i interact with (and make) dark content, if thatâs not your cup of tea, this blog isnât for you. RULES
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iâm no longer making bots. my profile will remain up, but nothing new will be added.
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if iâm gone for long periods of time, iâm focusing on school and work for a bit before i come back and drop something. please donât ask me when iâm going to come back, i almost always have something cooking if iâm not writerâs blocked.
no minors allowed in here, this is not the space for you. yes i was that kid who read minors dni fics, no youâre not allowed in here anyway. you must have your age on your blog somewhere to follow me otherwise youâre blocked.
Will you please put an incest tag on any incest fics/posts you make?
I have no problem with people consuming or making this content but it's not something I personally want to see as it's kinda triggering for me and blocking tags does no good if people don't use them!
This is not an attack on you or any other user who makes or consumes this content it's just not something I personally want to see
You can filter content in settings, if I trigger tag my things it gets flagged. Also I make the warnings very clear before the read more cutoff⊠so you must have opened them in order to read the incest in question
notes: well hello everyone⊠long time no seeâŠ. no real warnings here i think outside of just mental health stuff. have fun guessing whatâs up with the reader
Thereâs something wrong with you. Youâre all twitchy, speaking way too fast. What the hell happened? Youâve had minor things like this happen before, you usually get like this whenever the seasons change, but things go back to normal within a week or so.
Leon wakes up today at five thirty-sevenâ the sun barely out and the sky blushingâto you with scattered yarn and crochet needles around you. Youâre curled up in a ball, hand moving so fast he can see your shoulderblade jerk. Youâre shaking like a leaf, is it adrenaline?
âCome back to bed.â He mumbles, rubbing his eye with a knuckle as he props himself up on his opposite elbow.
âIâm not sleepy.â You answerâand you donât sound sleepy. Matter of fact, did you even sleep at all last night?
Leon sits up, yawning softly. âHow come youâre up?â
âI wanted to start crocheting.â You glance back, wide fucking awake. âIâve been meaning to get into it for a while.â
âHuh?â He looks at you with squinty eyes, wondering if he heard right.
You roll your eyes at him, looking vaguely irritable. âWhat, is that so out of character for me?â
âJustâŠâ He rubs his eyes back and forth with his fingertips. How the hell are you not tired? âI dunnoâŠâ
âYou dunno what?â You look more irritable, your hand stopping in its tracks. âWhat?â You snap when he doesnât answer.
Leon looks vaguely confusedâand dare you say, slightly hurt?âbefore he looks annoyed. âJesus, donât snap at me, I didnât do anything.â
âWell, I want to do it. So get off my ass.â You return to crocheting fervently, back still to him. Once or twice you nick your fingers, but you donât react. The needles arenât that sharp anyway.
âWasnât on it.â Leon grumbles, turning over and going back to sleep.
Later that day, you about fall asleep into your food. âJesus!â Leon reaches over and catches your head.
âIâm fine.â You mutter, eyes opening and shutting slowly.
âBullshit.â He snaps, pushing your plate away. âWhat the hell is up with you?â
âNothing, God, are you my mother now?â You swat at him slowly, not even managing to make contact with him.
Leon doesnât answer, hefting you up and dragging your sorry ass to bed.
âHeyâŠâ you say sluggishly once heâs deposited you on the bed, limbs moving just as sluggishly. âI was trying to eat.â
âBefore you started falling asleep at five PM.â Leon pulls your pants off and flings them in a corner. âGo the hell to bed.â
âDonât have to be so mean.â You mumble, rolling over. Youâre out of it within mere minutes. It usually takes longer for you to sleep, and that worries Leon just as much.
As annoyed and confused as he is, heâs more worried about you. What the hell is your deal? He watches you as you sleep before an idea occurs to him. He doesnât want to think it, but itâs not outside of the realm of possibility.
âWhat the hell is this?â Leon asks as you make your breakfast the day after that. In his hand, he holds your Prozac prescription. The bottleâs empty, no more refills.
You smile as if heâs a little kid presenting a cool rock to you. âMy prozac.â
âObviously.â He sets it on the counter. âWhy is it empty?â
You snort, pulling the toast from the toaster. âBecause I took all the pills.â
Dread opens a pit in Leonâs stomach. You usually get your refills a week in advance so you donât run out. âAnd you didnât call in a refill?â His voice raises somewhat, and who the fuck is he talking to like that?
âNo.â You shake your head, a wide grin across your face with a manic gleam in your eye.
Leon stares at you. âWhy not?â He asks after a moment of eye contact chicken. You won, for once.
You shrug, assembling your breakfast. âDonât wanna be on it anymore.â
Leon takes a second to center himself. âAnd why not?â
Jesus, broken fucking record much? âBecause it doesnât really help.â You bite into your food, taking the pan to the sink without turning off the burner.
Leon lunges over and turns it off, the knot in his chest releasing.
You scoff, rolling your eyes at him. âI was gonna get that, you know.â
Leon gawks. âAre you fucking insane?â
âNo.â You reply as if heâs a little slow. âI was gonna get the burner when the pan was in the sink.â
âWhy wouldnât you do it the other way around?â Leon leans against the counter, arms folding. Fuck, youâre scaring him a little.
You shrug. âDidnât occur to me.â Itâs kind of hard to think sometimes, like your head is full of cotton.
He just stares at you, head spinning. âWhat the hell do you mean the meds donât help?â
âGod, youâre back on this again?â You roll your eyes, wiping the crumbs off your shirt. âBecause I donât feel anything when Iâm on them.â
Shit. Uh, thatâs not what antidepressants are supposed to do. âWhat do you mean?â Leon asks, voice suddenly quiet. What the hellâs up with him, why does he look so scared?
You stare at him, brows furrowed. âWhat do you think it means? I feel like a blank slate when Iâm on them. Why would I take them if I donât feel anything?â
âBecause youâre being weird.â Worry pinches Leonâs face. âYouâre not sleeping, youâre sleeping at odd hoursââ
âIâve always been a night owl.â Heâs the weird one, not you.
âNot like this!â Leon gestures at you with an open palm. âStaying up until two am is one thing, when the hell do you sleep normally?â
âUhâŠâ You look up at the ceiling, counting on your fingers. âEvery other day?â
Leonâs eyes bulge. âBaby,â he says softly, reaching to take your hand. âThatâs not normal.â
You yank it back. âThis happens sometimes, Jesus.â
âNot like this!â He gestures at you again, hand shaking just slightly. âYouâre taking your meds at that point!â He snatches up your bottle and reads the dose: only forty milligrams. Just over the therapeutic dose. âFuck, do I need to watch for serotonin syndrome?â
You look bewildered. âUh, no. Iâm not that high of a dose.â
He underhand tosses the bottle at you and you bat it away, volleyball instincts taking over. âYou better start back up.â Leon says in a tone youâve only heard maybe twice before, where youâve actually fucked up.
It doesnât scare you like that anymore. âIâll be fine in a month.â You wave a dismissive hand.
You certainly are fucking not. Leon watches as you pour a heavy glass of vodka and lemonade, more vodka than lemonade. Youâre not a heavy drinker, youâre a social drinker, and even then, you donât imbibe much.
âYou need to get help.â He says, voice stony. He loves you, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
âIâm fine.â You mumble into the glass, gulping half of it down in record time.
âHorseshit.â Leon snaps.
You give him a dirty look from over your shoulder. âWhat, Iâm an alcoholic now?â
âIs that what I said?â Is all Leon says before he gets a face full of lemonade and vodka. âWhat the fuck?!â He scrubs a hand over his face and shakes it off, droplets splattering softly on the kitchen floor. The drink drips down your counter and cabinets.
âTalk to me nice, asshat.â Not a lick of guilt or remorse.
His shirt and hairâs soaked. Itâs gonna be sticky later. Shit, heâs sticky now. âJust because Iâm a little sarcastic with you, doesnât mean you throw a drink in my face!â Fuck, lemonade and vodkaâs getting in his eyes and making them sting. He gets a paper towel and wipes his eyes first, then his cheeks.
âOops.â
âOops?â Leon repeats, a little more bass in his voice. âThe fuck is your problem?!â
You roll your eyes, setting your cup down and getting a wad of paper towels to clean the counter. While you do that, Leon gets the liquorâevery last fucking dropâand pours it down the drain. âWait, what the fuck?!â You get up, a foot skidding on the lemonade.
âYouâre fucking mean when youâre drunk.â Leon snaps, holding you back with a hand.
The nerve of him. âIâll just buy more!â
âYeah, you do that.â He snaps over his shoulder at you.
You watch helplessly as the vodka and rum swirls down the drain, not even bothering to try and get past Leon. Then, you start crying. You do that a lot too, you just burst into tears with little provocation. Then you mope for the rest of the day.
Shit, he feels a little bad. Maybe he shouldnât have been rude. Leon sighs, reeling you in with an arm around your middle. âCâmere, I got you.â
Youâre getting mascara all over his sticky shirt, youâre getting sticky too.
He kisses the top of your head. âYouâre gonna be alright. Youâre gonna be okay.â
Right?
âMan, the missions are really taking it out of you, huh?â One of Leonâs coworkers jokes, elbowing him lightly as he sips the terrible coffee from a styrofoam cup.
Leon canât even muster up a smile or a laugh, he just nods. Upon a closer look, his eye bags are so pronounced that they look like black eyes, his eyes bloodshot.
âShit man, take some time off.â His partner says blithely.
Leon shakes his head. âItâs not the missions.â He mumbles after a long two minutes, taking a sip from his coffee. Heâs drinking that shit black, no creamer or sugar dumped in it like usual. âMy girlfriend kept me up last night.â
His coworker wolf-whistles, nudging him again. âDamn, all night? You two have crazy stamina.â
Leon shakes his head, nose flushing. âNot that kind of night.â His voice wobbles, his eyes averting. He sniffles loudly, wiping his nose on the side of his hand.
No, no, no, keep it together. He canât look like a little bitch in front of God and his colleagues.
But youâve been stressing him out so badly, heâs up most nights with you to make sure you donât do something stupid. You almost burned the fucking apartment down when you left a burner on, you lose your shit on him most times than not before you start blubbering out of pure guilt. You never threaten to kill yourself, he guesses even youâand whatever youâve got going onâhave standards.
Shit, he had to hold you down to make you take benadryl (three tablets for you to finally knock the fuck out) at five this morning to make you fucking sleepâhe thought he could sleep, get a little power nap in before he was called in at five-thirty.
Before he knows it, he has to speedwalk away and go cry in the bathroom like a little bitch. He folds over, face in his hands as he sobs, silently begging a God he doesnât believe in for intervention and relief.
He doesnât think he can do this anymore, heâs going to lose his mind.
People say you canât go more than a few days without sleep before you die. Well, you sleep, but itâs every other day. When you speak, itâs a little like word salad. You have the spirit, but when you think bugs are crawling under your skin, you canât quite articulate as much as you want.
He thought you being aggressive and hyperactive and hypersexual for two straight weeks was bad, now heâs met you in a depressive stateâhe thinks depressive might be scarier.
Even if youâre angry at himâthrowing drinks in his face, yelling at him, kicking holes in doors trying to get to himâheâs not afraid heâs going to wake up one day and youâre not there.
You went to sleep this morning with your head on his chest like old timesâjust the thought of old times is making him cry even harder, fuck.
When heâs done sobbing his heart out, he doesnât feel better. He just sees a pussywhipped bitch who canât commit to a 5150 for his girl.
He splashes cold water on his face, waiting for the splotches on his face to disappear. Hopefully he hasnât burst any capillaries.
He kind of wishes he looked better when a superior pulls him into his office. At least his eyes are just watery now, aside from the growing hurt and numbness in his chest.
âLeon, uhâŠâ His superior looks down, fiddling with his lukewarm coffee mug. âI think you should take the day.â
His heart drops. âSir, IâIâŠâ
His superior shakes his head. âThis isnât negotiable, Kennedy. Go home, get some sleep.â
He canât go home. Youâre not really there.
He goes home anyway, he hates to disobey when the fucking government has his balls in a twist. He opens the door and itâs peaceful. He drops his coat on the floor, not even bothering to take off his shoes as he trudges through the apartment to the bedroom door.
Heâs ashamed of it, but heâs relieved when he sees youâre still knocked out. He peels off his clothes to his boxers, forgetting a sock as he gets on the bed, his head on your back with an arm slung over your hips.
You wake before him, wondering why youâre suddenly so warm. Youâre both on your sides, his head pressed to your chest.
Holy shit, he looks heinous. Youâve really been running him ragged. Guilt and affection run through you so quickly you almost start crying. You press your nose against his head, putting an arm over his neck and keeping him close to you.
He wakes up alone, sluggish and disoriented. He didnât sleep good, he had stress dreams about you doing stupid things.
Youâre clinking in the kitchen. When he wanders out with a hand over his eyes, he sees more alcohol that youâve bought, it must be worth at least two hundred dollars.
You look over in time to see him turn around with his head hung, trudging back to your bedroom to sleep more.
He canât be at his best if heâs not well-rested.
The doorâs locked. Why is the door locked? You couldâve sworn you didnât lock it when you left after Leon went to sleep. What the fuck? What the fuck? You sluggishly pat yourself downâyou didnât take a key with you, of course. Wallet, boobs, phoneâbut no keys.
Now youâve gotta break in. You havenât gotten into your house from the outside in a while, youâre rusty and drunk.
You crouch in front of your living room doorâthe perks of a ground floor apartmentâclumsy fingers fumbling with getting the damn thing loose.
You mutter every curse word under the sun trying to get the screen loose for the next ten minutes. You sigh heavily, texting Leon clumsily.
3:42 am - cN ou let mein pls i dorfor my ket
You stare at the blurry phone screen, squinting and moving it this way and that like a mom with readers on. Delivered.
Oh, so heâs sleeping. Sleep sounds nice. Sleep with Leon is always nice, especially since youâre starting to regulate now. Shit, maybe you should see about going back on something. Leonâs put up with so much from you lately, you need to get a grip and not do this shit again.
You think over what you could do as you eventually get the screen off, pulling the window aside and hopping down into the kitchen.
A couple dishes and a pan in the dishrack go tumbling with you as you land on the floor with a loud smack.
Shit, you hope Leon didnât wake up.
You pick yourself up, a shaking hand on the counter that you lean on before you toddle over to the bedroom.
You bounce off a couple walls on the way there, giggling drunkenly to yourself way louder than you think.
Itâs so dark in your room, Leon sleeps like a bat.
You toddle over, your knee hitting the bed and sending you belly flopping on top.
You didnât hit Leon, right?
The bedâs cold. You sit up, falling backward before youâre upright again, reaching over to turn on the side table lamp on his side.
Heâs not here.
But heâs been here recently, the bed is still rumpled where he was laying. You slowly feel the alcohol draining from your head the longer you look around. The closetâs open and messy, the stuff from his side table is gone, you nearly wiped out looking for his bathroom stuff (also gone).
You turn on all the lights in the apartment before racing out here as quickly as a snailâalmost nothing of his is here, save for a scarf and one of his books on the shelf.
You have to lean against the wall, heart hammering for two reasons. Heâs gone? No way, he canât be gone.
Thatâs not possible. He said heâd stick by you, he meant it, you know he did.
You slide down the wall to put your head between your knees before you pull your phone out and call him.
