Love is so universal. We know exactly what it is because we all feel itâs warmth, yet so hard to describe when we really look at it.
Love is so many things and at the same time you can say that is not love.
Love is when someone shares their economic resources with you; and at the same time giving someone material things is a deflective replacement for emotional connection.
Love feels like it should come naturally; innate in all human beings. And then you get into a relationship and discover you or this person never learned to love.
Humans do need to learn how to love. Â
Women socially are taught more often how to do this and what it requires, and men are discouraged from developing those skills and see them as a weakness. And of course there are women who donât learn to love, and there are men who do learn to love, but statistically these genders traits are consistent.
Many of you are asking the questions? Â
Why canât my father, mother, mate love me? Â
What is wrong with me? Â
Why wonât they go to therapy and fix these problems?
All I do know after 30 yrs of therapy is that you need see the ability to love in the same way as learning a new language.
Once men get past the emasculation issues that prevents them from loving, it becomes frustrating for them, just like learning Spanish for the the first time.
They donât want to stay in the awkward learning stages. Stumbling along sentence structure, painfully searching for the right words that barely has any context.
If you learned a new language later in life, you have very familiar with this process. They teach you Aqua = water, Verde = green, and if you want to make a statement a question you have to reverse the noun/verb position.
Because English is your base, you think in English and figure out all your noun/verb conversions, and then apply all your new grammar rules, and try to spit out a perfect Spanish sentence.  Itâs a rote memory exercise of substituting equivalents.
Eventually you get so fast at this thru repetition it becomes conversational and if you continue long term at it, you actually start thinking in Spanish and we call this bi-lingual.Â
LEARNING HOW TO LOVE is exactly like this and very few people will stay in that vulnerable learning space long enough to get to the promise land, to the level that will satisfy your emotional needs. Â
What often happens is that in teaching them,Â
we give them a couple verbs and nouns examples of what love looks like, and they do try to incorporate that, buy you flowers, unload the dishwasher, and you are appreciative of their progress but still feel the emptiness and pain because your wounded and need someone who fully speaks the new language before you will feel the emotional warmth and security that will satisfied your wounded heart.Â
Only a person with a high emotional intelligence has the ability to treat your wounded heart and Iâm sorry there are not that many of them out there. Â
Even being a therapist doesnât translate into emotional intelligence, it only means they successfully completed their academic requirements and is the main reason I never recommend male therapists for you. Women also have the same problem, but you have a greater chance of finding an E.I. woman that started learning this language in childhood and then perfected it in college.Â
Everyday I publish posts that describe what validation, connection should look like and what is not love, but actually putting that knowledge into repeated practice is much harder. Â
I know this isnât an answer to your problems. All I can do is get you closer to the solutions of âŠ..
Why canât my father, mother, mate love me? Â
Why wonât they go to therapy and fix these problems?