“You’ll Never Know”

My Thoughts and Letters

[letters-you-will-never-read]

I remember you used to be so deathly afraid of losing people. Eventually, you learned to let them go yourself when realizing they weren’t what you needed.

[shambolicshadows]

I allow these thoughts to consume me, and though I acquiesce, I’m fully confident. Even despite my own shortcomings, even when my good judgment falters, even when my good fortune runs dry. I will not become morally bankrupt. If I have to crawl, then so be it.

I hold an abundance of hope, I will drown in my faith because, what else makes a martyr? But I remind myself that I am not a martyr, nor do I need to be, nor do I wish to be. I am an individual with beliefs and I willing to go down swinging if need be, but I needn’t sacrifice everything I’ve achieved through this sole-crushing endurance. I will not drown. I will not fail. Against all portends, I will become the embodiment of sheer-fucking-will. There is not a single if, and, or but about it, and you can take that to the metaphorical bank in whatever form of rhetoric that may be.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

I’m coming to realize that the things that used to bother me so much don’t even matter to me anymore, and I think that’s a good thing.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

I just wanna go on a little rant because I’m an attention whore, still manic, and really panicked.

So, I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to ask for help, but I can do so pretty easily. It’s not uncommon for me to ask if I can talk to someone. I don’t really have any pride to swallow anyway, y’know?

Anyway, in theory, I could ask for help right now, but I’m unsure if it would outweigh the detriment. Like, if I ask for help, then I couldn’t possibly say why (in this scenario) because it’s really private. Besides, how could anyone help without knowing how they’re helping/what to do?

I mean, they could always lend an ear, but I wouldn’t even know what to say, and if what I’m worried about is unnecessary, then I’ve just put them and myself in a very bad position. Honesty is really important to me, but I don’t have to tell others everything, right? Not when it’s personal and something that wouldn’t effect them? It’s just really stressing me out that there’s nothing to do in order to find a solution to what I can’t share.

I feel like if I were to approach a loved one with this they’d be upset with me for not being able to tell them what’s wrong because then they’d think I don’t trust them or that I’m just looking for attention or something. It’d be even worse if I find out that later I have nothing to worry about, so I think I’m kind of stuck for now, especially since I physically can tell them but won’t.

I know this is all kind of petty, but any advice? Should I just wait it out? Am I being too immature?

[positivitystartsnow]

TW mentions of suicide

Look, I know that I try to keep things family friendly and positive on here, but I’m just gonna say what I think needs to be said. Nobody has to agree with me.

I keep seeing these BS posts on my dash about how you would hurt so many people if you were to hurt yourself, never waking up to see the next light of day. Honestly, f*ck you. Don’t trick people into believing that their sole purpose of living is for the comfort of others. It’s okay to remind them that they have people that would miss them, remind that they love them so that they know they’re not alone. However, it’s really sh*tty to make them think that they’re going to be the downfall of everyone around them.

You know what that does? The worse that person feels, the harder it gets for them to keep moving forward, you’re gonna make them resent the people that they care about slowly just because they don’t want to hurt anyone. “I’m in pain and I can’t hurt myself because it would hurt others”. It’s logical to feel that, but it’s so crappy to think that you’re only living for someone else.

Also, stop assuming their relationships with the people around them. Not everyone has fantastic bonds with others, including friends and family. I believe that there will always be at least one person in the world that would miss you, but not everyone is always going to feel that way. You’ll only make them feel worse if you remind them of that insecurity.

If you don’t want to see the person you love feel that way, then don’t make them feel like sh*t for having honest feelings about the emotions they have.

And for those of you having those feelings, I wholeheartedly hope that your pain eases and that you start living for yourself, not for others.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #19

This is my hiding from my friend’s blog so that I can say what I please without judgement, but I really want to be honest on my actual main blog. I don’t know why it feels so weird since it shouldn’t make a difference, but I’m not really willing to risk them seeing it and thinking I’m trying to get their attention.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Just a heads up: I’m not actually as negative as I come off to be. I run a positive mental health blog aside from this and I’m pretty positive, I just use this page to get rid of the toxicity. You only see the bad stuff here because this is where I dump it, this isn’t all there is to my emotions

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Okay, so maybe I’m genuinely only negative

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #18

Can confirm that there’s almost no feeling that’s worse than being a writer that tries to write good things and it’s a part of your suicide note that really gets all of the love and praise.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Just a heads up: I’m not actually as negative as I come off to be. I run a positive mental health blog aside from this and I’m pretty positive, I just use this page to get rid of the toxicity. You only see the bad stuff here because this is where I dump it, this isn’t all there is to my emotions

[letters-you-will-never-read]

I think that everything is going to be okay. Bad things happen, but so do good things, and maybe were meant to wait to determine what category they fall in. Just keep hanging in there, okay?

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #17

It angers me that I’m not who I want to be, yet I don’t even know who I want to be. Then people go on to love me and stuff but I don’t really want them to love the person that I don’t want to be. So, do I just stay the way I am because I don’t want to risk losing them, or do I take the risk at the consequence of fucking up anyway?

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #16

I’m terrified of being alone. That isn’t to say that I solely keep my friends around for company, I love them so much, but I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have them around. I’m genuinely scared of what I’d do if I was alone and wasn’t in a good state of mind and it’s a habit I’ve been trying to break for years.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #15

I don’t like accepting help emotionally because I fear that one day I’ll become codependent on it if someone offers. If I figure it out on my own, then it remains my problem and belongs to no one else.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #14

I’m stressed as f*ck. Honestly, if I wasn’t the one helping to host the event, I probably would’ve tried backing out by now. I don’t know why all of this is getting to me when it’s so simple.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #13

I’m going to be entirely honest here. If prom at my Tia’s gets canceled because everyone doesn’t go, I will not be doing so well for a bit. I’ll understand and I’ll obviously respect it, but that doesn’t mean I won’t still be sad about it.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

Confession #12

One of my biggest fears is that one day I’ll become my mother.

[letters-you-will-never-read]

In school right now.

Catch me over here about to cry on camera ✌️