A Leo’s Post Dump @leavemeinyourpast - Tumblr Blog

Goose: I has a concern. Don't worry, London-dog. I will protect you.

London: But what about Mom?

Goose: She's on her own...

Pray for my soul, folks. I'm going to need it.

Obligatory Copyright Disclaimer (because...*waves hands at Lindsay Ellis's videos* yeah)

Under Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational, or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.

Just so we're all clear I'm going to be doing this for criticism, commentary, and teaching. because you better bet your booty that I'm going to be doing some teaching here.

christinaroseandrews

Let’s begin at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

Or so I hear.

Also I’m doing this talk to text to save my hands (yay arthritis, tendinitis, and a whole slew of joint disorders) so if there’s any weirdness blame that.

— The cover isn’t bad. I would’ve put the series title underneath the “BOUND” so it doesn’t read like “Born to Be Alpha’s Claim Series Bound”. But that’s just me. It also would give more room for potentially longer titles on top. Pro tip folks .. When designing your cover or working with a cover designer make sure that you have the ability to add or subtract things without losing readability when the image small. This is particularly true when doing series which should have cover cohesion throughout. But overall the cover isn’t bad. It may be the best thing about this book

— Welp, her Copyright page tells me that she doesn’t understand how copyright works Raise your hand if you’re surprised... *sees no hands*. So her copyright page doesn’t actually have the standard copyright verbiage that is found in most books it’s got part of it but not what most publishing houses use. Some publishing houses do use this verbiage but most put in something that acknowledges that small portions can be used for reviews.

— I’ve put it off long enough time to actually start reading this book

— Can I just state for the record as somebody who’s got a visual impairment that I freaking hate the Vellum formatting where there is the super huge starting letter that takes up three lines, And if the words are spaced out correctly enough could feasibly have three different words. It’s actually ableist.

— Also for some reason I’m reading this whole thing in the Lindsay Ellis’s Addison Cain voice actor’s voice. Yeah. So that’s a thing.

— I see that Addison Cain has not met a run on sentence that she did not love. I've only read two pages so far and already I’ve had to re-read a few sentences because they get lost on their way to who knows where. I certainly don’t.

— We also have heat suppressants which haven’t been named as heat suppressants yet but that’s what they are they are heat suppressants. It’s playing coy with the reader when the character who was POV were in should know exactly what it is; it’s annoying and it’s lazy writing.

— I should state that I’m really familiar with ABO in fandom; it’s one of my go to tags on Ao3, and I’ve been into that kind of thing since pretty much I joined fandom. So I actually like alpha beta omega tropes.I am really not liking this gritty dystopia BS though. Or this over the top dramatic writing. But I do know the tropes.

— I’m getting some serious Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome meets Sting in a speedo vibes.

— make me turn off my editor’s brain. I keep finding errors and wanting to fix them. At the same time I applaud her copy editor’s attempts to do grammar. The sentences are so convoluted that even the best copy editor is going to get confused as to what to do. Not to mention that the author is inconsistent as to what should be capitalized and what should not in her world building vernacular. This kiddos is why you need a style guide. And it’s also why run on sentences are a bad thing.

—how long is this chapter? *checks* *cries* I’m not going to make it.

— Can the main character please not be TSTL? Is that really too much to ask? (Spoiler alert: yes)

— There is detailed description of taking a pill. Like the kind of description that you reserved for a kiss or a caress. I am disturbed.

— “but then everything went wrong.” Yes. Yes, it did.

— every paragraph is like this: “The very air altered and a shot of instinctual fear was the precursor of her greatest nightmare. It was Shepherd, suddenly unnaturally still. She could hear the bones crack in his neck as he turned his skull a few more degrees in her direction.” Except for this is actually one of her least convoluted paragraphs. This is the simple paragraph. *cries*

— “Hard, unforgiving mercury seemed to see right through her...” NO! Bad author. No biscuit. That is not how mercury works. Bad analogy. Bad! Mercury is a liquid. Liquid!!!!!!! By its very definition liquids can not be hard Or unforgiving but you know. How purple is this prose? The answer is very.

— And of course the pills don’t work

— And of course she’s going into heat.

— Oh goody more fluid dynamics

— And of course there’s a fight over her.

— And of course the big bad Alpha With the innocuous name of Shepard wins fair Claire the pitiful Omega.

And I’m going to stop here. I’ve read 10 pages of this 234 page book.

I’ll pick this up when I’ve had more sleep. And more alcohol.

christinaroseandrews

So... that’s been a day.

It’s the kind of day that makes reading this book look appealing. So let’s dive in. So when we left off we’re still in chapter 1 *cries* And Claire had suddenly gone into heat in front of the Uber super powerful alpha Shepard. I foresee really non-con sex ahead.

Also as before this is all done pretty much talk to text with minimal editing so any mistakes are due to that.

— Can we please pick up POV and stick with it? This thing goes back-and-forth between shepherds POV and Claire’s POV midsentence. Look there’s a way to do omniscient third person POV this ain’t it. Head hopping is bad, y’all.

