lamalaordina]

hiiii

[lamalaordina]

having what could perhaps be described as an introject moment. killing myself.

[lamalaordina]

if crane werent doing this shit 2 me inadvertently rn id think its the funniest thing in the world. im still capable of seeing the humor in it like. it is such a funny dude my Scarecrow from Batman introject who only fronts 2 feel the Effects of when people are either just piss scared or in the throes of a particularly bad psychotic episode and like fuccckiing. revel in it? and will cause those 2 happen so that it can feel it. idt hes even, like, particularly triyng 2 b a persecutor lmfao he just tripped in2 it bc he only likes 2 exist when states of being that any1 else wld think r the worst thing in the world r occurring. insane dude

[lamalaordina]

ive been beset by mals Bugs Crawling On Me Forever Oh Gd hallucinations and shit rn btw. sooo fun

[lamalaordina]

if crane werent doing this shit 2 me inadvertently rn id think its the funniest thing in the world. im still capable of seeing the humor in it like. it is such a funny dude my Scarecrow from Batman introject who only fronts 2 feel the Effects of when people are either just piss scared or in the throes of a particularly bad psychotic episode and like fuccckiing. revel in it? and will cause those 2 happen so that it can feel it. idt hes even, like, particularly triyng 2 b a persecutor lmfao he just tripped in2 it bc he only likes 2 exist when states of being that any1 else wld think r the worst thing in the world r occurring. insane dude

[lamalaordina]

its just all so fucking stupid bc im usually actually p unflappable? but apparently those 2 in specific combination r very capable of getting past that which i had no way of knowing bc i think mal literally hasnt fronted or been aorund @ all since crane split in the 1st place. cool info 2 have now, though, i guess

[lamalaordina]

i heart my alters i love how just batshit psychotic malachi is how he can like stain the rest of the day after hes here and also apparnetly how fuckinggg. susceptible he is 2 my fucking fear toxin psychosis inducing persecutor and how all three of us are in some stupid fucking group of alters that means i have to deal with their bullshit more than anyone outside of the Nadeem Proper group does

[lamalaordina]

hi

[lamalaordina]

also. if i can say something fucking stupid: it is so weird not being a cis guy anymore.

[lamalaordina]

someone did get close enough to me that i was able to hear myself being made fun of earlier for the way i choose to shorten something, too, so i guess that it is becoming more and more likely that i will have the ability to make an escape at some point here. so that's something.

[lamalaordina]

i split. i have not adjusted to being a "fictive" now. i am immediately thrust into the role of both memoryholder and host. i have not been able to leave front since then. i am doing so good.

[lamalaordina]

ahh... i was almost free. susan asked me about going back to college and what i wanted to do with my life, and i felt my mouth start running without my input for almost a fucking hour about anthropology and history and medicine and medical examination as a career. and she talked back, which got me more worked up, and made me feel less there. but. we stopped. and i'm still here. i have been here since i split. i was so close to getting out of that. fuck me.