Voicemail. Voicemail again. Voicemail for the third time.
notes: well hello everyone⊠long time no seeâŠ. no real warnings here i think outside of just mental health stuff. have fun guessing whatâs up with the reader
Thereâs something wrong with you. Youâre all twitchy, speaking way too fast. What the hell happened? Youâve had minor things like this happen before, you usually get like this whenever the seasons change, but things go back to normal within a week or so.
Leon wakes up today at five thirty-sevenâ the sun barely out and the sky blushingâto you with scattered yarn and crochet needles around you. Youâre curled up in a ball, hand moving so fast he can see your shoulderblade jerk. Youâre shaking like a leaf, is it adrenaline?
âCome back to bed.â He mumbles, rubbing his eye with a knuckle as he props himself up on his opposite elbow.
âIâm not sleepy.â You answerâand you donât sound sleepy. Matter of fact, did you even sleep at all last night?
Leon sits up, yawning softly. âHow come youâre up?â
âI wanted to start crocheting.â You glance back, wide fucking awake. âIâve been meaning to get into it for a while.â
âHuh?â He looks at you with squinty eyes, wondering if he heard right.
You roll your eyes at him, looking vaguely irritable. âWhat, is that so out of character for me?â
âJustâŠâ He rubs his eyes back and forth with his fingertips. How the hell are you not tired? âI dunnoâŠâ
âYou dunno what?â You look more irritable, your hand stopping in its tracks. âWhat?â You snap when he doesnât answer.
Leon looks vaguely confusedâand dare you say, slightly hurt?âbefore he looks annoyed. âJesus, donât snap at me, I didnât do anything.â
âWell, I want to do it. So get off my ass.â You return to crocheting fervently, back still to him. Once or twice you nick your fingers, but you donât react. The needles arenât that sharp anyway.
âWasnât on it.â Leon grumbles, turning over and going back to sleep.
Later that day, you about fall asleep into your food. âJesus!â Leon reaches over and catches your head.
âIâm fine.â You mutter, eyes opening and shutting slowly.
âBullshit.â He snaps, pushing your plate away. âWhat the hell is up with you?â
âNothing, God, are you my mother now?â You swat at him slowly, not even managing to make contact with him.
Leon doesnât answer, hefting you up and dragging your sorry ass to bed.
âHeyâŠâ you say sluggishly once heâs deposited you on the bed, limbs moving just as sluggishly. âI was trying to eat.â
âBefore you started falling asleep at five PM.â Leon pulls your pants off and flings them in a corner. âGo the hell to bed.â
âDonât have to be so mean.â You mumble, rolling over. Youâre out of it within mere minutes. It usually takes longer for you to sleep, and that worries Leon just as much.
As annoyed and confused as he is, heâs more worried about you. What the hell is your deal? He watches you as you sleep before an idea occurs to him. He doesnât want to think it, but itâs not outside of the realm of possibility.
âWhat the hell is this?â Leon asks as you make your breakfast the day after that. In his hand, he holds your Prozac prescription. The bottleâs empty, no more refills.
You smile as if heâs a little kid presenting a cool rock to you. âMy prozac.â
âObviously.â He sets it on the counter. âWhy is it empty?â
You snort, pulling the toast from the toaster. âBecause I took all the pills.â
Dread opens a pit in Leonâs stomach. You usually get your refills a week in advance so you donât run out. âAnd you didnât call in a refill?â His voice raises somewhat, and who the fuck is he talking to like that?
âNo.â You shake your head, a wide grin across your face with a manic gleam in your eye.
Leon stares at you. âWhy not?â He asks after a moment of eye contact chicken. You won, for once.
You shrug, assembling your breakfast. âDonât wanna be on it anymore.â
Leon takes a second to center himself. âAnd why not?â
Jesus, broken fucking record much? âBecause it doesnât really help.â You bite into your food, taking the pan to the sink without turning off the burner.
Leon lunges over and turns it off, the knot in his chest releasing.
You scoff, rolling your eyes at him. âI was gonna get that, you know.â
Leon gawks. âAre you fucking insane?â
âNo.â You reply as if heâs a little slow. âI was gonna get the burner when the pan was in the sink.â
âWhy wouldnât you do it the other way around?â Leon leans against the counter, arms folding. Fuck, youâre scaring him a little.
You shrug. âDidnât occur to me.â Itâs kind of hard to think sometimes, like your head is full of cotton.
He just stares at you, head spinning. âWhat the hell do you mean the meds donât help?â
âGod, youâre back on this again?â You roll your eyes, wiping the crumbs off your shirt. âBecause I donât feel anything when Iâm on them.â
Shit. Uh, thatâs not what antidepressants are supposed to do. âWhat do you mean?â Leon asks, voice suddenly quiet. What the hellâs up with him, why does he look so scared?
You stare at him, brows furrowed. âWhat do you think it means? I feel like a blank slate when Iâm on them. Why would I take them if I donât feel anything?â
âBecause youâre being weird.â Worry pinches Leonâs face. âYouâre not sleeping, youâre sleeping at odd hoursââ
âIâve always been a night owl.â Heâs the weird one, not you.
âNot like this!â Leon gestures at you with an open palm. âStaying up until two am is one thing, when the hell do you sleep normally?â
âUhâŠâ You look up at the ceiling, counting on your fingers. âEvery other day?â
Leonâs eyes bulge. âBaby,â he says softly, reaching to take your hand. âThatâs not normal.â
You yank it back. âThis happens sometimes, Jesus.â
âNot like this!â He gestures at you again, hand shaking just slightly. âYouâre taking your meds at that point!â He snatches up your bottle and reads the dose: only forty milligrams. Just over the therapeutic dose. âFuck, do I need to watch for serotonin syndrome?â
You look bewildered. âUh, no. Iâm not that high of a dose.â
He underhand tosses the bottle at you and you bat it away, volleyball instincts taking over. âYou better start back up.â Leon says in a tone youâve only heard maybe twice before, where youâve actually fucked up.
It doesnât scare you like that anymore. âIâll be fine in a month.â You wave a dismissive hand.
You certainly are fucking not. Leon watches as you pour a heavy glass of vodka and lemonade, more vodka than lemonade. Youâre not a heavy drinker, youâre a social drinker, and even then, you donât imbibe much.
âYou need to get help.â He says, voice stony. He loves you, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
âIâm fine.â You mumble into the glass, gulping half of it down in record time.
âHorseshit.â Leon snaps.
You give him a dirty look from over your shoulder. âWhat, Iâm an alcoholic now?â
âIs that what I said?â Is all Leon says before he gets a face full of lemonade and vodka. âWhat the fuck?!â He scrubs a hand over his face and shakes it off, droplets splattering softly on the kitchen floor. The drink drips down your counter and cabinets.
âTalk to me nice, asshat.â Not a lick of guilt or remorse.
His shirt and hairâs soaked. Itâs gonna be sticky later. Shit, heâs sticky now. âJust because Iâm a little sarcastic with you, doesnât mean you throw a drink in my face!â Fuck, lemonade and vodkaâs getting in his eyes and making them sting. He gets a paper towel and wipes his eyes first, then his cheeks.
âOops.â
âOops?â Leon repeats, a little more bass in his voice. âThe fuck is your problem?!â
You roll your eyes, setting your cup down and getting a wad of paper towels to clean the counter. While you do that, Leon gets the liquorâevery last fucking dropâand pours it down the drain. âWait, what the fuck?!â You get up, a foot skidding on the lemonade.
âYouâre fucking mean when youâre drunk.â Leon snaps, holding you back with a hand.
The nerve of him. âIâll just buy more!â
âYeah, you do that.â He snaps over his shoulder at you.
You watch helplessly as the vodka and rum swirls down the drain, not even bothering to try and get past Leon. Then, you start crying. You do that a lot too, you just burst into tears with little provocation. Then you mope for the rest of the day.
Shit, he feels a little bad. Maybe he shouldnât have been rude. Leon sighs, reeling you in with an arm around your middle. âCâmere, I got you.â
Youâre getting mascara all over his sticky shirt, youâre getting sticky too.
He kisses the top of your head. âYouâre gonna be alright. Youâre gonna be okay.â
Right?
âMan, the missions are really taking it out of you, huh?â One of Leonâs coworkers jokes, elbowing him lightly as he sips the terrible coffee from a styrofoam cup.
Leon canât even muster up a smile or a laugh, he just nods. Upon a closer look, his eye bags are so pronounced that they look like black eyes, his eyes bloodshot.
âShit man, take some time off.â His partner says blithely.
Leon shakes his head. âItâs not the missions.â He mumbles after a long two minutes, taking a sip from his coffee. Heâs drinking that shit black, no creamer or sugar dumped in it like usual. âMy girlfriend kept me up last night.â
His coworker wolf-whistles, nudging him again. âDamn, all night? You two have crazy stamina.â
Leon shakes his head, nose flushing. âNot that kind of night.â His voice wobbles, his eyes averting. He sniffles loudly, wiping his nose on the side of his hand.
No, no, no, keep it together. He canât look like a little bitch in front of God and his colleagues.
But youâve been stressing him out so badly, heâs up most nights with you to make sure you donât do something stupid. You almost burned the fucking apartment down when you left a burner on, you lose your shit on him most times than not before you start blubbering out of pure guilt. You never threaten to kill yourself, he guesses even youâand whatever youâve got going onâhave standards.
Shit, he had to hold you down to make you take benadryl (three tablets for you to finally knock the fuck out) at five this morning to make you fucking sleepâhe thought he could sleep, get a little power nap in before he was called in at five-thirty.
Before he knows it, he has to speedwalk away and go cry in the bathroom like a little bitch. He folds over, face in his hands as he sobs, silently begging a God he doesnât believe in for intervention and relief.
He doesnât think he can do this anymore, heâs going to lose his mind.
People say you canât go more than a few days without sleep before you die. Well, you sleep, but itâs every other day. When you speak, itâs a little like word salad. You have the spirit, but when you think bugs are crawling under your skin, you canât quite articulate as much as you want.
He thought you being aggressive and hyperactive and hypersexual for two straight weeks was bad, now heâs met you in a depressive stateâhe thinks depressive might be scarier.
Even if youâre angry at himâthrowing drinks in his face, yelling at him, kicking holes in doors trying to get to himâheâs not afraid heâs going to wake up one day and youâre not there.
You went to sleep this morning with your head on his chest like old timesâjust the thought of old times is making him cry even harder, fuck.
When heâs done sobbing his heart out, he doesnât feel better. He just sees a pussywhipped bitch who canât commit to a 5150 for his girl.
He splashes cold water on his face, waiting for the splotches on his face to disappear. Hopefully he hasnât burst any capillaries.
He kind of wishes he looked better when a superior pulls him into his office. At least his eyes are just watery now, aside from the growing hurt and numbness in his chest.
âLeon, uhâŠâ His superior looks down, fiddling with his lukewarm coffee mug. âI think you should take the day.â
His heart drops. âSir, IâIâŠâ
His superior shakes his head. âThis isnât negotiable, Kennedy. Go home, get some sleep.â
He canât go home. Youâre not really there.
He goes home anyway, he hates to disobey when the fucking government has his balls in a twist. He opens the door and itâs peaceful. He drops his coat on the floor, not even bothering to take off his shoes as he trudges through the apartment to the bedroom door.
Heâs ashamed of it, but heâs relieved when he sees youâre still knocked out. He peels off his clothes to his boxers, forgetting a sock as he gets on the bed, his head on your back with an arm slung over your hips.
You wake before him, wondering why youâre suddenly so warm. Youâre both on your sides, his head pressed to your chest.
Holy shit, he looks heinous. Youâve really been running him ragged. Guilt and affection run through you so quickly you almost start crying. You press your nose against his head, putting an arm over his neck and keeping him close to you.
He wakes up alone, sluggish and disoriented. He didnât sleep good, he had stress dreams about you doing stupid things.
Youâre clinking in the kitchen. When he wanders out with a hand over his eyes, he sees more alcohol that youâve bought, it must be worth at least two hundred dollars.
You look over in time to see him turn around with his head hung, trudging back to your bedroom to sleep more.
He canât be at his best if heâs not well-rested.
The doorâs locked. Why is the door locked? You couldâve sworn you didnât lock it when you left after Leon went to sleep. What the fuck? What the fuck? You sluggishly pat yourself downâyou didnât take a key with you, of course. Wallet, boobs, phoneâbut no keys.
Now youâve gotta break in. You havenât gotten into your house from the outside in a while, youâre rusty and drunk.
You crouch in front of your living room doorâthe perks of a ground floor apartmentâclumsy fingers fumbling with getting the damn thing loose.
You mutter every curse word under the sun trying to get the screen loose for the next ten minutes. You sigh heavily, texting Leon clumsily.
3:42 am - cN ou let mein pls i dorfor my ket
You stare at the blurry phone screen, squinting and moving it this way and that like a mom with readers on. Delivered.
Oh, so heâs sleeping. Sleep sounds nice. Sleep with Leon is always nice, especially since youâre starting to regulate now. Shit, maybe you should see about going back on something. Leonâs put up with so much from you lately, you need to get a grip and not do this shit again.
You think over what you could do as you eventually get the screen off, pulling the window aside and hopping down into the kitchen.
A couple dishes and a pan in the dishrack go tumbling with you as you land on the floor with a loud smack.
Shit, you hope Leon didnât wake up.
You pick yourself up, a shaking hand on the counter that you lean on before you toddle over to the bedroom.
You bounce off a couple walls on the way there, giggling drunkenly to yourself way louder than you think.
Itâs so dark in your room, Leon sleeps like a bat.
You toddle over, your knee hitting the bed and sending you belly flopping on top.
You didnât hit Leon, right?
The bedâs cold. You sit up, falling backward before youâre upright again, reaching over to turn on the side table lamp on his side.
Heâs not here.
But heâs been here recently, the bed is still rumpled where he was laying. You slowly feel the alcohol draining from your head the longer you look around. The closetâs open and messy, the stuff from his side table is gone, you nearly wiped out looking for his bathroom stuff (also gone).
You turn on all the lights in the apartment before racing out here as quickly as a snailâalmost nothing of his is here, save for a scarf and one of his books on the shelf.
You have to lean against the wall, heart hammering for two reasons. Heâs gone? No way, he canât be gone.
Thatâs not possible. He said heâd stick by you, he meant it, you know he did.
You slide down the wall to put your head between your knees before you pull your phone out and call him.
Voicemail. Voicemail again. Voicemail for the third time.
notes: well hello everyone⊠long time no seeâŠ. no real warnings here i think outside of just mental health stuff. have fun guessing whatâs up with the reader
Thereâs something wrong with you. Youâre all twitchy, speaking way too fast. What the hell happened? Youâve had minor things like this happen before, you usually get like this whenever the seasons change, but things go back to normal within a week or so.
Leon wakes up today at five thirty-sevenâ the sun barely out and the sky blushingâto you with scattered yarn and crochet needles around you. Youâre curled up in a ball, hand moving so fast he can see your shoulderblade jerk. Youâre shaking like a leaf, is it adrenaline?
âCome back to bed.â He mumbles, rubbing his eye with a knuckle as he props himself up on his opposite elbow.
âIâm not sleepy.â You answerâand you donât sound sleepy. Matter of fact, did you even sleep at all last night?
Leon sits up, yawning softly. âHow come youâre up?â
âI wanted to start crocheting.â You glance back, wide fucking awake. âIâve been meaning to get into it for a while.â
âHuh?â He looks at you with squinty eyes, wondering if he heard right.
