going on lunch at my work, taking a tupperware & a can out of the work fridge, microwaving the contents of the tupperware (separately from the tupperware itself because even if it says it’s “microwave safe” on the bottom, i don’t trust it), & cracking open the can as I wait, only to find out I accidentally brought the Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers again instead of the can of Liquid Death I’ve been trying to bring to work for the past week. Have I been cursed? Is this normal? I got what I thought was Liquid Death out of my home fridge this morning… but if I’m holding the Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers right now… does that mean I’ve just been storing these boxers in my fridge somehow? Either way, i just knew that I wasn’t going to let these boxers go to waste. Keep in mind, dear reader, I have been opening these cans of Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers in this office break room every day this week, in an attempt to see if the ONE can of liquid death that I bought for the first time (that I assume is still in my home fridge) is worth the hype. I mean, it can’t be worth the hype, right? It’s canned water. It must taste a little aluminum-y. & clearly some outward force is trying to keep me from drinking Liquid Death. Perhaps as a precautionary measure, so I don’t have to drink a whole cans worth of gross water? Because this is like, the third time this week I’ve accidentally opened a can of Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers. Something’s up.
I know I must investigate, but I don’t want to just waste my Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers. They just got out of the work fridge, so they’re ice cold, which admittedly feels nice on my genitals. Not in a way that’s like, sexual, I just think a little pube coolin’ is good for a bitch. I threw them away the first day it happened. But yesterday, I tried them on (under my work clothes, of course), & it felt… peaceful. Dear reader, It’s been a rather dark year for me, & so I take the little comforts when I can. Yesterdays little comfort was those ice cold Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers. Eventually, I put on my ice cold Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers, & while it doesn’t feel as nice as I remember, I leave work (without telling anyone) & walk 18 miles home. I normally take the bus, but today, I was mad enough (& my genitals were cold enough) to energize me to walk every mile back. I walk in the door, walk past the living room, & head straight to my home refrigerator. I open it; there it is! Right next to 19 individual cans of Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers is my liquid death. “Alright, you devilish can,” I said. “It’s time I drink you up!” I open the can of Liquid Death. I slurp a lil bit of it. I lick my lips. Yuck! Just as I expected; it’s a little aluminum-y. Like, why wouldn’t you just put the water in a tetrapack or something? I start thinking further… why have I been bringing Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers to work every day instead? I close the fridge (because my genitals are cold enough) & I frantically search the house.
I open the door that leads from the kitchen to the garage, & I see a car, still running, with no one in it, spewing exhaust throughout the room. Which makes sense now that I think about it, I was wondering why I would see smoke coming out from under that door every time I was in the kitchen. I just never checked cuz I figured it was none of my business. Regardless, I now remember that I rented a car about 4 days ago because I wanted to see if I could get one with a fake ID. I brought it home & parked it & got so scared of driving it anywhere else, I jolted out of the car, neglecting to turn it off. The experience was so traumatic, I blocked it out of my memory… i guess it was giving me carbon monoxide poisoning too. I guess it’s true what they say. You can lead a car to your garage, but you can’t leave it in there running because you’ll get carbon monoxide poisoning & you’ll buy 22 individual cans of Swag brand Pickle Rick Pickle Juice canned boxers. #wednesdaywisdom