— “Her blown pupils looked up at the intimidating male and pleaded for him to understand.” Just the pupils looked at him. Not the jade green irises. Or the effulgent whites of her eyes. Or even the rainbow of her sclera. Nope the rest of her is decided that they weren’t going to look at this alpha but the pupils they were all about him. Her rods and cones couldn’t get enough of that manly man meat.

— I’m gonna try real real hard not to make fun of the over the top descriptions but it’s going to be really really difficult. And I’m in a bit of a weird place right now and no lie humor is one of my defense mechanisms and I could be a bit inappropriate and risqué at times my apologies to you now.

— If I didn’t know for certain that Addison Cain was a woman I would be doubting it because she uses the words “the female” way too often.

— “His second, louder grumbled noise sang inside her, and a wave of warm slick drenched the floor below her swollen sex, saturating the air to entice him.” There’s a lot wrong with this. So it’s missing a comma after “louder” that’s an easy fix and I’m not gonna ding the editor too much for it. I am more concerned with the fact that we’re getting a little description for a very generic word of “noise” it’s like could authoy maybe find a stronger noun? I know people talk a lot about trying to find strong verbs but the same holds true for finding the right noun. I mean, Mark Twain supposedly said “the difference between the right word and the almost right word is a difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” And the word noise with all of that description just screams of the author couldn’t figure out what the right word was so went over and above trying to describe what they meant. There’s also a misplaced modifying phrase. Technically the slick is what is saturating the air to entice him. So that phrase should follow “slick.” If I were her editor this is probably how I would fix this sentence: “His second possessive rumble sang inside her. Saturating the air with its scent, her warm slick drenched the floor beneath her.” Of course if I were her editor I would have drunk myself into insensibility by now so I am supremely grateful I am not.

— Oh goody we’ve got virgin shaming.

— Also asexual erasure but that’s always a thing in Most ABO dynamics. I have read a few fics with ace betas but it’s a rare thing.

— OK pro tip: if you’re writing an ABO novel that features a heat learn the difference between estrus and an estrous cycle. The first is the heat itself the second is the whole cycle. And yes, they do have different spellings. And no, they are not interchangeable.

— Can we stop with the hyperbole for like five seconds. Your insides do not break apart from the sound of someone’s voice if they did there’s several things wrong.

— And now we have a “lyrical rasp”

— I’m fairly certain that two words does not equal a long drawn out jumbled rant. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which two words those were, but rant it was not.

— “...his beautiful engorged dick was challenging the zipper of his trousers...” LMAO And all I can visualize is Gomez Addams screaming, “engarde.”

— Just stop with the fluid dynamics already I don’t need any more slick gushing and drenching and sopping.

— So minor rant time, And an actual rant mind you, So those cats who can purr, you know cheetahs and house cats, do not have the ability to roar. And those cats who have the ability to roar do not have the ability to purr. So these big bad alphas with their deep rumbles and roars should not, by all rights, be able to purr. I know I’m trying to make sense out of a pseudoscientific supernatural designation that’s only exists so people could fuck and explore the animalistic nature of bestiality without actually you know going to bestiality. But this is something that has annoyed me since I first ran into ABO.

— All this to say that of course Shepherd starts purring.

— Apparently our heroine has beautiful pheromones. I want to know what makes a beautiful pheromone? and like how would you tell a beautiful one from an ugly one? these are things that I want to know.

— And of course he goes into rut.

— So like so far we have a very generic ABO PWP Story. Like so generic that I could point to probably 100 such fics in the Marvel cinematic universe fandom alone. There really is nothing special about this other than the incredibly purple hyperbolic writing. I mean it’s bad, do not get me wrong, but the actual plot and story line itself so far is mediocre.

— Also we have more head hopping but at this point that’s just par for the course.

— Apparently our heroine’s heat is so special that it brings even the betas into full erection.

— And yep this is fully non con. Our hero tells the heroine that either she will have sex with him or he will throw her out to all of the other alphas who will gang rape her and probably kill her. Just as a note here... This is rape.. Period. Straight up “either you have sex with me or get gang raped and killed” is rape. It’s not dubious concerned it’s no consent you don’t have to hold a knife to someone’s throat to rape them. And I knew going in that this was going to have dubious consent and non-consent. But this isn’t the 1980s the hero doesn’t have to rape the heroine to appease some asshole male editor. This isn’t the 1980s where women weren’t allowed to be sexual beings without being called whores. they had to be resistant to the pleasure because if they had sex without being married and enjoyed it they would be branded as whores and sluts. so you had the heroine rapes the hero scene to show that she was a pure good girl. This shit went out in the 1990s; we don’t need it back.

— There is a tiny lampshade that has been hung on the scene that basically the main character knows that she doesn’t have a choice it doesn’t make it any less problematic.

— “A rending of fabric preceded cool air over fevered skin.” I think she’s trying to be literary here and all she is being is confusing.

— Oh and her body is completely hairless except for the hair on her head. Because apparently the hair on her head doesn’t hold scent like the body hair on her body. Or some such reason.