You roll your eyes at him, looking vaguely irritable. âWhat, is that so out of character for me?â
âJustâŠâ He rubs his eyes back and forth with his fingertips. How the hell are you not tired? âI dunnoâŠâ
âYou dunno what?â You look more irritable, your hand stopping in its tracks. âWhat?â You snap when he doesnât answer.
Leon looks vaguely confusedâand dare you say, slightly hurt?âbefore he looks annoyed. âJesus, donât snap at me, I didnât do anything.â
âWell, I want to do it. So get off my ass.â You return to crocheting fervently, back still to him. Once or twice you nick your fingers, but you donât react. The needles arenât that sharp anyway.
âWasnât on it.â Leon grumbles, turning over and going back to sleep.
Later that day, you about fall asleep into your food. âJesus!â Leon reaches over and catches your head.
âIâm fine.â You mutter, eyes opening and shutting slowly.
âBullshit.â He snaps, pushing your plate away. âWhat the hell is up with you?â
âNothing, God, are you my mother now?â You swat at him slowly, not even managing to make contact with him.
Leon doesnât answer, hefting you up and dragging your sorry ass to bed.
âHeyâŠâ you say sluggishly once heâs deposited you on the bed, limbs moving just as sluggishly. âI was trying to eat.â
âBefore you started falling asleep at five PM.â Leon pulls your pants off and flings them in a corner. âGo the hell to bed.â
âDonât have to be so mean.â You mumble, rolling over. Youâre out of it within mere minutes. It usually takes longer for you to sleep, and that worries Leon just as much.
As annoyed and confused as he is, heâs more worried about you. What the hell is your deal? He watches you as you sleep before an idea occurs to him. He doesnât want to think it, but itâs not outside of the realm of possibility.
âWhat the hell is this?â Leon asks as you make your breakfast the day after that. In his hand, he holds your Prozac prescription. The bottleâs empty, no more refills.
You smile as if heâs a little kid presenting a cool rock to you. âMy prozac.â
âObviously.â He sets it on the counter. âWhy is it empty?â
You snort, pulling the toast from the toaster. âBecause I took all the pills.â
Dread opens a pit in Leonâs stomach. You usually get your refills a week in advance so you donât run out. âAnd you didnât call in a refill?â His voice raises somewhat, and who the fuck is he talking to like that?
âNo.â You shake your head, a wide grin across your face with a manic gleam in your eye.
Leon stares at you. âWhy not?â He asks after a moment of eye contact chicken. You won, for once.
You shrug, assembling your breakfast. âDonât wanna be on it anymore.â
Leon takes a second to center himself. âAnd why not?â
Jesus, broken fucking record much? âBecause it doesnât really help.â You bite into your food, taking the pan to the sink without turning off the burner.
Leon lunges over and turns it off, the knot in his chest releasing.
You scoff, rolling your eyes at him. âI was gonna get that, you know.â
Leon gawks. âAre you fucking insane?â
âNo.â You reply as if heâs a little slow. âI was gonna get the burner when the pan was in the sink.â
âWhy wouldnât you do it the other way around?â Leon leans against the counter, arms folding. Fuck, youâre scaring him a little.
You shrug. âDidnât occur to me.â Itâs kind of hard to think sometimes, like your head is full of cotton.
He just stares at you, head spinning. âWhat the hell do you mean the meds donât help?â
âGod, youâre back on this again?â You roll your eyes, wiping the crumbs off your shirt. âBecause I donât feel anything when Iâm on them.â
Shit. Uh, thatâs not what antidepressants are supposed to do. âWhat do you mean?â Leon asks, voice suddenly quiet. What the hellâs up with him, why does he look so scared?
You stare at him, brows furrowed. âWhat do you think it means? I feel like a blank slate when Iâm on them. Why would I take them if I donât feel anything?â
âBecause youâre being weird.â Worry pinches Leonâs face. âYouâre not sleeping, youâre sleeping at odd hoursââ
âIâve always been a night owl.â Heâs the weird one, not you.
âNot like this!â Leon gestures at you with an open palm. âStaying up until two am is one thing, when the hell do you sleep normally?â
âUhâŠâ You look up at the ceiling, counting on your fingers. âEvery other day?â
Leonâs eyes bulge. âBaby,â he says softly, reaching to take your hand. âThatâs not normal.â
You yank it back. âThis happens sometimes, Jesus.â
âNot like this!â He gestures at you again, hand shaking just slightly. âYouâre taking your meds at that point!â He snatches up your bottle and reads the dose: only forty milligrams. Just over the therapeutic dose. âFuck, do I need to watch for serotonin syndrome?â
You look bewildered. âUh, no. Iâm not that high of a dose.â
He underhand tosses the bottle at you and you bat it away, volleyball instincts taking over. âYou better start back up.â Leon says in a tone youâve only heard maybe twice before, where youâve actually fucked up.
It doesnât scare you like that anymore. âIâll be fine in a month.â You wave a dismissive hand.
You certainly are fucking not. Leon watches as you pour a heavy glass of vodka and lemonade, more vodka than lemonade. Youâre not a heavy drinker, youâre a social drinker, and even then, you donât imbibe much.
âYou need to get help.â He says, voice stony. He loves you, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
âIâm fine.â You mumble into the glass, gulping half of it down in record time.
âHorseshit.â Leon snaps.
You give him a dirty look from over your shoulder. âWhat, Iâm an alcoholic now?â
âIs that what I said?â Is all Leon says before he gets a face full of lemonade and vodka. âWhat the fuck?!â He scrubs a hand over his face and shakes it off, droplets splattering softly on the kitchen floor. The drink drips down your counter and cabinets.
âTalk to me nice, asshat.â Not a lick of guilt or remorse.
His shirt and hairâs soaked. Itâs gonna be sticky later. Shit, heâs sticky now. âJust because Iâm a little sarcastic with you, doesnât mean you throw a drink in my face!â Fuck, lemonade and vodkaâs getting in his eyes and making them sting. He gets a paper towel and wipes his eyes first, then his cheeks.
âOops.â
âOops?â Leon repeats, a little more bass in his voice. âThe fuck is your problem?!â
You roll your eyes, setting your cup down and getting a wad of paper towels to clean the counter. While you do that, Leon gets the liquorâevery last fucking dropâand pours it down the drain. âWait, what the fuck?!â You get up, a foot skidding on the lemonade.
âYouâre fucking mean when youâre drunk.â Leon snaps, holding you back with a hand.
The nerve of him. âIâll just buy more!â
âYeah, you do that.â He snaps over his shoulder at you.
You watch helplessly as the vodka and rum swirls down the drain, not even bothering to try and get past Leon. Then, you start crying. You do that a lot too, you just burst into tears with little provocation. Then you mope for the rest of the day.
Shit, he feels a little bad. Maybe he shouldnât have been rude. Leon sighs, reeling you in with an arm around your middle. âCâmere, I got you.â
Youâre getting mascara all over his sticky shirt, youâre getting sticky too.
He kisses the top of your head. âYouâre gonna be alright. Youâre gonna be okay.â
Right?
âMan, the missions are really taking it out of you, huh?â One of Leonâs coworkers jokes, elbowing him lightly as he sips the terrible coffee from a styrofoam cup.
Leon canât even muster up a smile or a laugh, he just nods. Upon a closer look, his eye bags are so pronounced that they look like black eyes, his eyes bloodshot.
âShit man, take some time off.â His partner says blithely.
Leon shakes his head. âItâs not the missions.â He mumbles after a long two minutes, taking a sip from his coffee. Heâs drinking that shit black, no creamer or sugar dumped in it like usual. âMy girlfriend kept me up last night.â
His coworker wolf-whistles, nudging him again. âDamn, all night? You two have crazy stamina.â
Leon shakes his head, nose flushing. âNot that kind of night.â His voice wobbles, his eyes averting. He sniffles loudly, wiping his nose on the side of his hand.
No, no, no, keep it together. He canât look like a little bitch in front of God and his colleagues.
But youâve been stressing him out so badly, heâs up most nights with you to make sure you donât do something stupid. You almost burned the fucking apartment down when you left a burner on, you lose your shit on him most times than not before you start blubbering out of pure guilt. You never threaten to kill yourself, he guesses even youâand whatever youâve got going onâhave standards.
Shit, he had to hold you down to make you take benadryl (three tablets for you to finally knock the fuck out) at five this morning to make you fucking sleepâhe thought he could sleep, get a little power nap in before he was called in at five-thirty.
Before he knows it, he has to speedwalk away and go cry in the bathroom like a little bitch. He folds over, face in his hands as he sobs, silently begging a God he doesnât believe in for intervention and relief.
He doesnât think he can do this anymore, heâs going to lose his mind.
People say you canât go more than a few days without sleep before you die. Well, you sleep, but itâs every other day. When you speak, itâs a little like word salad. You have the spirit, but when you think bugs are crawling under your skin, you canât quite articulate as much as you want.
He thought you being aggressive and hyperactive and hypersexual for two straight weeks was bad, now heâs met you in a depressive stateâhe thinks depressive might be scarier.
Even if youâre angry at himâthrowing drinks in his face, yelling at him, kicking holes in doors trying to get to himâheâs not afraid heâs going to wake up one day and youâre not there.
You went to sleep this morning with your head on his chest like old timesâjust the thought of old times is making him cry even harder, fuck.
When heâs done sobbing his heart out, he doesnât feel better. He just sees a pussywhipped bitch who canât commit to a 5150 for his girl.
He splashes cold water on his face, waiting for the splotches on his face to disappear. Hopefully he hasnât burst any capillaries.
He kind of wishes he looked better when a superior pulls him into his office. At least his eyes are just watery now, aside from the growing hurt and numbness in his chest.
âLeon, uhâŠâ His superior looks down, fiddling with his lukewarm coffee mug. âI think you should take the day.â
His heart drops. âSir, IâIâŠâ
His superior shakes his head. âThis isnât negotiable, Kennedy. Go home, get some sleep.â
He canât go home. Youâre not really there.
He goes home anyway, he hates to disobey when the fucking government has his balls in a twist. He opens the door and itâs peaceful. He drops his coat on the floor, not even bothering to take off his shoes as he trudges through the apartment to the bedroom door.
Heâs ashamed of it, but heâs relieved when he sees youâre still knocked out. He peels off his clothes to his boxers, forgetting a sock as he gets on the bed, his head on your back with an arm slung over your hips.
You wake before him, wondering why youâre suddenly so warm. Youâre both on your sides, his head pressed to your chest.
Holy shit, he looks heinous. Youâve really been running him ragged. Guilt and affection run through you so quickly you almost start crying. You press your nose against his head, putting an arm over his neck and keeping him close to you.
He wakes up alone, sluggish and disoriented. He didnât sleep good, he had stress dreams about you doing stupid things.
Youâre clinking in the kitchen. When he wanders out with a hand over his eyes, he sees more alcohol that youâve bought, it must be worth at least two hundred dollars.
You look over in time to see him turn around with his head hung, trudging back to your bedroom to sleep more.
He canât be at his best if heâs not well-rested.
The doorâs locked. Why is the door locked? You couldâve sworn you didnât lock it when you left after Leon went to sleep. What the fuck? What the fuck? You sluggishly pat yourself downâyou didnât take a key with you, of course. Wallet, boobs, phoneâbut no keys.
Now youâve gotta break in. You havenât gotten into your house from the outside in a while, youâre rusty and drunk.
You crouch in front of your living room doorâthe perks of a ground floor apartmentâclumsy fingers fumbling with getting the damn thing loose.
You mutter every curse word under the sun trying to get the screen loose for the next ten minutes. You sigh heavily, texting Leon clumsily.
3:42 am - cN ou let mein pls i dorfor my ket
You stare at the blurry phone screen, squinting and moving it this way and that like a mom with readers on. Delivered.
Oh, so heâs sleeping. Sleep sounds nice. Sleep with Leon is always nice, especially since youâre starting to regulate now. Shit, maybe you should see about going back on something. Leonâs put up with so much from you lately, you need to get a grip and not do this shit again.
You think over what you could do as you eventually get the screen off, pulling the window aside and hopping down into the kitchen.
A couple dishes and a pan in the dishrack go tumbling with you as you land on the floor with a loud smack.
Shit, you hope Leon didnât wake up.
You pick yourself up, a shaking hand on the counter that you lean on before you toddle over to the bedroom.
You bounce off a couple walls on the way there, giggling drunkenly to yourself way louder than you think.
Itâs so dark in your room, Leon sleeps like a bat.
You toddle over, your knee hitting the bed and sending you belly flopping on top.
You didnât hit Leon, right?
The bedâs cold. You sit up, falling backward before youâre upright again, reaching over to turn on the side table lamp on his side.
Heâs not here.
But heâs been here recently, the bed is still rumpled where he was laying. You slowly feel the alcohol draining from your head the longer you look around. The closetâs open and messy, the stuff from his side table is gone, you nearly wiped out looking for his bathroom stuff (also gone).
You turn on all the lights in the apartment before racing out here as quickly as a snailâalmost nothing of his is here, save for a scarf and one of his books on the shelf.
You have to lean against the wall, heart hammering for two reasons. Heâs gone? No way, he canât be gone.
Thatâs not possible. He said heâd stick by you, he meant it, you know he did.
You slide down the wall to put your head between your knees before you pull your phone out and call him.
Voicemail. Voicemail again. Voicemail for the third time.
notes: well hello everyone⊠long time no seeâŠ. no real warnings here i think outside of just mental health stuff. have fun guessing whatâs up with the reader
Thereâs something wrong with you. Youâre all twitchy, speaking way too fast. What the hell happened? Youâve had minor things like this happen before, you usually get like this whenever the seasons change, but things go back to normal within a week or so.
Leon wakes up today at five thirty-sevenâ the sun barely out and the sky blushingâto you with scattered yarn and crochet needles around you. Youâre curled up in a ball, hand moving so fast he can see your shoulderblade jerk. Youâre shaking like a leaf, is it adrenaline?
âCome back to bed.â He mumbles, rubbing his eye with a knuckle as he props himself up on his opposite elbow.
âIâm not sleepy.â You answerâand you donât sound sleepy. Matter of fact, did you even sleep at all last night?
Leon sits up, yawning softly. âHow come youâre up?â
âI wanted to start crocheting.â You glance back, wide fucking awake. âIâve been meaning to get into it for a while.â
âHuh?â He looks at you with squinty eyes, wondering if he heard right.
You roll your eyes at him, looking vaguely irritable. âWhat, is that so out of character for me?â
âJustâŠâ He rubs his eyes back and forth with his fingertips. How the hell are you not tired? âI dunnoâŠâ
âYou dunno what?â You look more irritable, your hand stopping in its tracks. âWhat?â You snap when he doesnât answer.
Leon looks vaguely confusedâand dare you say, slightly hurt?âbefore he looks annoyed. âJesus, donât snap at me, I didnât do anything.â
âWell, I want to do it. So get off my ass.â You return to crocheting fervently, back still to him. Once or twice you nick your fingers, but you donât react. The needles arenât that sharp anyway.
âWasnât on it.â Leon grumbles, turning over and going back to sleep.
Later that day, you about fall asleep into your food. âJesus!â Leon reaches over and catches your head.
âIâm fine.â You mutter, eyes opening and shutting slowly.
âBullshit.â He snaps, pushing your plate away. âWhat the hell is up with you?â
âNothing, God, are you my mother now?â You swat at him slowly, not even managing to make contact with him.
Leon doesnât answer, hefting you up and dragging your sorry ass to bed.
