Love Yourself

Recovery. Stay strong and be brave

[learningtolovemyself2]

I wish this still felt the same. Nowhere really feels totally safe or okay to share anymore. Like it doesn’t matter anyways and even if it did I’m just tired of trying only to end up failing.

[learningtolovemyself2]

Holy crap. Anyone else get really anxious/panic when there’s lots of people around and nobody is wearing masks/distanced? I always get anxious in crowded and loud places anyways but it’s worse with COVID stuff and I’m noticing it more as things reopen and people are out and about more. I just went for a walk and went by a busier part of the city with restaurant patios and music and lots of people walking past me in the opposite direction and I panicked and felt so uncomfortable and unsafe and it was awful so I went out of my way to come back home a less busy way and now I’m sitting here crying and with strong urges. I feel so silly and stupid and weak and pathetic. I’m so scared I might have been exposed even though I was outside. I was just trying to get myself out of the house and not spend all day in bed and it backfired. Will I ever be able to do things that other people seem to do without even thinking about them without freaking out or panicking or acting on urges or crying or so many other possible outcomes? It makes me so frustrated to feel like I have to put in so much extra work and effort just to survive and that things that should be easy are far from it. And that all makes me feel really hopeless and like I just want out/don’t want to deal with any of it anymore/wish I didn’t exist. Idk.

[learningtolovemyself2]

My parents sent me flowers last week as a congrats for finishing my undergrad ❤️ Trying to get into the celebratory mood instead of just being sad and terrified - I think other people are more excited for me than I am for myself. There is an element of pride but most of it is just feeling anxious and sad and unsure about what comes next. And trying to tell myself that’s ok. Small steps. I also hate that a 4 year degree took me 7 years and I feel so old and “behind” everyone else. But I have to remind myself that I took whole years and semesters off for intensive treatment, and that there were lots of semesters where I was just part time or I ended up dropping classes or ended up in the hospital. And thinking about graduating makes me spiral and think about all these other things like how I don’t have a partner or kids and nobody would want to be with me and I never pictured being alive for a future so that’s hard and scary to imagine and to try and move towards etc. Anyways. Bottom line, change and uncertainty and life transitions are scary and hard and sad and I don’t know what comes next and trying to remind myself that’s ok.

[learningtolovemyself2]

Friends on my walk today ❤️🐴 I miss riding so much. I wish it felt like there was a feasible way to do it again.

[learningtolovemyself2]

Do you follow thinspo blogs?

No. 10000000% no. Did something make you think I did?

[learningtolovemyself2]

Fed some cute chickadees a couple weeks ago. We also saw an owl (last photo which is very grainy bad quality bc mister owl was so far up in the tree).

[learningtolovemyself2]

More of the sweetest boy of all. Hoping I get to see him again in the summer but at least I got this Christmas visit with him. ❤️

[learningtolovemyself2]

Walked this beauty last week

[learningtolovemyself2]

Caught a pretty sunset on a walk the other day

[learningtolovemyself2]

Cat appreciation post. I missed this perfect boy so much. He’s so handsome and beautiful and stunning and sweet and smart and has SO much personality and I love him. He’s 15 now and I cherish every time I get to see him (about twice a year). These are only some of the photos I’ve taken on this visit 😂

[learningtolovemyself2]

Went walking around downtown to see some lights yesterday ❄️🎄✨ The last few days have felt difficult and this was some much needed beauty and light

[joey-studies-deactivated2020123]

Keep going, because you did not come this far just to come this far

[learningtolovemyself2]

One of my housemates got flowers and put them out here on the table and they’re so pretty

[learningtolovemyself2]

A little fuzzy bean snoozlin’ on a chair this morning

[learningtolovemyself2]

A sleepy visitor.

[learningtolovemyself2]

I feel like I’m suffocating and can’t breathe under the weight of all the anxiety and stress and decisions and uncertainty and fear and loneliness and just everything in the world and in my life. Just sitting here crying.

[learningtolovemyself2]

Do you have insta?

Yup it’s nicole.elizabeth3541

I only really post photos there with captions that just quickly explain the photo - not the recovery type posts I do here. That’s because I have people following my insta that I don’t really want to know about mental health stuff and yeah. So if you want to see the recovery/text posts/more honest versions of things this is a better place for that.

Anxious about sharing insta here but I know some people use Instagram more and prefer to follow people there and stuff so I’ll share for now and try to ride out the anxiety