The first time I broke down
November 6, 2024
As far as I can remember, this is the first time I broke down in tears because of overwhelming pressure that comes with adulthood. I'm already 25 years old. Never have I had before broken down due to hardships in academics throughout my years in university. I cried a lot when my mom died, but that was a given.
I guess I've just always been strong. Though I don't mean to say that crying is only for the weak. But I've managed to just go through everything perhaps without taking things too seriously because it didn't felt like it needed so. Now, it seems as if there's a whiplash of adulthood that has struck me and unlike before, I need to really take this seriously because it's a matter of life and life. Myself and my future.
What triggered this whole thing was when I found out last night that I will be on duty on Christmas Day. I got immensely annoyed when I saw the schedule, and suddenly all the resentment that I have been lowkey feeling towards my job have resurfaced and intensified tenfold.
It was not surprising to be asked to work during holidays. It's part of our job. It's call of duty. Basically, holidays don't apply to us. But honestly, working on Christmas felt like a low blow. It felt like a hit below the belt. Even if I come from a family that doesn't really go all out during this holiday, Christmas is Christmas and it holds a sentimental value for me. I like Christmas even though I get sad during this day. Yet I still love it. And now, learning that I will be dedicating this day for work that I don't even like felt so sad, hurtful at best.
I want to leave my job. I've been contemplating on it for quite some time, and now I'd like to believe I'm more resolute on my decision to push through this plan. This overwhelming plan of leaving a job because it doesn't make sense anymore. The pay is not great, and it's not as if other aspects of it make up for its unappetizing financial aspect. Weighing its pros and cons, I don't think I would have something to write on the pros aside from the fact that it is a reputable news media company, which at the end of the day won't even pay enough bills and sustain the lifestyle I have and aspire to have. It kills my inspiration, too. It has become a job where I don't feel like doing my best anymore because it won't make a difference either way. I used to go big on things, to go beyond what is expected of me in my outputs but now I'm just delivering mediocre work. It kills my creativity, and I'm afraid that if this goes on for longer, I would lose myself entirely and that scares me. I don't want to lose myself in a job that doesn't deserve it. I believe in my skills and my potential to do much greater things, and I don't want to waste any of it in this dead-end job that doesn't care for its employees.
I've already spent two years in this company on Mother Ignacia Ave., and I think it's time to move forward. I'm still young, I know, and opportunities outside my small cubicle will surely offer more abundance and growth so I better chase them. I could always go back to this place that has become my first home after I graduated, but it's high time for me to go outside and allow myself to get lost for some time, find my footing, and find a career that I will love and love me back.