Lei Natch

a bucket of emotion

[leinatch]

twitter

twitter dengan ragam cuitannya. gw merasa kehidupan bermedia sosial gw hanya indah sejauh lima tahun. sebuah asumsi yang gw buat sendiri. kadang, gw berimajinasi, 

“mungkin ga ya kehidupan bersosial media gw seindah, seasik tahun-tahun itu kalo gw a-b-c-d?”

gw paham benar permainan what-if melegakan sesaat, seringnya... kagak buat jangka panjang. HAHAHA.. sejenis, yodah biar lu hepi aja lima menit. setelahnya, diterjang kenyataan :)

namun, iya, gw (cih) mengakui :)) sedang butuh koneksi minimal beberapa orang biar hidup berjalan.

[leinatch]

Me: i should distance myself in order to manage the expectation that might hurt me if i get too attached

Also me, whenever someone i care too much came for help

*help, help and forgot about my own ability to recover*

Me

"you really don't learn that much, aren't you?"

[leinatch]

Sejak kemarin tiba-tiba diri ini mulai balik susah tidur. Tidur adalah hal esensial bagi manusia. Semakin bertambah umur, otomatis kinerja dan performa fisik menurun. Bener, ada banyak jalan untuk mencegah. Namun, menurut pandangan gw, percuma jaga makan kalo jam tidur aur-auran. Olahraga jadi berbahaya saat jam tidur ngga cukup dan, desperate gw tuh jaga jam tidur. What should i do more to be able get quality of sleep every single night?

I miss my day back then. I really do. Maintain sleep cycle is one of them.

[leinatch]

July 2019

Life gives people to do thing that not really they like, to impress people they hate or compete with. And, here i am, too comfort on my current zone. It is hell of comfy zone i ever land.

By the way, somehow.. I have no idea. Just, somehow, i felt the way i response over something this past 2 years seems to roll like a snowball. Turns out, i don't like the outcome and still am could not take control over it. Not meant to put me on, well, good or influence or anything. I write based on the phenomenon i see and interpret the moment (insert assumption here). I felt, it is harshly, cold and seems horrible. And, since i miss the moment soo.. I'm wondering will i have that kind of moment again? Or, maybe... It is really the end of, i dunno, what chapter am i in currently. Hahaha..

Oh, of course. I do miss to write some cheesy and illusion kind of relationship. A relationship that... More likely seen over the media, social media, movie, and well.. I don't know yet.. Is it genuinely or.. Is it a fake one.

Oh, geez. I sound like desperate and hurt badly instead of to be seen realistic 😂😂

Well, glad to be back by the way.. Gonna write again maybe? Dunno will or nope. Just blably here and there 😁

[leinatch]

November 14 2018

I think, having a friend like Peik Lin is what i need currently. Sleepover, try streetfood, explore around. Just asking a friendship like Rizzoli and Maura or Bo and Lauren.

Really. Having realtalk isn't easy nowadays. Especially, with an ego inside it. Blah!

[leinatch]

2018

A month and three weeks left before 2019. I could say, this year is the flattest year i ever experience IF.. What i get through every single day is the same. Ofc, i expect something that will make excite me. It's been a long time anyway.

Oh, yeah.. In case, you are come over this page. I still could feel it sometimes. I thought, it was gone. I talked to myself after sometime and i feel it again 'this is the last time', turns out... Maybe, maybe... Couple of weeks ago was the last time. It decrease a lot, no need to worry i can assure you, it will be gone by time. Unless The Universe says otherwise. I wish you well, always.

[leinatch]

Mantra

It's okay to not know every single update nowadays. It's okay to know some. I need to be excel or master in one.

[leinatch]

Thank You

Thank you for wake me up about communication. Now, i understand communication shouldn't that hard. A conversation usually easy to start and if you don't like just tell or walk away. No need to make it harder cuz it make you look like a loser

[leinatch]

2018

Seems, this year not being friendly with me. That's okay. I'll try be nice with you till the end of the year. Still got half year to go. Yos! 💪

[leinatch]

Things, i couldn't stop to talk

I couldn't take control over myself when it comes to relationship. I may stop and focus do my obligation. Then, on free time, it will pop up on and on.

