[lettersforthelongesttime]

hi everyone, i really don’t know how many people are going to read this but i wanted to put this here anyway. you can call me cael, and as you might have guessed, this is where i will write poems, or letters for someone who i usually refer to as mea stellae. they are usually letters i don’t have the courage to actually send this person, so if you know me outside of tumblr, please don’t make this a big thing :]

taglist: letters will be tagged #dear stellae along with #letters, poetry will be tagged #poetry, music recs will be tagged #music cos i can, everything that is mine will be tagged #cael speaks), and anything else important will go here as i add tags for it.

currently, the people mentioned in my letters include: stellae (#dear stellae), bean (#vina and her chaos), norah (#the tall one), kaitlin (#the musical one), toby (#toby (doge))

see you someday,

cael

[lettersforthelongesttime]

dear stellae,

if you’re wondering where i’ve gone, remember: i keep constants. there is a pattern. there is organisation in my posts. something is the same between this blog and my new one.

it might take you a moment to find it, but i promise if you look closely, you will.

what do all my letters have in common?

what is a constant?

:]

[lettersforthelongesttime]

11/02/22

dear stellae,

so, you're here now, and i suppose you've read everything then? i must say, i wasn't prepared for that, but it's kind of nice that you knew it was me and came to look at what i've been saying. i hope you don't mind that it's all for you. :] anyway, there probably won't be many more posts here, cos now i've got to make yet another sideblog so that i can be a simp in secret again. it is november and i might be a bit preoccupied with nanowrimo but there will be simp content as well, i promise.

to sort of wrap this whole account up, i love you i love you i love you. that was kind of the whole point of this, i think: just to say it when i felt i couldn't or was too scared to.

(i love loving you.)

thank you for coming to see what i'd written out for you. i really, really appreciate you doing that, even if i wasn't entirely ready to share it yet.

as always, i love you (for the longest time).

your cael

p.s. remember earlier when you said "hey, look, it's french"? yeah, i knew it was french-- mice in all the wrong places, remember? sunny helped me figure that one out. je serais resté dans ce moment pour toujours aussi. <3

[lettersforthelongesttime]

10/31/22

dear stellae,

i’m really quite sleepy, but i felt like a letter was something that i should write, because why not? at any rate, i was almost forced into watching a horror movie, which is in no way something i’d do on my own. however, i then proceeded to get relentlessly teased about my inability to tolerate horror, and dragged into one, and now i’m not sure how well i’m going to sleep, to be honest with you. and i was thinking about nightmares because of that, and i realised that you are so good about being there when i have one, and then i remembered you telling us you had one last night? and i wanted to say that you don’t just have to be there for me— i know it maybe sounds a bit childish, but nightmares are honestly the worst, and since they’re on my mind, i wanted to say that i’m always there if you experience my accursed plague of chronic nightmares. i can’t promise i’ll always respond right away if you text me, cos sometimes i’m asleep, but i cross my heart and hope to die that i’ll always read and respond to your messages when i can. i love you i love you so so SO much, you know? and if i sometimes have to sacrifice a bit of sleep, well, you’re more than worth it. and that’s all for tonight, i think. happy halloween, amour :]

much love,

your cael

[lettersforthelongesttime]

dear stellae,

i love you. 

i love you and your voice and the little voice cracks and slip-ups when you sing and your laugh and all your pretty words and your being and how absolutely beautiful you are the way your hand fits in mine and the warmth i feel when you pull me in closer and your mind and your stories and poems and how brilliant you are and your trust and your patience and how much love you give to everyone, not just me. i love every inch of you, both physical, mental and otherwise, scars included. i love you whether you are loud or quiet, whether you are confident or self-conscious, no matter what happens, i love you more than i can ever say. i love you with no strings attached. 

i love that i love you. 

goodnight, mea stellae. i hope you sleep well. you are my cosmos, darling, and i truly hope you know that. i’ll say it once more: i love you so damn much. 

forever and always,

your ever-loving cael <3

[lettersforthelongesttime]

and finally, because it was playing on repeat in my head just before you left:

[lettersforthelongesttime]

10/27/22

dear stellae,

thank you thank you thank you for today. i mean, i know it was more than just you: toby and the music kid™ and the tallest one were a part of it as well, and they were lovely and fun and sweet, but gods above, you were the best bit (at least in my humble opinion). everything from when i left and you came to find me up til we parted ways, all of that, i am not sure if you know how much serotonin that brought me. i could not tell you if i tried. <3

thank you for the songs, for the hugs and hand-holds and lying with your head in my lap as we sat on a tabletop, and for the kiss at the end. i love you i love you iloveyou.

i will probably end up with a list of songs from today that may end up here. i make too many playlists, but i think this one is necessary. :]

anyway, thank you for making today such a good day. you and your uncanny ability to make my heart beat faster and my mind produce more serotonin <33

i love you so much, more than i can say. thank you once more.

with every ounce of my love,

your (very happy) cael

xx

[lettersforthelongesttime]

10/26/22

dear stellae,

it's a bit of a serious one today. sorry. not at my best, i suppose. i just... i feel like i am never going to fit right. not just with you, with everyone. i love you so much for trying, and you try your very best with me, but i am the square peg trying to fit into a round hole labelled soft and i cannot cannot do it no matter how badly i want to. and i really, truly do want to! i want to be soft and comfortable for you and i am so fucking bad at it that it hurts. so i am really sorry that i am all bones and sharp edges and that it is painful sometimes when you pull me in for a hug and my joints bend at odd angles and my shoulder blades sharpen like knives and i am all spiky and cannot fit the way i am supposed to.

i really wish that i could be better. i wish you could pull me in and i would fit perfectly, and i could be all rounded corners and soft edges like you are. i have never had a chance to be that, and so all i know are bones, and i wish i knew better! i truly do.

i will try and take solace in the fact that sometimes you fit perfectly in my arms, and that most of the time when i hold your hand, we interlock like puzzle pieces. at least i can fit when we are not playing with scarier territory.