âHeyâŠâ you say sluggishly once heâs deposited you on the bed, limbs moving just as sluggishly. âI was trying to eat.â
âBefore you started falling asleep at five PM.â Leon pulls your pants off and flings them in a corner. âGo the hell to bed.â
âDonât have to be so mean.â You mumble, rolling over. Youâre out of it within mere minutes. It usually takes longer for you to sleep, and that worries Leon just as much.
As annoyed and confused as he is, heâs more worried about you. What the hell is your deal? He watches you as you sleep before an idea occurs to him. He doesnât want to think it, but itâs not outside of the realm of possibility.
âWhat the hell is this?â Leon asks as you make your breakfast the day after that. In his hand, he holds your Prozac prescription. The bottleâs empty, no more refills.
You smile as if heâs a little kid presenting a cool rock to you. âMy prozac.â
âObviously.â He sets it on the counter. âWhy is it empty?â
You snort, pulling the toast from the toaster. âBecause I took all the pills.â
Dread opens a pit in Leonâs stomach. You usually get your refills a week in advance so you donât run out. âAnd you didnât call in a refill?â His voice raises somewhat, and who the fuck is he talking to like that?
âNo.â You shake your head, a wide grin across your face with a manic gleam in your eye.
Leon stares at you. âWhy not?â He asks after a moment of eye contact chicken. You won, for once.
You shrug, assembling your breakfast. âDonât wanna be on it anymore.â
Leon takes a second to center himself. âAnd why not?â
Jesus, broken fucking record much? âBecause it doesnât really help.â You bite into your food, taking the pan to the sink without turning off the burner.
Leon lunges over and turns it off, the knot in his chest releasing.
You scoff, rolling your eyes at him. âI was gonna get that, you know.â
Leon gawks. âAre you fucking insane?â
âNo.â You reply as if heâs a little slow. âI was gonna get the burner when the pan was in the sink.â
âWhy wouldnât you do it the other way around?â Leon leans against the counter, arms folding. Fuck, youâre scaring him a little.
You shrug. âDidnât occur to me.â Itâs kind of hard to think sometimes, like your head is full of cotton.
He just stares at you, head spinning. âWhat the hell do you mean the meds donât help?â
âGod, youâre back on this again?â You roll your eyes, wiping the crumbs off your shirt. âBecause I donât feel anything when Iâm on them.â
Shit. Uh, thatâs not what antidepressants are supposed to do. âWhat do you mean?â Leon asks, voice suddenly quiet. What the hellâs up with him, why does he look so scared?
You stare at him, brows furrowed. âWhat do you think it means? I feel like a blank slate when Iâm on them. Why would I take them if I donât feel anything?â
âBecause youâre being weird.â Worry pinches Leonâs face. âYouâre not sleeping, youâre sleeping at odd hoursââ
âIâve always been a night owl.â Heâs the weird one, not you.
âNot like this!â Leon gestures at you with an open palm. âStaying up until two am is one thing, when the hell do you sleep normally?â
âUhâŠâ You look up at the ceiling, counting on your fingers. âEvery other day?â
Leonâs eyes bulge. âBaby,â he says softly, reaching to take your hand. âThatâs not normal.â
You yank it back. âThis happens sometimes, Jesus.â
âNot like this!â He gestures at you again, hand shaking just slightly. âYouâre taking your meds at that point!â He snatches up your bottle and reads the dose: only forty milligrams. Just over the therapeutic dose. âFuck, do I need to watch for serotonin syndrome?â
You look bewildered. âUh, no. Iâm not that high of a dose.â
He underhand tosses the bottle at you and you bat it away, volleyball instincts taking over. âYou better start back up.â Leon says in a tone youâve only heard maybe twice before, where youâve actually fucked up.
It doesnât scare you like that anymore. âIâll be fine in a month.â You wave a dismissive hand.
You certainly are fucking not. Leon watches as you pour a heavy glass of vodka and lemonade, more vodka than lemonade. Youâre not a heavy drinker, youâre a social drinker, and even then, you donât imbibe much.
âYou need to get help.â He says, voice stony. He loves you, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
âIâm fine.â You mumble into the glass, gulping half of it down in record time.
âHorseshit.â Leon snaps.
You give him a dirty look from over your shoulder. âWhat, Iâm an alcoholic now?â
âIs that what I said?â Is all Leon says before he gets a face full of lemonade and vodka. âWhat the fuck?!â He scrubs a hand over his face and shakes it off, droplets splattering softly on the kitchen floor. The drink drips down your counter and cabinets.
âTalk to me nice, asshat.â Not a lick of guilt or remorse.
His shirt and hairâs soaked. Itâs gonna be sticky later. Shit, heâs sticky now. âJust because Iâm a little sarcastic with you, doesnât mean you throw a drink in my face!â Fuck, lemonade and vodkaâs getting in his eyes and making them sting. He gets a paper towel and wipes his eyes first, then his cheeks.
âOops.â
âOops?â Leon repeats, a little more bass in his voice. âThe fuck is your problem?!â
You roll your eyes, setting your cup down and getting a wad of paper towels to clean the counter. While you do that, Leon gets the liquorâevery last fucking dropâand pours it down the drain. âWait, what the fuck?!â You get up, a foot skidding on the lemonade.
âYouâre fucking mean when youâre drunk.â Leon snaps, holding you back with a hand.
The nerve of him. âIâll just buy more!â
âYeah, you do that.â He snaps over his shoulder at you.
You watch helplessly as the vodka and rum swirls down the drain, not even bothering to try and get past Leon. Then, you start crying. You do that a lot too, you just burst into tears with little provocation. Then you mope for the rest of the day.
Shit, he feels a little bad. Maybe he shouldnât have been rude. Leon sighs, reeling you in with an arm around your middle. âCâmere, I got you.â
Youâre getting mascara all over his sticky shirt, youâre getting sticky too.
He kisses the top of your head. âYouâre gonna be alright. Youâre gonna be okay.â
Right?
âMan, the missions are really taking it out of you, huh?â One of Leonâs coworkers jokes, elbowing him lightly as he sips the terrible coffee from a styrofoam cup.
Leon canât even muster up a smile or a laugh, he just nods. Upon a closer look, his eye bags are so pronounced that they look like black eyes, his eyes bloodshot.
âShit man, take some time off.â His partner says blithely.
Leon shakes his head. âItâs not the missions.â He mumbles after a long two minutes, taking a sip from his coffee. Heâs drinking that shit black, no creamer or sugar dumped in it like usual. âMy girlfriend kept me up last night.â
His coworker wolf-whistles, nudging him again. âDamn, all night? You two have crazy stamina.â
Leon shakes his head, nose flushing. âNot that kind of night.â His voice wobbles, his eyes averting. He sniffles loudly, wiping his nose on the side of his hand.
No, no, no, keep it together. He canât look like a little bitch in front of God and his colleagues.
But youâve been stressing him out so badly, heâs up most nights with you to make sure you donât do something stupid. You almost burned the fucking apartment down when you left a burner on, you lose your shit on him most times than not before you start blubbering out of pure guilt. You never threaten to kill yourself, he guesses even youâand whatever youâve got going onâhave standards.
Shit, he had to hold you down to make you take benadryl (three tablets for you to finally knock the fuck out) at five this morning to make you fucking sleepâhe thought he could sleep, get a little power nap in before he was called in at five-thirty.
Before he knows it, he has to speedwalk away and go cry in the bathroom like a little bitch. He folds over, face in his hands as he sobs, silently begging a God he doesnât believe in for intervention and relief.
He doesnât think he can do this anymore, heâs going to lose his mind.
People say you canât go more than a few days without sleep before you die. Well, you sleep, but itâs every other day. When you speak, itâs a little like word salad. You have the spirit, but when you think bugs are crawling under your skin, you canât quite articulate as much as you want.
He thought you being aggressive and hyperactive and hypersexual for two straight weeks was bad, now heâs met you in a depressive stateâhe thinks depressive might be scarier.
Even if youâre angry at himâthrowing drinks in his face, yelling at him, kicking holes in doors trying to get to himâheâs not afraid heâs going to wake up one day and youâre not there.
You went to sleep this morning with your head on his chest like old timesâjust the thought of old times is making him cry even harder, fuck.
When heâs done sobbing his heart out, he doesnât feel better. He just sees a pussywhipped bitch who canât commit to a 5150 for his girl.
He splashes cold water on his face, waiting for the splotches on his face to disappear. Hopefully he hasnât burst any capillaries.
He kind of wishes he looked better when a superior pulls him into his office. At least his eyes are just watery now, aside from the growing hurt and numbness in his chest.
âLeon, uhâŠâ His superior looks down, fiddling with his lukewarm coffee mug. âI think you should take the day.â
His heart drops. âSir, IâIâŠâ
His superior shakes his head. âThis isnât negotiable, Kennedy. Go home, get some sleep.â
He canât go home. Youâre not really there.
He goes home anyway, he hates to disobey when the fucking government has his balls in a twist. He opens the door and itâs peaceful. He drops his coat on the floor, not even bothering to take off his shoes as he trudges through the apartment to the bedroom door.
Heâs ashamed of it, but heâs relieved when he sees youâre still knocked out. He peels off his clothes to his boxers, forgetting a sock as he gets on the bed, his head on your back with an arm slung over your hips.
You wake before him, wondering why youâre suddenly so warm. Youâre both on your sides, his head pressed to your chest.
Holy shit, he looks heinous. Youâve really been running him ragged. Guilt and affection run through you so quickly you almost start crying. You press your nose against his head, putting an arm over his neck and keeping him close to you.
He wakes up alone, sluggish and disoriented. He didnât sleep good, he had stress dreams about you doing stupid things.
Youâre clinking in the kitchen. When he wanders out with a hand over his eyes, he sees more alcohol that youâve bought, it must be worth at least two hundred dollars.
You look over in time to see him turn around with his head hung, trudging back to your bedroom to sleep more.
He canât be at his best if heâs not well-rested.
The doorâs locked. Why is the door locked? You couldâve sworn you didnât lock it when you left after Leon went to sleep. What the fuck? What the fuck? You sluggishly pat yourself downâyou didnât take a key with you, of course. Wallet, boobs, phoneâbut no keys.
Now youâve gotta break in. You havenât gotten into your house from the outside in a while, youâre rusty and drunk.
You crouch in front of your living room doorâthe perks of a ground floor apartmentâclumsy fingers fumbling with getting the damn thing loose.
You mutter every curse word under the sun trying to get the screen loose for the next ten minutes. You sigh heavily, texting Leon clumsily.
3:42 am - cN ou let mein pls i dorfor my ket
You stare at the blurry phone screen, squinting and moving it this way and that like a mom with readers on. Delivered.
Oh, so heâs sleeping. Sleep sounds nice. Sleep with Leon is always nice, especially since youâre starting to regulate now. Shit, maybe you should see about going back on something. Leonâs put up with so much from you lately, you need to get a grip and not do this shit again.
You think over what you could do as you eventually get the screen off, pulling the window aside and hopping down into the kitchen.
A couple dishes and a pan in the dishrack go tumbling with you as you land on the floor with a loud smack.
Shit, you hope Leon didnât wake up.
You pick yourself up, a shaking hand on the counter that you lean on before you toddle over to the bedroom.
You bounce off a couple walls on the way there, giggling drunkenly to yourself way louder than you think.
Itâs so dark in your room, Leon sleeps like a bat.
You toddle over, your knee hitting the bed and sending you belly flopping on top.
You didnât hit Leon, right?
The bedâs cold. You sit up, falling backward before youâre upright again, reaching over to turn on the side table lamp on his side.
Heâs not here.
But heâs been here recently, the bed is still rumpled where he was laying. You slowly feel the alcohol draining from your head the longer you look around. The closetâs open and messy, the stuff from his side table is gone, you nearly wiped out looking for his bathroom stuff (also gone).
You turn on all the lights in the apartment before racing out here as quickly as a snailâalmost nothing of his is here, save for a scarf and one of his books on the shelf.
You have to lean against the wall, heart hammering for two reasons. Heâs gone? No way, he canât be gone.
Thatâs not possible. He said heâd stick by you, he meant it, you know he did.
You slide down the wall to put your head between your knees before you pull your phone out and call him.
Voicemail. Voicemail again. Voicemail for the third time.
notes: well hello everyone⊠long time no seeâŠ. no real warnings here i think outside of just mental health stuff. have fun guessing whatâs up with the reader
Thereâs something wrong with you. Youâre all twitchy, speaking way too fast. What the hell happened? Youâve had minor things like this happen before, you usually get like this whenever the seasons change, but things go back to normal within a week or so.
Leon wakes up today at five thirty-sevenâ the sun barely out and the sky blushingâto you with scattered yarn and crochet needles around you. Youâre curled up in a ball, hand moving so fast he can see your shoulderblade jerk. Youâre shaking like a leaf, is it adrenaline?
âCome back to bed.â He mumbles, rubbing his eye with a knuckle as he props himself up on his opposite elbow.
âIâm not sleepy.â You answerâand you donât sound sleepy. Matter of fact, did you even sleep at all last night?
Leon sits up, yawning softly. âHow come youâre up?â
âI wanted to start crocheting.â You glance back, wide fucking awake. âIâve been meaning to get into it for a while.â
âHuh?â He looks at you with squinty eyes, wondering if he heard right.
You roll your eyes at him, looking vaguely irritable. âWhat, is that so out of character for me?â
âJustâŠâ He rubs his eyes back and forth with his fingertips. How the hell are you not tired? âI dunnoâŠâ
âYou dunno what?â You look more irritable, your hand stopping in its tracks. âWhat?â You snap when he doesnât answer.
Leon looks vaguely confusedâand dare you say, slightly hurt?âbefore he looks annoyed. âJesus, donât snap at me, I didnât do anything.â
âWell, I want to do it. So get off my ass.â You return to crocheting fervently, back still to him. Once or twice you nick your fingers, but you donât react. The needles arenât that sharp anyway.
âWasnât on it.â Leon grumbles, turning over and going back to sleep.
Later that day, you about fall asleep into your food. âJesus!â Leon reaches over and catches your head.
âIâm fine.â You mutter, eyes opening and shutting slowly.
âBullshit.â He snaps, pushing your plate away. âWhat the hell is up with you?â
âNothing, God, are you my mother now?â You swat at him slowly, not even managing to make contact with him.
Leon doesnât answer, hefting you up and dragging your sorry ass to bed.
âHeyâŠâ you say sluggishly once heâs deposited you on the bed, limbs moving just as sluggishly. âI was trying to eat.â
âBefore you started falling asleep at five PM.â Leon pulls your pants off and flings them in a corner. âGo the hell to bed.â
âDonât have to be so mean.â You mumble, rolling over. Youâre out of it within mere minutes. It usually takes longer for you to sleep, and that worries Leon just as much.
As annoyed and confused as he is, heâs more worried about you. What the hell is your deal? He watches you as you sleep before an idea occurs to him. He doesnât want to think it, but itâs not outside of the realm of possibility.
âWhat the hell is this?â Leon asks as you make your breakfast the day after that. In his hand, he holds your Prozac prescription. The bottleâs empty, no more refills.
You smile as if heâs a little kid presenting a cool rock to you. âMy prozac.â
âObviously.â He sets it on the counter. âWhy is it empty?â
You snort, pulling the toast from the toaster. âBecause I took all the pills.â
Dread opens a pit in Leonâs stomach. You usually get your refills a week in advance so you donât run out. âAnd you didnât call in a refill?â His voice raises somewhat, and who the fuck is he talking to like that?
âNo.â You shake your head, a wide grin across your face with a manic gleam in your eye.
