Twenty
I am twenty years old today.
I smoked at two a.m. today.
I threw up at three a.m. today.
I woke up smelling like an ash tray today.
I am so sad today.
I am twenty years old today.
KIROKAZE
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@leftoverlasagna3
Twenty
I am twenty years old today.
I smoked at two a.m. today.
I threw up at three a.m. today.
I woke up smelling like an ash tray today.
I am so sad today.
I am twenty years old today.
Womenswear by Kate Donald and Rosemary Lambert, Textiles by Kate Cheung Wing Ki, Contour by Sian OāNeill, Jewellery by Tanaporn Wongsa backstage at LCF BA graduate fashion 2015 (Ph: Daisy Walker)
Womenswear by Kate Donald and Rosemary Lambert, Textiles by Kate Cheung Wing Ki, Contour by Sian OāNeill, Jewellery by Tanaporn Wongsa backstage at LCF BA graduate fashion 2015 (Ph: Daisy Walker)
requested by taxonomy-is-racism
im not a people pleaser anymore im a huge cunt now
beautifulĀ
Last night it really hit me.
I am not beautiful.
I am not beautiful and I am learning to be okay with that. But it is so so hard. It is so hard to know there is nothing I can do that will change my actual appearance.
I can work out, which I am trying to start. I can eat cleaner, which I am trying to start. I can do a lot of things. But it will not change the fact that I am not beautiful.
I want to be more. I want to not care. I want to know that I am not beautiful and accept that. I want to love myself for every flaw that I see. Every mark and sag. Every misplaced hair and crooked tooth.
But right now I canāt.
I keep watching Saoirse Ronan in Little Women delivering her āIām so sick of itā monologue. Every word she says reminds me of myself. But in different ways. In that, at this point in my life, Iām one of those people that believes all a woman, me, is fit for is love and beauty. I donāt want to believe that. I want to be more than that.
I know that I want to be more than that.
āBut Iām so lonely.ā
Thatās the scary part.
Because even if I could get over the āIām not beautifulā thing. Iād still end up lonely.
And the thing is. People will say, āLooks arenāt everything.ā
They definitely arenāt. But they are something.
Itās how it all starts.
And I want to be content with being alone. Iām not even twenty years old yet. I have a whole life to live but I truly, truly cannot see how someone could love me.
And maybe thatās what it all comes down to. I have nothing to offer. And I want to believe that I am more than just a manās next meal waiting to be devoured but oh my God, I canāt. Because that is what Iāve been taught for the last twenty years and I canāt unlearn it. Or at least, I havenāt yet. And it hurts.
I am not beautiful.
I donāt know what to do about it. Because beauty is how you become something. Anything.
I am not beautiful: physically, mentally, vocally.
Nothing I do, nothing that I am is beautiful.
My face, my body.
The way I think.
What I say, how I speak.
Fuck. I am not beautiful.
The best thing about me is that I am submissive. That I am shy and timid.
But I donāt want to be.
I want to be loud and confident and not care about what others have to say about me. But I will never be that girl.
I will never be the first girl in the room. I will always be an after thought.
Something you wouldnāt even notice if it wasnāt there.
I want to be more than what I look like.
But at the rate Iām going. I donāt think I will. And that kills me.
I want to have ambition and hopes and dreams and hobbies.
I want to read because I want to. I want to paint for myself. I want to watch movies. I want to eat good food. I want to love my life and who I am.
And that is all so good.
But people always want what they canāt have. And I could have all of those things if I let myself.
But what I cannot have is love. Someone that loves me for me. Who looks at me and thinks Iām beautiful. And thinks that everything I do is magic. Who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I want that.
But I donāt think Iāll ever get it.
People want what they cannot have.
I am not beautiful.
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Iām not afraid of dying. Pieces of me die all the time.
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i have to tell you something that will lower your entire opinion of me
Love you
āYouāre literally still half naked from fucking another girl. You love me? Wow, I canāt believe it. You want me to say it back? You want me to forgive you? How about I tell you how I love you back and that itās all in the past. Iāll even suck your dick. Iāll do it, right now. Iāll suck your semi hard dick, thatās literally still wet from fucking another girlās cunt. Iāll get on my knees and suck you while looking at the girl you were cheating on me with because she is still here, standing right behind you. Donāt say you love me. Because you donāt.āĀ - leftoverlasagna3