Things, i've got tonight:

We or maybe only me searching for long. Longing kind of partner that support us. Support in anything we do. We also afraid to showing our love, we are afraid when we show our love.. They would take the power and makes us like a fool.

We are busy looking after any sign that direct to some direction, is she cheat me? Is she doesn't love me anymore? Am i good enough for her? And, we forgot to ask. To be calm and take a moment to just be there each other and listen then speak what's inside. A lot of time, we are not ready for it. We are not ready to be dump. We are not ready if something changing. Yet, we want to say 'why could you accept the fact?' when we stand as the person whom out of love.

I still on process understanding the sentence 'kalo mau bintang, bilang aja bintang'

[leinatch]

Come Back

Gw mau ngamuk-ngamuk dulu. Sejak beredarnya berita tumblr diblok oleh menteri yang menurut gw tidak bijak. Gw mengira blokiran hanyalah isapan jempol aka ga lama. Tar balik lagi. Ternyata, tidak sobat. Gw sebagai manusia gaptek merasa kenyamanan gw berkeluh kesah terganggu, sangat terganggu. NGELUH DI MANA AING KALO NDAK DI TUMBLR?!

Beruntung setelah sekian abad akhirnya.. Mampu mengalahkan rasa males dan nemu. Oh, gini toh caranya. Elah. Dari kemaren, jadi pan ngedumelnya ga panjang. Ha ha ha..

Jadi, setelah kembali, gw punya kabar sama, yaitu masih homblo dan galauan :)))

Sesungguhnya, ada begitu banyak muatan negatif yang ingin sekali ku sebar. Namun, ku memahami menyebar muatan negatif tak membawa hal positif. Jadi, ku menyampah di tempat lain sahaja. Di sini, ku tak tega :))

[leinatch]

Havent decide the title

I was standing in the balcony. See the scenery at the night. Almost midnight actually. The breeze of the midnight somehow calm me down. My mind jumping here and there. None of them i could hear.

I know, i gotta to take a decision for each of pop up mind. I know all of them against my will. Yet, gotta make it right, like the bullshit i used to hear. Still, i postpone with a wish that... By postpone, the situation got better a bit nor i ready to take the consequences. Yet, none of them happened. Damnit!

Tomorrow morning, i gotta to flight to London. I moved. All already packed. Yet, i havent told to anybody. I bet they would yell at me and think they never on my mind. Inhale deeply.

03.00 AM

Gotta be ready. My taxi will arrived before 3.30 AM. I have no idea what is right time to say pause to people around me. I couldnt categorize any of them as friend, stranger, acquintances, crush, frenemy, enemy, nor a family. Gladly, my hands could work autopilot on prepare something to chew and a cup of warm tea. Suddenly, my phone ringing. The name on screen is... Number. Guess, my taxi driver.

"Hello.."

"Queen?"

*damnit!* "... Yeah?" i could hear a television and some people talk from the phone and i kept silent. Still wondering why would the hell Sarah call me in this hours.

"... Why you still up?"

"Why would you ask?" i answered offensively

"You know... Guess, its not a good time for me to call you. Goodnight Queen"

"Yeah, goodnight!" i threw my phone on the table. Damnit! Why do the hell she called me and say nothing?!

Half of me, curious and afraid something bad happened. More than half, i just too snob to say that i missed her. Then, my apartment telephone ringing

"Yes?"

"Ma'am, did you order a taxi? Its just arrived. Is there any baggage? We could sent a person to help"

"Yes, please. I need a trolley. Thank you"

My food left on the table and my mind got worsen.

***

*knock knock*

A bell boy. He came and take the trolley with him. As he goes inside my apartment. I've got myself out of zone. My mind stuck at a few moment ago and cant go back.