Leon stares at you. âWhy not?â He asks after a moment of eye contact chicken. You won, for once.
You shrug, assembling your breakfast. âDonât wanna be on it anymore.â
Leon takes a second to center himself. âAnd why not?â
Jesus, broken fucking record much? âBecause it doesnât really help.â You bite into your food, taking the pan to the sink without turning off the burner.
Leon lunges over and turns it off, the knot in his chest releasing.
You scoff, rolling your eyes at him. âI was gonna get that, you know.â
Leon gawks. âAre you fucking insane?â
âNo.â You reply as if heâs a little slow. âI was gonna get the burner when the pan was in the sink.â
âWhy wouldnât you do it the other way around?â Leon leans against the counter, arms folding. Fuck, youâre scaring him a little.
You shrug. âDidnât occur to me.â Itâs kind of hard to think sometimes, like your head is full of cotton.
He just stares at you, head spinning. âWhat the hell do you mean the meds donât help?â
âGod, youâre back on this again?â You roll your eyes, wiping the crumbs off your shirt. âBecause I donât feel anything when Iâm on them.â
Shit. Uh, thatâs not what antidepressants are supposed to do. âWhat do you mean?â Leon asks, voice suddenly quiet. What the hellâs up with him, why does he look so scared?
You stare at him, brows furrowed. âWhat do you think it means? I feel like a blank slate when Iâm on them. Why would I take them if I donât feel anything?â
âBecause youâre being weird.â Worry pinches Leonâs face. âYouâre not sleeping, youâre sleeping at odd hoursââ
âIâve always been a night owl.â Heâs the weird one, not you.
âNot like this!â Leon gestures at you with an open palm. âStaying up until two am is one thing, when the hell do you sleep normally?â
âUhâŠâ You look up at the ceiling, counting on your fingers. âEvery other day?â
Leonâs eyes bulge. âBaby,â he says softly, reaching to take your hand. âThatâs not normal.â
You yank it back. âThis happens sometimes, Jesus.â
âNot like this!â He gestures at you again, hand shaking just slightly. âYouâre taking your meds at that point!â He snatches up your bottle and reads the dose: only forty milligrams. Just over the therapeutic dose. âFuck, do I need to watch for serotonin syndrome?â
You look bewildered. âUh, no. Iâm not that high of a dose.â
He underhand tosses the bottle at you and you bat it away, volleyball instincts taking over. âYou better start back up.â Leon says in a tone youâve only heard maybe twice before, where youâve actually fucked up.
It doesnât scare you like that anymore. âIâll be fine in a month.â You wave a dismissive hand.
You certainly are fucking not. Leon watches as you pour a heavy glass of vodka and lemonade, more vodka than lemonade. Youâre not a heavy drinker, youâre a social drinker, and even then, you donât imbibe much.
âYou need to get help.â He says, voice stony. He loves you, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
âIâm fine.â You mumble into the glass, gulping half of it down in record time.
âHorseshit.â Leon snaps.
You give him a dirty look from over your shoulder. âWhat, Iâm an alcoholic now?â
âIs that what I said?â Is all Leon says before he gets a face full of lemonade and vodka. âWhat the fuck?!â He scrubs a hand over his face and shakes it off, droplets splattering softly on the kitchen floor. The drink drips down your counter and cabinets.
âTalk to me nice, asshat.â Not a lick of guilt or remorse.
His shirt and hairâs soaked. Itâs gonna be sticky later. Shit, heâs sticky now. âJust because Iâm a little sarcastic with you, doesnât mean you throw a drink in my face!â Fuck, lemonade and vodkaâs getting in his eyes and making them sting. He gets a paper towel and wipes his eyes first, then his cheeks.
âOops.â
âOops?â Leon repeats, a little more bass in his voice. âThe fuck is your problem?!â
You roll your eyes, setting your cup down and getting a wad of paper towels to clean the counter. While you do that, Leon gets the liquorâevery last fucking dropâand pours it down the drain. âWait, what the fuck?!â You get up, a foot skidding on the lemonade.
âYouâre fucking mean when youâre drunk.â Leon snaps, holding you back with a hand.
The nerve of him. âIâll just buy more!â
âYeah, you do that.â He snaps over his shoulder at you.
You watch helplessly as the vodka and rum swirls down the drain, not even bothering to try and get past Leon. Then, you start crying. You do that a lot too, you just burst into tears with little provocation. Then you mope for the rest of the day.
Shit, he feels a little bad. Maybe he shouldnât have been rude. Leon sighs, reeling you in with an arm around your middle. âCâmere, I got you.â
Youâre getting mascara all over his sticky shirt, youâre getting sticky too.
He kisses the top of your head. âYouâre gonna be alright. Youâre gonna be okay.â
Right?
âMan, the missions are really taking it out of you, huh?â One of Leonâs coworkers jokes, elbowing him lightly as he sips the terrible coffee from a styrofoam cup.
Leon canât even muster up a smile or a laugh, he just nods. Upon a closer look, his eye bags are so pronounced that they look like black eyes, his eyes bloodshot.
âShit man, take some time off.â His partner says blithely.
Leon shakes his head. âItâs not the missions.â He mumbles after a long two minutes, taking a sip from his coffee. Heâs drinking that shit black, no creamer or sugar dumped in it like usual. âMy girlfriend kept me up last night.â
His coworker wolf-whistles, nudging him again. âDamn, all night? You two have crazy stamina.â
Leon shakes his head, nose flushing. âNot that kind of night.â His voice wobbles, his eyes averting. He sniffles loudly, wiping his nose on the side of his hand.
No, no, no, keep it together. He canât look like a little bitch in front of God and his colleagues.
But youâve been stressing him out so badly, heâs up most nights with you to make sure you donât do something stupid. You almost burned the fucking apartment down when you left a burner on, you lose your shit on him most times than not before you start blubbering out of pure guilt. You never threaten to kill yourself, he guesses even youâand whatever youâve got going onâhave standards.
Shit, he had to hold you down to make you take benadryl (three tablets for you to finally knock the fuck out) at five this morning to make you fucking sleepâhe thought he could sleep, get a little power nap in before he was called in at five-thirty.
Before he knows it, he has to speedwalk away and go cry in the bathroom like a little bitch. He folds over, face in his hands as he sobs, silently begging a God he doesnât believe in for intervention and relief.
He doesnât think he can do this anymore, heâs going to lose his mind.
People say you canât go more than a few days without sleep before you die. Well, you sleep, but itâs every other day. When you speak, itâs a little like word salad. You have the spirit, but when you think bugs are crawling under your skin, you canât quite articulate as much as you want.
He thought you being aggressive and hyperactive and hypersexual for two straight weeks was bad, now heâs met you in a depressive stateâhe thinks depressive might be scarier.
Even if youâre angry at himâthrowing drinks in his face, yelling at him, kicking holes in doors trying to get to himâheâs not afraid heâs going to wake up one day and youâre not there.
You went to sleep this morning with your head on his chest like old timesâjust the thought of old times is making him cry even harder, fuck.
When heâs done sobbing his heart out, he doesnât feel better. He just sees a pussywhipped bitch who canât commit to a 5150 for his girl.
He splashes cold water on his face, waiting for the splotches on his face to disappear. Hopefully he hasnât burst any capillaries.
He kind of wishes he looked better when a superior pulls him into his office. At least his eyes are just watery now, aside from the growing hurt and numbness in his chest.
âLeon, uhâŠâ His superior looks down, fiddling with his lukewarm coffee mug. âI think you should take the day.â
His heart drops. âSir, IâIâŠâ
His superior shakes his head. âThis isnât negotiable, Kennedy. Go home, get some sleep.â
He canât go home. Youâre not really there.
He goes home anyway, he hates to disobey when the fucking government has his balls in a twist. He opens the door and itâs peaceful. He drops his coat on the floor, not even bothering to take off his shoes as he trudges through the apartment to the bedroom door.
Heâs ashamed of it, but heâs relieved when he sees youâre still knocked out. He peels off his clothes to his boxers, forgetting a sock as he gets on the bed, his head on your back with an arm slung over your hips.
You wake before him, wondering why youâre suddenly so warm. Youâre both on your sides, his head pressed to your chest.
Holy shit, he looks heinous. Youâve really been running him ragged. Guilt and affection run through you so quickly you almost start crying. You press your nose against his head, putting an arm over his neck and keeping him close to you.
He wakes up alone, sluggish and disoriented. He didnât sleep good, he had stress dreams about you doing stupid things.
Youâre clinking in the kitchen. When he wanders out with a hand over his eyes, he sees more alcohol that youâve bought, it must be worth at least two hundred dollars.
You look over in time to see him turn around with his head hung, trudging back to your bedroom to sleep more.
He canât be at his best if heâs not well-rested.
The doorâs locked. Why is the door locked? You couldâve sworn you didnât lock it when you left after Leon went to sleep. What the fuck? What the fuck? You sluggishly pat yourself downâyou didnât take a key with you, of course. Wallet, boobs, phoneâbut no keys.
Now youâve gotta break in. You havenât gotten into your house from the outside in a while, youâre rusty and drunk.
You crouch in front of your living room doorâthe perks of a ground floor apartmentâclumsy fingers fumbling with getting the damn thing loose.
You mutter every curse word under the sun trying to get the screen loose for the next ten minutes. You sigh heavily, texting Leon clumsily.
3:42 am - cN ou let mein pls i dorfor my ket
You stare at the blurry phone screen, squinting and moving it this way and that like a mom with readers on. Delivered.
Oh, so heâs sleeping. Sleep sounds nice. Sleep with Leon is always nice, especially since youâre starting to regulate now. Shit, maybe you should see about going back on something. Leonâs put up with so much from you lately, you need to get a grip and not do this shit again.
You think over what you could do as you eventually get the screen off, pulling the window aside and hopping down into the kitchen.
A couple dishes and a pan in the dishrack go tumbling with you as you land on the floor with a loud smack.
Shit, you hope Leon didnât wake up.
You pick yourself up, a shaking hand on the counter that you lean on before you toddle over to the bedroom.
You bounce off a couple walls on the way there, giggling drunkenly to yourself way louder than you think.
Itâs so dark in your room, Leon sleeps like a bat.
You toddle over, your knee hitting the bed and sending you belly flopping on top.
You didnât hit Leon, right?
The bedâs cold. You sit up, falling backward before youâre upright again, reaching over to turn on the side table lamp on his side.
Heâs not here.
But heâs been here recently, the bed is still rumpled where he was laying. You slowly feel the alcohol draining from your head the longer you look around. The closetâs open and messy, the stuff from his side table is gone, you nearly wiped out looking for his bathroom stuff (also gone).
You turn on all the lights in the apartment before racing out here as quickly as a snailâalmost nothing of his is here, save for a scarf and one of his books on the shelf.
You have to lean against the wall, heart hammering for two reasons. Heâs gone? No way, he canât be gone.
Thatâs not possible. He said heâd stick by you, he meant it, you know he did.
You slide down the wall to put your head between your knees before you pull your phone out and call him.
Voicemail. Voicemail again. Voicemail for the third time.
aaa the angst was so good! mad and frustrated at the reader just like Leon lmao. He mustâve really loved her to put up with her for that long. will there be a pt 2 or not? lesson hopefully learned đ
oh thank you! i was worried i was getting rusty (despite me crying a little as i wrote the ending). i donât like writing prequels or sequels, i think what people end up doing in their heads with the reader in this one will be infinitely more interesting than another one where i decide whether reader gets better or not
notes: well hello everyone⊠long time no seeâŠ. no real warnings here i think outside of just mental health stuff. have fun guessing whatâs up with the reader
Thereâs something wrong with you. Youâre all twitchy, speaking way too fast. What the hell happened? Youâve had minor things like this happen before, you usually get like this whenever the seasons change, but things go back to normal within a week or so.
Leon wakes up today at five thirty-sevenâ the sun barely out and the sky blushingâto you with scattered yarn and crochet needles around you. Youâre curled up in a ball, hand moving so fast he can see your shoulderblade jerk. Youâre shaking like a leaf, is it adrenaline?
âCome back to bed.â He mumbles, rubbing his eye with a knuckle as he props himself up on his opposite elbow.
âIâm not sleepy.â You answerâand you donât sound sleepy. Matter of fact, did you even sleep at all last night?
Leon sits up, yawning softly. âHow come youâre up?â
âI wanted to start crocheting.â You glance back, wide fucking awake. âIâve been meaning to get into it for a while.â
âHuh?â He looks at you with squinty eyes, wondering if he heard right.
You roll your eyes at him, looking vaguely irritable. âWhat, is that so out of character for me?â
âJustâŠâ He rubs his eyes back and forth with his fingertips. How the hell are you not tired? âI dunnoâŠâ
âYou dunno what?â You look more irritable, your hand stopping in its tracks. âWhat?â You snap when he doesnât answer.
Leon looks vaguely confusedâand dare you say, slightly hurt?âbefore he looks annoyed. âJesus, donât snap at me, I didnât do anything.â
âWell, I want to do it. So get off my ass.â You return to crocheting fervently, back still to him. Once or twice you nick your fingers, but you donât react. The needles arenât that sharp anyway.
âWasnât on it.â Leon grumbles, turning over and going back to sleep.
Later that day, you about fall asleep into your food. âJesus!â Leon reaches over and catches your head.
âIâm fine.â You mutter, eyes opening and shutting slowly.
âBullshit.â He snaps, pushing your plate away. âWhat the hell is up with you?â
âNothing, God, are you my mother now?â You swat at him slowly, not even managing to make contact with him.
Leon doesnât answer, hefting you up and dragging your sorry ass to bed.
âHeyâŠâ you say sluggishly once heâs deposited you on the bed, limbs moving just as sluggishly. âI was trying to eat.â
âBefore you started falling asleep at five PM.â Leon pulls your pants off and flings them in a corner. âGo the hell to bed.â
âDonât have to be so mean.â You mumble, rolling over. Youâre out of it within mere minutes. It usually takes longer for you to sleep, and that worries Leon just as much.
As annoyed and confused as he is, heâs more worried about you. What the hell is your deal? He watches you as you sleep before an idea occurs to him. He doesnât want to think it, but itâs not outside of the realm of possibility.
âWhat the hell is this?â Leon asks as you make your breakfast the day after that. In his hand, he holds your Prozac prescription. The bottleâs empty, no more refills.
You smile as if heâs a little kid presenting a cool rock to you. âMy prozac.â
âObviously.â He sets it on the counter. âWhy is it empty?â
You snort, pulling the toast from the toaster. âBecause I took all the pills.â
Dread opens a pit in Leonâs stomach. You usually get your refills a week in advance so you donât run out. âAnd you didnât call in a refill?â His voice raises somewhat, and who the fuck is he talking to like that?
âNo.â You shake your head, a wide grin across your face with a manic gleam in your eye.
Leon stares at you. âWhy not?â He asks after a moment of eye contact chicken. You won, for once.
You shrug, assembling your breakfast. âDonât wanna be on it anymore.â
Leon takes a second to center himself. âAnd why not?â
Jesus, broken fucking record much? âBecause it doesnât really help.â You bite into your food, taking the pan to the sink without turning off the burner.
Leon lunges over and turns it off, the knot in his chest releasing.
You scoff, rolling your eyes at him. âI was gonna get that, you know.â
Leon gawks. âAre you fucking insane?â
âNo.â You reply as if heâs a little slow. âI was gonna get the burner when the pan was in the sink.â
âWhy wouldnât you do it the other way around?â Leon leans against the counter, arms folding. Fuck, youâre scaring him a little.
