The dom is in control.
And yet – doms are just humans too. Having bad days, and needs, and problems.
And sometimes this gets lost in the “role” / stereotype of the dominant. In the idea that doms always have to be strong and always in control. And absolutely no one can do that.
So here are a few reminders that doms have rights too:
Doms have the right to have limits
Of course. We are all individuals. Just like every sub has a different set of kinks, so does every dom. And you’re not less of a dom because you’re not doing kink x or kink y.
I recently witnessed pickup play negotiation that ended with the sub loudly declaring to the room that “they’re not a real dom, every real dom does (kink in question)”. It’s just as abusive as the “you’re not a real sub, a real sub does…” pattern. And yet the shocking thing was that while the “not a real sub” pattern would have raised red flags with everyone, the reverse thing didn’t. And it should. This even also inspired me to write this.
Doms have the right to feel “not up for it today”
Everyone accepts that subs can have days where they’re not up to play. And so do doms. For intense play I need to achieve a zen state, where I leave the rest of the world behind, because I don’t want to bring the anger over the latest news into the play. And there are a million other reasons why you might not be up to play, be it physically, mentally, or emotionally. Or why you’re not up for certain kinds of play. And that’s okay.
Yes, you want to play. You know your sub wants to play and was most likely looking forward to it. And yet, if you don’t feel up for it, listen to it. It’s absolutely okay. Keep yourself and your sub safe and play another time.
And for the subs – give your doms the space. Don’t beg or annoy them. And don’t guilt trip them if they don’t feel up to play with you. No matter how much you were looking forward to it.
Doms have the right to use safewords
Yes, of course.
So you are playing and you realize that for whatever reason you don’t feel up to be in control. It’s okay to safeword and end the session. And it’s absolutely okay to get aftercare from your sub afterward. You are a human being, not a kink dispenser that just has to function.
Doms have the right to negotiate first
Just like subs. Just because someone is a dom, doesn’t make them your dom.
This starts with small things. Maybe just using honorifics. Or invading playful situations.
The big no is of course forcing the dom into a position where they have to take responsibility over someone without negotiation. An example is just joining a trance without asking. I once gave someone an intense trigger on a hypno munch, when I noticed that someone else was (hiding) behind the armchair I was sitting in and trancing along. So I had to tell my hypnotee to stand by for a moment so I could modify the trigger for the other person and make it usable by their dom. And I didn’t want to leave that particular hypnotee alone and it made me feel like I failed them. Alternatively I would have left an unsafe (for them) trigger in the other person. A lose-lose situation for me.
This is extremely insidious, because it plays on the instinct of good doms to keep subs safe. The sub brings themselves in a vulnerable position, forcing the dom to either take the responsibility and do something with them, or feel like a completely irresponsible asshole. This is really bad emotional blackmail.
Doms have the right to feedback
And that includes negative feedback too. Kink is always communication and interaction, and that never works out absolutely perfectly. And honest and open feedback is what keeps those little things from growing and at some point becoming big things. And yes, it’s not easy for a sub to criticize their dom. But withholding that information from them is really unfair.
Of course good feedback – including the good and the bad – also helps the dom to become better in controlling that particular sub.
Doms have the right to emotional support
This is another case where the stereotypes / roles collide with reality. Everyone accepts that subs have bad days, and that it’s natural for the dom to take care of them and fuss over them and make them feel better. Guess what – doms are human and have those kind of days too. And being the one who needs the care sometimes doesn’t make you one bit less dom, forget those stupid stereotypes. Being able to recognize your needs and being able to communicate it and let your sub take care of you is clearly a strength.
Doms have the right for aftercare
The scene is intense on both sides, so why wouldn’t doms have the same right to aftercare? In most cases the aftercare for the dom is giving aftercare to the sub. It’s a reconfirmation that it’s symbiotic, and that you’re doing it for the sub. So if your dom wants to give you aftercare – let them. And if they need a hug or cuddles or whatever – give it to them.
And of course never forget:
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