"Ma'am is this all you bellonging?" he look at five big boxes plus two bagages on the floor. My mind goes somewhere and i havent answer the bell boy question.

"Ma'am, are you okay?" the bell boy ask

In a seconds, i've got myself back "yeah, of course. Please, take all this boxes and my bagage downstairs". The bell boy do as i asked.

As the bell boy put one by one my bagage. I take a look one more time to the room i already lives for the whole five years. Five years roller coaster. I could see, my team work on the corner discuss about our company future, how serious we are before take a decision and kicked one of our people, farewell night, celebrating our win over cases, friend gathering, and.. The woman that comes in my life and makes all is perfect then throw me from heaven to hell. Each corner have a story.

When the owner of apartment asking me whether i'm going to rent this unit when i'm back from London or not. I kept asking myself, could i bear all those bittersweet memories? Or will i come to this country like a free person? Once awhile, the man who have this unit persuade me to buy the unit cuz he see me how comfort and enjoy i am lives in this unit, yet.. I say to him "i'm gonna keep that on mind. I'll let you know in the next three months". Thats what i said to the owner of this unit a week before i packed my stuff.

"Ma'am, i'm going to downstairs and put all your belongings in the taxi"

"Yes, please. Please, sent this message to the driver, i'll be there in 30 minutes" as i closed the door. I put my smartphone.

Now or never. That what i said to myself.

[leinatch]

C.I.N.T.A.

Topik yang ngga pernah basi dan ga akan pernah habis dibahas. Hahaha...

Seorang kawan bimbang dengan hubungan yang telah berjalan lebih dari 6 tahun dengan kekasihnya. Pun, berakhir menikahi kekasih yang telah bersama dengannya 6 tahun.

Kawan C patah hati. Merasa berhak dan menentukan bagaimana orang yang dipedulikan menjalani sesuai dengan nasehatnya. Sudah jatuh hati, peduli kemudian ditolak mentah-mentah. Beruntung, saat ini sudah bersama kekasih yang baru.

Kawan D jungkir balik mempertahankan kekasih. Entah bagaimana kabarnya.

Kawan G karir jungkir balik, keluarga jungkir balik, kekasih hati pun demikian. Hidup penuh dengan pengkhianatan. Belakangan, hubungan dengan keluarga membaik. Pun, saia masih enggan berkomunikasi. Entah apa penyebabnya.

Kawan J ingin segera menikah. Hahaha... Semoga tahun ini dilamar kawan!

Kawan Z kenal dan merasa jodoh melalui aplikasi dating. Sempat dalam diri ini ingin memaki, kemudian ingat, sebaik apapun niat saia, bila kawan saia menghendaki. Sudahlah. Setidaknya, saia telah menanyakan kesiapan dirinya dan dia berbahagia. Selesai.

Kawan X bertemu, mengenal dan hingga saat ini masih berlanjut menjajaki kekasih hati yang bermula dari skripsi. Bareng gw lagi! Berasa jadi saksi hidup. Hahaha...

Tambahkan informasi asmara politikus, selebriti dalam berbagai ranah yang dapat diakses melalui berbagai media.

Beberapa orang asing mencurahkan kisah hatinya yang terobek, berdarah, bahkan membusuk oleh karna cinta. Terlalu dalam mencinta, kurang mencinta, hingga hampir gila oleh cinta.

Ada yang tatap muka seketika merasa dunia jungkir balik. Ada yang tatap muka seketika ingin menghilang dari bumi. Ada yang dari biasa-biasa kemudian menjadi luar biasa. Ada yang... Ga tau lah. Banyak banget bentuknya. Inti dari kegilaan dari zaman manusia pertama, mitologi yunani soal Zeus yang doyan ewe sampe Vicky Prasetyo yang saat ini viral berujung kepada . . .

Simply, as human being, we are craved to be accepted. And, since we're human being, we need someone to reconnect from surface to underneath. Each of us have our need level, that level we categorized as click / Mr. Right / soulmate and so on.