You shrug. âDidnât occur to me.â Itâs kind of hard to think sometimes, like your head is full of cotton.
He just stares at you, head spinning. âWhat the hell do you mean the meds donât help?â
âGod, youâre back on this again?â You roll your eyes, wiping the crumbs off your shirt. âBecause I donât feel anything when Iâm on them.â
Shit. Uh, thatâs not what antidepressants are supposed to do. âWhat do you mean?â Leon asks, voice suddenly quiet. What the hellâs up with him, why does he look so scared?
You stare at him, brows furrowed. âWhat do you think it means? I feel like a blank slate when Iâm on them. Why would I take them if I donât feel anything?â
âBecause youâre being weird.â Worry pinches Leonâs face. âYouâre not sleeping, youâre sleeping at odd hoursââ
âIâve always been a night owl.â Heâs the weird one, not you.
âNot like this!â Leon gestures at you with an open palm. âStaying up until two am is one thing, when the hell do you sleep normally?â
âUhâŠâ You look up at the ceiling, counting on your fingers. âEvery other day?â
Leonâs eyes bulge. âBaby,â he says softly, reaching to take your hand. âThatâs not normal.â
You yank it back. âThis happens sometimes, Jesus.â
âNot like this!â He gestures at you again, hand shaking just slightly. âYouâre taking your meds at that point!â He snatches up your bottle and reads the dose: only forty milligrams. Just over the therapeutic dose. âFuck, do I need to watch for serotonin syndrome?â
You look bewildered. âUh, no. Iâm not that high of a dose.â
He underhand tosses the bottle at you and you bat it away, volleyball instincts taking over. âYou better start back up.â Leon says in a tone youâve only heard maybe twice before, where youâve actually fucked up.
It doesnât scare you like that anymore. âIâll be fine in a month.â You wave a dismissive hand.
You certainly are fucking not. Leon watches as you pour a heavy glass of vodka and lemonade, more vodka than lemonade. Youâre not a heavy drinker, youâre a social drinker, and even then, you donât imbibe much.
âYou need to get help.â He says, voice stony. He loves you, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
âIâm fine.â You mumble into the glass, gulping half of it down in record time.
âHorseshit.â Leon snaps.
You give him a dirty look from over your shoulder. âWhat, Iâm an alcoholic now?â
âIs that what I said?â Is all Leon says before he gets a face full of lemonade and vodka. âWhat the fuck?!â He scrubs a hand over his face and shakes it off, droplets splattering softly on the kitchen floor. The drink drips down your counter and cabinets.
âTalk to me nice, asshat.â Not a lick of guilt or remorse.
His shirt and hairâs soaked. Itâs gonna be sticky later. Shit, heâs sticky now. âJust because Iâm a little sarcastic with you, doesnât mean you throw a drink in my face!â Fuck, lemonade and vodkaâs getting in his eyes and making them sting. He gets a paper towel and wipes his eyes first, then his cheeks.
âOops.â
âOops?â Leon repeats, a little more bass in his voice. âThe fuck is your problem?!â
You roll your eyes, setting your cup down and getting a wad of paper towels to clean the counter. While you do that, Leon gets the liquorâevery last fucking dropâand pours it down the drain. âWait, what the fuck?!â You get up, a foot skidding on the lemonade.
âYouâre fucking mean when youâre drunk.â Leon snaps, holding you back with a hand.
The nerve of him. âIâll just buy more!â
âYeah, you do that.â He snaps over his shoulder at you.
You watch helplessly as the vodka and rum swirls down the drain, not even bothering to try and get past Leon. Then, you start crying. You do that a lot too, you just burst into tears with little provocation. Then you mope for the rest of the day.
Shit, he feels a little bad. Maybe he shouldnât have been rude. Leon sighs, reeling you in with an arm around your middle. âCâmere, I got you.â
Youâre getting mascara all over his sticky shirt, youâre getting sticky too.
He kisses the top of your head. âYouâre gonna be alright. Youâre gonna be okay.â
Right?
âMan, the missions are really taking it out of you, huh?â One of Leonâs coworkers jokes, elbowing him lightly as he sips the terrible coffee from a styrofoam cup.
Leon canât even muster up a smile or a laugh, he just nods. Upon a closer look, his eye bags are so pronounced that they look like black eyes, his eyes bloodshot.
âShit man, take some time off.â His partner says blithely.
Leon shakes his head. âItâs not the missions.â He mumbles after a long two minutes, taking a sip from his coffee. Heâs drinking that shit black, no creamer or sugar dumped in it like usual. âMy girlfriend kept me up last night.â
His coworker wolf-whistles, nudging him again. âDamn, all night? You two have crazy stamina.â
Leon shakes his head, nose flushing. âNot that kind of night.â His voice wobbles, his eyes averting. He sniffles loudly, wiping his nose on the side of his hand.
No, no, no, keep it together. He canât look like a little bitch in front of God and his colleagues.
But youâve been stressing him out so badly, heâs up most nights with you to make sure you donât do something stupid. You almost burned the fucking apartment down when you left a burner on, you lose your shit on him most times than not before you start blubbering out of pure guilt. You never threaten to kill yourself, he guesses even youâand whatever youâve got going onâhave standards.
Shit, he had to hold you down to make you take benadryl (three tablets for you to finally knock the fuck out) at five this morning to make you fucking sleepâhe thought he could sleep, get a little power nap in before he was called in at five-thirty.
Before he knows it, he has to speedwalk away and go cry in the bathroom like a little bitch. He folds over, face in his hands as he sobs, silently begging a God he doesnât believe in for intervention and relief.
He doesnât think he can do this anymore, heâs going to lose his mind.
People say you canât go more than a few days without sleep before you die. Well, you sleep, but itâs every other day. When you speak, itâs a little like word salad. You have the spirit, but when you think bugs are crawling under your skin, you canât quite articulate as much as you want.
He thought you being aggressive and hyperactive and hypersexual for two straight weeks was bad, now heâs met you in a depressive stateâhe thinks depressive might be scarier.
Even if youâre angry at himâthrowing drinks in his face, yelling at him, kicking holes in doors trying to get to himâheâs not afraid heâs going to wake up one day and youâre not there.
You went to sleep this morning with your head on his chest like old timesâjust the thought of old times is making him cry even harder, fuck.
When heâs done sobbing his heart out, he doesnât feel better. He just sees a pussywhipped bitch who canât commit to a 5150 for his girl.
He splashes cold water on his face, waiting for the splotches on his face to disappear. Hopefully he hasnât burst any capillaries.
He kind of wishes he looked better when a superior pulls him into his office. At least his eyes are just watery now, aside from the growing hurt and numbness in his chest.
âLeon, uhâŠâ His superior looks down, fiddling with his lukewarm coffee mug. âI think you should take the day.â
His heart drops. âSir, IâIâŠâ
His superior shakes his head. âThis isnât negotiable, Kennedy. Go home, get some sleep.â
He canât go home. Youâre not really there.
He goes home anyway, he hates to disobey when the fucking government has his balls in a twist. He opens the door and itâs peaceful. He drops his coat on the floor, not even bothering to take off his shoes as he trudges through the apartment to the bedroom door.
Heâs ashamed of it, but heâs relieved when he sees youâre still knocked out. He peels off his clothes to his boxers, forgetting a sock as he gets on the bed, his head on your back with an arm slung over your hips.
You wake before him, wondering why youâre suddenly so warm. Youâre both on your sides, his head pressed to your chest.
Holy shit, he looks heinous. Youâve really been running him ragged. Guilt and affection run through you so quickly you almost start crying. You press your nose against his head, putting an arm over his neck and keeping him close to you.
He wakes up alone, sluggish and disoriented. He didnât sleep good, he had stress dreams about you doing stupid things.
Youâre clinking in the kitchen. When he wanders out with a hand over his eyes, he sees more alcohol that youâve bought, it must be worth at least two hundred dollars.
You look over in time to see him turn around with his head hung, trudging back to your bedroom to sleep more.
He canât be at his best if heâs not well-rested.
The doorâs locked. Why is the door locked? You couldâve sworn you didnât lock it when you left after Leon went to sleep. What the fuck? What the fuck? You sluggishly pat yourself downâyou didnât take a key with you, of course. Wallet, boobs, phoneâbut no keys.
Now youâve gotta break in. You havenât gotten into your house from the outside in a while, youâre rusty and drunk.
You crouch in front of your living room doorâthe perks of a ground floor apartmentâclumsy fingers fumbling with getting the damn thing loose.
You mutter every curse word under the sun trying to get the screen loose for the next ten minutes. You sigh heavily, texting Leon clumsily.
3:42 am - cN ou let mein pls i dorfor my ket
You stare at the blurry phone screen, squinting and moving it this way and that like a mom with readers on. Delivered.
Oh, so heâs sleeping. Sleep sounds nice. Sleep with Leon is always nice, especially since youâre starting to regulate now. Shit, maybe you should see about going back on something. Leonâs put up with so much from you lately, you need to get a grip and not do this shit again.
You think over what you could do as you eventually get the screen off, pulling the window aside and hopping down into the kitchen.
A couple dishes and a pan in the dishrack go tumbling with you as you land on the floor with a loud smack.
Shit, you hope Leon didnât wake up.
You pick yourself up, a shaking hand on the counter that you lean on before you toddle over to the bedroom.
You bounce off a couple walls on the way there, giggling drunkenly to yourself way louder than you think.
Itâs so dark in your room, Leon sleeps like a bat.
You toddle over, your knee hitting the bed and sending you belly flopping on top.
You didnât hit Leon, right?
The bedâs cold. You sit up, falling backward before youâre upright again, reaching over to turn on the side table lamp on his side.
Heâs not here.
But heâs been here recently, the bed is still rumpled where he was laying. You slowly feel the alcohol draining from your head the longer you look around. The closetâs open and messy, the stuff from his side table is gone, you nearly wiped out looking for his bathroom stuff (also gone).
You turn on all the lights in the apartment before racing out here as quickly as a snailâalmost nothing of his is here, save for a scarf and one of his books on the shelf.
You have to lean against the wall, heart hammering for two reasons. Heâs gone? No way, he canât be gone.
Thatâs not possible. He said heâd stick by you, he meant it, you know he did.
You slide down the wall to put your head between your knees before you pull your phone out and call him.
Voicemail. Voicemail again. Voicemail for the third time.
yeah iâm not even gonna lie man iâve had a rough year and things are picking up with school⊠iâm working on getting at least something out here but itâs hard⊠mental health is hard. school and life is hard. my life is buffy season six looking rn
iâm so frustrated omg. i want to write but i always include too much about me into my writing and an ex one i had in mind is so overtly christian and i want everyone to not feel excluded/be able to relate even if tumblr is majority white
tags. pseudocest (step-siblings), manipulation, dub-con that borders on non-con for a good chunk, incest, threesome, unprotected sex, guided sex, virginity loss implied, piv sex
note. hai⊠um sorry 2 io and ryn for this mischaracterisation. please ignore any mistakes / typos i didnât edit this at all. dick is in his mid 2 late 20s, reader in her early 20s n jason is prob around 19 in this. if i get any canon stuff wrong I apologise.. rbs + feedback so appreciated :3 this is so clunky I apologise gosh..
Jason is trying very hard to seem very interested in the muted TV.Â
The subtitles are on, but heâs not following, it switches to commercial so he is forced to look dead-on at where you and Dick are sitting all snug. Shoulder to shoulder, bending into each other like cheap metal, his hand resting so casually on your thigh. Which, quite frankly, seems wildly inappropriate to do to your baby sister, but given this familyâs track record it almost seems sweet. Doesn't even crack the top ten most inappropriate moments.Â
You and Dick come together now like cherries, balls, socks. Like a roundworm in a fish. Filling to cavity, stitch to gash, teeth to flesh.Â
A two-person cult.Â
It is driving Jason slightly insane to say the least.Â
When Jason was smaller, kinder, cuter, sweeter, Dick wasâwellâexactly what it says on the tin. He worked hard for Dickâs affection, it was transactional, he took down a bad guy and got a pat on the head, he saved his ass and got a âNice work, kid.â
It was like feeding quarters into a vending machine only for them to be spat back out. It was, it wasâOkay, fine, it wasn't all that bad, but it wasnât this good.Â
Like, Stepford Brother good.Â
Lending you his hand-me-downsânot that Jason could ever fit into those extremely and unnecessarily deep v-necksâpicking up little keepsakes when he goes out because they reminded him of you, like there is nothing in this world that comes easier to Dick than loving you.Â
And none of these big, bad, bitter feelings are new.
Jason has obviously been lonely before.Â
Heâs been an orphan, a thief, a street rat. All of those things at once, in fact. He spent most of his life alone in that damp apartment, the insect-buzzing of the refrigerator to keep him company. But nobody else is lonely because they clawed their way out of the grave, nobody told him that coming back wouldnât mean coming back to the same place.Â
To this, to Dick playing happy families with some girl he is meant to call his sister, like that label makes the whole thing charming instead of mildly nauseating. To BruceâThe word dad snags in his throatâSo he couldn't exactly be an orphan, even if he tried really hard to be one again, that would require papers Jason doesn't have because he is legally dead and all.Â
Jason slouches in his seat, the commercials are still on, something about a range of stuffed animals that double as doorstops. Or maybe it was a doorstop that doubles as a plush toy. Either way, itâs the kind of thing you only buy if youâve already lost the plot, so when the companyâs number flashes on screen Jason considers giving them a ring.Â
He doesnât stick around long after that. The show nobody is really watching comes back on, Jason is already shambling out of the door as quickly as someone with pins and needles can.Â
No one notices when he leaves, which is⊠great. Fantastic. Exactly how Jason likes it.Â
He steps outside, the Gotham air smells like itâs been sitting in a jar too long. He breathes it in anyway because it isnât your perfume. He puts his hands in his pockets, leans against the wall, wishes he had a cigarette so he knew what to do with his mouth other than pout. The drizzle washes away the image in his head - of Dickâs hand on your thigh, of your socked feet brushing over his bare legs.Â
The wind bites too hard, but he lets it.
Without really thinking, Jason peers into the lounge, the glow of the hearth paints you both golden. Through the glass it doesnât even look real, itâs like heâs watching TV with no subtitles - the worst silent film he has ever seen.Â
Damianâs cat with his powdery-white mittens is curled up by your feet, yellow candy wrappers litter the table, and you are so, so happy. Over little things. Over Dick being beside you, nudging you, touching youâGod, itâs like a fucking vintage Christmas card. The happy animals, the fuzzy socks, the cashmere sweaters, the jokes that he doesnât get.
(âIt doesnât make any sense if you werenât there, Jason.â How was he even meant to be there? He was dead. Did you ever consider coming to his grave to tell those jokes?)Â
He catches his reflection in the glass, warped by the porch lamps and fat rain droplets, tinted a pale teal and sickly green like the start of a nasty bruise, a superimposed ghost.Â
âOh,â Jason says dumbly when he finally sees what is going on inside.