(but i cannot fit when i would like to.)

at any rate, i have probably bored you half to death, so this will end here, i think. i am once again sorry for all my bones not fitting properly.

forever a triangle to your perfect circle,

cael

p.s. thank you for your little clarification today, about qprs and that sort of thing. i think i was in need of a bit of clarification on that, but i was not about to ask, for reasons unknown-- it was good to hear what you are looking for versus the veritable fill-in-the-blanks my mind had come up with before. i'll keep your words in mind. <3

[lettersforthelongesttime]

10/20/22

dear stellae,

i walked into the stairwell on the eighteenth and you were standing there and you ran up and hugged me as soon as you saw me, and do you remember the night before when i told you "i am officially back at my house"?

there was a reason i did not yet say i was home.

because standing in a stairwell on the eighteenth with you and vina there, being absolutely marvellous just like the beings you are? not having seen you for longer than i should have, and then getting to stand there and let the familiar weight of your voice and your being and all of you standing there (you and bean both, though in different ways) simply take over?

that was what i would like to call home.

love and warmth,

cael

[lettersforthelongesttime]

10/19/22

dear stellae,

thank you for that conversation today. i really, really needed that, though i am sorry it did get a little deeper than you liked at the end. i cannot even use english to explain my mind afterwards, because the idea that there is one person who does not disregard what i say? gods. that is not something i have had in a long time. i have been used to being forgettable enough that what i say goes in one ear and out the other, as the saying goes, and so when i tell stories again and again it seems as though i have never told them before, and i suppose i should have known you were a bit different on that front? but it came as a bit of a surprise, actually. and my gods, you say things like "one is enough" in my response to "well, that makes one person" and you smile in that infuriatingly endearing way and you expect me not to immediately short-circuit? let me tell you, love, that you have completely broken my brain. because it has been ages since i had someone who would listen to (let alone remember) my rambles, and auughhhgjhhhdfjgkhfkjsseskjdjhskdhjffffff

a

;

sorry, i had a moment there. brain broken in a good way and all that jazz, you know? at any rate, thank you for not disregarding everything i say. if it means something to you, i never disregard you either. you are actually one of the few people whose words i can remember without much trouble, did you know that? and i think that that is pretty cool.

i think i should stop here for now, but thank you again. it feels kind of nice to have one person, especially if that person is you.

(in all honesty, i am truly glad that it is you.)

i love you so, so, so much, mea stellae. you deserve the cosmos, and i wish i knew how to give you that-- or at least how to love you properly. i suppose this will have to do for now, though.

with all the love i have to give and more,

your cael

[lettersforthelongesttime]

10/13/22

dear stellae,

i thought i'd write to you since i won't be seeing you for a bit. i didn't really get to say so today, what with your french and my troubles, but i do love you very, very much. i hope i say that often enough that you remember it at inopportune moments. that's my goal, i think.

at any rate, tomorrow and in three days' time i'll be suspended in the air in a bird of metal and fibreglass, which i'm not entirely pleased about, but what can i do? not much. so in case i don't come back (and i know, i do this every time, but i can't help it), this is your quote-unquote last-chance letter. it's sort of just me telling you how wondrous and pretty and smart and funny and glorious you are, so i hope you don't mind that.

i'll leave you some song recommendations instead of going on for hours, since i'm almost at my time limit.

your song - elton john

oh! you pretty things - david bowie

pancakes for dinner - lizzy mcalpine (this one especially applies)

and so it goes - billy joel

life on mars - david bowie

i hope those all sort of get across what i'm trying to say. i'll let you go now, since it's getting late. have a lovely weekend, amour. i love you more than i can say.

always and forever,

your cael

p.s. in reference to what you said yesterday-- you were right, even if it was an accident. you are very pretty, even moreso than my flowers were. <3

[lettersforthelongesttime]

10/12/22

mea stellae,

i'll start with a question, since i seem to be full of those lately.

why do the smallest possibilities scare me the most?

it's not like they'd be terribly impactful in the long run. but tiny lulls in conversation, sudden realisations that i am more bones than skin and not at all a comfortably-shaped person, slips of the tongue and things said on impulse-- these scare me down to my core. the smallest mistakes have me wishing i could step into a tardis and go back and fix them.

so i'm sorry about the little things. i didn't ask for the french translation today because i was imagining how it might go, no matter how many times you tell me it's fine i cannot help worrying about myself causing discomfort, i cannot help the slips of the tongue, and, well, if you did get my last letter, then you know all about the impulsivity.

i do hope these things don't bother you as much as they do me. i'll do better, i promise.

à tous les étoiles et plus,

your cael <3