**Tulisan ini dibuat dalam rangka menyambut valentine. Seperti tahun lalu pun saia nulis jelang valentine atau pas valentine.

[leinatch]

Sayang

Katanya sayang, namun ragu bertanya

Katanya sayang, namun seseorang ini tidak juga menduduki posisi prioritas

Katanya sayang, namun makian dan kata-kata pedas yang keluar dari bibir

Katanya sayang, mengapa begitu banyak hal yang ditutupi?

Katanya sayang, namun bertukar kabar enggan

Katanya sayang, namun tiap kali bertengkar bukan menyelesaikan malah saling menjauh

Katanya sayang, namun menunggu tanpa berbuat apa-apa

Katanya sayang, namun enggan berubah bersama menuju lebih baik

Katanya sayang, namun semua dituruti

Katanya sayang, namun mengakui rindu tak sanggup

Katanya sayang, mengapa justru kekerasan dan lebam yang tertinggal?

Katanya sayang, mengapa enggan memuji dan mengakui kehebatan pasangan?

Katanya sayang, mengapa penuh dengan kompetisi?

Katanya sayang. . .

Namun, tak pernah terlontar kata-kata "i love you". Selaras dengan sikap. Sepantasnya mundur dan pergi meninggalkan. Bukan terus memperjuangkan yang jelas-jelas enggan memahami dicintai dan mencintai

[leinatch]

Tiga hari

Tiga hari ini penuh kelalaian. Tentu saja berakibat pada gw wajib dealing ama semua konsekuen yang timbul. Untung remahan. Kalo project gede habislah gw

[leinatch]

Sebuah Wejangan yang Tercecer

Mau semanis apapun kamu, mau bawa makanan apapun kamu, ada beberapa orang yang memang tidak bisa mengatasi ketidaksukaannya itu dan sayangnya, that’s the world we have to live in.

Terserah kamu kalau kamu mau mengupayakan segala macam cara agar disukai. Terserah kamu kalau mau susah selama itu (dan rela keluarga kecilmu nanti terpengaruh ketegangan antara kamu dan mertua). Yah, namanya juga orang jatuh cinta, mau dinasehati kayak apa juga enggak bakal ngaruh.

Tapi buat saya, kalau sudah sulit, mungkin itu pertanda kalau belum jodoh. Dulu ada yang pernah menasihati saya, “Kalau memang jalannya pasti akan dimudahkan, kok” dan satu lagi menasihati saya “Sesayang-sayangnya gue sama orang lain, gue lebih sayang sama diri sendiri”.

Pada akhirnya, saya enggak punya tip berarti, karena toh saya kasih wejangan pun belum tentu cocok. Setiap orang tua punya keunikannya masing-masing: ada yang luluh dengan obrolan canggih keadaan pasar saham hari ini, ada yang luluh dengan martabak keju, ada juga yang tidak bisa luluh sama sekali.

Pesan saya sederhana: don’t forget to put yourself first dan jangan terlalu memaksakan sesuatu yang tidak bisa dipaksakan.

Ingat, kalau hubungan kalian maju ke arah yang lebih serius, kamu tidak akan bisa lepas dari keluarga pasanganmu, dan hal-hal yang jadi masalah sekarang, kemungkinan besar akan jadi masalah di masa depan.

If you’re sure you can live with that, fine. But make sure your partner can live with that as well; and make sure it’s worth the pain. Mengutip post-post inspiratif di Tumblr, “Everyone is gonna hurt you in the end, so just make sure it’s worth the pain”

Lupa dapet dari mana, biasa kalo ngga media online ya kelar dari blogwalking.

Update, ini sumbernya:

https://www.rappler.com/indonesia/gaya-hidup/185226-bincang-mantan-cara-merebut-hati-calon-mertua?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=referral&utm_medium=share_bar

[leinatch]

Pengen nulis sesuatu yang panjang kali lebar kali tinggi tapi males ngetik :))