He was too busy caught up in his own grief to see when Dick put his tongue in your mouth.Â
âOh god,â he whispers, stomach twisting into knots. It feels like heâs flipped to the wrong channel.Â
Jesus, DickâHe canât even blame the guy. Making wildly questionable choices with people you should probably leave the hell alone is so typical of Bruce that Jasonâs not even surprised heâs passed it onto Dick.Â
None of what he feels, this churning and aching and burning, is because he cares about being tongue-kissed by his big brother in the family living area while their littlest brother is asleep upstairs. Not at all. Heâs pissed on principle. Heâs pissed, like, like, morally.Â
âFigures,â Jason mutters to himself, hands jammed in his pockets as he walks away from it all.Â
-
âSo..?â Dick trails off expectantly, leaning against the kitchen counter as you stir your tea, heâs going for casual, but heâs pulled taut like a rubber band.Â
âSo what?â You echo, looking up at him just as expectantly.Â
âJasonâŠâ He finally says, like the name is enough to let you know what heâs asking.
âWhat about him?â You fish out your teabag and drop it in the automatic bin.Â
Dick sighs loudly, draping himself over you like a dramatic, deadweight blanket. His chin hooks over your shoulder, the coast is clear so he presses wet kisses to the column of your throat, enough to draw a noise of approval from you.
What about Jason? What about him? What about the way every seat in the house is suddenly too small for Jason? What about his little-boy pout and clean-laundry smell and spiky lashes that have no end to them and those big blue eyes that swallow up his whole entire face? What about all of that?Â
âWhat did you think of him?â He asks carefully.Â
Itâs been a long, gradual process.Â
Introducing you and Jason has been a little like trying to place two territorial alley cats into the same home, because youâfor a lack of a better wordsâare his replacement.Â
You slipped into Jasonâs place when it was still warm.
âIâve met him before, Dick.â You tilt your head and bare your neck for him, one hand coming to scratch at his scalp just how he likes it.
âYeah, but not like one-on-one, alone, just the two of youââ
âYou were literally there.â You laugh, shrugging him off of you so you can face him. You cup Dickâs cheeks, and you really are so cute, itâs why he canât help himself around you. âI still think heâs a dick.â
âHeyââÂ
âA jerk,â you correct yourself, smiling sweetly.
âHeâs complicated, itâs not his fault, baby.â Dick pouts. âHis parents were pretty messed up, and Bruce is messed up, and now heâs messed up.â
âI know, but heâs still an asshole.â You shrug. âAnd thatâs me being nice about him, Dick, I mean the guy has killed people, heâs a murdererââÂ
âBabe,â Dick cuts in softly, a divot between his furrowed brows.Â
âItâs true!â You huff, picking up your mug to take to the lounge.
âHeâs my brother,â Dick says, though it comes out like an admission.
âAnd Iâm your sister!â Itâs thrown over your shoulder as you stomp out into the marbled hall in fuzzy slippers he got you.Â
âI know,â he coos after you, placating, only a step behind, âI know you are, and I donât like when anybody says anything about you so why would I want my baby sister being mean to my baby brother, hm?â He tries to sand down your temper with a kiss to the nape of your neck.
âYour baby brother is an oaf.â You place your mug down with a clink! before you plop down on the Chesterfield sofa that really was meant to be for displayâJust like that great, big grandfather clock. The hand-finished leather has chipped away to reveal this ugly fatty-tissue-yellow and left it looking scruffier than Bruce would like.Â
(Dick canât tell you no though, he doesnât even tell Haley to get off the couch back home.)Â
âYouâre so mean,â Dick mumbles, curled around you like a boa constrictor.
âIâm honest,â you sing-song, letting him trap you beneath him.Â
âHeâs sweet.âÂ
As much as Jason was a goody two-shoes, some part of him had always been incurably wild, a storm-tossed temper that spilt beyond the boundaries Bruce had put in place to cage him. Dick remembers all of it: Jasonâs sharp little chin lifted in defiance, fists balled up at his side, he was so small and so upset at a world that had never given him a chance. But Jason did homework on rooftops between patrols because he really liked school - he wanted to earn every last gold star, he never went below green on the traffic light system. He liked to sleep in Bruceâs bed way into his teenage yearsâit was never about being scared of the dark.Â
Jason wanted so badly to be good.Â
He trailed after Dick endlessly. He liked reading romance and period pieces, but heâd read instruction manuals if that was the only thing laying around. He liked shiny bugs, collecting cool rocks, the stars, and grandmas who gave him buttery candies. Jason liked having his cheeks pinched and his hair ruffled despite all the grumbling that came with it. Heâd swat at Dickâs hands, flustered, red-eared, bottom lip sticking out so far he almost tripped over it.
Heâs always been pouty. Dickâs glad to see that hasnât changed, he finds comfort in the parts of his life that still make sense. You make sense. Thereâs no push and pull, no strain or coming back from the dead that make it hard for Dick to figure out who you are and what you think of him.Â
Itâs simple. Youâre his baby sister and you love him. Dick is your big brother and he lives for you. He takes care of you, protects you, gets you off like all good brothers do.Â
âHave you fucked him?â
Dickâs heart jumps out of his chest, Jasonâs doll-pout fresh in his mind. âWhatâWho? Jason?â He sputters. âNo!âÂ
âDo you want to fuck him?â Your tone is completely even and he canât see your face to gauge how youâre feeling. Itâs a rather terrifying ordeal.Â
ââŠNo?âÂ
âLiar!â You turn your head so fast your neck almost snaps. Your eyes are wide, triumphant. âYou do, you so do!âÂ
âI donât!âÂ
âThen whyâd you pause?â
ââCause⊠You asked me if I want to fuck my baby brother,â he liesâbadly.
âOh because thatâs suddenly sooo weird, huh?â You snort, shifting a little in his grip. âDo you want to fuck your little sister?âÂ
âYeah,â Dick says without batting an eye, wandering hands settling on your hips, if he flunked the first test at least he gets extra credit now. âAll day, everyday.âÂ
You smile at himâa little smug, a little hesitant. âI know you like him.â You reach back and slip a hand between his thighs, fumbling for a moment, prodding like youâre screening him for cancer. âHeâs so big and strong.â Your fingers curl around his clothed dick. âIf he wasn't so mean I'd get it.âÂ
âYouâre mean too,â Dick huffs out, amused, giving one slight thrust into your hand.Â
âDo you think about him?â You ask softly, now steadily palming him through his sweats. Dick shakes his head which prompts you to ask: âHow about when we fuck?â
âNo,â he liesâeasily this time.Â
You give him a satisfied smile and slip your fingers under his waistband. Heâs not got any boxers on.Â
âGood,â you hum, like it never even occurred to you to doubt your big brother. Dick has given you no reason to doubt him so why would you start now?Â
He swallows hard. Itâs the most guilty swallow in the whole world, cartoonishly loud and obvious, and yet you believe him. Dick should feel some sort of relief. That you trust him, depend on him, believe that he would never lie to youâAnd he really, honestly, pinky promise, hasnât lied to you up until nowâAnd itâs all for a good cause, itâs a white lie, nothing serious.Â
âI love you,â he says into your neck, damp and hot, groaning quietly when you thumb the leaky tip of his cock.Â
Beyond the bubble of the sofa, Dick hears the familiar click of Alfredâs Oxford shoes on the floorboards, sweeping in and out of roomsâDusting, straightening, polishing, turning a blind eye to what you and Dick are doing. Duty first. Dignity first.Â
Dick canât blame the guy. What's done is done. And if he puts an end to whatâs done on Bruceâs sofa itâll go on to happen on Bruceâs marble countertops, his double-door shower, the guest rooms or any square foot of real estate that Bruce happens to own.Â
âDick?â You mumble, getting his attention by gripping his shaft a little too hard.Â
âMm?â He ruts upwards, in time with the grandfather clock. âWhat, baby?â
âYouâre thinking about him, I can tell.â
Dick opens his mouth to protest and let you know that actually he wasn't thinking about little Jason - undead, snub-nosed, freckled cheeky, missing teethâWell, now he is, and his dick jumps so suddenly it kickstarts his heart, but he wasn't before. He was thinking about Alfred, but that sounds even worse so he closes his mouth.Â
âDick,â you say again, whining this time, âyou were meant to say no.â
You take your hand out of his pants and he snaps out of it.Â
âOh.â He throws a leg over your body to keep you in place, half-heartedly grinding his hard dick against the curve of your ass. âIâm only thinking about you, baby.âÂ
-
Dick is back in BlĂŒdhaven.
He is free to jerk off to whoever he wants without his heart twisting into a fucking pretzel whenever he thinks about you and how much you love him.
He jerks off to Jason when he wakes up in the morning. In front of the bathroom mirror before he showers. Then in the shower, hand braced against the tiles. Before bed to bludgeon himself into sleep. Because if Dick does it enough, maybe, just maybe, heâll be able to purge the thought of Jason out of his fucking mind.Â
It happens between patrols, on the stairwell, it bleeds into every spare moment, his hand starts feeling a little bit like sand-paper, anywhere he can spare five minutes Dickâs got a hand down his pants. He forgets to message you back, he misses calls despite how much he is always fucking thinking about you.
He considers finding a good therapist, one thatâs equipped to deal with these sorts of things, but he doesnât know what to look for.Â
What is he supposed to say?Â
I jerk off compulsively to my younger brother who came back from the dead all ripped and tall and stupidly hot with this soft, milk-sweet pout, but Iâm also kind of in a monogamous relationship with my sexy little sister who wants nothing to do with him.Â
No amount of clinical jargon could make that sound any better.Â
Dick ends up scrolling through strange forums, he comes across kink blogs, half-baked advice columns about hypersexuality, step-sibling porn videos he watches dolefully. He comes to the conclusion, in classic Dick fashion, that he doesnât really have any problems whatsoever. He just needs to keep moving. Keep his hands busy with his dickâGod, heâs going to be stuck like this forever.Â
When you come to visit after a few weeks later, dressed way too nicely to be walking down the streets alone - peacoat unbuttoned to show off your legs in that houndstooth skirt - Dick has never felt so shitty.Â
Donât get him wrong, heâs happy to see you, he greets you with a kiss and holds you so tight you almost pop, but he also feels like he is about to vomit out his heart.Â
âDid you miss me?â You ask, rubbing your nose against his playfully, so sweetly.Â
A wave of nausea passes over Dick. Heâs surprised he isnât green. âOf course I did, baby,â he coos, kissing your wrists and your jaw and anywhere he can reach.Â
âI missed you, whereâs Haley?â You toss your coat over the back of one of his dining chairs. âItâs so boring without you, Dick, nobody wants to do anything with me, like, everâNot even Damian, and heâs a kid, youâd think heâd want to do normal kid things, but no!âÂ
Your heels click-clack on the linoleum, going through his kitchen cupboards and pulling out a vase he didnât know he had to put the flowers you bought on display. âI try to take him to the arcade, to the moviesâHe does do things with Jon though I guess he still doesnât⊠Whatâs this?âÂ
You hold up a flyer.Â
HYPERSEXUALITYÂ
Thinking about sex ALL the time? Do your hands need a break? Using sex to avoid problems? Masturbation Procrastination? Do you jerk off in the stairwellâ
Dick laughs apprehensively. âOh, what is that? Mustâve come through with the mail.â He plucks it out of your hand and screws it up. âI donât need this so uhâŠâ He tosses it in the trash can in one clean shot, flashing you a smile with too many teeth.
âOh yeah?â You raise a brow at him, squinting as you scan his face.Â
âYeah.â Dick nods.Â
âYouâre such a liar!â You jab a manicured nail at his chest, face crumpled up in a frown.Â
âIâm not lying, baby!â He insists, catching your hand and kissing it. âI swear, itâs not mineââ
âOh please, Dick!â Your voice rises in frustration. âYou look so guilty, itâs not like Iâm gonna shame you forâfor whateverâs wrong with you, Iâm not like that!âÂ
âI know, I know you arenât, baby, you would never do that to meââ Sweat prickles the back of his neck, trying to draw you closer to him to calm you down.Â
âThen why canât you just tell me whatâs going onââ
âI want to fuck him.â
You blink at him.Â
Hurt, angry, but not surprised.Â
âI canât stop thinking about him, IâI donât know whatâs wrong with me.â Dickâs voice cracks as he drops your hands. âI swear, I love you, I love you so much.â
âThat hasnât stopped you before, Dick.â You snort in spite of yourself.Â
âI knowâŠI know, but itâs different because itâs yâknowâItâs Jason.â He makes abstract gestures. âHeâs my brother.â
âUh⊠Dick, Iâm your sister?â
âI know you are, baby, but you didnât stop being my sisterâYou didnât come back to life⊠I mean I know how to talk to you and what I want from you and what you want from meâIt just feels so wrong, yâknow? He was a kid and now heâs back and heâs not a kid, heâs taller than me, and heâs such an asshole, but I justâŠâÂ
âYou want to fuck him?â You ask softly, patting his cheek.
Dick nods, blinking back tears. âI want to fuck him so bad.âÂ
âYou can fuck him.âÂ
âHe doesnât want to fuck me,â he sighs, slumping forward when you wrap your arms around him.Â
âThen heâs stupid.âÂ
Dick feels stupid getting worked up over this. He feels stupid for standing here and getting coddled by his baby sister. He feels stupid forâHe just feels plain stupid.Â
âHeâs just normal.â
âHe is not normal.â You roll your eyes. âNothing about him is normal or natural, Dick.â
âDonât be mean to your brother.âÂ
-
You donât know how Dick does it, but he always finds a way to get what he wants.Â
He is nothing if not persistent.Â
Jason is antisocial, hateful, cruel, and his brain is too small for the body he boasts. He sulks and broods more than your daddy, refuses to engage in conversation, and hangs around in corners like a sullen housecat.Â
And here he is, waiting to be let into Dickâs apartment.Â
You wonder what Dick told him to get him here. Whether it was a guilt trip or a promise or maybe he was completely honest about his intentions? Well, no. That couldnât be it.Â
He grunts awkwardly in greeting. His face is rounder than it should be, and heâs got soft, pink lips, almost babyish in fullness.
âJason.â You step aside, taking note of the way he almost bumps his head in the entryway. âHow come youâre here?âÂ
Shifting from foot to foot, Jason shrugs. He looks embarrassed. Unsure of how to behave around you. âUm⊠Dick told me about what happened to his dog.â
âHaley?â You tilt your head in confusion. âBut sheâsââ
The bedroom door clicks open, Dick steps out carrying the puppy under his arm. âYouâre here, Jason, thank godâPoor baby, she had to get her leg amputated over the weekend.âÂ
âDickââ You go to protest, mouth dropping open in shock as he elbows you in the side and gives you one of those Big Brother looks.Â
âShit.â Jason looks heartbroken, his big eyes go all watery. âThatâs rough⊠You doing okay, girl?â He reaches out a tentative hand.Â
Haley, fit as a fiddle, licks his fingers when he reaches out to pet her, tail thumping against Dickâs ribs.
You gape at Dick who smiles back at you innocently.
When he sets Haley down, she makes a beeline for Jason in her usual, wobbly gait, but heâs never seen her before so he crouches down to steady her. He doesnât know that Haleyâs been like that for years. Thatâs how Dick found her.Â
What the hell! You mouth at him over Jasonâs shoulder. Itâs mean. You donât even like Jason and you still think itâs a low blow, heâs cooing over her for Christâs sake, he looks like heâs about to cry.Â
âIsnât she meant to have that thingy on? The cone?â Jason asks, scratching behind her ears, lips curving upwards only slightly.Â
âYeah, isn't she?â You give Dick a pointed look.
âSheâs tough,â he says smoothly, âshe healed up quick, and the vet said she didnât need it anymore.â He smiles at Jason all charming.
âOh, really?â You give him Another Look. Like a this-is-so-fucked-up-I-canât-believe-you-would-do-this look.