— Seriously I really need to introduce Addison Cain to Ana Vela. I swear they would gash over fluid dynamics all day long they can discuss the merits of slick. But I’ve already decided that I’m going to take a drink every time I read the word slick while writing one of these I have already taken five.

— I’m going to finish this chapter tonight. Come hell or Highwater I will fucking finish this chapter.

— Pray for me.

— There are eight slicks in this chapter. 21 in the book. And eight of them are in chapter 1.

— “Little pink lips were spread, the swollen glans of his cock lined up where she seemed far too small to accept an organ so large.” And in case you’re wondering those pink lips are her labia. And when I shared this line with my co-author, She said that now the only thing that she could visualize was him trying to insert a pipe organ, like the musical instrument, into her. And well... Unfortunately that’s the only thing I can now see. So I’m sharing it with you so you can share my pain. And it may have forever ruined me for ever seeing the word “Organ” used again in sex scenes. And I edit romance for a living so thanks, I guess.

— “With one hand on her chest, petting the twisting thing, Shepherd pressed forward, breaching her slippery womb, and gave a full body shudder at the sound of her desperate cry.” Oh gods. OK if you never ever ever ever ever ever learn anything else from me, Then please please please learn this. The penis cannot and should not be able to penetrate a woman’s womb. That’s the uterus. There is a barrier in the way in the form of the cervix. No people with penises or dildoes, you can’t bash your way in. If you can penetrate the cervix with a penis or a dildo that is a medical emergency. Please seek medical help immediately.

— Oh gods is this sex scene really uncomfortable to read.

— For the love of little green apples, find a freaking head and stay in it. Stop popping from one POV to the next within the same sentence. This is bad writing. And she should feel bad. It’s really really bad and lazy writing. And I am ashamed at which ever editor didn’t make her fix this. I promise this will be the last time I rant about the POV and the head hopping i bloody well hope.

— So I think that the author is trying to write elevated literary porn. And it’s not working. But I think that’s what she’s trying to do.

— There’s also knotting. Which a lot of distributors do not like because it is too close to bestiality.

— This woman does not know how to foreshadow to save her fucking life. She just smacks it down right in front of you and slaps you in the face and says “Shit’s about to go down!”

— and we have forced mating bite. This isn’t even new. I read about bite like this in a dragon ball Z fanfic. I want to say by Lisalu or Nora K. Jemisin (now N.K. Jemisin, yes that one) back in 1999 or 2000.

— And just in case you were hoping to romanticize this shepherd is not a good guy he is absolutely not a good guy he’s not an anti-hero. Not at all. He’s a full on asshole.

— Oh hey we have silver eyes to go with mercury ones.

— “he covetously grabbed what was his and roared.” Remember my purring rant from before this is why.

— But just in case you were wondering The mercury eyes from earlier have not gone away. “Mercurial eyes diminished between narrowed lids.”

— I think the thing that really bugs me about this Is that the entire premise is predicated on the heroine being a complete nincompoop. She goes to Shepard two beg for food because she and this whole huge group of other Omega’s is starving. When the Omega’s are a precious commodity that or have not been seen in a while because they were all destroyed in this giant war. So she goes to the Alpha to beg for food and just expects him to give it to her and not have the Omega’s be taken and cleaned by other Alphas. This is the same Alpha and his group who slaughtered the town that she’s living in. Did she just expect him to suddenly go from being heartless and merciless warlord to fuzzy puppy Because she asked him to? And this was her plan before she even went into heat and he fucked her Into the mattress. I mean this plot this whole premise relies on the heroine holding the “idiot ball” to use the Trope. It’s lazy as fuck storytelling. And this is the shit that she is taking people to court over.

— So when Claire refuses to do something Shepard wants, he rapes her. And that’s what it is it’s out and out fucking rape. This is not and should not be anywhere near romance. But I’m sure that it’s been placed in the romance category. I could live with it if its flag is dark romance but y’all need to be aware that there is rape in the very first chapter both sexy rape and not sexy rape. As well as Stated sexual assault of minors.

— And after that fairly graphic rape the chapter thankfully mercifully ends.

And so ends this post. I’ll start a new post with the new chapter since I’m obviously talking way too much.

So what have I learned so far from the first chapter? That the entire premise of the story is predicated on the characters being completely naïve. And considering that This character has been surviving on the streets for a while the naïveté is out of character. I’ve learned that the entire storyline so far is mediocre there’s 1000 fics like this on archive of our own and probably a solid 70% of them are better written. I’ve learned that the author has not met a run on sentence that she doesn’t love. I’ve also learned that there is no prose to purple that the author won’t utilize it.

I wonder what I’ll learn in the second chapter. Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t wonder a damn thing. I dread. But that is for another time.

I hope you all are enjoying my ranty read through. If you feel inclined, please consider getting me a kofi. Until next time!

thebibliosphere

@christinaroseandrews I can’t believe this is all just the first chapter 😭

leavemeinyourpast

Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t edit anymore... I only skimmed this so far but apparently all of this shit was ONE CHAPTER...?!?

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