âYes, really.â Dick nods, blinking at you hard in a I-did-what-I-had-to-do wayÂ
âUh,â Jason cuts into your non-verbal conversation without even knowing, âIâm gonna head off if sheâs here with you, donât think you need two people to help out.â He jerks his chin in your direction.Â
Dick bursts into a flurry of excuses, ushering Jason away from the door and trying to get him out of his leather jacket.Â
âJason, you canât go now, you just got hereâItâs so cold outâYou canât drive all the way home in the dark, it gets so windy out thereâI wouldnât forgive myself if something happened to you, you know thatâWhy donât you stay for dinner, we have wineâDo you drink? Are you old enough for that? Please? Please? Please?â
Dinner is a blur of Dickâs chatter, you wonder if his jaw ever gets tired between talking Jasonâs ear off and chewing. Jason contributes almost nothing.Â
Dick forces Jason onto the couch to watch a movie, plopping Haley down on his lap like a living seatbelt. He is a bug under a cup. He is a cow thatâs about to be tipped.Â
âAww, she likes you so much, Jason.âÂ
Jesus. Heâs so fake itâs kind of astounding. How many times has he lied his ass off to you before? How many times have you been duped?Â
About halfway in, Dick makes a move. Haley has left her post on Jasonâs lap and wandered into another room, leaving Jason open. Vulnerable to this fucking cougar. You almost feel bad for him.Â
Dickâs arm is already slung over your shoulder, keeping you tucked close to his chest, the warmth lulling you to sleepâJason is making himself as small as possible - which is honestly not very small at all considering his size - thighs pressed tightly together to keep himself from bumping Dickâs knee.Â
âWhatâre you doing?â Jasonâs head snaps towards Dick so suddenly it startles you.Â
âHm?â Dick blinks at him, faux-naĂŻf.Â
âStop touching me.â
âWhat, Jason,â he whines, âyouâre my brother.âÂ
âExactly so stop touching me.â
âI didnât mean it like that, JasonââÂ
âStop. Touching. Me.â
âNo! I love you, Iâm being affectionate, I really think you would benefit from affection, Jasonââ
âGet off!âÂ
Youâre jostled awake when Dick takes his arm away. âLet me touch you, Jason,â he begs, both of his hands rubbing and down Jasonâs broad chestâIt just doesnât get worse than this. Your big brother slash boyfriend is embarrassingly desperate. With the way you two go at it youâd think he wouldnât be so needy.Â
âWhat is wrong with you?!â Jason splutters, âIâm notâIâm not like you and her, okay?âÂ
âWhat does that even mean?!â Dick lunges at him, trying to wrap him up in an insufferably tight hug, but Jason twists out of his grip.Â
âI know you two are fucking!â He almost falls off the couch as he and Dick begin to wrestle, pushing and shoving and grappling, the sofa creaking under their combined weightâYouâre willing to bet it's mostly Jasonâs.
Your gasp sharply. âThat has nothing to do with you!âÂ
They donât hear you, Dick is too busy pinning Jason down and Jason is thrashing wildly. You jump up to avoid getting hit by any flying limbs.Â
âSo what?â Dick pants.
âI donât want to fuck you, Dick, you fucking freak! Iâm not like you or her or BruceâI donât wanna do that!â Jason shoves him hard, but Dick doesnât let up so easily.Â
âWho said I wanted to do that with you, little wing, I would never, ever cross any of your boundariesââ He yelps when Jason sends them both onto the ground.Â
âBullshitâAnd donâtâDonât call me that!â Jason looks close to tears, heâs so whiny when he speaks you sort of start to understand why Dick has gone to such lengths to try and get his mouth on him. âYouâre crossing so many boundaries!â
âDon't cry!â Dick flips them both over again so he is back on top, straddling Jasonâs hips. âI love you! Why donât you understand that?â
âI do! I just donât get why you need to show it like this!â Frustrated tears wet his dark lashes, heâs got heartbreakingly big eyes, and his lips are so soft and pink and wet and god Dick is really starting to rub off on you. Worryingly so.Â
âDick, I think you should let him goââ
âThis is none of your business!â Jason yells at the same time Dick says very desperately, âBaby, just let me handle this!âÂ
âBecause I love you!â Dick insists, cupping Jasonâs cheeks so hard his pout is forced into an even poutier pout. âI want to show you how much I love you!â
âGet off me, Dickhead! Youâre fucking insaneâMmmph!â All of his protests are swallowed up by Dickâs mouth landing right on those pink lips, the same pair of lips shaped for suckling, clinging, latching, and needingâGod, you sound exactly like Dick.Â
Jason squirms, he kicks his legs, but after a minute he goes lax. For one terrifying second you think he mightâve lost oxygen and passed out. Or his heart has given out in shockâOh god, he is dead. Jason Todd has been suffocated to death on Dickâs shag rug. He has died again. How are you meant to tell Bruce?Â
But then you see itâHis fingers twitch, his shoulders loosen, his face relaxes.Â
When Dick pulls back a clear string of fate keeps their lips connected. âThere you go,â Dick coos, soothing him with gentle hands that run through Jasonâs hair. âI bet you feel so much better now.âÂ
A plethora of emotions pass over Jasonâs face in the span of a few seconds.Â
âThatâs all you needed, hm?â Dick continues to coo, âyou just needed big brotherâsââ He lets out a guttural sound when Jason punches him in the gut. âWhat the fuck?!âÂ
Jason glares at him, and then sits up on his elbows, seeking out another kiss that Dick gives to him in a heartbeat. Itâs wetter, hotter, Dick sucks on his tongue like he does yours and Jason whines.Â
âDickâŠâ You cross your arms over your chest, feeling both left out and stupidly horny.
He doesnât notice or he chooses to ignore you, licking the spit from Jasonâs shiny chin to dribble it back into his mouth.Â
âDick!â You try again, louder this time.
He pulls back, dazed. âWhat, baby?âÂ
âAre you serious?!âÂ
He blinks like heâs clearing his head. âOh.â He shifts, climbing off of Jason who lies there, chest rising and falling.Â
Dick rids himself of his sweats, cock bobbing between his thighs as he sits back on the sofa. You can get mad at Dick, but you canât be mad at Dickâs dick. Itâs like perfect. The only thing prettier than his face is his dick. Your mouth waters and you sink to your knees in front of him.Â
Itâs more of a reflex than a decision.Â
Still sprawled out on the rug, staring blankly at the ceiling like it can offer him some sort of guidance, Jason sits up to watch.Â
âJason, donât just watch.â Dick gestures for him to come over.
Scowling, Jason shakes his head. âIâm notâI donât wanna!âÂ
âMhm?â Dick laughs, unconvinced, his thighs spreading further as you begin to mouth up and down his shaft, one hand squeezing his sac.Â
Jason recoils like he has been slapped, and then very slowly he shuffles closer, close enough for you to feel the heat radiating off of him. You bet heâs flushed pink down to his toes. âI donât know how to⊠Iâve never done that,â he admits awkwardly.Â
âI know, baby, but thatâs why Iâm your big brother.â Dick pats his head. âI can teach you all about it.âÂ
âDonât be grossâŠâ Jason mumbles, you feel his eyes on you, watching you work Dickâs cock deep into your mouth, gagging wetly when it hits the back of your throat.Â
âGo on, baby,â he encourages, placing a gentle hand on your head, âyou can do better than that, I know you can.â Dick groans when you swallow around him, his hand flexes and you know heâs resisting the urge to make you choke on it. Heâs trying not to scare Jason off.Â
How cute.Â
âYou see that?â Dick rasps, his hips jerk upwards and you pull off of him coughing. âEasy, right? You think you can do that for me, little wing?â
You shoot Jason a glare, he nudges you out of the way with a quiet, âMove.â
His fuck-me-stupid pout stretches around Dickâs cock, and he looks up with his stupidly big eyes. Dick curses under his breath and gently reminds him not to use teeth. Okay. So it fits in his mouth. No big deal. Dickâs not that big, and Jasonâs mouth is fucking huge.Â
âYouâve got it,â Dick reassures gently, heâs itching to push Jasonâs head downâHeâs a head-pusher at heart and a gentleman second.Â
Thereâs no fumbling or choking or anything of the sort.Â
In one fluid motionâHe just takes the whole fucking dick down his throat. Screw you, screw you, screw you. You kill him a hundred different ways in your mind. You tear off his limbs and throw them to Haley. You tie him up naked and ship him off to Bruce in a box with a ribbon on it.Â
âFuck,â Dick gasps, âJasonâSee? I knew youâd be good at this.â
Itâs because he has a whore mouth and whore eyes and a whore body and a whore throat and heâs just a total whoreâYou hate him more than you ever have so you reach out to pinch his nose. He makes a muffled noise and pops off of Dickâs cock, letting out a ragged breath.Â
âHey, that wasnât very nice,â Dick chides, but you know him and you hear his voice getting thick with heat, and you know he found that hot, you know he wants to fuck that slutty mouth until Jason cries.Â
âI was justââ You go to speak, but he clicks his tongue.
âCâmon, baby, hands and knees.âÂ
âDickââ
âGo on, baby,â he coaxes, crouching down beside you like youâre a naughty puppy, âhands and knees, show Jason how good you can be.âÂ
You can show Jason how much better you are than him.Â
âThatâs it, there we go, what a good, good girl.â He smooths a hand down your spine as you arch your back and stick your ass out just how your big brother has taught you. Just how he likes it.
Jason looks away, his cheeks burning.Â
He canât face you.
Dickâs hands skim over Jasonâs arms. Heâs got biceps the size of your head and it makes you slightly dizzy. âDonât be shy, Jason, Iâm your big brother,â he says, âitâs natural.âÂ
You watch intently as Dick pulls Jasonâs shirt over his head, sucking in a sharp breath through your teeth at the sight of his bare chest. Are they bigger than yours? You put all of your weight on one arm to cup your titâNo, youâve totally got him beat in that category.Â
Dick feels him up shamelessly. Not an inch of Jasonâs body is left untouched. He gets him out of his jeans, his boxers coming down with them.Â
âHoly fuck,â you whisper to yourself as his dick, too heavy to hold itself up, bounces out against his thigh.Â
âWoah.â Dick whistles. âLook at you, little wing, I should be calling you big wing.â
âShut up, idiot,â Jason grits out, his whole face is red and youâre starting to think heâs a bit of a crybaby as his bottom lip trembles. To be fair, if you died malnourished and fifteen and came back with that monster, youâd develop some form of dick dysmorphia.Â
Dick ignores him, smiling gleefully. âLook at this, baby, look at how big your baby brother is.â He cups Jasonâs cock with both hands, showing it off like a prized vegetable.Â
You canât even hide how your mouth waters. Itâs gorgeous. Flushed pink like him with a tip leakier than his eyes. Itâs the sort of dick that would turn a convent into a brothel, the sort of dick that makes angels sing.Â
They shift to sit behind you, you feel Dickâs warm hand on your ass, squeezing it before he gives you a firm smack. It feels less affectionate and more like youâre a racing horse. He spreads you open, both your holes clenching tight as he runs a finger down your slit.Â
Jason can see all of you. Your puffy pussy lips, the way your clit sticks out, what your asshole looks like. Itâs humiliating. But you think that dick could send you straight to heaven so you donât complain. Not even a peep.Â
âSee how much your sister loves you, baby?â Dick thumbs your clit. âItâs all for you.â
Jasonâs voice is wobbly when he speaks. âDick⊠I donât know howâI dunno how to doâŠdo it.âÂ
You groan out in frustration. Men like him donât deserve dicks like that. âItâs really not that hard.â Dick spanks you once more.Â
âPut your hands here.â Two big, clammy hands grasp your hips. Heâs so gentle it upsets you. âGood boy, Iâll line you up, okay?â
âOkay.â Jason swallows hard.Â
The tip of his fat cock nudges your hole, it jumps in Dickâs hand and bumps your clit.Â
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.Â
âReady, baby?â Dick asks, guiding the tip into you.
âJust put it in, please, fuck.â You claw at the carpet in anticipation.Â
âGo on, little wing, you can do it,â he coos, and it hurts, it hurts so good as Jason forces your slick hole open as he slides into you.Â
Your toes curl and your back arches and you think itâs going to come out of your throat as you let out a strangled noise. âOh my god, oh my godââ
With Dickâs gentle guidance, Jason starts to fuck you. Slowly, gently, he isnât doing what you want him to do. He isnât using his dick right. He canât do anything right but suck cock, apparently.Â
âHarder,â you beg, looking at him over your shoulder, âharder, Jason, please.âÂ
He blinks at you, his keyhole-lips parted. It makes him look so fucking dumb. He makes you so fucking mad. Tall, handsome, big dick and he canât even follow a simple instruction.Â
âJason,â Dick cuts in, placing gentle hands on his hips, âyou should give your big sister what she wants.âÂ
You watch through lidded eyes as Dick holds Jason from behind, chest pressed flush to his back. He sucks the side of his neck, licks at his Adamâs apple all while steering his hips until Jason is snapping into you.Â
Crying out, you bury your face in the carpet. It smells a lot like wet dog, but that doesnât matter right nowâNot when his cock is in your guts and your pussy is so wet itâs dripping down your thighs andâ
âOops,â Dick laughs as Jasonâs dick slips out with a soft pop, the blunt head pushing against your tight rim instead. âBe careful, little wing, you could kill her with this thing.âÂ
Fed up, you reach back blindly and grab his slippery cock, pushing your ass back onto it until heâs snug inside of you.Â
âThere we go, got there in the end,â Dick chimes playfully, âshe knows what she wants, little wing, all you have to do is keep giving it to her.â
Jason thrusts forward. Hard. Your whole body jolts and your knees get carpet burn. He does it again. Again. Again. Tip bumping your cervix with each stroke. Your pussy is so wet it sounds disgusting. Youâd be embarrassed if you had the time to think straight.Â
His cock pushes out all the air in your lungsâItâs the kind of fucking that should put Jason in charge. Rough. Unrelenting. Mean.Â
But heâs whining, and Dick is calling him a good boy while he drives your body into the carpet. He might fuck you through the floorboards and into the apartment below.Â
âYouâre such a good boy, Jason.â Thereâs wet noises that make you tighten around Jasonâs twitching cock. The smacking of lips. Muffled whining and groaning and you want to see them makeout so fucking bad, but you donât have the energy to get up. Your face is glued to the carpet, drooling all over the carpet, you think youâre going to pass out on this carpet.Â
The sound of Jasonâs broken little noises and Dickâs constant praise funnels in and out of your ears like youâre underwater. Your belly knots so tight it hurts. Fuck. It feels like something burst. Or you have a really, really bad crampâAnd then it crests and you squeeze his cock so tight Jason lets out a soft gasp. You feel like youâre burning. White-hot from the tip of your toes to the top of your head.Â
Jason follows helplessly, whimpering as he stills inside of you, cock twitching before it pumps a load into you. Dick kisses the whines straight out of his mouth. His cock slips out of your gaped cunt, his cum trickling down your thighs.
âJason! My carpet!â Dick blurts.
âYour carpet stinks,â you mumble, finally regaining feelings in your legs as you roll onto your back, ignoring the wet squelch beneath your ass as you smear Jasonâs cum much further into the carpet. âDid you cum?â
âOf course I did, show her your ass, littleââ
âShut up, Dick!âÂ
âOhhh, did you put it inside himââ
âNo!â Jason snaps.
âNot yet.â Dick presses a kiss into his hair. âWeâll save that for next time.âÂ